Gregor’s serious wound, from which he suffered for over a month – the apple remained imbedded in his flesh as a visible souvenir since no one dared to remove it – seemed to have reminded...

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

I love to feel the temperature drop and the wind increase just before a thunderstorm. Then I climb in bed with the thunder.

A haunted house could be used like a Band-Aid to stop a bleeding brick. But why stop the bleeding? Stab it a few more times and then sell tickets to the spectacle.

A blanket could be used to sell your winningest product to your loserest customer. Oh, loserest is a word. I know, because I just wrote it.

A blanket could be used like so many poor people get used and then thrown away like a sack of baloney that’s started to turn green. It’s sad really, when you consider all the sandwiches...

I make love like a brick could be used as toilet paper. Sure, it’s rough, but I thought you liked that shit.

My routine is comforting, like a comforter. But a blanket could easily be used to replace my routine, because a comforter is a blanket.

A blanket could be used to draw a map on—a treasure map, and not something Google has knowledge of. Want to know what’s under the X? My erection.

A brick could be used as a spoon—to eat, not cuddle. OK fine, you can use it to cuddle too.

Bricks could be used to pad the pockets of crooked politicians. Why stuff their greedy pockets with cash, when we could load them up with bricks and find out how good of swimmers they are?

A brick is a fraction of a building, and a brick is like a building—if you’re like an ant.

Four bricks could be affixed under a skateboard and used as really inefficient wheels. Ha! Let’s see Tony Hawk do tricks on that board. Actually, he probably could.

Bricks could be used to feed the homeless. But why not use those bricks to build the homeless people homes? Oh yeah, because that’s not the sort of smart decision DC makes.

Brick and Blanket could be the names of two characters in a screenplay full of witty dialogue like: Brick: Hello! Blanket: Hi! Brick: How are you? Blanket: Good. You? Brick: Good.

It’s so windy tonight the window is rattling. I guess it’s time to turn off my fan and turn on my anti-hurricane machine that’s powered by love.

Before you criticize my cardboard-free virtual product, I want you to know you’ve saved a dollar! Check the back of the box for details.

I make furniture that can be used as weapons. The most dangerous piece of furniture is the Loveseat.

A blanket could be used as a duvet, in the fight against elitism.

A brick is what I’m voting for for President. And guess what? If you’re voting for a Republican or Democrat, so are you.

A blanket could be used to cover up your infidelity. Either use the blanket to hide your cheating ways, or figure out how to fornicate with all your clothes on.

A brick could be shoved in your buttocks. You know, for your enjoyment.

I live 30 times faster and more intensely than most people, so every year is a whole generation for me. I’d like my combo meal with a side of long white beard, and I’d like...

A brick could be flipped over and turned endlessly. But it still won’t start your car.

The Builders are building with you in mind, dear citizen, so don’t worry your tiny mind about whether the bricks they are using are going to construct schools or prisons. They won’t tell, and you...

Uma nêsperaestava na camadeitadamuito caladaa vero que aconteciachegou a Velhae disseolha uma nêsperae zás comeu-aé o que aconteceàs nêsperasque ficam deitadascaladasa esperaro que acontece.

…his knees were held together by the skin-tight trousers, which consequently narrowed the aperture through which great quantities of malodorous, rancid dreck were shortly to emerge with great force. St John knew that this was...

Atomize and refigure the word.

A brick could be used to better improve relations with your relatives. But if you’re going to play quarterback, you’d better be ready to play receiver.

A blanket could be used as a smothering agent, sort of like an employee of the NSA.

A brick could be slid on a wood floor, like a rolling bowling ball, in an attempt to fill the seconds between swallows of beer.

A brick is slow, when it’s lying on the floor. But fast when just thrown.

A blanket could be used to put the war in warm. Just paint the blanket like an American flag, and then try to convince the world that they are cold and need us to stop...

A brick could be used as a device to deliver bad news. Sometimes it’s better to be blunt.

A blanket could be used as a sail for my self-esteem when I’m floating upstream on the turbulent river of my subconscious. Some of my thoughts can be quite windy, gusts with gusto, like a...

A brick could be used as a deodorant deterrent. Just ask any stinky Congressman.

A brick could be used to make music. But why not use something more humane, like your armpit.

I’ve got you covered. Just don’t hog all the blanket.

A blanket could be used to wipe away my tears. But it’d better be a blanket the size of America, because I’ve been crying since Andrew Jackson died.

A brick could be placed down on the first step on the path to enlightenment.

I turned on my faucet, and out slithered a clear garden snake. It was too cold to shave with, so I grew out a beard and patch of broccoli. Sometimes my love is liquid, and...

She asked me if I had a light. I asked her if she was a wizard. She said no, so I felt safe in pulling out my pocket dragon.

My face is pizza-shaped, and my acne in high school was like pepperoni. Thank God it was carry out and not delivery.

A blanket can be wrapped around one’s head and used as a helmet. It’s particularly appropriate if you wear your blanket helmet during a pillow fight with me, because unbeknownst to you, I’ll have a...

A blanket could be used at the end of meetings, to wrap things up—sort of like a big office burrito of productivity.

A blanket could be considered part of performance art, if you’re inconsiderate and steal all the covers while we’re asleep—and film me shivering and twitching in the night.

I had a dream about you. I was a melted ice-cream repairman, and you had a microwave for a head. You made fun of my trade, so I made you eat tinfoil until your head...

Quiet night. Silence at full capacity. Noiselessness is spilling over like a coffee cup full of jock cock. In a contact sport I’ve got to protect my genitals.

A blanket could be used to offset things likely to set you off. When you start to get hot, just wrap yourself in a warm blanket until you’re comforted and you cool down.

A brick could be used to start a civil war. And then that same brick could be used to start building the country up again after everything is destroyed.