V.L.A.D.: Vampire League Against Discrimination.

SHUT UP. Both of you. You’re coming with me.” To me he said, “Put some pants on.””Fuck you. This is my house. I make the rules. You take your clothes off. John, get the Twister...

Don’t say anything. Just act cool,” I whispered.Mavkel started to shiver.”Like this?” it asked.”No, I mean act calm.”Mavkel stopped shivering.

Take your finger out of your nose, Miss Steal.

According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.

Every sex noise can be converted into a note and frozen in a can of soda. Ask me about menstruation music today!

Running after the money and the honey makes the life stunningly funny.

He forced himself forward trying to seem innocent without acting like someone who was guilty who was trying to act innocent.

Only love will attract love.”~ Amunhotep El Bey

Don’t get me wrong. Sacramento is a lovely place, particularly for those with a fondness for methamphetamines. For the meth-addled, Sacramento had conveniently placed a Greyhound bus station just yards from the statehouse where Austria’s...

Who cares if you have a girlfriend, anyway?””I care” Simon said gloomily. “Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor. And he smells like windex.

To be unpopular, you must look the part. Remember four words: plastic flowered swim cap.

Beside me, Philippe and Meg hold hands. He murmurs something that sounds like, “my dear leetle mongoose.” I wish he’d turn back into a frog and hop away.

Your love, it takes me to the moon. Let’s get back to the film studio and start over. Pour a small cup of coffee while I take one large sip for mankind.

Military Wives—Sacrificing Months of Sex for the Country.

My love for her is deep, like the ocean, only not so salty. My love for her probably only has as much salt as a bag of potato chips, though it’s much, much more addicting...

Mom, how come you never go outside?””I told you, I’m a vampire.

I’d rather have a horse in a glass, because I’ll be just down the hall if you need me. My affection is fluid, so why won’t you let me love you?

I don’t dwell on the fact that I may have ridden on planes. That which I can’t remember having needed, I simply accept. It is the most preferable kind of self-insight: one that does not...

I put the hands in handsome. Then I put my penis in those hands. That’s some good-looking lovemaking.

The chickens bounced onto the pink and purple bush and landed on Annika’s head.” It’s funny because nobody has ever said that before. I should get an award or something because I just made history!

I called her Nebraska, because she was from Iowa. We made love like the Midwest. Well, not all of it. More like the Midwest minus Kansas, if you know what I mean.

In my sleep I have my nightmares, awake I have my thoughts, I am not sure which is worse.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Vic knelt by Lucas’s side. ‘You look like crap, by the way.”Thanks for breaking it to me gently.’ Lucas took a deep breath, then groaned.

Life is too short to dance with ugly men

I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call “food”.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

It was a well-known fact that Lorna was leaving in six months’ time, since Lorna had been leaving in six months’ time for close to twenty-five years.

… a man doesn’t like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong by a man who claims he doesn’t know anything.

You don’t just flirt with disaster, you have intercourse with it.

… but to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, ‘What if Jesus had known kung fu?

You aren’t going to throw up are you? This is one of my favourite suits.

For many, many years.” The crooked smile on Trent’s mouth sent a shiver throughout my body. He was utterly dangerous when he wanted to be.

At twenty years old, Michael had vague plans to make changes in his life, but turning blue whilst stood in a walk-in bath in an old people’s home wasn’t one of them. Usually boys of...

I had a dream about you. At first you were a mannequin, and I was a fashion designer. Then, inexplicably, we switched roles and I became the mannequin. But instead of putting clothes on me,...

A blanket could be used to help frowners smile. I’m only halfway through the process myself, which is why I’m smirking.

Because when I first saw you I thought─no, I knew─you were special. Because I still think that every time I look at you. Because I think you’re smart and funny and brave. But most of...

A brick could be used as a marketing tool. I’ll help you grow your business, if you help me plant this brick in the ground.

I used to have Santa and the whole coal thing, but between Wade and their father, the little shits get whatever they want. They no longer feel like they need the fat bastard!

Bricks could be used to fill my empty trophy cabinet. But first I’ve got to win them.

Go fuck a cactus, classless cunt.

Nerd life is just so much better than regular life.

Calm your tits, pussycat.

You’re a big boy, No. You’ll figure something out. Just make sure it includes the groveling.” -AbbyIt come to all of us. Especially those of us foolish enough to fall in love with women who...

Why are we learning about the past, when this is History?

The hardest part about being a kid is knowing you have got your whole life ahead of you.

A brick could be used to make it harder for people to achieve their dreams. A brick is just another obstacle they have to overcome if they are going to achieve their goals.

Maybe it was me,” Grandma said.”Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?