God didn’t make Eve from Adam’s rib. He took out half of Adam’s brain by accident.

An artist is somebody who produces things that people don’t need to have.

Don’t waste yer’ breath kid. Explainin’ anything to that one? It’s like tryin’ ta’ slap the dumb off a retard… -George Foster

I don’t care if you live by the motto: let the chips fall where they may, but don’t you dare spill the salsa. Not unless you’re holding it while we’re enjoying romance in motion known...

And then everything was in the hands of gravity, which has never had much love for the terminally stupid.

…What do you do with all your money?””Me and the French hoard gold.

I had a dream about you. I think we made love, but I can’t be certain because the scenes were censored by the Moral Authorities. The thing that pisses me off is my grocery list...

If there is a god maybe it rewards those who don’t believe on the basis of insufficient evidence–and punishes those who do.

And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.

Sure. If she gets mugged, she can just flute them to death.

If I spent as much time as I did money, I’d be dead tomorrow.

Did you get notes for me?””No”, Ronan replied,”I thought you were dead in a ditch.

They say there are twelve steps to quitting something. But what if that something is playing with a slinky? Seems like you should be able to quit playing with a slinky using no steps.

Pornography was not meant to be looked at. Pornography was meant to be read—on Braille-embossed condoms.

I want an answer about my request to transfer. Even now, my balls are shrinking in anticipation of going back out in the cold. I said I’d give my life protecting humanity, but my balls...

On a good day, my style is librarian chic. On a bad day, it’s frumpy mother.

I glanced at George half naked in his towel, then at Barkley, completely naked in his . . . nothing. A vampire and a werewolf. I shook my head. It was obvious. I was having...

My heart beats to the rhythm of the windshield wipers. I’d better never drive in the desert, unless I want to die. Our relationship has one too many cactuses in it to be deserving of...

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it’s to ask if everything is ok.

I sleep on my side. And if you’re not on my side, you’re against me.

The girl who did my oil change was so sexy that after she was done, I drove nonstop 2500 miles one way, just so I could immediately turn around and drive back with a reason...

In the Code of Canon Law, it states clearly: ‘A person who is conscious of grave sin is not to celebrate Mass or receive the body of the Lord without previous sacramental confession.’ I haven’t...

Close your eyes and picture it. Can you see it?”I nod, eyes closed.”Imagine it right there before you. See its texture, shape, and color—got it?”I smile, holding the image in my head.”Good. Now reach out...

A sense of humor helps us to get through the dull times, cope with the difficult times, enjoy the good times and manage the scary times.

What is life without death? That’s like asking what is peanut butter without jelly? Or a baseball game on TV and changing the channel? Or government without taxes? Actually, I like those last two.

It’s complicated. He’s not…’ Human? ‘He’s playing hard to get.

I just got circumcised, and to help the homeless, I’m going to make a tent out of my foreskin. But right now I’m offering free coffee if you haven’t got a place to sleep.

I cried during my wedding, but my wife did not. That’s natural, because I was losing my freedom, and she was gaining a slave.

A sign read “Free drinks for billiards competitors only.” Hand-lettered below read “All others will pay.” It was written in blood. I could tell because a red fairy with what looked like black insect wings...

Geeks are not the world’s rowdiest people. We’re quiet and introspective, and usually more comfortable communing with our keyboards or a good book than each other. Our idea of how to paint theEmerald City red...

Ten minutes later, I chance a second look. They say curiosity killed the cat. I wonder what that cat was looking at, and was it as interesting as this?

Of Course!: Helping the Oblivious Realize the Obvious.” Nobody showed up to class, probably because the time and location weren’t obvious enough.

A morning coffee is my favorite way of starting the day, settling the nerves so that they don’t later fray.

He hoped and prayed that there wasn’t an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn’t an afterlife.

I had a dream about you. A stadium full of children in glowing white robes were singing your name like little angels, and I wondered who you were to be deserving of such praise. Then...

Pe domnul Van der Hoph însă c nd îl văd îmi vine să-l m ng i pe cap, ca pe un băiețel. Cred că altceva trebuie să inspire un bărbat.

I hugged him without any kind of fear or self-consciousness, fiercely, with a rush of emotion that almost brought tears to my eyes.”I could kiss you!” Chubs cried.”Please don’t!” I gasp out, feeling his arms...

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Certain people, people who are certain, are always wrong—and that itself is certainly wrong because it’s always always.

It was true. After our divorce, I’d ended up in a slight relationship with my last research assistant, Aurelia Feinstein, age 34-though let me state for the record it was not as hot as it...

If we all had an additional twelve hours a day, think of how far mankind could advance in just a year! That’s exactly what I’d be thinking about while I was sleeping twenty hours a...

I had a dream last night I was on tinder and all the picks were me in make up I was like she’s hot I’d do her. I just walked into my therapist office.

but if Yale joined us, there would be.

Leela: Why are we listening to them? It is a waste of time.The Doctor; It is difficult to know what will be a waste of time until after the time has been wasted, by which...

staying focused.” Right! My pants are on fire, and she’s handing me a crash course in Psych 101!

He said he thinks he’s God, and I said, In that case, I’m an atheist.

Once we were alone, Imogen unfolded her hand. In it, she held the key to the chains. I had passed it to her while we were in the embrace. Roden noticed it and scowled. “You...

We are the wire, and tomorrow is like yesterday with a furry back. Don’t pet me, Tuesday! Please don’t Wednesday with my emotions.

I’m the Director of Redundancy. I’m also the Director. I make love like I make love, and that is why I am the Director of Redundancy.

I wanted desperately to get all hot and sweaty with this guy, but I knew from experience that hormones affected my sensibilities like alcohol or pot. In the throes of passion I tend to vow...