When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?

Nothing mitigates the throes of depression like a steaming plate of spaghetti and meatballs with marinara sauce and grated parmasan cheese, with a good fresh bread to wipe up.

Bringing a pot plant to the office, I believe, is a sign of quite serious commitment.

And yet another moral occurs to me now: Make love when you can. It’s good for you.

I’m running from the very person I’m chasing, and this is how I know I’m in love.

I’ve felt alone, cold, and clothed in shame for too long. Let the sunlight be my blanket, wardrobe, and toilet paper.

Sex with the gorilla went on a bit, but once he’d stumbled over my clitoris we both had good times.

I am an artist you know … it is my right to be odd.

Have you ever noticed how good things go to those who hate?

I make love like I make lasagna. I just made some, so would you like seconds?

A man’s love for a woman is not defined by his availability in bed, but by every ingredient he adds to improve the taste of the relationship.

will be at noon.” I’d better write and mail all my love letters in my mannequin handwriting.

A real criminal mastermind isn’t known as a criminal mastermind, because how good can you be if you’re a known criminal? No, a real criminal mastermind is known by another name: politician.

Hexen stehen immer zwischen Birken

Feelings are like chemicals, the more you analyze them the worse they smell.

Don’t let your girlfriend cut your hair!

Self-doubt is a persuasive mistress; careful not to shag her or you’ll never get your balls back.” – Simon Hunt

is that Rike can’t make an omelet without wading thigh deep in the blood of chickens and wearing their entrails as a necklace.

Old habits die hard. Especially if those old habits involve murder and death.

If you think it’s bad now, my friend, wait till we reach a town!’ He shook his head and brushed at his tattered, dirty shirtsleeve. ‘Do try to remember we’re visitors-and not welcome ones-if you...

It seemed weird calling a teenager ‘sir’ but I’d learned to be careful with immortals. They tended to get offended easily. Then, they blew stuff up.

He was a gentle and sensitive soul, and therefore had a short temper, which is why he went straight after everything with an ax…

The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at...

Get out of your mind and become crazy about your future in a creative way!

There was fried chicken in the litter box, so I helped myself and took a shit. I am a cat lover and a fan of KFC. I always take mine to go.

I started out on a treadmill—and I just did my first marathon. And all while sitting in a wheelchair.

Frank stared at him. “Unfair? You can breathe underwater and blow up glaciers and summon freaking hurricanes-and it’s unfair that I can be an elephant?”Percy considered. “Okay. I guess you got a point. But the...

He was a writer and words were his weapons.

I am the bathtub of desire, but damnit woman, I saw you eyeing that swimming pool.

The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.

I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?

I watch my feet as I walk along. Left, right, left, right, why is everything about politics?

Stop!” Narcissus got to his feet. “This is not right! This person is obviously not awesome, so he must be…” He struggled for the right words. It had probably been a long time since he’d...

Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)” I thinks she’s going to break my heart” On arrival of the girl” The flannel is fine honey,but I have’nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!

Write your goals down on a sheet of paper. That way you can easily flip the page over and ignore them.

Everytime I read ‘Pride and Prejudice’ I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.

The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.

Love, it’ll make you feel better before it’ll make you feel worse. So it’s like inverse medicine.

She wondered if it was her stupid mother, the goddess of love, messing with her thoughts. If Piper started getting urges to read fashion magazines, she was going to have to find Aphrodite and smack...

She lived on the moon and was quite unattainable. I suppose he must’ve starved or pined away or fallen off the wall at some point.

A triangle has three points, just like the number of horns my ex had (she was 50% more evil than Satan).

Speak in French when you can’t think of the English for a thing–turn your toes out when you walk—And remember who you are!

Sometimes I wish I had been born with cat fur, whiskers, and a tail, though I guess I am grateful that at least I was born with my very own litter box.

Ah, the good ol’ days. I remember those days. That was before your time. It was before my time too, because I didn’t have a watch, and I hadn’t been born yet.

Everyone Deserves An Equal Footing.

Definition of rock journalism: People who can’t write, doing interviews with people who can’t think, in order to prepare articles for people who can’t read.

I never saw quite so wretched an example of what a sea-faring life can do: but to a degree, I know it is the same with them all; they are all knocked about, and exposed...

You should spend more time reading the Good Book and less reading all those novels. What are you going to tell the Lord on Judgement Day when He asks you why you didn’t read your...

Tell me the story,” said Fenchurch firmly. “You arrived at the station.””I was about twenty minutes early. I’d got the time of the train wrong.” “Get on with it.” Fenchurch laughed.”So I bought a newspaper,...

I make love like an albino sings—softly, and from sunset to sunrise (except in Alaska).