I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it’s relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could...

If I went into the prosthetic limb business, I’d charge an arm and a leg.

I don’t drink coffee. Sorry, I don’t mean to burden you with my personal problems.

I’ve often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it’s the one right after the next to the last one.

When trying to find the words to tell her how much I loved her, I stumbled across the ingredients for grilled cheese sandwiches. That’s when I realized she was the melted cheese to my toast....

Conversations.” Of course, it’s all talk at this point.

When someone asks, Dogs or cats? I usually say, For what, dinner?

The US is at a point where just when the people imagine things can’t get any worse, they realize their imaginations weren’t big enough.

I’m divorced, in debt, and I can’t grow sideburns. Sometimes I get depressed, but then I think, It’s OK—I can still grow a mustache.

Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a time. And I try to change the world one bucket full of dirt...

I’ll wait until your mouth is full of food before I ask you a question. That’s just the kind of gentleman I am.

I heard Africa was having a drought, so I mailed them a bucket of tears. Hope that helps, fellas.

I like to spoon after I fork.

My tears are salty. I shouldn’t eat potato chips while drinking my Cry Water, because it only makes me thirstier for your love.

Hey, man, I hope you brought marshmallows.

I have no brothers or sisters, so I get all my sibling love. But since I can’t take what’s already mine, I end up giving it all to my cat.

Good things come to those who ate. And I’m stuffed. Like a teddy bear. That might be why I’m the World Cuddling Champion.

Rain, it always reminds me of water. And you know how much I love things that remind me of other things. Say, that reminds me…

Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?

I’d like to open a restaurant. Would you eat at a place called Filthy’s? The name would be better than the food, which in turn would be better than the service.

I love the newspaper. I love reading fiction.

When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened.

I loved her like meatloaf. Our love was the kind covered in ketchup—and not gravy.

We made love like Mondays on the moon at noon. I was her Neil Armstrong, and she was my midnight.

I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, “Family Size,” and I thought, That’s odd, I didn’t know too many families showered together.

The older I get, the more I’ve got going for me. Each yesterday is a new me I’ve got working for my collective experience, like an army of clones.

To every party, I bring my own booze. No need to help me carry it, as I walk in with it already in my bloodstream.

With faith the size of a mustard seed, you can indeed move a mountain, but you can hardly be expected to garnish your sandwich.

Language is visibly invisible, and a foreign language is camouflaged. In another language, I love you may appear like common tree bark.

The party was dry, she was wet, and the sky was in the middle (cloudy, but no rain). Love was in the air, and that’s why I brought an umbrella.

When I dance, I’m so fluid you could drink my moves. And if you sip it with your morning coffee, you’ll be light on your feet all day.

Dream nonsense: Character: Hey, how are you? Me: I’m tired. I mean, this is a dream, so I must be, right?

I value your friendship. I value it at one billion dollars. We should sell it.

She could be the love of my life, and I just met her. I’m 31 years old. She’s late.

Are you tired, irritable, or suffering rom heartburn? Ask your doctor if my love is right for you. 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 9 out of 10 is 90%.

If it is what it isn’t, it must be love. And I must be in it.

There’s someone for everyone. And when my clones get here, everyone will be able to have that someone. Prices start at $99.

I found a bra in a bar. Guess when? Anagram Night! It’s the one day of the year that’s truly for lovers. It’s also for a solver.

There’s more salt in the ocean than in one bag of chips. Let this be a lesson in love.

A brick could be used like a simile, and I’d like it. But not as much as I’d like it if you used a blanket instead. But don’t use the blanket that’s on my bed,...

Love is a combination of understanding and misunderstanding. I’m understanding of your flaws, and I’m misunderstanding why you don’t try to be perfect, like I am.

Blankets could be used to identify liars and thieves, if lawmakers passed laws stating that lawmakers were required by law to wear blankets out in public.

I am the ghost in the empty jar. My silence belongs in the cemetery, just like all my ex girlfriends. Long live love!

The French Revolution was the best thing to ever happen inside a croissant the shape of the Fertile Crescent, with a flaky crust like a politician with dandruff.” Of course, when Orafoura told me this...

With six pieces of wood, I’m building a life, and my coffin.

His thin accusation hung thick in the air like fog smoking a cigarette.

My hobbies include rubbing my nipples across a cheese grater, meeting cat ladies on Tinder, and voting for either Democrat or Republican every four years. You could say I am a torture enthusiast.

Wisdom equals knowledge plus courage. You have to not only know what to do and when to do it, but you have to also be brave enough to follow through.

A can’t in a can—it’s carbonated failure that’s ready to drink. It tastes like the back half of love.

Would it make you more comfortable if I wore a condom while I shook your hand? I could wear it on my penis, or stretch it over my hand. I don’t know these things. I’m...