Gregor’s serious wound, from which he suffered for over a month – the apple remained imbedded in his flesh as a visible souvenir since no one dared to remove it – seemed to have reminded...

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

A brick could be traded for a soon-to-be abandoned baby. Let’s build a better future together.

A blanket could be used to say hello to all the goodbyes I was too blind to hear. I’m hungry for a bowl full of mute, but my favorite restaurant is out of the Helen...

A blanket could be used to express my condolences. I’m sorry to have to tell you I’m sorry, but that’s life, you know?

A blanket could be used to swallow up the nightmares you used to have as a kid. Whatever happened to those bad dreams? I’ll bet your mom gave them to Good Will.

A blanket could be used as wrapping paper, to give the gift of a cat.

A blanket could be used to keep you warm on a cold night. Just pour some gasoline on it and light it on fire.

A blanket is a shield, blocking out the breeze, and an insulator, keeping in body heat.

A brick could be used to direct traffic. Use a brick from the scene of the accident, where some driver ran into a brick wall.

A brick could be used as a cock block.

A brick could be used like the point where always meets never. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to watch a brick levitate?

Caveat Emptor.”

A brick could be used like a Viking skull holds soup. If you bring a spoon, I can quench your thirst—and your hunger.

A blanket could be used as a tablecloth, and a brick left as a tip.

Squeeze out the competition—with hugs. I’m giving out FREE hugs while samples last. After that I’ll have to charge an arm and a leg—or maybe just two arms.

I love the sound of the trees in the breeze. If the forest is so clearly musical, why can’t it play the guitar while I sing Nirvana covers?

Love is a green sky on a blue pasture, and I am the flying cow eating it all up.

A blanket could be used to suppress yawns. Just curl up in the technological wonder that is a blanket, lay your head back, and let the miracle of science cure your yawns.

A brick could be used to smash my bottled up rage, and a blanket could be laid down beforehand to catch the shards.

A brick should decide who gets to rule the people, and I should decide what rules determine whom the brick favors.

Coin a new word and hear it jingle in your pocket with all your other change. My love for you is sofacouchsitsitting, so you’d better buckle up.

Sleeping in a tinfoil suit keeps me warmer and helps prepare me for my voyage to the moon. Would you care for some licorice?

A blanket could be used to stop a train. Another good thing to use would be brakes. I’ll sell you a set of train breaks for the price of a warm night’s sleep.

A brick could be used to test how fast you throw a baseball, if, you know, baseballs were cube-shaped and integral to the construction of houses.

What have you got in there you little bastard?

A brick could be used to float a good idea at work—especially if it’s a good idea that would be bad for you personally.

A blanket could be used to aid a waiter with bringing out a large order of beer. Those customers can drape themselves in soggy drunkenness.

A brick could be used to crush the dreams of the little guy. Especially if that little guy’s dreams are roach like and scurrying across the kitchen floor.

A brick could be crushed, mixed with water, and drunk like a sports drink. And hey, with no bromated vegetable oil, it’s healthier than Gatorade.

Stop” as you hold out a stiff arm and just stand there. It might feel like you’re waiting your whole life for that train to stop, and quite possibly you will wait your whole life...

A flag could be used as a blanket, but a blanket couldn’t be used as a flag. A blanket provides real warmth, not the pseudo warmth that patriotism provides. A blanket-flag would leave you shivering—not...

A blanket could be used to study the stars more thoroughly. I don’t know how exactly, because I’m not Stephen Hawking. Somebody get me a wheelchair.

A brick could be your new best friend. If this appeals to you, it’s probably because people tend to seek the company of others who posses similar intellects and interests. And as I have just...

A brick could be used to satisfy your hunger—and satisfy my curiosity.

A brick could be used to show how patient you are. Somewhere between one brick and a million bricks lies a home. For me, my home is one brick, and I carry it with me...

A brick could be used as bait for the vampire shark. Since nobody’s ever seen a vampire shark, let alone caught one, I think it would be unreasonable to dismiss the idea entirely.

A brick has eight edges and six sides. That’s nearly as many sides as a politician takes when discussing a binary issue.

A brick represents a single unit, weak and useless alone, but useful and powerful when organized and grouped with other bricks. So it is with man.

He’s as tall as a tree, but he fights like a rose bush. What’s with all the scratching? I should cut him down in the name of romance.

I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it’ll be so long, I’ll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it.

A blanket would be a great surface to print my new book on, so you could read it in bed while you’re having boring, obligatory sex with your spouse, who’s as dry and exciting as...

A tailor walks into a lawyer, and the bar says, “I like your suit.” And the tailor replies, “This morning I spotted a non-sequitur detective. Don’t worry, he didn’t follow me.

A brick could be used as a substitute for the brother I never had. It seems ridiculous, but I’ve always wanted a brother who was smarter than the average politician.

A brick could be used for good, or for evil. The Brick of Creation, or the Brick of Destruction. While you’re deep in thought, contemplating which one you’d rather use, I’ll be over there looting...

All the Debbies in the world are too big to be little. Makes me wish I were just two inches taller, you know? I blame my dad—or the mailman. Not sure yet. I get the...

Bricks could be used to promote social progress. If we could amass enough bricks to build a prison big enough to cage every citizen, then everybody would be equal. And I think our current political...

A blanket could be used to make magical music. And no, I’m not talking about sex and wailing orgasms, you pervert. That’s my sister you’re thinking about. And it’s particularly disgusting and disturbing because I...

Walking out of the office, her nervous fingers made an ear out of the tissue in her pocket – luckily the thin sheets wouldn’t hold the shape, and unfurled as she threw it on the...

There was Arctic John, a businessman from Salisbury who doesn’t hold water, Bruce Knott, a social worker from Cumberland who spends his lunch hour picking his bum, and Judith Glycerine, the reformation pig.