People who need people who need people need the luckiest people in the world.

Do I mind losing? No, because losses and wins are just the bricks on the path to success. Both losing and winning are needed to find prosperity.

Mrs. Friedman lived in a happy snow globe of AP History.

I always splash on the cologne before a blind date because dogs can smell fear

Well don’t expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.

A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise.

I don’t worry about GDP. Not when there are so many other combinations of letters to be concerned with.

I admire women who tweet about their sex lives. Talk about serious multitasking skills.

Death doesn’t care about personalities – he’s more interested in meeting quotas.

My car rides smooth like I’m driving a cloud. If I park it at your house, I may get rainwater on your living room carpet.

I am Trella the victorious leader of the Force of Sheep rebellion. Yes the name sounds ridiculous, and I still can’t believe we named a major life changing event after livestock—or actually a stuffed animal—but...

In our world, I rank music somewhere between hair ribbons and rainbows in terms of usefulness.

What if I shave?” he said. “I look much better when I’m shaved. My cousin will vouch for that—do I not look almost handsome when I shave, Edward? ” He didn’t wait for the duke’s...

What’s the halfway point on a burrito called? Sadness.

Anything worth doing is worth neither confirming nor denying having done.

Farmers don’t picket government corruption, they picket fences. Let this be a lesson in love and the proper way to separate churlish and state.

My friends mess around with my friends—and my friends’ bikes. Sex with bicycles—that kind of love is just too fast for me. I’ll stick to sticking it in statues.

That’s like leaping off a precipice and trying to knit yourself a parachute on the way down.

I didn’t know that idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose.

That guy doesn’t try hard enough, Steve,” he said. I felt weirdly ashamed when he said that. So much so that I went into his room and urinated on his bed.

I fight with the strength of many lion meows. I love even more ferociously.

Executive Intelligence Summary: Machine out of order. New order, on order.

I was born a baby, and it took me a long time to be man enough to acknowledge that that was a mistake.

Coffee and me are best friends. The only difference between Coffee and my other best friends is I drink coffee, and I ate all my other friends.

Twittering just seemed to be people telling other people what they were doing–getting in the shower, making coffee. Who on earth wanted to know these things?…Babble and twitter. Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

If there was anything that depressed him more than his own cynicism, it was that quite often it still wasn’t as cynical as real life.

Remember to remember: sometimes your adversary is your biggest asset. Where would David be without Goliath? Jesus without Judas?

She asked for the time, and I said that information is for sale—by the slice. 60 slices in a whole pie.

Cause I’m Irish, and everyone remembers me.

My wife is younger. At one point, I was twice her age. Of course, I was six at the time.

The office is painted with green and red stripes. It’s not painted that way so my mom can experience Christmas 364 more days a year. It represents the stock market, with green symbolizing greed, and...

(Parody that is often falsely believed to be a true quote of Mariah Carey’s) Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean...

The trouble was that he was talking in philosophy but they were listening in gibberish.

Great,” I mumbled, walking back behind the counter.

Once she called to invite me to a concert of Liszt piano concertos. The soloist was a famous South American pianist. I cleared my schedule and went with her to the concert hall at Ueno...

Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. Now if I could just find something that doesn’t kill me.

My kitchen sink has no truck attached. My love needs a waterproof suitcase in these Days of Desert and Dessert. Who are you going to come running to when the Ice Cream Man melts?

I am a believer in free will. If my dog chooses to hate the whole human race except myself, it must be free to do so.

Disney will never make a movie about my life story, and that’s a shame–I’d make a really cute animated creature.

You’re not going to tell me they built fifty-foot-high killer golems, are you?””Only a man would think of that.It’s our job,” said Moist. “If you don’t think of fifty-foot-high killer golems first, someone else will.

I have been quiet today because fear in my heart has been fighting with frustration in my brain, leaving little energy for my mouth.

Stacks of vitamins in a soapy sink. Shh, don’t talk to me while I think. Don’t look while I stuff your yummy dinner down the drain. It was so good I couldn’t bear to eat...

How much do you remember?

I am marvelously absurd in my cloudless thought formation.

The right people came along with the right tools (eyelids), and it was goodnight, war. Peace felt like such a dream, probably because it was.

So.” [Isobel] cleared her throat. “What are we doing?””We,” [Varen] said at last, “are doing a project on Poe.””Didn’t he marry his cousin or something?””The man is a literary god and that’s all you have...

With great power comes great dissipation.

My ex girlfriend, she gave great log cabin. But she couldn’t write a speech like Lincoln. So I grew a beard and broke up with her.

I think ghosts think I think they taste like cheese. I also think ghosts think I love cheese more than any other food. That’s why I’ve never seen a ghost. They’re afraid of me, afraid...

Oh, for the love of God. There is no agent more agent than you. I swear you have pin-striped ties encrypted into your DNA. When you die, the coffin is going to read Property of...