I’ve always found wildlife very calming– except when animals are eating each other, of course.

He’s dead. I don’t celebrate who he was, but who he isn’t. He isn’t alive, and that is a great reason to party.

Don’t take life so seriously. It’s not like you’re gonna get out alive anyway.

I was very close to kissing her. The timing was right, and the mood was right, but the distance of two inches between our two mouths was just too far to traverse in the end.

There’s an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is “performing the same action over and over, expecting different results.”… Now, I’m no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush...

The men who made the joke saw something deep which they could not express except by something silly and emphatic.

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that’s an alibi for my ignorance.

Listen, last time I talked to you three, you were all two oars short of having any oars, so I don’t want to hear it.

Jane Austen would be so proud. Another girl trussed up for a fancy party.””On the contrary, she’d be horrified. All that skin. You’d need about another five yards of material.

What we have here is a war—the war of matter and spirit. In the classical era, spirit was in harmony with matter. Matter used to condense spirit. What was unseen—the ghost of Hamlet’s father—was seen—in...

If I can’t suck your milkshake through a straw, it’s not a milkshake–it’s a glass of ice cream.

If a writer writes poems and short stories and novels, but nobody ever reads them, is she really a writer?

…as the old saying goes: if you teach a man to fish, he will feed himself for a lifetime. But if you just give him a fishing pole, he’ll have to teach himself.

A blanket could be used to find the Brick of Truth. Many lies will be layered on the Brick of Truth to try to cover it up, but the blanket will cover up all the...

If he didn’t want to talk about it, I wouldn’t mention anything. I wanted him to open it up for me, not me intruding and asking questions to him.

What what what?” and I didn’t respond because I fell in love with her.

Mealtime”A mousie squealing in a trapWoke me from my morning nap.Wasn’t he so very sweetTo tell me it was time to eat?”(From A CAT’S GARDEN OF VERSES)

You think he has some bomb defusing MacGyver contraption cooked up that involves lube, condoms, and a paper clip?

This ‘web of discourses’ as Robyn called it…is as much a biological product as any of the other constructions to be found in the animal world. (Clothes too, are part of the extended phenotype of...

LEELA: ‘To be, or not to be, that is the question.’ That is a very stupid question!THE DOCTOR: It’s Shakespeare.LEELA: And that is a very stupid name. You do not shake a spear, you throw...

He wasn’t my type — my type was more the skinny hipster boys in girl jeans and thick glasses, a.k.a. the first ones to go during the outbreak — but the sight still had me...

What Grimm fairy tale featured apiarian morphing humans?

What you call idiot points, I call awesome dollars. ~Seth

I made 100 dollars, or a Ben Franklin, today. And out of that I probably spent his face, or about five bucks, but I squandered it dishonorably. I should have saved face and saved face,...

Snakes don’t have fuckin’ legs, so how was I supposed to think there’d be one hidin’ in the face of a damn rock that’s ten feet below the summit?

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

creativity starts’ with a simple master piece

The clouds are like marble in the sky, and I just want to make a kitchen counter out of the atmosphere. I can cook like a flock of birds.

Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the world’s foolishness, you will regret it; weep over it,...

I thought you were dead.” Magnus smiled crookedly. “What, from that scratch?” He glanced down at the reddening jacket in Alec’s hand. “Okay, a deep scratch. Like, from a really, really big cat.

The more coffee you drink, the less sleep you need. I just had a great business idea. I could rent out your bed, and with the money you’d make off it, you could buy enough...

What New England is, is a state of mind, a place where dry humor and perpetual disappointment blend to produce an ironic pessimism that folks from away find most perplexing

Aside from criminology, I’d say archaeology has the highest body count.

Nothing gives you confidence like being a member of a small, weirdly specific, hard-to-find demographic.

Duty has a trick of behaving unexpectedly — something like a heavy friend whom we have amiably asked to visit us, and who breaks his leg within our gates.

UNA PREGUNTITA:,Usted entraría a un sitio donde, bajo una estatua de un tipo desnudo y muerto en un instrumento de tortura, se celebra un ritual cuyo punto culminante es la ingestión simbólica de la carne...

People don’t read anymore. And, when they do, they don’t read books like this one, but instead read books that depress them, because those books are seen as important. Somehow, the Librarians have successfully managed...

Is thyselves even a word?

Hey, mister, I don’t think so. You go outside and yell at sky, you so angry.

If love were seaweed, I’d ask myself one question: Are you the sort of person who’d swim through it, or would you rather eat it? As for me, pass me my Speedo, and a spoon.

Objection!” Metz shouts.Grounds?” the judge asks.Well…he’s my witness!

I put out the Gary call, but only two Gregs and a Susan came. Oh well, if they don’t want to snuggle, I suppose I’ll just sell my surplus supply.

Before I could figure out how to apologize for being such an idiot, she tackled me with a hug, then pulled away just as quickly. “I’m glad you’re not a guinea pig.””Me, too.” I hoped...

I froze, shocked. (And don’t try to claim that you did anything different the first time a government bureaucrat pulled a gun on you.)

Dinosaurs didn’t read. Look what happened to them!

She started dialing his cell, then hung up and tried the landline — maybe Margaret was a better bet to pick up; their parents’ generation still felt morally obligated to answer phones.

I want to design sleeveless jackets for armless men. I’m still trying to work out how they would zip it up though.

…flames moved towards himand dropped within-singed and marred his tender skin …(the frightful plight tale)

Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken!

I’ve met plenty of embarrassing parents, but Kronos, the evil Titan Lord who wanted to destroy Western Civilization? Not the kind of dad you invited toschool for Career Day.