Charming villains have always had a decided social advantage over well-meaning people who chew with their mouths open.

That was some powerful shit. Like mind and pussy-numbing, fuckilepsy inducing, reproductive organ-exploding powerful. You really are some kind of flogger wielding sex God.

If you’re wondering how I’ll ask you how you’re doing, the answer is silently and invisibly. My love is often overlooked, like a midget behind a counter.

POZZO:I am blind.(Silence.)ESTRAGON:Perhaps he can see into the future.

Unreturned love is like trying to make a sandwich with one slice of bread. Don’t stress—fold it in half and love yourself.

Luce blushed. “Then what kind of angel are you?””I’m sort of in between gigs right now,” Daniel said.

A blanket could be used to spot the blind. I’d spot Helen Keller nine points in a ten-point basketball game.

Sometimes I put on a black scuba suit and go walking on the beach, to relax. If I could, I’d sleep in a scuba suit—on a waterbed. Not that I actually ever get in the...

A book can tell me anything it wants to, but I sure as shit don’t have to believe it.

Two days ago, Tuesday at 10:10 am, I gave birth to a bagel. And God commanded me to slice up my only begotten bagel in two, and who am I to argue with God? So...

There’s a difference between preferring books to parties and preferring sixteen cats to seeing the light of day.

A brick could be used to sell a blanket, in a buy one get one free situation. It doesn’t matter if it’s rubble, if it’s free people want it.

I’m productive. I make things. I make fun.

I had a dream about you while having a dream about you. We were watching the movie Inception and drinking déjà vu.

But if she could be here, she probably wouldn’t be here. But that won’t stop me from ordering for two, and if I can’t eat it all I’ll take the leftovers home so I can...

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.

A brick could be used to start your car, if your car’s keys are cube-shaped and huge. You know what else cube-shaped and huge? That’s right—my penis sheath.

Are you off to the iceberg today?” Sophie retorted.

I like to go to Starbucks and watch the intellectuals. I observe them and their intellectualness. They in turn observe me drinking coffee and being a creeper.

My heart aches for you! But don’t despair! I am persuaded you will come about! Recollect what the poet says! I’m not sure which poet, but very likely it was Shakespeare, because it generally is,...

it was like staring at a whitewashed wall, but without all the emotion

A brick could be used to keep you warm at night, in the same way that a blanket could be used to smother a lover while they sleep.

Naturally I don’t,” Sophie answered.

You’re weird,’ he says.Despite everythin, I smile. ‘You’re always saying that, but in fact, you’re weird,’ I say.’Yeah, I know. Remember? That’s how I can tell you’re weird, too.

Whenever there is a hard job to be done I assign it to a lazy man; he is sure to find an easy way of doing it.

There’s nothing sillier in the world than a teacher telling you don’t do it after you already did it.

If somebody says ‘I love you’ to me, I feel as though I had a pistol pointed at my head. What can anybody reply under such conditions but that which the pistol holder requires? ‘I...

Whenever I think of something but can’t think of what it was I was thinking of, I can’t stop thinking until I think I’m thinking of it again. I think I think too much.

As if you could kill time without injuring eternity.

A fire broke out backstage in a theatre. The clown came out to warn the public; they thought it was a joke and applauded. He repeated it; the acclaim was even greater. I think that’s...

When you loathe yourself, a true friend will respect your honesty. And if you’ve been fortunate in life, he will probably share your opinion.

America used to live by the motto “Father Knows Best.” Now we’re lucky if “Father Knows He Has Children.” We’ve become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

I loved her like meatloaf. Our love was the kind covered in ketchup—and not gravy.

They were going to expel me. Mom convinced them not to… and got them to apologize,” Fern said, almost embarrassed.Really?” Eddie said. “See, Sammy, you don’t mess with the Commander, do you?” Eddie playfully hit...

A blanket could be used as a TV screen. How? No—why? Even better—why not? Why not wrap yourself up in your favorite TV shows and let the screen warm your body and soul?

Well, eventually yes. Immortality would be dreadfully mundane.

Fools live life; intellectuals only think thoughts arising from borrowed knowledge.That is why fools enjoy life while so called wise people are busy posting tweets about life. Unfortunately, I am a wise man.

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.

Divorce is a marital welfare. It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don’t drag down my country’s statistics...

Girls at war opt for a quieter cruelty than fistfights and drive-by shootings. Girls circumvent the corporeal and go straight for each other’s souls. The bleeding is harder to stanch.

Homo sapiens is one of the few species on earth that care if they’re seen having sex. The impala is unconcerned. The dingo roundly flaunts it. A masturbating chimpanzee will stare straight at you. To...

I always have my own opinion before my boss says his.

If your favorite politician got ran over by a bus, I’d express my condolences by telling you I know how you feel. Why just the other day I ran over a rat, and I felt...

Rachel: You’re a half-blood, too?Annabeth: Shhh! Just announce it to the world, how about?Rachel: Okay. Hey, everybody! These two aren’t human! They’re half Greek god!…They don’t seem to care.

I love the smell of a new book, but I prefer inhaling fresh bottles of ink and glue. They get me more lightheaded – unless I read the book.

I can kick the can down the road, and I can also kick other modal verbs.

Hiram!’ Shelton ran to Hi’s side. ‘Aren’t you you bleeding? I thought she shot you!”Red wine. When I saw it running everywhere, I played dead.’ He winced as Shelton poked his belly. ‘But I’m not...

I took a nap and used a napkin as a blanket. Obviously it was a small nap.

To some dogs I don’t like cats, to some cats I don’t like dogs, and to some people I don’t like. Mostly the people I don’t like are lawyers, lobbyists, and politicians.

Because I’m not kissing you until you do. And brush your hair while you’re at it.