People tend to be more tofu-like, able to absorb whatever environment they’re dropped into. But where does the adaptability end and your actual personality begin?

You just don’t notice the time line of your own metamorphosis. Until you do.

I never asked my mother where babies came from but I remember clearly the day she volunteered the information….my mother called me to set the table for dinner. She sat me down in the kitchen,...

Who do you have to sleep with to get laid in this town?

The nursery rhyme ends when a spider comes along and frightens Miss Muffet straight off her tuffet. I have wondered about what kind of lesson this is for a young girl. If you’re eating your...

In my lame pescetarian defense, it’s very hard to be a girl and say you won’t eat something. Refuse one plate of bacon-wrapped pork rinds and you’re anorexic. Accept them and you’re on the Atkins....

Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo and goes downhill from there.

You should never wear anything you can’t afford to lose.

I got out on the street and started crying the kind of hysterical tears made justifiable only by turning off one’s cell phone, putting it to the ear, and pretending to be told of a...

It’s remarkable the logic we’ll build around a misapprehension.

When you have a steady and lifelong group of girlfriends, chances are the person you’re telling the story to is actually part of the story.

On occasion, it occurs to adults that they are allowed to do all the things that being a child prevented them from doing. But those desires change when you’re not looking. There was a time...

The children were overwhelmingly morbid. Not a single adult asked me where butterflies go when they die, but this question was more popular than pixie sticks with the under-four-foot set. I cursed parents for not...

How above-the-law children’s books are. Hansel and Gretel (littering, breaking and entering), Rumpelstiltskin (forced labor), Snow White (conspiracy to commit murder), Rapunzel (break of contract).

People are less quick to applaud you as you grow older. Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo and goes downhill from there.

Names I am most commonly called by telemarketers: Simone, Slain, Siobhan, Flo, Stacey, Susan, Slater, Leanne, and Slow (Yes, my parents named me “Slow”. That’s because they hate me and made me sleep in the...

The only bit I have pictured in any detail is the music (maybe ‘The Book of Love’ by the Magnetic Fields. Or Johnny Cash’s ‘It Ain’t Me, Babe’). It doesn’t matter if the selection is...