Whoa, Rebecca,” Talia said smiling even wider, “Walking on the wild side, are we?”Raisa seemed to think the situation needed more explaining. “He – uh – I’m tutoring him.””She is,” Han said solemnly. “She’s very...

Once Errol righted himself into some semblance of horsemanship, they set off at an easy canter. That is, the other horses set off at a canter, while Errol’s horse settled into a teeth-shattering trot. After...

It’s awful bad luck to bring a woman aboard the ship.””It’s awful worse luck not to.

I want to be more like James Bond, and less like Ian Fleming.

Tradition or not, I sometimes thought putting children on an old guy’s lap was already creepy enough. We didn’t need to mix alcohol into it.

Pictures in women’s self-defense books never show women kicking other women. The idea is to leave something to the imagination.

I don’t need love. I live in a forest. The quiet is my companion. The cold is my warmth. My heart once suffered from frostbite, but I removed and replaced it with a fuel pump.

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

Saw a headline: ‘Killers Executed In Three States.’ How is drawing out their executions like that not cruel and unusual punishment???

You know, poets and songwriters have long known that people like repetition. You know, poets and songwriters have long known that people like repetition. I guess when I say people, I mean everyone but my...

I suspect I am a hooligan.

In an opposite universe, the iconoclast creates the icon. – Why We Couldn’t Possibly Be Living in an Opposite Universe, Reason 11.9

Go ahead, stick it in my butt.” Love is much more than that. Love is also a logo. I know, because I have it tattooed on my ass.

My parents would read those books to me as well but they used to make me starving when I was a kid because they were always eating ham sandwiches with the crusts off and drinking...

Man has become a tool of his tools? Man, what a tool.

I am the Guillotine of Love, and I will never lose my head over another woman again.

Braden’s.

Kiss the girls and make them neither confirm nor deny.

Agatha’s love had wings like a penguin. Certainly this was a plus in the cold winter months. But our relationship never really took flight. It was grounded like a 747 minus 748.

I’d like to point out that we’ve had zero problem reaching each other’s mouths.

She was an idiot. An adorable, gorgeous, feisty, funny, sweet, sexy idiot.

If I were alone with my clone, and we were enjoying each others’ solitude, I’d have finally have met a man with whom I could hold a conversation consisting entirely of the repetitive response, “Yes,...

Woman troubles, heartbreak, Twilight ending? Whatever bugs your mind.”-Jared

Critics claim to see no evidence of CIA’s new policy of transparency. Well duh.

I have alchemised my love for Agatha, and turned it into gold, which is the embodiment of Orafoura. I am the Elixir of Love–hot, cold, dry, and moist, I am the quintessential element: Jell-O. Agatha...

I check every can of Barbasol I buy for dinosaur embryos. I haven’t found any yet, as evidenced by the lack of T-Rex screams in my apartment.

Zeb was kindergarten teacher–a good one. I always thought it was because he was the same emotional age as his students.

Love is the hero of all emotions. My love for you is a superhero, and it looks great hidden behind a mask.

I’m a whore!”Miki hit the brakes…her hands.. gripping the steering wheel, glanced at Sara. “You’re not wearing any underwear, are you?”Sara let out a strangled squeal…

I didn’t come from a broken home – more like deliberately imploded.

I believe there are three tenants to live by in this apartment called Life: Love is empowering, Fear is motivating, and Passion is fruit.

You read a book for the story, for each of its words,” Gordy said, “and you draw your cartoons for the story, for each of the words and images. And, yeah, you need to take...

Love? Love is for children and poor people…

Don’t be afraid to be afraid. Have fear, and then conquer the shit out of it.

Wehehehehell, if it isn’t Ollie-Ollie-oxidant-free…”You can take…all the tea in China…put it in a big brown…bag for me.He’s as sweet as tupelo honey; he’s an angel of the first degree.Men with insight…men in granite…knights in...

A blanket really makes the bed. Good thing too, because I never make the bed.

Trust her; we girls are two sheets short of psycho when it comes to our special little time.

A cat purring on your lap while you sip hot tea, is there anything better? Oh, and you’re floating in a zero gravity environment.

Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.

A brick could be wrapped in plastic and sold individually to toddlers as toys. (Warning: Bricks can be harmful if swallowed. If ingested, please contact a physician first, and then the manager of a circus.)

Nick rubbed his hand across his face as he tried to make sense of her prattle. But that was the thing about Simi. She seldom made sense.

I’m so paranoid that everyone starts to look like everyone. I convince myself I’m a con named Vince. My lips are thin and tight, but my tongue is broad and loose. I’m taking my secrets...

Otter! Otter! Otter!Don’t lead cows to slaughter!I love you, and I knowI should’ve told you soon-aBut you didn’t buy the dolphin-safe tuna!

I’m running a marathon. I won’t be jogging, walking, or sprinting, but I will be overseeing it.

Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude.

Here, by the grace of God and an inside straight, we have a personality untouched by the psychotic taboos of our tribe – and you want to turn him into a carbon copy of every...

Growing up, I used to practice Invisibility Technique Number Twelve, which I took from the Book of Orafoura. IT#12 simply states: Act like a tree and hope your opponent can’t see the trees for the...

Having good intentions isn’t enough when actions fail; you also need some bad intentions so that you look competent.

Never follow the crowd….Until and unless you’re crossing the road…

My erection at noon causes an elongated shadow so black you’d think I was an albino.