I saw you put rice in a toaster once,” said Mae. “I was there when made the tin of beans explode.””It was faulty,” Jamie protested, his eyes shifty. ” I am sure of this.

A brick could be used as gift for the man who has everything. Here’s a tip: that man doesn’t have everything, because I just stole his wallet. But I can’t very well give him a...

Aunt Mercy put down her tiles, one at a time. I-T-C-H-I-N.Aunt Grace leaned closer to the board, squinting. “Mercy Lynne, you’re cheatin’ again! What kinda word is that? Use it in a sentence.””I’m itchin’ ta...

It’s sometimes funny to watch some people doing something the wrong way but doing it confidently. Even more funny, they succeeded.

A brick could be used to represent a memory. That way when you live in a brick house, you could be living in the past.

The world is in trouble because of a few funny sympathetic philosophers

Coordinating the retreat was important too, so important that Jiaan had assigned Aram as Fasal’s assistant, to be sure he didn’t overlook anything important. Like the fact that they were supposed to retreat.

Literature doesn’t exactly have a strong mental-health track record.

Did you see that dress?” “I saw the dress.” “Did you like it?” He didn’t answer. I took that as a yes. “Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the...

Pleased to meet you.” Sage said, offering his hand. “The pleasure is all mine,” Rayna Purred. “Unless ofcourse, it’s all Clea’s which is even better.”Sage smiled and might have even blushed a bit, which was...

When I go to the bathrooms, I cannot take off my pants as before; because there is a light continuously blinking like a camera, everyone says it is just an environmental friendly lighting. Well, I...

I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.

A blanket could be used to keep an iceberg warm. People are so selfish and want to stop global warming. Well, if you were a snowman, and were cold all the time, wouldn’t you welcome...

Sure I eat my feelings, but I save the emotional roller coaster for dessert

Is he about to kiss me? Did he eat garlic too or was I the only one? ‘Cause if Ric didn’t eat garlic then my breath’s gonna stink and he’ll think… Oh for fuck sake,...

I believe in evolution in the sense that a short-tempered man is the successor of a crybaby.

Televators Broken

There’s always time for arguin’ when you’re a Fuentes.

I have a fist like a brick, but I don’t punch through walls—I build them and become them.

Knives are sharp, but are equally confusing.

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

No thanks, I’ve already got a spot of tea on my shirt.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Humility” If you don’t have it, you’re gonna get it.

From: Beth Fremont To: Jennifer Scribner-Snyder Sent: Thurs, 09/30/1999 3:42 PM Subject: If you were Superman … … and you could choose any alter ego you wanted, why the hell would you choose to spend...

A brick could be used to bestow gratitude upon your favorite (or least favorite) politician. Let them know your approval level by giving them the gift that says both Thank You—and Fuck You.

You’re far too prickly tempered to be a mistress. You’re far better suited as a wife.

I have never wanted to punch a highway in the face as badly as I do right now.

Bricks could be used to fill Fort Knox. I know, I know. You’re probably thinking, if we fill Fort Knox with bricks, where will we keep all the gold that’s kept there? I still need...

The first sign that Karma was now in cahoots with the Devil Incarnate to ruin her existance should’ve been before sunrise and pre-coffee.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

A blanket could be used as a cover of your favorite song by your favorite cover band.

So he slips his head off of Jeff’s shoulder and slides out from under Evan’s Armand shuffles down to the bottom of the bed. It doesn’t have a lot of dignity this part of their...

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.

Rose’s work of art took her all day, including two playtimes, story time, and most of lunch.At the end of school it was stolen from her by the wicked teacher who had pretended to be...

I’m done. I’m going to go to bed and read important books about theater.””It would would be easier if you just said porn,” Scarlett said.”No idea what you’re talking about. But knock first if you...

Do you ride?”She smiled, her fingers lightly sliding around his ear. “Not since I hit that barn”Zach’s hands paused on her flesh. “You hit a barn?” “I had to avoid the cow

I found this, though,” Gazzy said excitedly, holding up a small green box. “Gas-X! Like, ‘X’ for explosion! This is great! I’m thinking I rig this with a detonator and-“”Did you find that in the...

I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?

Somebody dies and people eat your food. Funny how that works.

Are you sure this is a good idea?’ I ask.‘No,’ says Amber. ‘Let’s do it.

She whistled when she noticed my back. I assume because of my injuries. I mean, my ass just isn’t that spectacular.

His left eyebrow crept higher and higher as I told him the strange bits like the glowing letters and serpent staff. “Well, Sadie,” Inspector Williams said. “You’ve got quite an imagination.” “I’m not lying, Inspector....

A brick could be cast in Samuel Jackson roles. It would be cheaper and more dramatic.

will I achieve this?no way.that’s not acknowledging me.i am on wrong way.i accept.

Back then, I was doing more of my impression of what a comic is supposed to do.

Blankets could be used to stop exponential population growth. If we kept the people warm, maybe they wouldn’t try to heat themselves up through continual fornication.

If you put any effort into anything you do and have a strong sense of self to the point where you don’t even question your choices before you walk out of the house— you’re a...

Then you had people who wanted to get into comedy just to get a TV deal.

I am pretty tenacious as a perfectionist in terms of getting something right.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.