With one blanket, you and I could wrap up like a burrito. Yum. And if you want melted cheese, just fart a bit.

Buy one I love you for $3.99. Buy twelve for $48.00. That’s a savings of twelve cents—directly into my bank account. WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD—Objects not intended for individuals who tend to put forever objects in...

We had a blast at my magical birthday party. There were midgets, fairies, glass slippers, and I actually got to ride in a pumpkin.

A brick could be used as a musical instrument. It doesn’t matter how bad it sounds, because I’ll be the band’s lead singer, and my sexy voice is like melted butter on a corn on...

I want to make enough money to buy an island. Something modest, like Australia.

I’m always the last in love by exactly one person.

A blanket, when taken to the top of a mountain and laid flat, could be painted orange and used as a landing pad for when the aliens come to earth to save humanity. The only...

I wore a hat, to compensate for the fact that my pants were unzipped. When we made love, she asked if I brought a condom, so I showed her my tube socks. I brought two,...

My name is Davis Davis. And don’t call me Mr. Davis! How would you like it if I called you Mr. Archibald, or whatever your first name is?

A clone’s most valuable function would be as a gift giver, because who else but you knows exactly what you want? Only your clone. And besides being the perfect gift, it’d also be a surprise,...

For the sake of my loved ones, I don’t drink sake.

Today I’m in love. Today is Tuesday, though that’s not why I’m in love. I’m in love with Friday, and I actually fell in love yesterday.

A brick could be renamed something clever and cute, like President, and repackaged and resold to a solid base of sheep consumers every four years. The sheeple will never even notice that every new model...

We made love sweet and gentle, like strawberry jelly. Peanut butter makes me horny.

I want more sleep. It won’t happen, but I can dream, right?

A brick could be used to make the world safer for our children. Well, not our children, as I don’t actually have any kids—but certainly your children. Skeptical? A brick could better protect your children...

His haircut looked like a spinning Frisbee on his forehead, and that’s why I fell in love. Because his girlfriend got tired of stray dogs trying to catch his face, and she liked that I...

Help yourself to a bottle of wine. They’re all empty.

I use blankets like armor for cold.

The Eiffel Tower doesn’t look like a penis. My penis looks like the Eiffel Tower. What’s not to love about a Love Stick shaped like the symbol of the City of Love?

A dirty diaper doesn’t double as a dishrag, and a politician doesn’t double as a savior.

A brick could be used measure the volume of love in any given bathtub. But for the test to be accurate, I’m going to need you to disrobe and step down here. Don’t worry, I’m...

With math, I remember all of the words—and none of the numbers. I’m also like that with love.

Why take the stairs when someone else can take them for you? Love is like a flight of stairs—somebody’s going to take them, so I may as well be unselfish and take the elevator.

A blanket could be used in exciting medical advancements, curing everything from shivers to tonitrophobia.

If you can predict the future, you can change the past.

The Illiterates.” To easily identify fellow gang members, we all wore letterman jackets.

Governments are too stupid to understand that too much red tape does not bind a nation together—it tears it apart.

It’s a cliché to say that men think with their penises. But it’s a fact. And penises are notoriously stupid. My penis, for example, probably only has an IQ of 144, or about 12 times...

Should I go up one flight of stairs and then come back down, or should I go down one flight of stairs and then come back up? Same destination, same distance, same amount of work,...

I drink coffee like a civilized man—alone in a cave, wearing a loincloth, and grunting in frustration because my club is too thick to fit in my cup to stir in the sugar.

In the middle I want to be at the end, at the end I want to be in the beginning, and in the beginning I want to be in bed.

I network like a Spanish Inquisitor. I am very good at extracting relevant information. And if you resist, you’ll only confirm your heresy.

Don’t” on my To Do list.

I love work. Well, I love being a passive spectator, rather than an active participant.

My voice is raspy like raspberries. Can you taste what I’m saying?

If my love could be represented by a blur, it would be the beating of a hummingbird’s wings. Did you know that my love is the only love that can fly backwards?

Those responsible for our economic depression have been found irresponsible. The irresponsible are responsible!

We were young(ish) when we first fell in love. I was however old I am now minus the number of years it has been since that first day.

Dialogue between two characters, each of them different forms of karate, might be a bit choppy.

I saw myself in a piece of glass that wasn’t a mirror. Was that my doppelganger or my clone? Who was that? Who am I? Maybe if I hadn’t been acting like a reverse Peeping...

America is not a place. America is an idea that died along with my grandfather. And I’m sorry to say that I shot them both.

I wash my hands in the blood of grapefruit. Come, drink with me.

On the subject of how to make friends, I would give you some tips, but I just don’t have any. Oh, I have plenty of tips, but I don’t have any friends.

I called to tell her I loved her, which was smart, because if I’d have done it in person, I’d have caught her with another man. I don’t care if he was my clone, it...

I’m a one-man show. I need to start a band. You wanna join? Too bad! What about one-man band don’t you understand?

I want to create a cologne that smells like a whisper. It’ll be for all the secret admirers out there.

I’m on the west coast. I am Lewis and Clark. I am Lewis Clark. Like the time I got a Denver Omelet in Dallas with a girl named Charlotte Washington.

After being videotaped, I found that I talk a lot with my hands. Especially if my hands are covered with socks. I guess I get really nervous on first dates.

The growth of my business was amazing. Unfortunately, it grew like a tumor and not like a tree. I really needed to branch out and start networking more. Unless you are a pile of cat...