I made a graph of my emotions, a chart, and when I looked it over I was amazed to notice that the day Agatha broke up with me looked identical to the stock market crash...

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

Is the line between the essential and the peripheral essential or peripheral?

My couch is coffee-colored. I can thank Starbucks and clumsiness for that.

Have you ever started to wave at someone and then realized they weren’t really waving at you, so you abort and go for a head scratch instead? That’s how I felt.

SpookSpeak. Agent n. The average of a double agent and no agent at all.

I’m a romantic. I like cold coffee and orgasms that arrive fifteen minutes after I’ve put on my clothes and paid the lady.

Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior.

On the directory map in CIA Headquarters lobby, it says ‘You Aren’t Here.

Why take the stairs when someone else can take them for you? Love is like a flight of stairs—somebody’s going to take them, so I may as well be unselfish and take the elevator.

There are few things more mysterious than endings. I mean, for example, when did the Greek gods end, exactly? Was there a day when Zeus waved magisterially down from Olympus and Aphrodite and her lover...

You’re a sweetie. I appreciate you cheering me on from the sidelines. But I think I need to go to the bathroom now and throw up.

I want to make pants out of tuna fish, to accompany my cottage cheese thighs.

I’ve never been bothered with my conduct. I’ve only been bothered by people that don’t get it correct when they gossip about me.

CIA. Global, mobile, with a cause that’s noble.

I know how to tell a woman I love her in seventeen syllables or less. I’m not talking about a haiku, I’m talking about grunts from an orgasm.

People keep asking “Jacob or Edward?” when the really important question is “Diamond Dave or Sammy?

Most of the people you read about being turned meet vamps in clubs or over the Internet…Ew, did you…?””Yes, I met a vampire on the Internet, went to his evil love den, and let him...

The 27th letter has always been my favorite letter of the alphabet. But, then, I also love ghost stories, invisible beings, the supernatural, and Bigfoot. Just ask The Mythical Mr. Boo, who’s first name begins...

Why does everyone think the future is space helmets, silver foil, and talking like computers, like a bad episode of Star Trek?

This is not how people behave in a Cracker Barrel!

I am the Love Camel of Llama Land. Come, hop on my hump and let me lead you to water.

Our family was nearly torn apart on several occasions by arguments started when the refrigerator door was open for what my father deemed as ‘too long.

Drought is the best thing that ever happened to my lawn. And my beard.

You’ve read half the books in this house? This whole house?” “Well, approximately half.” Sticky said. “To be more accurate, I suppose I’ve read more like” – his eyes went up as he calculated –...

I am a love factory. I make love out of high quality plastics at an affordable price.

I place a higher value on human life than on no human life. But only barely.

And then she walked out of my life forever. Too bad she was hitchhiking. I should have picked her up.

A brick could be used as a doorstop. But that’s obvious. What isn’t obvious is why somebody would want to stop a door, since doors represent openness. What is that person hiding behind that door...

Up until I saw the hair in my food, it was delicious. You know, cannibalism isn’t so bad.

I think that guy’s listening in on our conversation.

I’ll take a brick in a blanket, hold the ice.” What the bartender started, the Finnish guy finished, and the brick and the blanket thought they’d better to drink elsewhere. * A brick in a...

I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.

A friend of Diagoras pointed out an expensive display of votive gifts and said, ‘You think the gods have no care for man? Why, you can see from all these votive pictures here how many...

Careers are not made in a family business, they are born – by patricide. Then they die from neglect, and avoid the tragedy of being put out of business.

A brick could be used as a substitute for the brother I never had. It seems ridiculous, but I’ve always wanted a brother who was smarter than the average politician.

An old man with overalls walked by; I don’t think old people should wear overalls; it makes them look like shrivelly toddlers.

A brick could be modified to be a cell phone, for construction workers who miss the easy to find cell phone size of the 1980s.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I can’t tell my ass from a hole in the ground. Especially if that hole is hairy and emits foul odors.

Every time you strip my sword, I owe you a kiss. How’s that sound?” I bit my lip to keep from giggling. “That sounds really dirty.” Patch waggled his brows. “Look whose mind just rolled...

I coiled my empty straw wrapper around like a snake. Then I bit it before it could bite me. My love is as dangerous as my drinking habits.

Finally, this being America, there is the constant possibility of murder.

Poison.” he said, deadpan. “That’s an unusual name to give your child. You must love her very much.”She’s a treasure.” Bram agreed, blithely ignoing the sarcasm…..Then went a few dozen feet in silence, until they...

A poet or philosopher should have no fault to find with his age if it only permits him to do his work undisturbed in his own corner; nor with his fate if the corner granted...

Did I hurt you in the parking lot?””No, m’lady. I fell, so I could put a tracker on your car.”Great.

Once upon a time, fairy tales were AWESOME!

I had a dream about you. The Thursdays were back, and with them they brought hope. They were selling, and everybody was buying. I tried telling the people they shouldn’t buy, because if they just...

When someone gives you advice, just ask them to give it in writing and they will either keep mum or will run from there.

She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names.