Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.

What a moron I was to think you were sweet and innocent, when it turns out you were actually college-educated the whole time!

If flip flops were oppressive, I wouldn’t wear any. I’d go around showing of my bare feet of freedom. And I’d tell everyone that freedom causes blisters.

Did you really save the world ?…- Mostly I was saving my own ass. Just happend that the world was in the same spot.

It was in this pub he’d learnt that, contrary to the belief of the majority of those laying bets, it is possible to flatten a hundred frogs with a hammer in less than thirty seconds....

A blanket could be used as a distress symbol. You’ll know I’m in danger and in need of rescue, because I’ll be asleep and completely oblivious to my surroundings.

I had a dream about you. You brought me coffee. I brought you misery. It was Starbucks’ coffee, so I thought it was a fair trade.

I don’t believe in failure. I’m perseverant – I believe in failing.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they’re ok, then it’s you.

The outer bands of the tropical storm didn’t play as good of music as the inner bands near the eye did.

He has a natural immunity,” I gritted out.

Okay. I’m not a white male. At least, not predominantly so. And as I mentioned before, I’m in an environment right now where race is really important. See, Chinese men are not that physically intimidating....

A blanket could be used to store valuable information that will keep future generations warm overnight. And just so you know, it wasn’t me that farted in the blanket. That’s a bit too much information,...

Tomorrow I don’t have to work, which means I don’t have to get up. I could just die in my sleep and nobody would care for 48 hours.

First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.

You put cow dung on my face?’ ‘Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear?

Cher and share alike. At least in sound. Most of the decisions I make are sound, exactly like Beethoven when he wrote and discarded his 10th symphony.

Azerowut, I must tend to an urgently urgent business and a business that is urgent most urgently. Watch over my tent with extreme care and care that is caring in the extreme, and do not,...

I have only two wishes,” said Jean. “The first is for strong coffee, and the second is for stronger coffee.

A blanket could be used to keep an iceberg warm. People are so selfish and want to stop global warming. Well, if you were a snowman, and were cold all the time, wouldn’t you welcome...

Somebody once asked me where I come up with my stuff. I replied, “Who knows? Where does yellow snow come from? It’s just a gift from God I guess.

BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.

I go off-line for a few nanos and the whole world goes to DOS.

Martin Van Buren was a shitty guy. Not just because he was a bad president, and not just because he was pro-slavery. Van Buren was shitty in a very general sort of way. And with...

They’re book addicts.

Do not put statements in the negative form.And don’t start sentences with a conjunction.If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that agreat deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.Never...

A blanket could be used to spread the love around. Tuck it in at the edges, so nobody can hog all the amor.

What I call talking to God, you may call talking to myself. Of course, I’m flattered that you’d think I am God.

Writing a book is like sliding down a rainbow! Marketing it is like trudging through a field of chewed bubblegum on a hot, sticky day.

In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.

You know, people always talk about how Jesus came down to Earth as a human being. He became a human being, But no one ever takes into account what that means.

I’m jealous of your hooks,” Kevin replied. “Having no hands is better than having two equally strong hands.”Don’t be ridiculous,” one of the white-faced women replied. “Having a white face is worse than both of...

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

A brick is blocking my urethra. But it’s not painful, because my penis is just that big. Oh yes, it’s as big as this lie is.

She said she was a loser, and I argued she was a winner. I won the argument, thus losing the argument because my winning made her a loser.

It’s hot out there.” I prowl toward her, pulling off my shirt. I maybe flex my abs a little- anything for my girl.

Well blow me down with a solar flare.

I made love with a cute woman yesterday. I would have made love with a gorgeous woman, but she was more expensive.

But the law is an odd thing. For instance, one country in Europe has a law that requires all its bakers to sell bread at the exact same price. A certain island has a law...

Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.

That’s a relief. No maggoty corpse would be that sarcastic.

The first airplanes looked more like flying furniture than the soaring dildos of today.

Then, aided by the booze, like a fool I tossed off one of those throwaway lines that would have been better thrown away. “Ah, Frank! I thought you were going to be down here fucking...

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

What?! It wasn’t enough for you to shoot me and kidnap me, so you had to go and butcher my hair? IS THAT IT?” she yelled at the top of her lungs.

What is evil?’ you ask. To which I reply, ‘Who are you, Friedrich Nietzsche?’ To which you respond, ‘Duh, wha? Me no understand.’Then I put you back in your cage.

Alanna: All I know is that I’m to jump when I’m told and I have no free time.

In order not to make a liar out of Henry or Katherine, one or the other, the committee men think up circumstances in which the match may have been partly consummated, or somewhat consummated, and...

The institution asked me to speak and say a few words. So, knowing a few is three, I said, I love you.

Part of what I love about novels and dogs is that they are so beautifully oblivious to economic concerns. We serve them, and in return they thrive. It’s not their responsibility to figure out where...