Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?

Always mystify, torture, mislead, and surprise the audience as much as possible.

Either you go to America with Mrs. Van Hopper or you come home to Manderley with me.””Do you mean you want a secretary or something?””No, I’m asking you to marry me, you little fool.

Thanks to Dashiell Hammett. “He was thin, walked with a stick, and was the only private dick I knew who used the pockets of his sport coat. Maybe that means something, maybe not.” Ramone Ramone,...

Having a clone to bounce ideas off of would be a way to generate more ideas. Another way would be to build an idea generator that plugs into a wall socket and works only when...

The trouble with facial recognition software is that you get mistaken for every other person who doesn’t have a face.

Do you think Bubbles wants Chinese food because it’s made out of cats?” Genevieve questioned, shoveling a big bite into her mouth.”Genevieve, that’s just gross and wrong. Don’t say things like that. Bubbles is a...

I introduced myself as the man who’d introduce her to her future husband. Then I called over my clone, knowing full well that after they’d fallen in love and gotten engaged, I was going to...

Nothing says work efficiency like panic mode.

Love means never to have to say, “That hooker meant nothing to me” – Jonathan “Jack” McVoy

[Myrnin to Claire about their costumes of Pierrot and Harlequin, respectively]”Don’t they teach you anything in your schools?””Not about this.””Pity. I suppose that’s what comes of your main education flowing from Google.

Like most bad ideas, it started with alcohol.

Well, a lady isn’t exactly what they are expecting.

contemporary poetry is a kind of Reykjavik, a place where accessibility and intelligence have been fighting a Cold War by proxy for the last half-century.

I went on a road trip with my cat, Cap’n. I would have let him drive, but he was drunk.

Did he just rip out the engine?” I asked.”Yes”, Saiman said. “And now he is demolishing the Maserati with it.”Ten seconds later Curran hurled the twisted wreck of black and orange that used to be...

I’m feeling full of tiny princes, bustling to get out into the world and start plotting against one another.

Kind of is, actually.

The men responsible for this depression are irresponsible, and therefore only irresponsible people are responsible enough to get us out and reverse course.

If I didn’t have to kill you, I wouldn’t tell you.

I had an aunt named ‘abnormal Shauna’ once. But she passed away in an unfortunate cliff-top interpretative dance and fireworks accident.

What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He’s a loser—that’s why he’s number two.

My love is like the collision between a falling statue and still bird poop.

In my opinion, too much attention to weather makes for instability of character.

A las personas mayores de 40 años no deberían permitirles tener novias o novios. Deberían tener amigos, nada mas.

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.

Secret 83919240. Money is the poot of all evil.

Even now – in the final hour of my life -I’m falling in love again.

Cap’n just jumped on the bed and says we should take a nap. And who am I to argue?

Schwester Marie–Claire hatte in ihrem Ethikunterricht stets behauptet, es käme gar nicht darauf an, dass die Menschen an den Teufel glaubten, denn es reiche schon aus, dass der Teufel gute Gründe hätte an die Menschen...

On the board, Mr. Beery had written “Those who don’t remember history are doomed to repeat it.” I wasn’t sure if this was meant to be inspirational, thematic, or a joke about making sure to...

Women divided by ego and united by gossip ,Men divided by women and united by beer

Love is when you love someone’s spirit as much as their body, even if their spirit has departed and their body is buried wherever you hid it.

You run away to join another circus.

But you’ve loads of shoes,” he bellowed joyfully. I shook my head sadly. Men just don’t get it, do they? They’re definitely missing the shoe chromosome.

She had been a teenager once, and she knew that, despite the apparent contradictions, a person’s teenage years lasted well into their fifties.

My dreams, they all look like the back of my eyelids.

Dr. Pervy-PantsDr. DepravityDr. Ain’t-Puttin’-OutDr. Bossy-as-FuckDr. Obsessive-CompulsiveDr. KinkybonesDr. DeviantDr. Oh-So-Proper-I-Iron-My-JeansDr. Lick-My-BootsDr. Smug-as-ShitDr. Love-Me-Love-My-Butt-NozzleDr. Damn-Your-Dick-is-Motherfucking-BigDr. Full-of-ShitDr. Smack-a-LotDr. Ruined-Me-For-Anyone-Else

I’ll be sure not to let anyone but you carry me in her arms.” He turns and leaves the kitchen before I can figure out what to make of his comment. A sense of humor...

A great gift would be a map full of evacuation routes for the city, subtly telling the recipient to get the hell out of town.

When it comes to working with heads of state, my preferred variety is the titular.

I had never thought much of genealogy. A lot of wasted time collecting the names of the dead. Then stringing those names, like skulls upon a wire, into an entirely private and thus irrelevant narrative,...

A counterfeit is a knock off. A cat’s tail swiping a knickknack placed perilously close to the edge of a shelf is also a knock off. How do you think my heart got broken?

After we deal and heal…NOT A A SHRED OF EVIDENCE EXISTS THAT LIFE IS SERIOUS…..Jan Marshall

You stupid piece of warm bacon.

You’ll need to do a better job, Annabelle. No more dates like the first one tonight.””Agreed. And no more making me sit through your Power Matches introductions, either. As you so wisely pointed out, helping...

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

Intelligence Forecast of the Week: Quantum physicists will discover that the hokey pokey is actually more than what it’s all about.

I was not extremely patriotic about Mother Russia. I played their game, pretending. You have to deal with, you know, party people, KGB. Horrifying.

I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.