But I majored in Drama, modified with Psychology.

The shortest horror story:The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door.

Asia is an entertainment, Europe is a dream, America is an imprisonment and Rest is a nightmare.

All superheroes have origin stories, like how Bruce Wayne’s parents get killed and he goes to Tibet or whatever, and Superman is an alien, and Spiderman had that radioactive spider. Me? I kissed a janitor...

We’ve discovered that the less we do, the more money we make.

He’d never been shy, but he’d always been a little uncertain around girls. He just couldn’t believe they liked him.

A Skalan trader tried to tell me the streets of his cities were paved with gold,” Alec went on. “I didn’t believe him, though. He was the one who tried to buy me from father....

I have the ostrich of an asshole. I also have the asshole of an ostrich. With these two things, I have everything I need. Well, aside from love.

That definitely wouldn’t help your getting over me.

When mice run, cats give chase.

Never let go of a good thing without a fight. Especially if that good thing is a pair of boxing gloves.

I like Spike Lee a lot. He’s incredibly gifted and I don’t think he gets the credit he deserves as a filmmaker.

Welcome to Arizona, you bastard.

Last time I had sex I was so good I got a standing ovation. Well, actually, I just got the clap.

You had to know how to fight or you had to know how to avoid a fight. I didn’t enjoy fighting, so I learned how to avoid them.

You’re back,” Sam said, as if he couldn’t quite believe it.She lifted her chin, stuffing her hands in her pockets. “Obviously.”He tilted his head slightly to the side. “How was the desert?”There wasn’t a scratch...

I like using big words. Words like huge, gigantic, massive.

It was the worst moment of my life. The producer came up and talked me back into going on stage.

Yeah? Prove it?”You found me.”Yeah, and awakening your inner vampire, scaring the shit out of yourgirlfriend, and screwing up your life.”Then that’s my bad luck,” he corrected her.

It’s been said that men think only about sex and food. And some men, like my uncle Lester, think about sex with food. Needless to say the church has ordered him to cease bringing his...

Our principles are the springs of our actions. Our actions, the springs of our happiness or misery. Too much care, therefore, cannot be taken in forming our principles.

That still small voice within sure seems to refuse to confirm or deny a lot.

Love is a green sky on a blue pasture, and I am the flying cow eating it all up.

We know that there are many animals on this continent not found in the Old World. These must have been carried from here to the ark, and then brought back afterwards. Were the peccary, armadillo,...

Is this safe for work, and is this safe for work? – CIA security officer, examining employee’s personal safe with racy calendar attached

I want to hang from a tree the way Spanish moss hung from my father’s face, like the mustache he was so embarrassed he couldn’t grow.

Mother, you have my father much offended.

Motivational Secret of the Week. When the dancing starts, don’t worry about what others will think of you, just get up and leave.

Love is an empty bottle, and it makes my heart thirsty thinking how fast I chugged it

I’m so careless that now i don’t even care if i cared for you.

Freedom without discipline is chaos. Discipline without freedom is tyranny. Therefore, freedom with discipline is tyranny and chaos.

I read books so dry even a cactus couldn’t grow on them. But who cares? I’m not a farmer, I’m a thinker.

I see uncool people!

Director’s cut? Let’s hope it’s a major artery.

Sketchy black van? Weird stalking of my house? What are you going to do next, offer me some candy?

I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

If debates accomplished anything, there wouldn’t be a need for intelligence agencies.

Rather than waste a whole day, I would rather spend it counting to 86,400.

But we left camp after a while and we was driving in a real spooky place cause all the roads up near camp are dark and in the woods and we had to drive for...

My grandma Ruthie, Jettie’s sister, had been married four times, so many times I started calling every old man I saw at the grocery store Grandpa.

If I could convert my love into clay, and then shape it, I wonder if Agatha would expect a Rodin or a Branscusi. In reality it would be neither, as my love sculpture would look...

Work is important to me. I want to do things for principle, not just for the sake of doing them.

Guns don’t kill people. An AR-15 from the National Rifle Association told me so.

I love you because I love you, and if you don’t like it you can use my circular logic as a noose and hang yourself.

The mind likes a strange idea as little as the body likes a strange protein and resists it with similar energy. It would not perhaps be too fanciful to say that a new idea is...

She had a knack for relieving the tension in a room by pretending my rudeness away with cooking. Many, many chickens had given up their lives to cover my conversationalist shortcomings.

A blanket could be drenched in water, frozen, and then enjoyed like a giant cotton popsicle by prisoners of a gulag, who might consider this a tasty treat compared to what they normally eat.

A brick could be divided into four equal pieces and split among three friends. I’ll take the two largest pieces, or half, whichever makes me appear the most generous.

Agatha was so tight-fisted she could squeeze a penny and strangle Abe Lincoln.

For all of life’s problems, blame my father. He was never there for me, not even at conception.