My dad is awesome.

Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won’t be the last time that happens.

Before I proposed to my now-wife, I was understandably nervous. My father suggested that I take stock of all of my experiences and relationships with women, from my earliest memories to present day, and see...

I can’t help but think about things critically. Sometimes it can be a curse. What I wouldn’t give every once in a while to be a blithering idiot skipping through life with shit in my...

You’re like a tornado of bullshit right now. We’ll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else’s house.

I feel like if I’m going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because he is interesting and he is funny and if you’re buying...

You worry too much. Eat some bacon…what? No, I got no idea if it’ll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.

See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I’m thinking; How can I give less of shit? That’s why I look interested.

I just wanted to compile these stories about growing up with my father and I wanted people to be able to enjoy them individually, but also the entire book as a whole.

… human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever’s freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello.

I’m not a guy who curses very much in my personal life. When I curse it sounds like a kid trying to be cool. But I think there are quite a few people, my father...

Who’s going to take care of it? You?. . . Son, you came in the house yesterday with sh*t on your hands. Humansh*t. I don’t know how that happened, but if someone has shit on...

There is no definitive guidebook on how to pick the right partner, and even if there were, I’m way too dumb to write it.

Advice is bullshit. It’s just one asshole’s opinion.

I almost feel like I’m unoffendable now. I can roll with whatever.

You stand in front of an electric fence and whip your dick out to take a piss on it, it’s pretty clear you’re about to make a mistake. Other than that, you pretty much have...

I was an angst-y journal writing kid.

I kind of came to the conclusion after I did finally get married that love and relationships are just a series of horrific losses with hopefully one win.

The thing with Bill Shatner is he brings something unique to everything he does. He’s not the obvious choice for anything, but he always brings something special to it.

Although Kurt Vonnegut may not be considered a humor writer, ‘Breakfast of Champions’ is one of the funniest books I’ve ever read.

I hadn’t gone to one dance in my entire high schoolcareer. I was six foot tall and a hundred and twentypounds. When I danced, I looked like a praying mantison fire.

The Internet has really democratized ideas. There are no real gatekeepers any more, because if you have a great idea, and you put it online, people will find it and it will get in front...

If you work hard and study hard. And you fuck up. That’s okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you’re a fuckup