Wrinkles don’t signify old age, they signify a lack of ironing skills or a dearth of hangers to hang clothes on.

Don’t you make fun of me or my children! Some babies are premature. Mine were all postmature. That’s why they’re so smart. Their brains had longer to develop.

You won’t ever catch me wearing an oven mitt, because what’s wrong with a regular condom? If I’m wearing an oven mitt, I’m too late, because you’ve already got one in the oven.

Because teachers, no matter how kind, no matter how friendly, are sadistic and evil to the core.

Handsome hero wanted.Brave in the face of certain danger.Must be willing to get naked with other species.At least six-inch penis required.Fee is negotiable.

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

My last two girlfriends both had the same name—and they looked similar. One looked older than the other, but they were in fact the same person.

I’m sorry. It’s just that you’re the last person in the world I’d ever imagine marrying again after ol’ Mr. Flaccid Flagpole.

I am a leg of the death tripod that will destroy our foes.

I’M SCOTTISH!

The wind helps me unwind. I make love like Don Quixote windmilled into history.

If a man can’t love you for who you are, he’s not worth The Dior Gloss.

I’ll stand by you. And by stand I mean cower in your shadow. It’s probably cold there, so I’m going to knit myself a warm cat sweater to wear.

Are you an idiot, or an idiot?’ Gargarin hissed.’The first one. I really resent being called the second.

Are you sure you weren’t adopted?””Mom would like to think so, but it was a natural birth, so her memory’s real clear.

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

A brick could be a politician, if you attached strings, taught it to dance, and allowed it to read a teleprompter. Remember: whether it’s Republican or Democrat, it’s still a brick, and it will do...

I love hearing my relations abused. It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all. Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven’t got the remotest knowledge of...

Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world.

Hi, you’ve reached Caitlin! I’m either on the other line or I’m purposely ignoring you. Or maybe Mrs. Mitchell confiscated my phone for texting in class again… Leave a message and if I deem you...

A lot of the world seems to repeat itself

A nose is ordinarily naked. A nose isn’t nipple, although there are similarities.

Wrap your hand in toilet paper before you meet someone. It’ll change how much people respect you.

A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest.

Those who seek the Truth are logically in the dark. Therefore, if I aspire to be anything in the world, it’s to be a lighthouse. And you, my midget sidekick, you can be my flashlight.

I’m forever near a stereo saying, ‘What the fuck is this garbage?’ And the answer is always the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

The temperature in the room seems to have gone up about ten degrees. My armpits are sweating and I notice myself vigorously massaging my left hand with my right hand. I am clenching my jaw...

It’s like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.

Aside from the fact that you’re not my son, and I’m not a woman, do you think I’m a good mother?

My asset looked more dead than alive – which, given that he was dead, lent the scene a certain credibility. – [context classified]

I had to hand it to him, leaving the empty glove lying on the bed was an apt metaphor for love. Two things I can say about my grandpa are that he is wise, and...

If you’re stuck in the past, you go forward in reverse

[Truman] didn’t want to fight the guy, whatever he was—alien, vampyr or douchebag.

Sorry to interrupt, guys, but what’s an information system?”Still, your mind will drift further, envisioning how much more tolerable this call would be if you could just slowly masturbate during it. So you do. You...

I’ll take a brick in a blanket, hold the ice.” What the bartender started, the Finnish guy finished, and the brick and the blanket thought they’d better to drink elsewhere. * A brick in a...

A key sociological factor underlying the prevalence of zombies as a theme in modern culture is that zombie movies are cheap as hell to make.

The Sunshine State.

Don’t be so hard on yourself….that’s what a loofah’s for

Rage is a big part of courage. So is cou.

All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket.

I’m thinking of moving my cloning factory to someplace less visible, like in front of a fogged mirror.

The USPS is the only place in the world where you will find a black guy, a white guy, and a hispanic guy playing Filipino poker! And we love it that way!

You’re like a tornado of bullshit right now. We’ll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else’s house.

My dad used to tell me that laughter was like a cough or a sneeze – the body’s way of trying to expel something. But instead of some phlegm in your throat, or some dust...

A photographer is like a cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity.

Mr. and Mrs. Foster are not my foster parents. Also, they’re not even married to each other. Mr. Foster is married to a different Mrs. Foster, and Mrs. Foster, the first Mrs. Foster, is married...

I hope to-morrow will be a fine day, Lane.It never is, sir.Lane, you’re a perfect pessimist.I do my best to give satisfaction, sir.

the only drinking problem I’ve ever had, is figuring out why I’m still stuck in this salad spinner

No,” I replied testily. “I’m pretty sure ‘digital’ is Latin for ‘fingeral,’ so finger cancer equals digital cancer. This is all basic anatomy, Dr. Roland.” The Dr. Roland told me that he thought I was...

A brick could be used to change the channel on a TV. Or at least turn it off—permanently.