I don’t know who the hell Paul Lynde is, or why he’s funny, and I prefer it to be a mystery to me.

I had a dream about you. You had just died, and I was debating putting your body into either a coffin or a shoebox. My decision was based solely on spatial concerns, so I chose...

You should praise, criticize and flirt with people right to their face, only then it will make a difference.

My kitchen is not a place to live in. I made it white so I can tell instantly if it’s not clean-and I like it clean enough to be able to eat off the floors-or...

I started to crawl off; then I remembered my leftover pizza, and I peeled off the salami, pepperoni, and anchovies and placed them on the CD tray (whicn no one used these days with flash...

If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down—or cheeks up.

No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.

I think. Therefore, I am. I think.”- AnonymousI found this written in tiny letters in the grout between the wall tiles above a urinal in a restroom at the University of Washington, circa 1980. I...

Good man and bad man with money goes a long ways.” ~ Amunhotep El Bey

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Witty sayings don’t grow on bumpers the way babies do. I was raised by a single rush hour.

If you’re texting Magnus to say ‘I think u r kewl’ I’m going to kill you

I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me.

There’s a hurricane coming to Florida, and there will be high winds. I should probably turn off my ceiling fans, to try to mitigate the billions of dollars in damages the storm will incur.

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I agree’.

Do you even realize how happythe average teenage girl would be in your shoes? I have a credit card. We’reat the mall. I want to buy you things. It’s like adolescent nirvana.”- Cora

We made love in the restaurant booth. It was romantic until our waiter knocked on our windshield.

I’ll pray for good semen. And I’ll get all of my friends to pray for good semen.

There really is no sense in pretending to be normal. Just be you because the moment you do, weirder things happen. Crazy comes back into fashion and every woman has to go out and find...

In my dreams, my spare penis was decomposing in my closet, and to me it was a symbol of our love.

I suggested that we had experience in helping other countries build their military forces, and we would be willing and happy to do the same for Afghanistan, together with the United States.

People who didn’t need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn’t need people.

My love smells like an empty mayonnaise jar. It ought to, because that’s where I store it. Coincidentally, my love also looks and tastes like mayonnaise.

If you’re going to be a superhero, can I be your sidekick?” -April”What?” -Grace”The Dynamic Duo!” -April”Um, I’m pretty sure sidekicks have to have super powers, too. -Grace”Oh Yeah… Okay, but you can always use...

I don’t get very involved in the L.A. scene. When you do get invited out, you are expected to be on all the time. It’s just wearying.

I’m glad the government can’t tax love, because I’d owe them a lot of it. And I’d be forced to tell them how much my ex wife stole.

Especially well known around the office is my weakness for dyspareunist women. Most people would find such disparity in unity repelling, but it harmonizes perfectly with my personal tastes.

It wasn’t enough that I had to worry about playing well and winning the game, but I also had to deal with possibility that one of my teammates could be dragged off the field by...

BioLogos claims there is no conflict between the theory of evolution and creationism. Huh? Here is where the creationists seem to have the intellectual advantage: they at least see the conflict. Actually, it is not...

There was a piece of ornamental water immediately below the parapet, on the other side, into which Mr. James Harthouse had a very strong inclination to pitch Mr. Thomas Gradgrind Junior.

Something about this made Reynie uneasy. Had he done so badly? Was this meant to test his courage? He did as he was told, closing his eyes and bracing himself as best he could.”Why are...

I think you can call me by my first name now, seeing as how you’re touching my boob. That puts us a little past formality, don’t you think?

You watch pro ball and those guys spend so much time with their hands on each other’s rear ends, you’d think they were feeling for diamonds or something.

I just acquired a choir. I bought it for a song.

A large proportion of mankind, like pigeons and partridges, on reaching maturity, having passed through a period of playfulness or promiscuity, establish what they hope and expect will be a permanent and fertile mating relationship....

Honestly, Wyatt, no selfrespecting female – cat or woman – is going to—

Most animals show themselves sparingly. The grizzly bear is six to eight hundred pounds of smugness. It has no need to hide. If it were a person, it would laugh loudly in quiet restaurants, boastfully...

England is better only because I stand out there as ‘unusual’.

It was exciting to be off on a journey she had looked forward to for months. Oddly, the billowing diesel fumes of the airport did not smell like suffocating effluence, it assumed a peculiar pungent...

The good lord only gave men so many hormones, and if others want to waste theirs growing hair that’s up to them

Are you on medication?

It may be prodigious, but it’s all Greek to me!

Standing in the corridor was a large plastic bin on wheels. He looked inside. Empty tins of dog food. That explained the spaghetti with meat sauce. Oh well, he’d eaten worse.

Curious about these new entities, the elementals asked why the gods were in the shape they were.”We are bipedal,” Erebus said. “We wish to be distinguished from the animals.””What are animals?” an elemental asked.”We’re not...

Well, I think Leo’s either going to learn a much needed lesson in social activity– or go nuts and kill us all.” -Crash

I hated that the soldier doll had my name. I mean, please. I didn’t play with him much. He was another Christmas present from my clueless grandparents. One time when they were visiting, my grandpa...

I love full on, like 65 mph in a handicapped parking spot.

A blanket could be used to make all your dreams come true. Well, not all of them. Just the ones that are happening while you are sleeping.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.

A blanket could be used as one square on a giant checkerboard.