I’m a year older than 365 days ago, and I’m having trouble bending my knees and my lower back is killing me. Everything reminds me of death. Especially bending over all day to steal the...

You look lousy,’ he said. Jace blinked. ‘Seems an odd time to start an insult contest, but if you insist, I could probably think up something good.”No I mean it. You don’t look good.”This is...

If you’re optimistic, think of it as bronze.

I want to write a song about one man’s level of commitment called, “I’d walk to the edge of the world, just to dump your body.

It is hard for one who has not had a similar experience to imagine the terror that still gripped Taeko and Mrs. Tamaki and Hiroshi, so intense a terror that afterwards it seemed almost funny.

A body is a body.” Viscarro shrugged his bony shoulders. “Dead, alive, alive, dead. I fail to see the importance of the distinction.”Yeah? So you’d just as soon fuck a living person as a dead...

Hi honey, I’m home! Take your pants off!” Wesley announced. He kissed my cheek as he passed me and put his lunch container in the sink.

Love is timeless, like a broken watch.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you originally asked for.

Jane’s stories are too sensible. Then Diana puts too much murders into hers. She says most of the time she doesn’t know what to do with the people so she kills them off to get...

If you were to ask me what kind of musical sound I aspire to produce, that noise would be a wet nipple sliding across a cheese grater. I’m a sucker for love songs.

Don’t care for her tongue, do you? How strange. I find it one of my favorite parts.Bones to Gregor

Life never goes according to plan. That’s okay, because often our plans are much smaller than life intends. Probably EASIER, but smaller.

Bah, Alzheimer’s. Grandma wouldn’t be so forgetful if she didn’t always have dick on her mind.

I would pull at my beard like a wise man, but I don’t have one—a beard (or a wise man). So instead I pull at my grandpa’s beard, as he purrs like a kitten.

He has fought many battles with us” (Jace) By which you mean one battle” muttered Simon. “Two if you count the one I was a rat

The male frog, in mating season,” said Crake, “makes as much noise as it can. The females are attracted to the male frog with the biggest, deepest voice because it suggests a more powerful frog,...

At the age of eight, John Quincy Adams was made the man of his house while his father, John Adams, was off doing important John Adams things for America. This would be a lot of...

And what if that news anchor is creepy? He’s too smooth, and he has that hairpiece.

You know, when the list of people who have a really good reason to want you dead covers more than two sheets of paper, you might want to start rethinking your life choices.

He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebearers, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.

I’ll be there in a minute.

I am very flattered. I have also become a verb as in “I have cumberbatched the UK audience” apparently. Who knows, by the end of the year I might become a swear word too! It’s...

Pearls are congealed oyster spit.

I have bread, water, and love—what more can a man ask for? How about pasta, wine, and sex.

Heroism doesn’t pay very well. I try to be cold-blooded and money-oriented, but I keep screwing it up.

I just thought it sounded good.

If you were running away from me, down a straight hallway with an oiled hardwood floor, and I had a machine gun and a pointy mustache, I still couldn’t hit you with a bowling ball....

I train for the winning moments, hoping all those seconds off the clock will lead to firsts. I train for seconds, that’s all—not even a cumulative minute—and that’s why I only ever earn seconds. Still,...

New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That’s right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives it to the poorer one…just like President Obama wants to do...

Everybody looked at Sully suspiciously. A rumor that he had burned up in the blaze had been circulating, and people had quickly adjusted to the idea of profound human tragedy. They were reluctant to give...

We made love like a slice of French toast trying to act like an English muffin.

I’m the Doctor; I’m worse than everybody’s aunt!

And then the other guy will look really sheepish, and mumble that, okay, maybe he tried to make a run for it, and maybe he took a drunken swing at the arresting officer, and maybe...

I’m into extreme sports. Well, just one—cuddling.

If anger were mileage, I’d be a very frequent flyer, right up there in First Class.

America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent.

Basically, all women are nurturers and healers, and all men are mental patients to varying degrees.

We made love like a John and a hooker, despite the fact that my name’s Jarod. Ah, but that’s life, no?

On the whole, we’re a murderous race. According to Genesis, it took as few as four people to make the planet too crowded to stand, and the first murder was a fratricide. Genesis says that...

When am I going to learn to stop questioning authority and just eat the Soylent Green?

Her and I, we have a two chairs and a table kind of love. You should pull up a feeling and have a seat.

Bon appétit.

And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it’s us against the world.

I believe that the door was unlocked.

Boats should be shaped more like shoes. Better for dancing. The only thing I’m better at than dancing is making love, and grandmas all over Memphis say they haven’t seen moves like mine since after...

Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something

I had a dream about you; you were a zombie in a post-apocalyptic world. I was the only human left, you tried to bite me and I said no. We became good friends.

Regret is good. It proves you have a conscience.

The cup was empty, but I didn’t drink it because nothing is impossible to drink. So instead, I drank nothing. Nothing is impossible to drink, except nothing.