I’m the master of distractions. A couple of hand gestures and BAM! I’ll pull the underwear clean off your butt.

Word of advice – never ask a terrorist the question ‘What would you do for a Klondike bar?’.

I’m not in manufacturing, but I make something. I make a difference. But to be honest, I think China can make it cheaper.

Even her pink bunny slippers seem to prick up their ears.Diary of a Penguin-napper (p. 15)

If you can’t do anything about it, laugh like hell.

Just . . . eat your Brooke Burger. Stop asking so many questions. Sometimes a guy just wants to buy a girl lunch. Any objections to that? Good. Enjoy your Sunday, Ms. Parker.”He strode out...

Love has a way of making the sane insane and the insane normal.

I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home.

A blanket could be used as a shield, in a fight with a cold shower. I know, because I won that battle this morning, only I wielded a sword—and an erection made of sleep.

She wore so much thick white makeup in order to conceal her naturally rosy complexion that if she turned around suddenly her face would probably end up on the back of her head.

I’M SCOTTISH!

The Builders are building with you in mind, dear citizen, so don’t worry your tiny mind about whether the bricks they are using are going to construct schools or prisons. They won’t tell, and you...

I never wanted to do political satire because it seems too surface to me.

Oh, there you are, Albus,’ he said. ‘You’ve been a very long time. Upset stomach?”No, I was merely reading the Muggle magazines,’ said Dumbledore. ‘I do love knitting patterns.

Well, first you have to be very, very funny. I have realized that it is essential for a boy to be funny. Otherwise, what is the point in a boy?

Alas! Charles made the promise glibly, and forgot all about it.

I am Butler. Anything I say sounds scary.

Oh God, Oh God we’re all gonna die doesn’t really fit the definition of banter, now does it?

A brick could be used in a levitation demonstration. The best way to keep it afloat, along with the American Dream, is with debt and denial.

Mr. Morrow, IOI owns this network…” “Of course they do!” Morrow shouted gleefully. ‘The own practically everything! Including you, pretty boy! I mean did they tattoo a UPC code on your ass when they hired...

A blanket could be used to improve the quality of your trumpet playing. Wrap the blanket tightly around and in the horn section before you start blowing, and my ears will thank you.

Now, my intention was to drink just enough to dull the senses, but intentions should never be mixed with alcohol.

A brick could be used to help define your rigid beliefs. I put my beliefs to bed, along with the hooker I rented for the night.

I’d like to make it clear from the start that I am gay, gay,gay. Like, when I come out of the closet, I’m usually wearingmy sister’s prom dress kind of gay.

Kick the blanket, don’t kick the bucket—especially if that bucket is full of death (or bricks).

But…that doesn’t make any sense…!”It does if you’re a goat.

A brick can and should be used as a telephone, because that way I won’t feel so bummed out that she never calls me.

He has a natural immunity,” I gritted out.

Any idiot can point out a problem. So, bosses do.

Reply when questioned on the safety of the polio vaccine he developed:It is safe, and you can’t get safer than safe.

transparent” administration.

So where does the name Adam’s apple come from? Most people say that it is from the notion that this bump was caused by the forbidden fruit getting stuck in the throat of Adam in...

Our neighbors were so excited when a black family moved in that they got them a welcome basket with the first three seasons of The Cosby Show on DVD.

If it’s the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator

A brick could be used as a spoon—to eat, not cuddle. OK fine, you can use it to cuddle too.

Gods, I love it when you talk mathy to me.

A brick could be a breath freshener for a dragon. But so could a mint-flavored baby.

Life is about more that quotes about life

There may be a sucker born every minute, but every 30 seconds a lollipop pops out.

Wisdom of the Ages “Unsuccessful Town Slogans” Sequim (WA)- “We put the Dung in Dungeness.

is push you off the roof.

OY! Stop playing around and lets cook already!”*smack*J-just now, that made a really loud noise..”Do you wanna hear it again?”N-no, you’ll just hit me again!”Kyo and Tohru

A brick is a fraction of a building, and a brick is like a building—if you’re like an ant.

For every guy who loves being a dad, there’s another who realizes too late that he’s created something his wife loves more than him.

A brick could be used to make life easier. Start carrying one around with you everywhere you go, and you’ll see what I mean.

You have food?” Winter scolded. “I thought you said you were hungry.”I’m hungry for other things besides what I have,” [Clover] argued.

A brick could be used to wash your hands. And after that, I’d suggest you wash out your filthy mouth. Scrub it clean, you scatological talker you.

My family tree spreads wide as well. I am a great ape, and you are a great ape, and so are chimpanzees and orangutans and bonobos, all of us distant and distrustful cousins.I know this...

A brick could be used to squiggle your signature with. And while you’re in the autographing mood, why don’t you sign your name at the bottom of the lunch bill.

Please, touch me, I pray.