The other day I woke up to find my girlfriend already gone from the house, and a sticky note on the fridge that said, “I love you.” “Oh my God,” I thought. “Somebody’s obsessed with...

I’ve eaten cat food before. Of course, the menu listed it as “Chicken Lo Mein.

I like my water on the rocks, and I like those rocks to be in a mountain stream. That’s how I like my coffee too, fresh from a glass of whiskey.

I’ve got a way with love. Away with love.

If love had its limits, and those limits tasted like lasagna, could you see yourself dating a can of chicken noodle soup? I only ask because I’m in the mood to spoon. After all, I...

I always wear an oven mitt when I go in for a handshake, because I like to give visual hints about what kind of lover I’d make. I don’t use a cup to drink coffee—I...

I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today,...

I’ll use your chicken burrito as a crayon. I’ll draw what love looks like, if you promise not to eat it.

My writing doesn’t improve if you think it’s great, and it doesn’t lessen if you think it sucks. Likewise, you not showing me love doesn’t mean mine for you has to be invisible. The two...

Cats like to cuddle more than any other living creature, including zombies, which are only half dead.

I ate leftover karate chops, before they could smash through the Styrofoam container holding them.

The middle finger is a great body language tool for letting people know you’re upset. Poetry isn’t quite as effective in a fit of road rage.

I killed a flea this morning. I may have been a bit overzealous, because I accidentally killed the cat too.

Her smile energizes me as the sun photosynthesizes life. Our love grows daily.

I was in Love once. I think I stayed at a Holiday Inn. Or maybe I was in Loveland, Co. But either way it felt great to be so directionless and unaware of my surroundings...

Sometimes I wish Jim Morrison were still alive, because I’d love to see a concert in which “The Doors” opened up for “The Cars.

English isn’t my first language—gibberish is.

You don’t have to visit an asylum to see insanity. All you have to do is visit Washington DC.

When I describe love to an emotional Helen Keller, I usually say it has four legs, fur, and possesses the ability to either purr or meow.

My goal is to have the most and the best of what I desire. And since I desire clones, I have to be the best me first.

Why do firemen wear jackets? I wouldn’t think they’d get cold running around in burning buildings.

Love, you just know it when you feel it. I feel it now, and it’s furry and purring.

I want to share my thoughts with you. Press your forehead firmly against mine, and let my mind transfer to yours. You won’t receive love, because that’s a feeling, and best communicated with a kiss.

How’s my mom? My mother’s well, like a painting—a Motherwell.

People tell me I look like my father. I’ve never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible?

Something’s different about Mr. Different. The same can’t be said about Ms. Same. The two would make the best lovers, but that’s impossible, because I’m the best lover.

I like a man who pauses to reflect, while pausing in the mirror to reflect. I can imagine that such a man would look exactly like my clone.

Last year I built a Courage Machine, but I thought it might be noisy and was too afraid to turn it on. So I coated it with glue, covered it with cat hair, mounted it...

If somebody’s a jerk and says something nasty, be a bigger jerk and say something kind and walk away.

When I go to the bar, I never drink much. And to do that I avoid conversations, as silence reduces saliva and swallowing, which is drinking.

I make furniture that can be used as weapons. The most dangerous piece of furniture is the Loveseat.

Quiet night. Silence at full capacity. Noiselessness is spilling over like a coffee cup full of jock cock. In a contact sport I’ve got to protect my genitals.

I went to a wake, but I wasn’t awake. I was asleep, not dead.

I tried being 29, and it worked for about a year, but finally I just had to get rid of it.

My favorite snack is vagina. The only thing I hate is unwrapping all that saran wrap.

If love tasted like pork, and you were allergic to Francis Bacon, could I be your Shakespeare? We could make love on a pizza and make much ado about nothing, everything, anything, something.

Age is just a number. So is my area code.

It’s dark at night, yet people still drive. So I don’t see why people get so upset that I drive blindfolded during the day.

Can I get you a drink?” Both mustaches turned towards each other but said nothing, because they’d each left their mouth at home.

I love you” is because those three words represent 10% of the average man’s vocabulary.

I’m the sort of guy who will accept blame, if it means being singled out as honest and honorable, and there’s a chance I’ll be rewarded.

If someone is playing on my fear, the natural tendency for a person is to throw all their energy and focus into protecting that vulnerability. But I say if you’re playing on my fear to...

I called his broken promise heartbreaking, and he called it growing up. Oh, that’s mature—blame it on maturity.

Trying to resist my love is like trying to hold back a tsunami with a surfboard. My advice is to take up boogie boarding.

I’m productive. I make things. I make fun.

A blanket could make a good hood on a car, because it’s flat and warm and I don’t currently have a hood. Or a car.

A blanket could be used as a shield, in a fight with a cold shower. I know, because I won that battle this morning, only I wielded a sword—and an erection made of sleep.

Question for your life: If your face looked like your ass, and I’m not implying it doesn’t, would you consider invading Russia in the middle of winter wearing only shorts?

The first door in the hall leads to youth, the second door leads to middle age, and the third door leads to the bathroom. But knock first, because I think grandpa’s in there.

A blanket could be used like a cat, if it were furry and purred.