I’ve spent half my life searching for the truth. The left half of my life.

Conspiracy theorists like to claim NASA’s moon landing was faked. Well of course it was! But the biggest conspiracy of all is the Columbus landed in the new world in the late 15th century. There...

Palindromes—making life easier for dyslexics since, like, forever.

In a good economy, people work hard to succeed. In a bad economy, people work hard to not fail.

I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. Now, if only I could do the same with my shoelaces, I wouldn’t have to banana pudding my way to success.

Politician you out.

There is until there isn’t. That’s just the way it is. Until it isn’t.

fresh” chicken noodle soup through a 20-foot straw that runs from the basement up to the attic, where she found the soup.

Before you enter politics, I pray you lose your anal virginity to a unicorn.

I have been traveling for decades, and I’ve finally reached a conclusion: I still have much to learn.

A brick could be used to flavor your bathtub water, and raise the fluid level, so you perceive that you have more to drink.

I watch my feet as I walk along. Left, right, left, right, why is everything about politics?

The Sunshine State.

It’s disturbing to me that criminals are freely roaming the streets of our nation’s capital. I’m not talking about escaped prison inmates—I’m talking about politicians.

I used the boos, and not the booze, as motivation. That led to applause, which I drank up like an alcoholic. I need a refill.

When all the birds and all the fish join forces, the politicians will be forced to chew on and swallow their own slimy, wormlike words. But until the time that the sky and the sea...

You don’t happen to have any happiness, do you? Can I borrow a cup?

Don’t point your accusatory finger at me, unless you want me to wrap my hand around it, grip it tight, and jerk it off. That’s how a real politician defers blame.

I don’t have any inkling what to do with all the ink in this digital age. Maybe I’ll write a bunch of love letters to a dead author. Who moved my mayonnaise?

Let’s say you’re a politician. You’re still you, but you are an elected official. In other words, in this scenario, you get to keep your intelligence, integrity, loyalty, and honesty, whereas any other politician in...

People think coffee can be drunk with or without cream and sugar, but coffee can be drunk more ways than that. Coffee can be drunk awake or asleep, and coffee can be drunk by the...

I love Ocala. I also love anal sex with midgets. I mean I would, if I were an averagely perverted politician.

I wrote a zen koan once about love, but it didn’t make any sense. That’s how I knew I had accurately described love.

I sympathize with a mother who has three mouths to feed—especially if two of those mouths are on her face. With a woman like that I’d listen twice as hard for doublespeak. I’m pretty accustomed...

A great gift would be a map full of evacuation routes for the city, subtly telling the recipient to get the hell out of town.

That’s precisely why the majority of the population voted me into public office.

I got you a birthday present. The box is the exact same size as a coffin.

I could rant about political corruption until I’m blue in the face, but most people would just call me a Smurf and move on. My balls are also blue, but that is another subject, and...

Call me Bitter Otter. It’s just a nickname I gave myself. However, a better descriptive and more realistic name for myself would be Tangy Walrus.

I had a dream about you. It was just you and me at the table, and there were two pieces of apple pie available. You thought it worked out perfectly, but I thought it was...

I don’t want to step on anybody’s toes, particularly not mine. Especially not when I am dancing alone.

I miss the smell of clown in the morning. I need to be a volunteer on another political campaign.

None of us nine with the sixes. That’s the tragedy of love.

Jacksonville has more sex offenders than any city since Sodom. Or Gomorrah. Actually, I may be mistaken. I always confuse sex offender with politician.

It’s important that my socks match. I don’t want anything that distracts from my sock puppet show. Quiet, now! Show starts in ten seconds.

One woman is smirking, and another is averting her eyes with disinterest. It’s just like what happens when I bring up politics with strangers.

All my writing is translated from Gibberish directly into Nonsense. So if my writing offends you, then don’t blame me—blame the translator.

You could say my book is the best book ever (or worst book ever), and it wouldn’t make it any better (or worse) than it is. All art exists outside and beyond criticism.

I know a man who used to be a millionaire before 2007. Now he’s poor and mopping floors. But I’m not laughing, because at least he was able to get a job. Unlike me, who...

I’m a logician. No matter how wrong I am, I can always convince myself I am right.

I have bumper stickers for my website all over this city. Some are even on bumpers.

My birthday is coming up. I was born on March 5th, 1982. Humans have come a long way since then—nearly 30 years, if my math is good. And my math better be good, because if...

I’ll be there in a minute.

The Man With A Green Apple For A Nose.” This is not a joke.

Question for your life: If the man of your dreams existed in two dimensions only, would you try to print duplicates of him?

If I win her I’ll lose myself, but I’ll have gained more than I’ve lost. This is love.

I had a dream about you. We were debating the nature of love, and you said it was invisible, and I said it was the color of gold. You accused me of being a banker,...

The next best thing to making love to a mermaid, is having sex with a fish.

A blanket could be used to quell the rebellion. Wait until all the men are asleep before you kill them, rape them, and declare victory. Actually, it would be better to rape the men before...

I had a dream about you. You were sitting in a dentist’s chair, and I was cleaning your teeth. You wondered if I was a dentist, and I wondered why more people didn’t brush their...