No matter how hard you try looking for love, Orafoura once told me, the last place you’ll find it is in another man’s ass. But that may not be true, because the last time I...

A brick could be used to enslave humanity. No wait, a brick can’t do that—but the Masons can.

I’m a designer. I’m trying to design a half a person, but I’m looking for a business partner, a female who’ll contribute the other 50% to the design and make it not only complete, but...

He lies on the couch all day watching television. I admire his classic American ambition. He’s probably a better lover than me.

I’m the kind of guy who turns my fan on in winter, only to then go and add another blanket on top of my bed. I practice inefficiency even while I sleep, so I’ll be...

I made love to a woman on a boat once. It was still on the showroom floor, but the way I rocked it made it feel like the ocean. Ah, but that’s life, no?

Are you handing me an empty wine glass? You’re so thoughtful. How’d you know I wasn’t in the mood to drink?

A brick could be licked, like a cat’s asshole. But obviously inversed, because your tongue is soft and the brick is rough.

To let her imagine how great a lover I’d be, I ate soup with chopsticks. She went home with another man, but I’ll bet she fantasized about me.

I had a dream about you. You were talking on the phone like it was a banana, and my body was cramping up due to low potassium levels. I tried waving at you to get...

A blanket could be used to communicate with dolphins. Be quiet! I’m trying to talk to the swimming mammals.

I am mad in love like fire, and I speak sushi after a night of fingernail sandwiches. Last night’s sex was so scratchy that this morning my throat is sore.

Can you be in love with more than one person and only one person at the same time? Yes, if you’re in love with two clones.

I shit bricks, because I’m a constructive pooper.

Meatloaf is graphable in how far ahead it is in likeability categories. You can also play Mop the Floor with it. I make love like I make dinner that makes cleaning the kitchen more fun...

Economist should be spelled echonomist, because they all repeat each other.

A brick could used to translate and transform long cuneiform texts into shorter tweets. Sure, just take the brick and smash the clay tablets, and each broken fragment should be roughly 140 characters.

I had a dream about you. I walked by and you whistled like I was a piece of meat. And I was a piece of meat—I was a thin slice of ham. You were two...

I’m an organic kind of guy. To paraphrase Fight Club, The food you eat, ends up eating you. It’s true! Just think of all the chemicals found in modern foods. Take bleach, for instance. There’s...

I was once attacked by a Federal park. But due to governmental inefficiencies, I had to report it to highway patrol.

Decaffeinated coffee is like orgasmless sex. I guess I’ll take some, if you know anyone who’s offering.

I Google myself to find out who I am as a person.

Our love was full of passion that only youth can provide. When she left me, I was heartbroken. But it was inevitable. Kindergarten was just around the corner, and we were both going to different...

I can make love for hours, give or take 117 minutes.

If I could convert my love into clay, and then shape it, I wonder if Agatha would expect a Rodin or a Branscusi. In reality it would be neither, as my love sculpture would look...

Quick! Hide under my 3:33 am, but don’t pet my 3:33 pm.

I drive by the spot of my injury, because each time I do, the pain lessens, and it teaches me a lesson.

Love like you owe nothing, and pay in full.

I’d rate myself five stars, and those stars would all be fish. My review was of how well I walked on the beach.

Dad.” (By the way, Bob is NOT my dad).

Schrödinger’s cat was a Siamese cat, must have been, because if it’s at once alive and dead, it’s a zombie, and the only zombie cats are Siamese cats.

I am the Secretary of Secrecy. I’ve got filing cabinets and safes full of Shh! That’s also where I store all my love for you.

What if guns shot clouds, rather than bullets? Then they’d not only be peaceful, but they’d be delayed water guns. Is there a Nobel Farm Prize?

I won’t bring you a single rose to be romantic, but I will point out that our relationship itself is the rose, and it’s our goal to see that it blossoms.

Success breeds slackery. And I breed in the backery of the bakery.

My skyscraper of a heart met an earthquake of a woman. Why can’t I meet a simple window washer? My love is a hundred stories tall—and I wrote every single one of those stories.

Tomorrow’s Pancake Friday, despite the fact that it’s Monday, and I don’t eat breakfast.

I’m covered in fish hair! I have a dwarf shaped like a suitcase that I carry everywhere. Women tell me I love too deeply. Wrong! I love too widely.

Whiskey burns—my throat, not a forest. Love burns—my heart, not a forest. As for the forest, it burnt itself. At least that’s what I told the police during their interrogation.

The cucumber is just about the healthiest sex toy ever.

She grew broccoli, and I grew dentures. We were perfect for each other. Our love disappeared into each other like a box of toothpicks.

I’m world famous. Throughout the globe—north, south, east, and west—there are literally four people who know my name. It’s great to have all four grandparents still living, and widely dispersed around the world.

I’ll be 30 in April. My birthday is March 5th.

Half man, half tree, I have patience—and leaves. Forest fires make me sweat. Let’s go for a walk. You’ll have to push me in a wheelbarrow.

You’re adopted” smile.

If someone says you’re not right for them, they’re lying. What they’re really trying to tell you is they want you to stalk them and show them how committed you really are.

I put a bowling ball in a football helmet, because safety first. I got a score the bowling alley had never seen before. The didn’t see it because it was an invisible 0.

I’ll mark up my services 200%, and then offer them to you at a 50% discount—because I like you so much. That’s the Mother-in-law Discount.

Through the window yesterday I saw a fool talking to himself, and it made me laugh, until I realized it was a mirrored window.

He’s as tall as a tree, but he fights like a rose bush. What’s with all the scratching? I should cut him down in the name of romance.