Good things come to those who ate. I’m going to wait to eat. I just got done swallowing my pride, and I’ll be full for the foreseeable future.

Caveat Emptor.”

What a strange family you are! Is your name Lettie too?

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.

Daughters can spend ten percent more than a man can make in any usual occupation. That’s a law of nature, to be known henceforth as ‘Harshaw’s Law.

Man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.

Nothing doing. I’ve no doubt you think I should look noble as a sacrifice. But I’ve never wanted to look noble, and I won’t be made to. — Neville Fletcher

Sorry. Didn’t mean to step on any dead toes.

Now see, Dee-Ann Smith. That was just mean!

I have a protective coating, like a tank. It’s called Love. And when I get you naked, I’ll want to make war to you.

I stared up at the sky and raised my middle finger, just in case God was watching. I don’t like being spied on.

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.

Well finish your story anyway.”Where was I?”The bubonic plague. The bulldozer was stalled by corpses.”Oh, yes. Anyway, one sleepless night I stayed up with Father while he worked. It was all we could do to...

My love is like leftovers, and her image is the original meal. I should have eaten it all in one sitting.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes…dies.

Simple answers to the most difficult questions:1. Why do humans find it difficult to express themselves?To relate to the movies and books, later.2. Why do humans make everything look so big, beautiful & complicated?Ego feels...

She wants the kids, the cars, the house, and the white picket fence. I said sure, I can give you a fence.

There would be a spike in the number of girls who went out for a walk in the woods and were never heard from again. There always were when stories came out portraying the terra...

We’re going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones.

He had been inspired to start a career in the porn industry after reading the incredible tale of a Japanese man who avenged the death of his sister by going down on her best friend...

I could make dinner with one hand. Especially if I was serving Masturbation Stew.

I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

I’m on the Internet. I stay informed. They let old people on the Internet, you know.

Palindromes—making life easier for dyslexics since, like, forever.

THE PRESOCRATIC PROBLEM[all snap flags]Parmenides named his gun The Hot Power of the Stars. His gun was one, uncreated, imperishable, timeless, changeless, perfect, spherical. Spherical was the problem.

The slang for the rectum is “prison wallet”.

I was beginning to think that Simon just had a bad case of OCD, ADD, and PMS. With a little BS and OMG mixed in.

The only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions.

Poison!” Grover yelped. “Don’t let those things touch you or…””Or we’ll die?” I guessed.”Well…after you shrivel slowly to dust, yes.””Let’s avoid the swords,” I decided.

Well, thank the gods,’ he sighed.’Oh? And what would it be you’re thanking them for?’ Bahzell inquired, and Brandark grinned.’For making roads and letting us find one. Not that I’m complaining, you understand, but this...

I’m so ready you could drive a truck straight up my ass and I would bend over and push back until it was in to the rear bumper.

As I raced out of the office, I could hear Emily rapid-fire dialing four-digit extensions and all but screaming, ‘She’s on her way– tell everyone.’ It took me only three seconds to wind through the...

I travel by foot. It’s like a wheelchair in a microwave it’s so easy to camel. I sleep on a pillow made of coffee, and I’d ask you to turn out the light when you’re...

Brick could be the codename for Rick B. But why the need for secrecy? If I told you I’d have to blanket you.

It’s now very common to hear people say, ‘I’m rather offended by that.’ As if that gives them certain rights. It’s actually nothing more… than a whine. ‘I find that offensive.’ It has no meaning;...

I’m working from the assumption it’s going to go horribly wrong. If we get out of here with limbs intact and no aspen slivers in uncomfortable places, we’re calling it a win.”Merit/Jonah

Oh, Eeyore, you are wet!” said Piglet, feeling him. Eeyore shook himself, and asked somebody to explain to Piglet what happened when you had been inside a river for quite a long time.

Do not share your thoughts with people who think that what you are thinking is not worth thinking.

A window—it’s more entertaining than TV. Just ask a cat looking out, or a man looking in on a life he desires.

I carry all of my childhood memories in my mind. But maybe that’s not the best place for them. Well, you’ve got some extra space in your closet. Do you think I could store them...

What would your shoes say about the things you do everyday?

On my recent trip to Washington DC, I wore a hat I made out of a tin funnel that I covered with fur. Why? Because I was going to where the world’s largest collection of...

Books are like a mirror. If an ass looks in, you can’t expect an angel to look out.

Shock and desire have my nerves tingling like I’ve been struck by horny lightning.

I’m tired of talking. I want you to extract my thoughts through my nostrils.

Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he’ll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the...

Amy, Dan, and Nellie were sitting at a table in a conference room, examining reproductions of Franklin documents-some so rare, the librarians told her, the only copies existed in Paris. “Yeah, here’s a rare grocery...

I cleaned out my belly button last night, and I found the meaning of life. Gosh, I wonder how long it’s been hidden there.

The toughest part about riding a horse is overcoming the urge to eat it.

Lastly, she pictured to herself how this same little sister of hers would, in the after-time, be herself a grown woman; and how she would keep, through all her riper years, the simple and loving...