Remember to remember: sometimes your adversary is your biggest asset. Where would David be without Goliath? Jesus without Judas?

Well that came out horribly wrong!

it can’t be wrong, if it feels so wrong

With anal sex, I suggest you start gently. Find a slender midget. Or a member of Congress.

My wife is younger. At one point, I was twice her age. Of course, I was six at the time.

In an opposite universe, the iconoclast creates the icon. – Why We Couldn’t Possibly Be Living in an Opposite Universe, Reason 11.9

Great,” I mumbled, walking back behind the counter.

Or maybe nobody can fill that special place in her heart because I was nobody. And the only thing that fills a hole is a hole. And dirt.

How did you-“Fool your guards? They’re not very good, the forgot to check the ceiling for spiders.”Valek grinned. His angular face softened.

Agatha had a face like an avocado, and a voice like guacamole. I know because I eat lime scented (and flavored) tortilla chips all the time (except at 4:44).

My kitchen sink has no truck attached. My love needs a waterproof suitcase in these Days of Desert and Dessert. Who are you going to come running to when the Ice Cream Man melts?

Walk On BaikuCup in hand, he singsI pass, playing deaf. Who’s theReal street performer?

I have been quiet today because fear in my heart has been fighting with frustration in my brain, leaving little energy for my mouth.

How would you feel about sharing your bed?” she asked. Tristan blinked. “Excuse me?” “He’d love to!” Gary said. Tristan shot him a look, “Good,” said Ivy, failing to notice Gary’s wink. “Ella can be...

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

I had a dream about you. You tried to stab me with the pointy end of a football, and I tried to stab you with an extra point. I wasn’t successful, so I took my...

I am marvelously absurd in my cloudless thought formation.

The pillow whistled across the room and smacked him in the face. Nicolas smiled, satisfied. If he was going to die, this was the man he wanted to die beside.

Your friend’s poetry is terrible,” he said.Clary blinked, caught momentarily off guard. “What?””I said his poetry was terrible. It sounds like he ate a dictionary and started vomiting up words at random.

I stabbed her with the time. It was 8:00 sharp. Right through the heart, my love is punctual and pointy.

Libations are for the gods. Cocktails are for mere mortals.

With a palindrome of a name, like Bob, I’d be both right thinking and dyslexic. Would you love me more as a Bob, or as a Bob?

To save space and money, Thor and my mom work in the same office, which is basically like a converted closet, only smaller. In keeping with the frugal and Puritanical mindset, they even share the...

Even if I did create them myself, I still think I’m doing pretty well under the circumstances.

So it’s true. You can walk in sunlight. I thought perhaps it might have worn off.””If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I’ll let you know.

uniqueness is everywhere . that’s why being similar is ‘not’ that same .

Don’t leave it all unsaid,somewhere in the wasteland of your head.

I love like a lawnmower in the desert. I love like a solar-powered lunar vehicle. I love like a wind-powered kite factory. Some might even say I love like an ice cube in an oven,...

I use two toothbrushes. One is for my anus, though I can never remember which one. Both toothbrushes belong to my mother-in-law, so I’m incentivized to be forgetful.

‘You can’t count on the fact that they know you to protect you. They would kill you without hesitation. They would tear the flesh from your body while you were still screaming and crack your...

As it turned out, everyone wanted a doughnut. Jace wanted two.

I’m people wealthy. My grandchildren have grandchildren, some of whom are even older than me.

With no reason to hide these words I feel, and no reason to talk about the books I read, but still, I do.

It has been my experience that, even when a man has a sense of humor, it only really carries him to the point where he will join in a laugh at the expense of the...

I’ve wrestled an alligator before. It wasn’t alive, but I still pinned it down. I was trying to impress a woman, and I bet I did, because she went home with another man—but she was...

If you feel badly enough about dialing a suicide prevention hotline by mistake, it wasn’t a mistake.

I swear that woman had a previous career as a death-hunter selling tragic ballads down around the Seven Dials,” said Will. “And I do wish she wouldn’t sing about poisoning just after we’ve eaten.

Hertzfeld recalled that Gates just sat there coolly, looking at Steve in the eye, before hurling back, in his squeaky voice, what became a classic zinger. “Well, Steve, I think there’s more than one way...

Being an only child makes me the oldest child and the youngest child. And the middle child.

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they’ve stolen.

Yesterday I inhaled a cloud, and immediately my eyes started raining.

For the record, I do have genitals; and they are functional and aesthetically pleasing.

If looks could kill…well, Dick was already dead, so nothing would happen. But Gabriel was not laughing.”See Dick,” Dick said, pointing at his chest. He then swept his hand dangerously close to mind. “Jane. Dick...

So it’s true what they say about warlocks, then?”Alec gave him a very unpleasant look. “What’s true?””Alexander,” said Magnus coldly, and Clary met Simon’s eyes across the table. Hers were wide, green, and full of...

For people who like that sort of thing, that’s the sort of thing they like.

The Tanakee are thought to possess strange, almost supernatural powers.Their eyes are described as large and hypnotic.” From Tribe of the Teddy Bear

Bella, I am sorry about that, she caught me in a moment of weakness and she wouldn’t take no for an answer. What was I supposed to do? I am a guy after all.

Initially, I’m one E short of being a JOKE. Midgets are also short.

I’m covered in fish hair! I have a dwarf shaped like a suitcase that I carry everywhere. Women tell me I love too deeply. Wrong! I love too widely.

Why does everyone have to pretend to be stupid and not know long words?