Sometimes you feel as though you’ve slandered yourself, but the joke’s on them.

I read books so dry even a cactus couldn’t grow on them. But who cares? I’m not a farmer, I’m a thinker.

Ares sighed “What are the three words said most often in our house?” “Not tonight, Ares?” Than offered. “Funny,” Ares growled. “Cara never says that.

You called the guy you’re supposed to rescue a nerd, and you just referenced Star Trek. You don’t find that a bit nerdy?

Sorry, pigtails, but subtlety isn’t an option anymore.

Walk Like A Pine Tree Day occurs on Stand Still Day. Orafoura and I observe both—and we observe whatever else we may be standing next to.

Alternatively, anyone who favors Intelligent Design in lieu of evolution might pause to wonder why God devoted so much of His intelligence to designing malarial parasites.

I’m not saying he was, like, crying tears of man pain over the phone, but he sounded upset.

He would make a good lamp post if he’d weather better and didn’t have to eat.

No, I don’t want you to leave. I’m just grabbing your coat and nudging your toward the door for fun #AHOLE

If I have succeeded, it is because I have failed. And if I have failed, it’s because of my father. It’s all my dad’s goddamned fault.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

It is better to make an irrational noise in a bush than in a desert.

How many birthdays can you fit in your lifetime? If you answered “All of them,” you should have your genitals ripped out from underneath your father’s pillowcase.

The Boss,” because that title belongs to another Bruce.

It’s a pelvis thrust, not a pelvic wiggle.

New Rule: Democrats must get in touch with their inner asshole. I refer to the case of Van Jones, the man the Obama administration hired to find jobs for Americans in the new green industries....

I’m the sort of guy who will accept blame, if it means being singled out as honest and honorable, and there’s a chance I’ll be rewarded.

All your Western theologies, the whole mythology of them, are based on the concept of God as a senile delinquent

You know where I keep the gold coin.” As if on fire, their offspring made a desperate run for their father’s study, climbing over the table and fighting each other through the door. It wasn’t...

Pulling your head out of your ass is better than pulling your head out of a lawyer’s ass. (Limit one coupon per customer).

I told him he needed a faucet and a basin, and I let this information sink in.

A blanket is a tell-all story about its endeavors with certain highly publicized people and their somewhat promiscuous acts.

Claiming “the budget can’t allow it” reminds me of when you walk into a restaurant at a civilized hour like ten o’clock and they say “the kitchen is closed.” For years I would hear this,...

AC/DC is very easy to miao along to!

It is meant to be survival of the fittest, not survival of the most floral.

Leadership. I separate myself from the pack at such a great distance that it may be said that I’m a leader—a leader of one with followers of none.

During the act of making something, I experience a kind of blissful absence of the self and a loss of time. When I am done, I return to both feeling as restored as if I...

All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit.

The urge to change my mind and not go at all is enormous. I’m absolutely terrified to leave on that boat. But, if I don’t go, there’ll be one more broken person in this world...

He would have shaved the centaurs, dipped them in honey, covered them with feathers, and hung them up like a bunch of pinatas. I’m just saying.” – Warren

I think good advice for a father to give to his only son would be, “Don’t make the same mistake I made with your mother. Remember to pull out.

Rule of life. If you bother to ask someone’s advice, then bother to listen to it.

The hole in my heart matches the key I gave her, and I’d like it back, along with the key to my hope chest.

Best Interpretive Dance” for my adaptation of Joyce’s Ulysses into crunk. That’s cool and all, but you should see my Dostoevsky.

I only know I was born on March 5th because someone told me. I don’t remember myself. So it’s fact based on secondhand information and trust.

There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

What – what – what are you doing?” he demanded.”I am almost six hundred years old,” Magnus claimed, and Ragnor snorted, since Magnus changed his age to suit himself every few weeks. Magnus swept on....

A brick could be used to help you become the next Great American Novelist. Hopefully after you use it to crack your own skull, and not too long after your death, the public will realize...

His hand cups the back of my neck, and before I can think, he dips down and our mouths meet. For a split second I worry that he thinks he’s kissing Courtney. But that instant...

Yes. Your father helped me with that peacemaking thing I do that keeps you happily killing for a living.

I put a bowling ball in a football helmet, because safety first. I got a score the bowling alley had never seen before. The didn’t see it because it was an invisible 0.

But it is best to let sleeping facts lie.

CONJUGATE THIS:I cut class, you cut class, he, she, it cuts class. We cut class, they cut class. We all cut class. I cannot say this in Spanish because I did not go to Spanish...

You’re a very difficult person to manipulate, you know.””Nonsense,” he said. “You just have to promise me that I won’t have to do a thing, and then I’ll do anything you want.””Anything?””Anything that doesn’t require...

It was like there was some parallel universe we all vanished off to where we had all this sex.

Now what happens?” asked the man in black. “We face each other as God intended,” Fezzik said. “No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.””You mean you’ll put down your rock and I’ll put down...

I knew I was in love because when I saw her my heart stopped. Obviously it started beating again.

You can thank Henry Ford for that. He was a warlock, you know.

Dear Producers, Something is radiating deep within me and it must be transmitted or I will implode and the world will suffer a great loss, unawares. Epic are the proportions of my soul, yet without...