They’re ravished in haylofts?” she inquired hopefully.

It struck Mort with sudden, terrible poignancy that Death must be the loneliest creature in the universe. In the great party of Creation, he was always in the kitchen.

If you chose my clone over me, you chose me over me. So I’d get chosen, and I’d get rejected.

When I was two, a year was half of my life. It must have felt like forever. But when I’m 99, a year will whiz by. Life will go fast, even if I probably go...

I mean, I know it can be done, but no one has ever asked me to do it before. Plus, I have a reputation to uphold. This is Beverly Hills. The last thing I need...

that I will start with feeding you proper and then proceed with more…pestiferous acts.”I smiled through the confusion. I’d have to look up that word later.

A good story should provoke discussion, debate, argument…and the occasional bar fight.

I do not understand what makes mothers think they are walking-talking thermometers.But I think somewhere during the process of giving birth and changing diapers, they actually begin to belive they have this supernatural sense.

I nipped little kisses along his jawline. God, I just couldn’t keep my hands or lips off of him. “God, you are the most delicious thing I have ever tasted.”He laughed. “That’s something the vampire...

I loved her like silence looks black when you try to touch it. I don’t remember her name or what she looked like or what her voice sounded like or anything she’s ever said or...

Welcome to,to,to,to,to Stutterville! P,p,p,please have a seat on your own lap.

Hang up the phone on a vampire, the definition of carefree.

I am not going to give you disclaimers about what you can expect to find in my story. I went through menopause recently and find I don’t much care about anyone’s sensibilities anymore. I am...

Making money for my clones, now that’s what I call self-enrichment. Having all my clones working for me, working for free, and enriching me, now that’s what I call social progress. Ah, but that’s life,...

After I returned to New Jersey, I thought I was safe, because I did not think Kenny G could leave the bad place, which I realize is silly now – because Kenny G is extremely...

We got the spell exactly right. Except for the ingredients. And most of the poetry. And it probably wasn’t the right time. And Gytha took most of it home for the cat, which couldn’t of...

Love should last a lifetime. But not the lifetime of a giant tortoise. More like the lifespan of a gastrotrich.

My ex girlfriend, she gave great log cabin. But she couldn’t write a speech like Lincoln. So I grew a beard and broke up with her.

I spilled more times than a glass of milk on a roller coaster.

He sees me when I’m lying. He hears me when I flirt.

People who want to climb mountains just like taking metaphors for real. So when I say I could murder for a mangosteen, I hope you don’t think I’m going to go out and do that.

With each replacement of parts, a car slowly becomes Chinese.

Smartass Disciple: Master, I want to eradicate all corruptions in this world.Master of Stupidity: Let it be a bit! Otherwise you’ll make us jobless for good.

I went to school to be a comedian. I was always cracking jokes in class. And after they were cracked, the teacher would try to put them back together.

I’m thinking of killing everyone whose name is a palindrome

Mae’s first impulse was to die of shame, but she realized after a hot, stomach-clenching moment that this was probably impractical.

Then you’re aping him. Valentine was one of the most arrogant and disrespectful men I’ve ever met. I suppose he brought you up to be just like him.””Yes,” Jace said, unable to help himself, “I...

My zip code is my salary. Too bad I live in 32256 and not 90210. Also, I lied—but only because the zip code 00000 does not exist.

If it had been great sex I doubt I’d remember he tooted between thrusts.

Rules and school are tools for fools! I don’t give two mules for rules.

Through the miracle of science, or divine intervention, a brick could be made soft, like Jell-O, and a blanket could be made rigid, like the laws regarding the speed limit, as interpreted by the cop...

I buy my clothes large, so I feel comfortable gaining weight. When I love, I do it in two sizes—extra large, and refill.

The best things in life are the things you do by mistake.

He looked back at her, and when she saw the look on his face, she saw his eyes at Renwick’s, when he had watched the Portal that separated him from his home shatter into a...

I want to make enough money to buy an island. Something modest, like Australia.

Yes, life is hard, but it’s not a bad way to pass the time. When all is said and done, I recommend it.

When I walk my dog, people always ask if we’re twins.

I was too late to be early. Good thing I was on time. And though my I love you was said at the right moment, my aim was off and I hit the wrong person.

No, no. Don’t make that face. Every time I propose to you, you make that twisty, unhappy face. It wears on a man’s confidence.

Nerd love. It is a beautiful thing, while also being an object of mockery and hilarity for those of us who are more sophisticated.

My love is in the shape of a car, and when it hits you you’ll notice.

Check out that one at the end. He’s taken the form of a footstool. Weird…but somehow I like his style.””That is a footstool.

Two empty chairs are not a good use of space. Fill them up with love.

Respect? Of course, always, to all, because everything seems funnier when you’re trying to show respect.

It’s some homeless woman. She looks like she needs money and a good wash.” And I thought I’d already reached the lowest point of my day.

Eat dirt evil doer!

Love, it’s like catching barrels in a fish.

I keep telling myself sensible things, but I never seem to listen!

Clothes are expensive. Save money and become a nudist. Remember: Fashions may change, but naked is always in style.

Your dog looks dirty. You could give it a bath, or I could piss on it for free. Or you could pay me to piss on it, that’d work too.