Not that I’m complaining. It was better than my old dream, where Harma Dogshead was feeding me to her pigs.””Harma’s dead.” Jon said.”But not the pigs. They look at me the way Slayer used to...

A blanket could be used to teach geography to a sleeping man. Better do it quick, before he wakes up and finds himself in the middle of World War III with no idea where he...

I surround myself with books when I write, thus surrounding myself with writers… only they don’t critique me and then get up for coffee.

It’s now 4:17 am, and I just got done dealing with Mrs. Indianapolis, of Indiana. She’s a regular here, and she accompanies her husband on all his business meetings. When I say business meetings, I...

What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.

Dill was in hearty agreement with this plan of action. Dill was becoming something of a trail anyways, following Jem about… He only grew closer to Jem. (Lee 55)

A brick could be used to help you write the book you’ve always wanted to write. That is, if you wanted to write a book on masonry with a target market of two—your parents.

I’m looking for a man” Bree started.”Aren’t we all, dear? All I got’s bread and doughnuts, but they’re the next best thing””I don’t know about that .. well maybe doughnuts. I’ve lost my .. friend....

The cave exploded with the sound of trumpets.A heavenly choir began to sing.A surge of power ran up the sword into Henry’s hand.A voice thundered through the cavern. “Whosoever Pulleth The Sword From Out The...

Gin is a confusing drink. It’s the only liquid that’s both wet and dry.

You are putting yourself in serious danger…’I think that I preferred to put myself in serious danger rather than confront my shame. My shame at not having become someone, the shame of not having made...

they’ll match the lemonade.” I make love like an Arnold Palmer, but not like Arnold Palmer.

Looking back, retrospectively on the events of that evening, I can see the irony — the shrink whose cat ate his own tail. At the time of the incident, however, humor was not in my...

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

So if animals aren’t our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

I want to make something of myself. I believe it’s called a statue.

Going to church is not a sign of going to God, if you think he is omnipresent, he is right there in your soul and bedroom.

I drive as fast as four tire swings hanging from a tree branch in the middle of winter. I also make love with as much speed and rotation.

A blanket could be used to fill the night sky with smoke, if you use it to suffocate the fire. And if you mess it up, I’ll use my hands to suffocate you.

Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.

Isn’t an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job.

I think it would be cool if we wore suits while we committed these violent acts of retribution. Not fancy suits. No. Cheap suits that we won’t mind ruining. Then if we’re caught by the...

We made love like two folding lawn chairs. We were both motionless, but the possibility of movement permeated the moment.

A brick could be used to attract a potential life partner. Yes indeed, and it’s how I met my ex wife. And the only reason she didn’t become my life partner was because I outlived...

If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.

If you pick the place, I’ll pick the date.” She wants Paris, and I want March 5th 2082.

Quick question: Is having no plan the same as having a terrible plan, or are those different categories?

She said she had to leave in four minutes. I said, Great! Let’s have sex twice.

In less than a year, the Bush administration will strut out of office, leaving the country in roughly the same condition a toddler leaves a diaper.

When I was young I found out that the big toe always ends up making a hole in a sock.So I stopped wearing socks.

I don’t think I’d come off well on TV. But if you ever see me on, my advice is to add more bleach and keep scrubbing the screen.

I would have had to kill him, and Death, you know, keeps secrets better even than a guilty Roman.

I am your Wednesday Sex Meatloaf. At least, I’d like to be. This Tuesday I have a vacancy, if you like leftovers from six days before.

I continued toward Atlanta with a Merle Haggard C.D. playing on the stereo. They weren’t great hosts, but those guys in The Ted Kaczynski Fan Club had great taste in music. It was all classic...

Show me a girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and I’ll show you a girl who can’t put her pants on.-Annik Marchand

God gave man feet for which to walk. And crush grapes. Can I get you a glass of wine? It’s homemade, though it kind of smells funky.

That woman needs protecting like Rambo needs a bodyguard.

I used to think Romeo and Juliet was the greatest love story ever written. But now that I’m middle-aged, I know better. Oh, Romeo certainly thinks he loves his Juliet. Driven by hormones, he unquestionably...

I believe in evolution in the sense that a short-tempered man is the successor of a crybaby.

I am the illegal alien of commentary. I will do the jokes that no one else will do.

I listen to helloes at 65 MPH. Anything faster is just asking for a goodbye. I’m too love and in young to do anything but drink coffee out of a helmet, while wearing a helmet....

Gee, thanks,” Jayden crossed his arms and frowned.

I’m trained in sarcasm. It’s like karate, only the sting lasts longer.

What’s on the inside, beneath that sugar? Is it a bug? Is it a booger?

Can you enter a house uninvited?””No.””Why?””That would be rude.

I accidentally sealed the box shut with my penis still inside, not realizing I may need to use it later. Being in love can be so distracting.

Things stayed peaceful in there, even as the crashing vehicles and the cries of the injured and dying reached a crescendo outside. “I fry mine in butter!” indeed.

Actually I was hoping for an on-all-fours sort of thing.

I am nine fifteen feet tall. I mean nine fifteen time tall. I measure height with my watch.