A brick could be licked, like a cat’s asshole. But obviously inversed, because your tongue is soft and the brick is rough.

Will you folks excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom and vomit now. Gotta keep the weight off somehow. Plus, your cooking is terrible.

It’s difficult to see the glass ceiling because it’s made of glass. Virtually invisible. What we need is for more birds to fly above it and shit all over it, so we can see it...

I came from a disadvantaged home. They were Republicans.

I called security when I found out I’d lost my virginity, but after looking for it, they assured me nobody had turned it in. I’d better tell grandpa the bad news before he takes his...

And sometimes,” she added, in a slightly hushed tone, like she was letting me in on a secret, “if you don’t feel great on the inside, just look great on the outside, and after a...

I’m not trying to please anyone. I’m just trying to write a damn book.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Baby toys were left at my door. Either someone’s trying to get my attention, or I have the attention span of an infant.

Just eat some chex mix and have a glass of milk and you’ll be fine.

To make a current example, the world can find human interest in the death and the love affairs and the pallid addiction to cocaine of Mr. Sherlock Holmes.

Everyone should be comfy during the apocalypse.

Revenge is a dish best served in something microwaveable

After the group vet appointment–during which Lyle scratched the vet, the vet tech, and some poor woman minding her own business in the waiting room–we went back to Sabrina’s and re-released the cats to their...

We want Max to… breed. To produce heirs. Who will govern the world after she dies.”Dead silence for quite some time. We all stared at Dr. Hans, our jaws dropped to various levels. Our lives...

Why take the stairs when someone else can take them for you? Love is like a flight of stairs—somebody’s going to take them, so I may as well be unselfish and take the elevator.

1980’s: not a time period but a state of mind.

The following information is classified Third Eye Only.

Dolly,” because not only is the Everyman a sheep, but he’s also a clone. They all think alike and act alike.

If it’s the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator

I wondered if full-blooded vampires had something like blue balls for their fangs if they didn’t get to feed when they were expecting to. Like some kind of pseudo-sexual gingivitis.

A brick could be used as a flashlight. What, still dark? Check the batteries, because they may be dead.

In high school, I was convinced I had super powers. Well, just one really. I was sure I had the gift of invisibility. But nobody saw how super I was, because nobody saw me.

Remember the part about big and scary.

The rain in Ukraine falls mainly on the insane.

White people are drawn to farmer’s markets like moths to a flame. In fact, white people have such strong instincts that ifyou release a white person into a random Saturday morning they will return to...

A watched pot never boils…. but it does develop paranoia

The Universe has a great sense of humor and will often use it as a way to get our attention and reconnect us to our Divine Self.

And here’s something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren’t answered. What do you say? “Well, it’s God’s will.” “Thy Will Be Done.” Fine, but if it’s God’s will, and He’s going...

I want to be an actor. I’ve already started taking steps. Yesterday I applied to be a waiter.

Mental Note #50: The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, even though it most desperately wants to. – Notes from Ellen Wasserfeldman

In God We Trust?” How can I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help me God? Answer: I can’t. It’s a real problem. Don’t get me wrong – I’d like to believe...

My acupuncturist once told me that it doesn’t have to hurt to work. She might have meant the needles, but I think she really meant love.

Your mission statement says Galer Street is based on global “connectitude.” (You people don’t just think outside the box, you think outside the dictionary!)

Technically, I am unarmed. But no one should ever underestimate the harm that fingernails can do. Especially if the target is unprepared.

As a kid my heart would break for the villains.

Once the orange juice wears off, I might be drunk. I love vodka.

Pen-bereavement is a serious matter.

My father always told me I was too clever times half.

I close my eyes and feel the texture of brick on my fingers in my mind. I try to imagine the wall that surrounds your heart, so I can best devise a plan to breach...

If you’re the sole survivor of an army attacked by us, are you going to say we had our asses handed to us by petite, nubile females, or by she-monsters who can bench Buicks?

The only person I compete with is Satan. If that happens to be you, then could you please move out of the way? You’re standing in Christ’s spot.

I built my marriage brick by brick. And I destroyed it blanket by blanket.

Every one suspects himself of at least one of the cardinal virtues, and this is mine: I am one of the few honest people that I have ever known.

Bizim hepimizin içinde zübüklük olmasa, bizler de birer zübük olmasak, aramızdan böyle zübükler büyüyemezdi. Hepimizde birer parça olan zübüklük birleşip işte başımıza böyle zübükler çıkıyor. Oysa zübüklük bizde, bizim içimizde. Onları biz, kendi zübüklüğümüzden yaratıyoruz....

Man has become a tool of his tools? Man, what a tool.

I would visit Hawaii, but I’m not that strong of a swimmer. My strength is all in my heart, and I love like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s body looks.

Since youre here, Courtauld said wearily, youd better explain why these lollipops or whatever they’re called have to be on silk. If I’d had a lollipop I knew precisely where Id stick it.

Lovers do things together! They rent videos, they ride Ferris wheels, they go out for pizza, they play Scrabble. They . . . they talk!”Talk?’ He lifted his head and frowned, his eyes puzzled. ‘We...

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for – in order to get to the job you need to...