Pearl JAM! Pearl JAM! Now this is rock and roll! Jeremy’s SPO-ken! But he’s still al-LIIIIIVE!

Unusual financial activity: none, unless you count the fact that someone in the family is way too into Civil War biographies. (Can this be a possible indication of Confederate insurgents still living and working in...

Douglas’s fridge was a stainless-steel masterpiece. I’m not that into appliances or anything, but this one was nice and probably cost more than my last apartment. I had the strange desire to hug it every...

To a man, I love you means please keep feeding me. To a woman, it means she was talking to a new pair of shoes.

Drop by and knock on my bedroom window. My room is on the 13th floor. 1-12 are numbers on a clock, and I won’t wait forever.

I’ll write the first sentence in English and the second sentence will be nonsense translated to Russian, to make the ultimate non sequitur.

At least wait until you’re alone before you kiss her, if you please! Remember, her family is watching you, and we haven’t had our dinner yet!

Okay, don’t get mad.” She pulled out my stake — or at least something that looked like my stake,only the hilt of it was now covered in bright blue crystals and diamond-like gems.”You Bedazzled my...

Does it not occur to people that I might be artificial by nature?

Word” is too long to be short, like a 4” tall non-midget. My favorite word is love, and though it’s not long, it’s by far the tallest word.

I’m not that shallow, asshole. I don’t need money. It’s way more important for them to be good-looking.

Love is a skeleton wrapped in a bacon blanket. It’s sizzling and hot and tasty and I’d love to have some right now with a large cup of coffee.

… Besides it’s better to have Miyoshi around. You and me have a been together since Jr. High. Without her around people might think we’re gay.

Moderation is the key to old age and the doorway to boredom

She’d been trained as a child no to trust anyone, but he’d just saved her life, and she was freezing. He could be a yeti for all she cared.

I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell.

The Book of Life, I’m still writing it—both literally and literarily. So far I’ve written the Table of Contents. Right now it’s more of a coffee table.

Like Blue Ribbon Coffee, my love is in second place. But that’s OK, because like Blue Ribbon Coffee, I have winning taste.

*Appendix usually means “small outgrowth from large intestine,” but in this case it means “additional information accompanying main text.” Or are those really the same things? Think carefully before you insult this book.

Doesn’t like you? She hates you!

Night falls over Machu Picchu to the sound of Abba’s ‘Dancing Queen’.

The elevator wasn’t empty; it was full of fragrance. The perfume that lingered smelled like my past. Starting tomorrow, to focus on the future, I’m going to close my nose with a clothespin. One day,...

If my last name were Drinkfood, I’d pour you a hot cup of spaghetti. And if my last name were Eatdrink, I’d be more romantic and pour you some wine, and let you sip it...

I make love like uh huh. Huh? Uh huh. I also make coffee, though you have to pay for that.

And thus Charles found himself wandering around a hotel, trailing federal agents as he held a cardboard coffee cup holder in each hand, instead of out killing misbehaving werewolves.

What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said “no-no!”, forgot the “o” and decided to become a nun!

Brianna dropped the skateboard in front of Sam. “Don’t worry: I won’t let you fall off.” “Yeah? Then why did you bring the helmet?” Brianna tossed it to him. “In case you fall off.

3.5 billion men in the world all share one I love you. That’s why men rarely say it, because there is only one in the world for the whole gender to share and take turns...

It’s like pretending to be Santa and then stabbing someone with a candy cane!

Coffee, it’s love you can brew and drink. There is an edible kind of love, and if you’re interested, I make it by hand.

For the love of St. Francis of Assisi, someone call a vet. There is an injured animal screaming in pain outside,” Charlotte interrupted the flow of music in ill-humor.

As Samson demonstrated, going bald ruins lives.

Don’t panic. Are you sitting? You probably don’t need to sit. Well, possibly. At least lean on something.

Giving a reader a sex scene that is only half right is like giving her half of a kitten. It is not half as cute as a whole kitten; it is a bloody, godawful mess.

Nothing succeeds like success. Kill me now.

There’s nothing more important than literary merit, and that’s why I not only created an award—the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award—but I nominated myself as the first recipient. You can’t always wait for...

Paradigm shift: does that come before swing shift or after?

Dieting was cruel; it was an abuse of human rights. Yes, that’s what it was, and she should not allow herself to be manipulated in this way. She stopped herself. Thinking like that was nothing...

He sent Eliza a small smile before turning to Lawrence. “What say you and I return to the hotel for a bit? I need to check on my daughter, and you need some time away...

As an actress, or actr-ish, I’m jealous of everyone, regardless of gender or age. Sometimes parents will ask me how they go about getting their kids into acting, and my first thought is never, Oh,...

Is love a gift from heaven? If it is, it’s often wrapped in disinterest and rejection.

Love allows us to remember the joy, and forget the pain. That’s why I write things down, to help me remember.

Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered.

Piper’s lust was like a single bear trap in the wilderness. It was nearly impossible to find if you were looking for it, but it was something you wanted to be prepared for if you...

My daughter breaks both her wrists jumping off of a swing. Her friend, who is five, told her to jump off of it. I promise nothing will happen, she said. But why did she promise...

I had to be at work at 8 am this morning, so I set my alarm clock for 7:49. Naturally, my body woke my brain up at 1:11 precisely, and I laid in bed trying...

If you supplied me a tissue, I wouldn’t need it because I wouldn’t feel like crying. But if you withhold it, you’ll make me sad and you’ll make me cry, thus causing me to need...

I’m being ironic. Don’t interrupt a man in the midst of being ironic, it’s not polite. There!

Living with hope is like rubbing up against a cheese grater. It keeps taking slices off you until there’s so little left you just crumble.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.