Henry narrowed his eyes at me. “You going somewhere?””Lacrosse field trip,” I said. “I enjoy whacking the hell out of people with mallets.

I know a thing or two about a thing or two. One of those things is not love. Also, one of those things is not love.

I fixed your car,” he said, tossing the keys from a jade dish on the little maple end table.I palmed them and eyed him speculatively. “You fixed my car?””I have walked the earth for more...

Professor Milligan will now play his tree! The composition is in A Minor, the tree is in A garden.

All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit.

Intelink is the apocalypse it was created to help the Intelligence Community prevent.

Jeez, Claire. I used to distract myself with sports stats at times like these, but now you’ve gone and ruined it.

America is not a place. America is an idea that died along with my grandfather. And I’m sorry to say that I shot them both.

They call it a mushroom cloud because ‘cauliflower cloud’ would just be too scary.

You couldn’t be romantic if your life depended on it.” “You know what’s lucky? Most bad guys don’t ask you to be romantic on command, so that probably won’t matter.

He was warm, partly because he had on many layers, and partly because boys whoa re part wolf and part wind do not get cold.

I suppose I could get a job to have something to do, but working when I don’t have to work would be like pulling a straight and healthy tooth — pointless and extremely painful.”–David Palmer

I have a good ear for music, just like Van Gogh had a good ear for art.

She moved her hands like crane claws as she spoke, trying to dig at the essence of what she was saying. It was the dirtiest I love you I’ve ever heard.

When you make the judgement as a network that there are only three candidates, you are censoring points of view.

I had a dream about you. You were Ginger Rogers, and you were trying to teach me to dance, even though my movements were as stiff as a mannequin. I think you tolerated my abysmal...

I’m fairly competant as a director and actor, but I am Mr. Neurotic as a writer. I just don’t have enough confidence in my abilities to take criticism well. I take it personally. Start with...

Me and my grandma are getting married. Just not to each other.

A closet full of wire hangers can be the most dangerous place in the world.

Like the ocean I wave. Hello and goodbye are the same, when I talk with my hand.

Oh God, is this like Silence of the Lambs?” Tears flowed down her face. “I don’t want to go down the hole! I won’t put lotion on the skin! Look at me, you won’t be...

My table seats eight, so that’s my maximum. Having a small number of guests is the only way to generate good conversation. Besides, your whole house doesn’t get wrecked that way.

I may not carry a detective’s badge, but I’m certainly the highest ranking member of Albatross Harbor’s neighborhood watch program. And like tilapia, I know something smells fishy when I taste it. In my neighborhood,...

Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.

I remember calling the council’s cemetery department to ask about body decomposition in different soil types. Once they had verified that I was a novelist and not a sicko, they were extremely helpful.

If a gorgeous woman hits on me right off the bat, I’m suspicious. I wonder what she wants. If she hasn’t heard my wit, felt my charm, how could I appeal to her? I’m no...

I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to...

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Our love was soggy, like the biscuits I forgot to take out of the bathtub.

Bragging about your compassion is the first step towards feeling a genuine emotion.

I love you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I love you. I think you’re stupid. I think you’re a loser. I think you’re wonderful. I want to be with you. I...

Two bricks, parallel and horizontal, equals an equal sign.

If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.

Fifteen minutes later, a meeting was called. “Okay, look.” Deb’s face was dead serious. “I know I just joined this project, and I don’t want to offend anyone. But I’m going to be honest. I...

Leadership is being the first egg in the omelet.

And you look beautiful,” she added.”I look like a cake.””But a beautiful cake.

How now, my sweet creature of bombast! How long is’t ago, Jack, since thou saw’st thien own knee?

If somebody came up with a really good idea, everyone would back it. Especially when we did the show, we had a real dedication that, if you were in somebody else’s scene, everyone worked their...

Morality is of the highest importance – but for us, not for God.

It wasn’t that Nanny Ogg sang badly. It was just that she could hit notes which, when amplified by a tin bath half full of water, ceased to be sound and became some sort of...

When I’m drivin’ in my car, and a man comes on the…ra-di-o…he’s tellin’ me more and more…about some useless in-for-ma-tion! Supposed to fire my im-agin-a-tion! I CAN’T GET NO!

Thank goodness it only lasted a minute or so.The inhalant, that is. The sex was rather longer

I hope I never get so hard up I have to do advertisements. I’ve gotten ridiculous offers.

We losers don’t fear death. For us it’s the end of a lifelong losing spell.

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.

After all, this was the place where I’d had my first meaningful conversation with a female, it was the site of a football’s first encounter with my groin, and above all, it was the location...

I started studying law, but this I could stand just for one semester. I couldn’t stand more. Then I studied languages and literature for two years. After two years I passed an examination with the...

You will have relatively less problems to solve, if you don’t confuse problems with inconveniences.

Ladies pick funny things to be proud of.

The Freemen have 987 levels of membership, the first three of which are achieved merely by filling out an application. The 8th level is granted upon full acceptance into the local lodge, the 13th following...