It’s not true that selling stolen goods has no overhead. Prison’s got a ceiling.

Jacksonville’s unofficial moniker is “The Latex Capital of the Universe.” But we don’t wear condoms—we wear rubber gloves. We have the safest handshakes in the world.

A brick could be covered in black fur, cradled, pet, and called Mr. Fizzlebush. The best part is that since it’ll sit still and silent on the bed, it won’t meow or run away when...

Some guys are the type of people who bring brass knuckles to a fight. I’ve always thought it prudent to bring some running shoes.

M.

A brick could be used to deny you your dreams. And a blanket could be used as a gateway to all your dreams.

I am the Love Ventriloquist. And if you say I’m not, I’ll say it so it sounds like you said I am.

I have a rating system I apply to all people. Mao Zedong might have a Meow Factor of four, but I like to keep my Meow Factor as close to zero as I can. This...

A blanket could be used like a trumpet could be used as a murder weapon. And if the cops ask you what I was doing on the night of June 6th, tell them I was...

I blew the love trumpet until my cheeks were blue. Then I paid 34 bucks for a taxicab ride home so I could admire my receding hairline in the mirror.

A blanket could be used as a distraction. Wave it to the right, while you loot to the left.

I spend all my time trying to capture the moment. And when I do, I’ll interrogate and torture it.

Or maybe nobody can fill that special place in her heart because I was nobody. And the only thing that fills a hole is a hole. And dirt.

A football could be swapped out for a brick, to make family reunion football games more fun. But I’m calling it right now: I get to be quarterback.

I made a graph of my emotions, a chart, and when I looked it over I was amazed to notice that the day Agatha broke up with me looked identical to the stock market crash...

My heart only grows more powerful the more my flowing love goes unabsorbed, unobserved, and unappreciated.

I can hardly be expected to think like Santa. I get three times the letters, I poop burritos, and my penis is two reindeers more plentiful.

When Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow meet, only Today gets to shake hands twice. That makes Today twice as important as the other two. But it also means that Today must be careful, because who knows...

Love is like a river flowing through your heart. I’ll bring the boat, if you bring the bridge.

Of all the things I own, I’m most sentimental about my shoes, because they’ve traveled with me every step of my journey.

Will you folks excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom and vomit now. Gotta keep the weight off somehow. Plus, your cooking is terrible.

I think I just inhaled a cloud shaped like the ghost of my grandpa, and all I have to say is grandma smelled better.

A brick could be used to block out the pain, if you use it to first inflict pain and carry it through to coma.

God gave man feet for which to walk. And crush grapes. Can I get you a glass of wine? It’s homemade, though it kind of smells funky.

My name is Monika Ora Moniker, but you can call me MOM. Or dad will do just fine.

A blanket could be used like the Romans used Greek gods. Still, if you want my honest opinion, I’d rather pray to cheddar cheese than to Zeus.

Politicians are people with easy answers for hard problems.

He tried drowning himself, but he only succeeded in taking a bath. That man was my dad, and I showed him how to tie a tie—and a noose.

A brick could be used to knock out the tooth of a giant, and then used as a replacement for that very tooth it knocked out. I’ll tell you what, you knock it out, and...

I know that man started animal husbandry thousands of years ago, and I think it’s disgusting. Men and animals should never be allowed to marry. Or have sex. And maybe not even engage in necking,...

The day my dad left my mom and I was the second saddest day of my life. The saddest day was the next day, when he returned home.

I have to put up a wall to put up with him. Not an invisible, metaphoric emotional wall, but a wall made of bricks. Those bricks could be used to keep out his bullshit. Bricks...

Here’s something for you to hang your dreams on, pal.

Peanut butter and jelly is like the older, more serious brother to egg salad sandwich. I’m an only child, so I eat both with incredible sadness.

Every time I see my cat licking its asshole I think about my ex wife. But that’s how nostalgia works, right? We only remember the best of the available memories.

I don’t understand people who don’t like meatloaf. Your mom doesn’t make it like Michael Aday does.

Do I own my soul, or would two of my clones?

I had a dream about you. The sun was setting on our relationship like the sun was rising over the ocean. It was so beautiful, with all the pinks and soft blues.

Twitter—up to the minute minute details.

I wish I could sculpt my shadow into my night clone, and it could be out earning me money while I slept, instead of being folded up neatly in my underwear drawer like it is...

Blood is like water, to a vampire. And coffee is like blood, to a tired mosquito. And my love is like an itch—and a scratch.

The only way I’ll play beer pong is if the room was a sterile room, the table was stainless steel sprayed down with disinfectant, the ball brand new, and everybody playing wore gloves and hairnets...

I didn’t have time to bury the money. All my precious time was taken up burying the body. I should have left the body and hid the cash. Damn! Now I’ve got no body, but...

My love is like hooray! Special terms and conditions may apply. See dealer for details. Coupon not valid with any other offer.

I remember the second time I took Agatha out. I wanted to go to Dairy Queen, and she wanted to go to Burger King. In the end we settled for wieners and clams at Johnny...

Buy one I love you for $3.99. Buy twelve for $48.00. That’s a savings of twelve cents—directly into my bank account. WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD—Objects not intended for individuals who tend to put forever objects in...

The Nile is famous for overflowing like my love. How fertile is your valley?

A blanket would be a great surface to print my new book on, so you could read it in bed while you’re having boring, obligatory sex with your spouse, who’s as dry and exciting as...

I want to make enough money to buy an island. Something modest, like Australia.

Put the number seven in front of a mirror and what do you have? If you answered 77, then perhaps you talk to yourself in the mirror, and wait for a response from your reflection....