I live in a tourist town, and I hang out in souvenir shops because it feels like home. Visitors want to buy everything from postcards to my love, and I love that. However, only the...

Why do we assume space aliens will be less emotional than us? What if they’re more emotional? All that hugging could get old pretty quick.

Consider, if you will, the morning boner. What a metaphor of hope and renewal! How can anyone give way to despair when one’s groin greets each day with such a gala spectacle of physical optimism?

It is Father’s Day today. I should probably call all three of mine and say Hello, and thanks for possibly pumping my mom with the winning batch of semen.

Even I, as sick as I am, I would never be you. Even I, sick and depraved, a traveler to the grave, I would never be you.

As good a day to die as any.” He would defend them until his end.

The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.

I hear what you say in what you don’t say, you see, because I’m a Helen Keller kind of communicator. Love is just as visible as invisible.

Not to be rude, but it was all pointless,” I noted from across the room. Four eyes narrowed at me. “What? I said ‘not to be rude’. That’s like saying ‘God bless them’ right after...

And don’t drop food.

Release your love—and then release the prisoners. They’ve been trapped in my testicles all day. I wonder if we can get a family discount if we buy circus tickets in bulk.

I’d rather eat nothing than eat a carrot.

Women are constantly trying to commit suicide for love, but generally they take care not to succeed.

I love like a laugh in a can, so I hope you like Spam. I also hope you like spam, because I forwarded all my unsolicited penis enlargement emails to you, as obviously I don’t...

Surrealist Tip # 7: Sleep through numbers 1-6. Write down your dreams while you sleep, sleep as fast as you can, but try not to get a ticket—and don’t let the honking of other drivers...

Guns don’t kill people. An AR-15 from the National Rifle Association told me so.

That’s the beauty of argument, if you argue correctly, you’re never wrong.

An artist is identical with an anarchist,’ he cried. ‘You might transpose the words anywhere. An anarchist is an artist. The man who throws a bomb is an artist, because he prefers a great moment...

Wisdom of the Ages: “National Symbol” With the preponderance of lawyers, banksters, arms, drug and tobacco dealers in our government, shouldn’t our national symbol be changed from the eagle to the vulture?

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I could be a trophy hubby. I have the body of an elite athlete…that of a pro bowler.

I got bored,” he says. “Besides, you know what’s creepier than walking around your dead brothers’ apartment? Sitting alone in a hearse in front of his apartment.

To say I had some pent-up anger would be like saying Britney Spears had minor impulse-control issues.

Woman! Come out! I have—” She looked down at the bloodless grass, embarrassed. “I have come to rescue you,” she finally said, as if admitting that she were covered in boils.

What defines me as a person? A dictionary.

You can do this (this thing, where your body will cease to produce hormones and your skin, hair, muscles and bones… basically every part of you will notice, go into withdrawals, and stage a coup)....

The first rule of improvisation is AGREE. Always agree and SAY YES. When you’re improvising, this means you are required to agree with whatever your partner has created. So if we’re improvising and I say,...

A brick could be attached to a parachute and tossed out of an airplane, to test if it opens up properly. Well, the good news is the parachute worked as planned, but the bad news...

I didn’t form my lips into the shape of a kiss. I was merely about to whistle.

Naked intelligence officer (‘nā-kəd in-‘te-lə-jən(t)s ‘ä-fə-sər)1 : an intelligence officer in a state of undress 2 : an intelligence officer whose cover has been compromised3 : an intelligence officer, in reality fully clothed, disguised as...

144461I know very little having to do with human beings that doesn’t also have to do with connection. We want to be noticed, we want to be good enough, we want friends, and we want...

Love is more powerful than any gun. Still, I’d recommend wearing a bulletproof vest.

If your life was complete, you’d be dead.

After all, this was the place where I’d had my first meaningful conversation with a female, it was the site of a football’s first encounter with my groin, and above all, it was the location...

You don’t know me, but in case you’ve forgotten, you’re a loser.

I’ll wipe a booger on your living room wall, not only to show I was there, but also to say thanks for having me over.

Dad, is she serious?”John shrugged. “I argue with your Mama, I sleep on the couch and she doesn’t feed me. So i dont argue with your mama.

Carisoprodol. Comes in a white tablet like a big-ass vitamin, 350 mg of muscle liquefier for those tense, recovering athletes and furniture movers. Too much, and those relaxed muscles include your diaphragm, then your heart.

If you’re ever in a ghost town, it’s only appropriate to visit the cemetery. Also, ever thought that coffee’s steam is the rising soul of your dead sleep?

Uh, puedo hablar con Andrew Nelson, por favor?” I asked, feeling like an idiot.”Quien?” “El americano,” I explained. “Muy grande americano.” In trying to describe my father, I sounded like I was ordering coffee. But...

Your own brain ought to have the decency to be on your side!

Why send roses? Wouldn’t it be more romantic to deliver a dozen orgasms? For only $19.95, I’ll deliver them to your woman any day of the year. But be sure to book early for Valentine’s...

I often find myself in a room full of strangers, and very often it’s a tough crowd. But I’m a master networker, so for me, prison isn’t such a big deal. A smile extends much...

I hate to read books but a friend said he read the dictionary and that the Zebra did it.

You know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.”And yet it is still extremely funny.

He wanted to pay me in agriculture, but I told him, “I need something that’s going to put food on the table.

Jeremy and Karl and Elizabeth have known each other since the first day of kindergarten. Amy and Talis are a year younger…Now the five are inseparable; invincible. They imagine that life will always be like...

I could use you—if you pass the tests, of course. There are three of them. You have passed the first.””What are the other—” Hrun paused, his lips moved soundlessly and then he hazarded, “two?

A blanket could be used as a water purification device. Place it between a flowing water source and your storage barrel and let the blanket filter out impurities. Then after your water is pure, drop...

Hide things everywhere. Forget about them. Find them randomly and feel surprised like a pirate finding buried treasure. Avoid scurvy. Love more.