I needed to say something. Something romantic! Something to sweep her off her feet.”You’re like a potato!” I shouted after her. “In a minefield.

I really didn’t write it with any intention of being published. If I’d known that was going to happen, I would have written something more sensible, because now I have to dress up as a...

Oi, stop looking at my nethers. Be a gentleman, look away. When a gal’s in a predicament you should ‘elp ‘er out

An intelligent man will use a book to settle an argument. Preferably a hardback with a thick spine, flat across the bridge of the nose.

How do you manage for money?’ I asked.I was given two simultaneous replies of ‘We get by’ from Ian and ‘Don’t ask’ from Neil. I favoured Ian’s reply because it had less-sinister connotations. ‘Don’t ask’...

The plain old Sam Vimes had fought back. He got rid of most of the plumes and the stupid tights, and ended up with a dress uniform that at least looked as though its owner...

A dwarf who can’t get the hang of metal? That must be pretty unique.””Pretty rare, sir. But I was quite good at alchemy..””Guild member?””Not any more, sir.””Oh? How did you leave the guild?””Through the roof,...

That is physically impossible,” Chubs groused. “He’d be–“”Actually,” Liam began, “Cole once did try to–What?””Oh, I’m sorry,” Chubs said, “apparently the middle of my sentence interrupted the beginning of yours. Do continue.

A few days earlier, Adriana and I had been browsing books at the local library. I happened to turn around and look at her…and that was it. The man who “loved to laugh” in Mary...

So what’s the problem?’‘No problem. There’s no problem. Don’t ever say what’s the problem, nthat’s the negative way of looking at things, you know like is the bottle half empty or half full, know what...

When I was in my early twenties I didn’t have a need to rub together, back when my life was a series of wants and whims. But recently I had felt overwhelmed by longings that...

The boldest of the three moved suddenly, grabbed Angua and pulled her upright. “We walk out of here unharmed or the girl gets it, all right?” he snarled.Someone sniggered.”I hope you’re not going to kill...

I shall fear not. According to the Testament of Mezerek, the fisherman Nonpo spent four days in the belly of a giant fish,” said Constable Visit.The thunder seemed particularly loud in the silence.”Washpot, are we...

He felt an appetite for once, one that it’d take more than a drink or two to satisfy. He strolled along for breakfast at Harga’s House of Ribs, the habit of years, and got another...

His name was Mr. Quan and he was the concierge, which explained the black suit and the lavender shirt but not the oversized bow tie in chrome-yellow silk. Perhaps nothing could.

These goddamn Jesus freaks! They’re multiplying like rats!

It is the quintessential story about perseverance but also about our humanness. We tend to regard ourselves as super-human, but the moment we detect a flaw we crash and lose confidence. We’d rather die than...

A turd placed in the snow will become hard and significantly less odorous than its warm weather counterpart. This doesn’t mean that it has ceased to be a turd.

There ain’t enough happens in soccer. It’s like watching twenty-two hair models kick a ball around for what seems like six months and then one of them falls over and the ball goes in the...

Vimes woke in damp and utter darkness with sand under his cheek. Some parts of his body reported for duty, others protested that they had a note from their mother.

Colon looked awkward, as if the bunched underwear of the past was tangling itself in the crotch of recollection.

‘Monsters are getting more uppity, too,’ said another. ‘I heard where this guy, he killed this monster in this lake, no problem, stuck its arm up over the door.’

I don’t suppose you’d want to go destroy some evil, would you? the voice said. I’m not really sure what that means, to be honest. I’ll just trust you to decide.

Moral,” said Vale.”That’s an interesting adjective to apply to ‘genocide’.

After a few minutes, Molly came partway up the short ladder to the bridge and stopped. “Do I need to ask permission to come up there or something?””Why would you?” I asked.She considered. “It’s what...

the birds and the bees”. How does that properly teach a kid about sex? You never see a pigeon railing adove or a honey bee sticking it to a bumble bee.

Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series

That was a dhlang!” he said. “An evil spirit! The peasants down in the valleys hang up charms against them! But I thought they were just a superstition!””No, they’re a substition,” said Susan. “I mean...

Inspirations sleet through the universe continuously. Their destination, as if they cared, is the right mind in the right place at the right time. They hit the right neuron, there’s a chain reaction, and a...

I stepped away from the car preparing my own smile because you catch more flies with honey than you do with shit.

One time he killed a man who had found out that he was nephew to Von Hindenburg and second cousin to the devil

We’re like superheroes!

All I had to say to anyone that doubted our love was, “Eat your knickers!”.

I’m sure the Bursar would not agree with those figures,” said the Senior Wrangler sourly.”That is so,’ said Ponder, “but I’m afraid that is because he regards the decimal point as a nuisance.

Her books on alchemy were marvellous objects, every page a work of the engraver’s art, but they nowhere contained instructions like “Be sure to open a window”. They did have instructions like “Adde Aqua Quirmis...

The Librarian swung on. It was slow progress, because there were things he wasn’t keen on meeting. Creatures evolved to fill every niche in the environment, and some of those in the dusty immensity of...

The weed-whacker dad was helping his kid whack weeds. Dad was blitzed to the eyeballs on beer, and the kid was waving the weed whacker around like he was Luke Skywalker. It wasn’t going to...

Yes. Because every family needs a laser for thier family jet.

Today for dessert, we have apple pie, blueberry pie and Ezekiel pie.

Unless you can start some worldwide crime wave, I haven’t the strength to defy him.

Where’s the elevator?” Mike asked, sheathing his weapon. Tallow felt a little better telling Mike there wasn’t an elevator and watching his face. But then Mike picked up the dolly, boxes and all, with one...

Legitimate First watched them go as they walked away. Sergeant Colon felt he was being measured up.”I’ve always wondered about his name,” said Nobby, turning and waving. “I mean…Legitimate?””Can’t blame a mother for being proud,...

Vimes awoke with a noseful of camel. There are far worse awakenings, but not as many as you might think.

The forest of Skund was indeed enchanted, which was nothing unusual on the Disc, and was also the only forest in the whole universe to be called — in the local language — Your Finger...

I’ve actually considered expanding the theory. I am now proposing to believe that God-or the universe, or time, or whatever you think controls all of this-is all really just a drunk monkey.

The camp fell silent, each group staring tensely at the other. Finally Marcus stepped forward. ”If you insist on going through me to get to him, it’s your call. But I warn you, I will...

Peabody may not have seen the man turn into a grizzly, but he was bright enough to know that Injun Joe was getting set to adjust another relative ass-to-ears ratio.

Always smile first thing in the morning.Might as well get it over with.

It would be like The Rock versus Seth Green. Now, tell me who he is

I thought you were all law-abiding? Oh, yes, sir. Very law-abiding. Just not very merciful.