I want to have negative three kids. Or three negative kids.

I’m angry with myself.

I am in love, and the river is beginning to ice over. I’d better go drown myself before I freeze to death.

There are many ways to kill someone. I prefer laughter, and doing it slowly, over the course of 70 years or so.

If travel were so inspiring and informing a business…then the wisest men in the world would be deck hands on tramp steamers, Pullman porters, and Mormon missionaries.

Sleeping, it’s what cats do best. It’s why they are my heroes.

Every man has a soul, but will every man’s clone have a soul? No, because me and some scientists will have sucked them out in the lab. Why sell your soul to the devil, when...

Wow, Mindy, you really have it especially bad. I have heard some stories of stress, but this just takes the cake.

Host: For those of you just tuning in, our guests tonight are the amazing Murder Magician, and his lovely minion, The Assistant…Assistant: Charmed, I’m sureHost: Who recently killed The Rumor. And you were awarded the...

What I’am learning is the world laughs through its ass every day, then just lies double-time when shit goes down. It’s like we’re on a Pritikin diet of fucken lies. I mean – what kind...

Gil’s penchant for blondes is world-renowned.

Insider trading is a serious crime. Do you know what the penalty for doing it is? Nothing, if you’re a member of Congress.

I’d rather coin a few words than coin a few quarters, nickels, or dimes.

Are you watching the boats?” Cornelia guessed. She craned her neck to see if there was any excitement on the river.Heavens no, I’m spying on people,” Virginia responded unrepentantly.-Cornelia E and Virginia Somerset

Holey? You have the the whole world of ear-related humor before you, you go for holey?

I loved her like elephants like remembering stuff. Those bastards just won’t let me forget and move on.

Kim was more than a little inclined to snarl at him, but in the past few days she had learned that snarling at Mairelon did little good. He simply smiled and corrected her grammar.

Love is a door leading to a better existence. But knock before entering, because behind that door I think grandpa’s taking a shit.

Abyssinias”I met a traveler from an antique landWho said: A huge four-footed limestone formSits in the desert, sinking in the sand.Its whiskered face, though marred by wind and storm,Still flaunts the dainty ears, the collar...

Music

We did it, we bashed them wee Potter’s the one, and Voldy’s gone moldy, so now let’s have fun!

I’m drinking your reply. Maybe isn’t too hot or cold, so I’m chugging it.

Fo’. Shiz.

I like to fantasize about how far I’ll have come in a year. A year from now, I’ll be 12 months further than where I am today. And the most impressive part is I don’t...

The best reason to fall in love is because you’re alive, your heart is open, and your wallet is empty. I prefer women with lots of money.

Demons, werewolves, zombies–they’re all supposed to be for entertainment purposes only.

Otis, on the other hand, didn’t miss home a bit. He had always hated the stairs in our house in Massachusetts. He was now five years old and very large for a golden retriever. I...

Isn’t Hollywood a dump — in the human sense of the word. A hideous town, pointed up by the insulting gardens of its rich, full of the human spirit at a new low of debasement.

You’ll be reading the breakfast menu without me before you know it.”Hmm, maybe I don’t want to learn French

She could be the love of my life, and I just met her. I’m 31 years old. She’s late.

Who’d win in a fight of love? A shark in the desert, or an eagle in the ocean? My money’s on the stripper’s ass.

I smile thinly, to make it clear that this will happen when hell turns into a family friendly summer resort.

Henry held up his taco- formerly Vlad’s- and grinned. ” Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”pg248 Henry to Vlad & Joss

I was able to preserve my integrity, in jars along with strawberries.

A joke is a very serious thing.

I was going to change my clothes, but I changed my mind instead.

Then the small man suddenly ran after them and said:”I want to get my haircut. I say, do you know a little shop anywhere where they cut hair properly? I keep on having my hair...

Give to the world the best you have and the best will come back to you.

History is gossip that’s been legitimized, and that’s really the case when you get into some of the Roman historians. Wow! They’d be right at home on reality tv.

I feel like someone who has a parade named in their honor, and doesn’t get invited.

How do god fit him ass in them jeans when he is, in fact, Everywhere

My next breath may very well be in your lungs. Store it wisely, because my life depends on it.

Don’t worry about it; only worry about how people like her breed.

That’s all women need men for? Sperm, a paycheck, and free flights?

Politics is the Art of Controlling Your Enviroment.

A string of burglaries is a crime necklace. Everything I have can be stolen except love, because I give it all away.

All of the signs we invented growing up and we never invented one for ‘he’s standing right behind you’?

Growing up, I went through an awkward stage. It lasted from birth to last Tuesday.

Writing is my life. Life is my hobby.

to pee or not to pee that is the question