She tried to tear herself away from him. The effort broke against his arms that had not felt it. Her fists beat against his shoulders, against his face. He moved one had, took her two...

Anyway, if the Cetagandans really wanted to assassinate you, they’d hardly do it here. They’d slip something subtle under your skin that wouldn’t go off for six months, and then would drop you mysteriously and...

I’ve begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It’s there for me every day. And the things it...

All books are coloring books, if you are in possession of a childlike imagination, and a box of markers.

…you take your humor where you can get it.

It could have been a thief or a murderer. I considered crying out. A thief would run away, but a murderer would murder me. On the other hand, the murderer would probably murder me if...

Cool people are only cool for the first thirty minutes of knowing them. After that, they just become annoying.

I wouldn’t feel great if you left me alone, but I wouldn’t feel bad either. I’d feel good, like I always do, which has nothing to do with you, even if you’ll have nothing to...

Maybe the cat has fallen into the stew, or the lettuce has frozen, or the cake has collapsed. Eh bien, tant pis. Usually one’s cooking is better than one thinks it is. And if the...

I feel like I’m going to die,’ he says.‘Could we talk for a few minutes before you die?’‘Only if you do it quietly.’‘I met this girl last night. I need your advice.’‘Come back later.’‘No. You...

In high school pottery class, I never made a whole vase. Instead I made fragments that I tried to sell as historical artifacts. The effort earned me an F in pottery, and an A in...

Life makes fun of us and we should help it.

By the standards of a tourist strolling past looking for a quick lunch, the place was a dive. The sign on the window was small and easy to miss, and the antique feel of the...

If a couple has their picture taken at a wedding or other social gathering, and the woman looks hot, her guy could be blinking, chewing, or even mid-sneeze, and she’ll still display it on her...

All this fuss about sleeping together. For physical pleasure I’d sooner go to my dentist any day.

I do think I need some new feathers for my pillow.

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

I had a dream about you. You were trying to perfect the art of sexual intercourse, and I offered you the use of one of my statues to practice on. Artists have to stick together,...

Mrs. Palmer is a teacher so naturally I assumed she would never do anything good for me.

She gave him a strange maternal grin.For the first time, clearly, the thought surfaced in Paul Sheldon’s mind: I am introuble here. This woman is not right.

Who embalms the Undertaker when he dies?

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells… to locate a female egg, despite the fact that...

There is a noticeable lack of dialogue,” Sebastian confirmed.

the smartest man in the room doesn’t visit many rooms.

Scientists talk about dark matter, the invisible, mysterious substance that occupies the space between stars. Dark matter makes up 99.99 percent of the universe, and they don’t know what it is. Well I do. It’s...

people without sense of humor aren’t much fun to be around, no matter how far they’ve gotten.

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

Not that I knew who you were until last month. But now that I’ve got you, I’m not letting you go.””You’re not?”Blake stared at her in irritated confusion. What was her game? “Do you think...

I would so hate to be a first-person character! Always on your guard, always having people read your thoughts!

I had a dream about you. The ice melted so quickly in our relationship that I didn’t even have a chance to tell you I loved you. So I just sat there, alone, slurping up...

Back in our apartment, lights out, The Professor emerged from beneath the bed.” – from “The Professor Spends the Night,” in issue 4 of Literary Orphans

I have never even idly thought for a single passing second that it might make my life nicer to have a small rude incontinent person follow me around screaming and making me buy them stuff...

But who is ever fair in an argument?

I got excited when I saw a midget, and then disappointed when I realized it was just a child. Those things are so common.

There are some dogs which, when you meet them, remind you that, despite thousands of years of man-made evolution, every dog is still only two meals away from being a wolf. These dogs advance deliberately,...

Coffee and donuts go together like government policy and subsequent poverty.

If there is no picture, there is no proof.

Now, my intention was to drink just enough to dull the senses, but intentions should never be mixed with alcohol.

Thanks to Dashiell Hammett. “He was thin, walked with a stick, and was the only private dick I knew who used the pockets of his sport coat. Maybe that means something, maybe not.” Ramone Ramone,...

Peace cannot be achieved; they have to be plucked out of their pod.

For the time being I’ll be a being in time. And when I die, I’ll happily be compost for a greener world.

You, Ms. Lane, are a menace to others! A walking, talking catastrophe in pink!

too much alcohol hampers people’s ability to parent. That’s why I’ve chosen to remain childless.

Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.

Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys.

The prank is entitled “Subverting the Patriarchal Paradigm”.

Don’t run I never liked fast food

Lowkey punchdrunk off this Sangria-sweet love and all it’s prodigious trappings…