A brick could be a breath freshener for a dragon. But so could a mint-flavored baby.

I think we should wean Grandma.

I had a religious experience at a crosswalk.

Cole – I just thought of a new game.Jaz – What’s that?Cole – Splat the Specter.Jaz – Rules?Cole – You can help me make them up. Right now all I know for sure is that...

Go fuck yourself,” I replied, always the lady. “I’m staying here.

I decided that a movie marathon was clearly in order. I tried to narrow down the options. Anything romantic was definitely out, as was anything involving space travel, kings, or handsome princes. Preferably there should...

Three weeks hadn’t changed Cop Central. The coffee was still poisonous, the noise abominable, and the view out of her stingy window was still miserable.She was thrilled to be back.

Several famous people have licked my nipples. Well, indirectly. First they licked the stamps, and then I peeled them off the letters and stuck them on my nipples.

Without death Death is dead

You stare down your opponent, lights twinkle, but you don’t blink. This is all you and that’s all him, and it ain’t all that much. An instant later you wake up in a hospital. Your...

Fiction is the poor persons travel agent.

No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

Remove God from the world of ideas. Remove government, politics from society. Keep sex, humor, utilities. Let private property go.

Fiction was invented the day Jonah arrived home and told his wife that he was three days late because he had been swallowed by a whale..

The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from some guy’s pocket.

He claimed that nearby gun thunder cleared the mind – but most everybody else agreed it made you daft.

I didn’t chug the hairspray because I’m an alcoholic. I drank it to style my throat hairs.

When you have faith in something a lot of other people believe then you a member of the church” said Ceas, “When you have faith in something nobody believes, then you a complete wacko

My friends scoffed at my anxiety and said dumb things like, ‘Fifty is the new forty!’ Which just made me realize that there are a whole lot of other people who suck at math as...

One’s options in this world are as vast as the horizon, which is technically a circle and thus infinitely broad. Yet we must choose each step we take with utmost caution, for the footprints we...

isaac knows how stupid i find these things, and he finds them just as stupid as i do. like lol. now, if there’s anything stupider than buddy lists, it’s lol. if anyone ever uses lol...

I always wear gloves, so at any moment I could commit a crime and not be worried about fingerprints. Plus, it saves on buying hand sanitizer.

It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it’s called Life.

I had a couple of friends in high school. And by a couple I mean my parents.

What do you think the Order is going to do?” he asks. “Help us open a door to Hell, if we’re lucky,” I reply. Lucky. Ha ha. The irony.

wash the brush, just beats the devil out of it

On some days, writing is wonderful. On the days when it is wonderful, it feels like you are the God of a universe that the rest of the world is not yet privy to. And...

I had a dream about you. You sold Tuesdays to factory workers on Monday mornings. You had a good thing going, until I showed up with a vender cart stocked full of Wednesdays.

A brick could be used as a hammer, which frees up the hammer to be used as a sex toy. The only question is, Which end will you insert? If you’re a politician, I’d recommend...

Some things are fairly obvious when it’s a seven-foot skeleton with a scythe telling you them

I had to close the door on our friendship, because he kept climbing in through my window.

Most families around town only had a bottle of aspirin in their medicine cabinets. If you had the flu, you took an aspirin. If you had a toothache, you took an aspirin. If you were...

I peeked in the bag. Do you know what was in there? I’ll tell you what was in there: a collapsible tray table. Is there any sadder purchase in this fucking world? Maybe a CD...

The lustful glances thrown his way made me wish he wasn’t such a damned bowl of eye candy.”- Cat re: Bones

Cap’n and I are available for birthday parties at reasonable prices. He does magic, and I make your cake disappear.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

It’s not that there is more stupidity. It just has more intrusive ways of presenting itself. It used to be, you could be near an idiot and you wouldn’t know it. With today’s advances, that’s...

Did the room get moved, or the time?” Both did. You’re to meet me at 3:33 in room 333.

We are naked, but we think we are not; we are wrong, but think we are correct. We are misled but we think we are properly guided. We think we have leaders but in reality...

Hey, I am thinking of it myself, in this part of world (East), we all do endeavors in praying and are sweating (white liquid) and this is our situation, frustrated , but on the other...

She frowned at me. “You need some rest. You look like hell. And you’re obviously tired enough to have gotten the giggles.”Wizards don’t giggle,” I said, hardly able to speak. “This is cackling.

She had no idea how long they kissed—and kissed—but she didn’t think about stopping until she ran out of air. Breathing hard, she slowly opened her eyes and stared directly into his.They’d heated. Darkened. And...

A brick could be used to instill patience in a pupil. Not a pupil as in part of an iris, but a pupil as in student. Seems a bit silly to try to teach eyes...

The figures looked more or less human. And they were engaged in religion. You could tell by the knives (it’s not murder if you do it for a god).

If I were named Brad Pitt, I’d thank the actor by the same name, because due to his hard work and handsomeness, I’d be famous.

Boomerang arrow, Kate — It comes back to you in the end. Boomerang. Respect it.

You’re the one saying how vital offing these kids and grabbing their brat is to the war effort, right? Well, I’m telling you I need way more cash to do it right, so–Lying.How have you...

Bite me, faerie fruitcake.

Keep it, compliments of the house. We all pitched in to give you that. Too bad we couldn’t come up with 80,000 more.

A brick could be used as brain filler for the political mind, just in case one of our elected officials needs a brain transplant to try to boost their intellectual capabilities.