Only you can change yourself, no one else can.

I had to put away my toy so it didn’t get lost. After all, cats can’t read maps or ask for directions, and they don’t possess GPS.

Adrian had always found it amusing that a guy could be drilling Stacia up her ass while she considered herself to be a virgin. Her intent had been to present herself as such when she...

If I see a homeless person begging for change, I might give them money, if they’ve got change for a nickel.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

It’s not that there is more stupidity. It just has more intrusive ways of presenting itself. It used to be, you could be near an idiot and you wouldn’t know it. With today’s advances, that’s...

We made love like the three minutes between 3:32 and 3:34. My endurance is even worse than my math.

Librarians are notorious snitches—don’t let anybody convince you otherwise.

Graveyards were the one place Belladonna never saw ghosts.

I pray this new year will be greater, smooth and brings best aroma to our smelling, normal burning for toothpicks, blue colours for great celebration, unlimited joy from nw, then and beyound in JESUS name...

It has been our experience that American houses insist on very comprehensive editing; that English houses as a rule require little or none and are inclined to go along with the author’s script almost without...

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

The figures looked more or less human. And they were engaged in religion. You could tell by the knives (it’s not murder if you do it for a god).

Popular kids are just a powerful union of needy, insecure losers.

One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn’t have...

I believe in the power of love. Also, I like cats.

Do you think the Goblin King really did it?” asked Cordelia hesitantly. All the sheep knew she was talking about George’s death. Mopple quickly pulled up a tuft of grass.”Or Satan?” added Lane.”Nonsense,” Rameses snorted...

We made love like September swims in August. But that’s natural, because it’s too cold to go swimming in October.

Men are so easy to manipulate, poor things.

There were only three times in your life when it was proper to come through the front door, and you were carried every time.

My life was unbalanced. That is, until I found love and grew a second leg.

It’s better to burn out than fade away,” but these memories could be deceptive.

In fact, Lig never formally resigned his editorship—he merely left his office late one morning, and has never returned since. Though well over a century has now passed, many members of the Guide staff still...

I’m tough, I’m ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.

I made love to a woman 20 years older than me. The impressive part is that I was only eleven at the time. I saved my allowance for two years to be able to afford...

Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert.

Pride is all very well, but a sausage is a sausage.

Hungry and thirsty? Soup solves both problems at once. My love for you is starved and dehydrated, and all I need is one spoon.

Man, you should write a book.’‘I know. You couldn’t make this stuff up, could you?

An empty coffee cup is full of hope. Now there’s something worth voting for.

No.”Of course not. Because it would totally ruin his whole mysterious vibe. Can’t have that.

The difference between noon and midnight is the same as the separation between sex and masturbation. Sexually, you can find me at 6:00 sharp. Bring a condom and a glove—and don’t be late.

Ein Buch ist ein Spiegel wenn ein Affe hineinsieht so kann kein Apostel heraus gucken.

Well, Hell was worse, of course, by definition. But Crowley remembered what Heaven was like, and it had quite a few things in common with Hell. You couldn’t get a decent drink in either of...

Sometimes I feel like the tenth dentist in the 9 out of 10 dentists surveys.

Kira: L, do you knowGods of deathlove apples?L: Damn you, Kira…

Keep your wife happy by living in a slightly nicer house than your neighbor. And you can do this by living in a poorer neighborhood than you ever imagined.

Solutions sometimes present themselves after a reset.

If Twinkies grew on trees, as nature intended, then I would like to irrigate your fertile valley. When we make love, bring your own knitting equipment.

Oh well… I’d just been thinking, if you had died, you’d have been welcome to share my toilet.

Gossiping’s part of witchcraft,’ said Tiffany. ‘They’re checking to see if they’ve gone batty yet.

When the clock reads 3:00, I don’t call it three o’clock, I call it three hundred, and I remember the Spartans. At 3:01, however, I remember what I was doing at 2:59, and I get...

Women are sneaky.

I had a dream about you. The seasons changed, but you did not. You were the same old person you always were, only older. And I was the same old person I always was, only...

(On differences between men and boys) Men know what they want. Men make concrete plans. Men own alarm clocks. Men sleep on a mattress that isn’t on the floor. Men tip generously. Men buy new...

Life goal: Swim in a lake full of soup, and instead of bathing suits we’ll wear Ziploc bags while we make love like we’re feeding the homeless.

Do you pray for the senators, Dr. Hale?’ someone asked the chaplain. No, I look at the senators and I pray for the country.

The minute you stop caring about your business, is the same minute your business stops caring about you.

His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up.

Hiking is sort of like strip poker: by the end, all the participants are hot, sweaty, and nearly naked, and the winner is the person who wore the most layers.