It was like there was some parallel universe we all vanished off to where we had all this sex.

Now what happens?” asked the man in black. “We face each other as God intended,” Fezzik said. “No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.””You mean you’ll put down your rock and I’ll put down...

The perfect body protects its owner from disease, gives birth to amazing new people and stops your bones from falling out. The end.

I believe there is only one thing to say at this point.”What’s that?”Yee haw,” he said gravely, and took me down like a rodeo calf.

I had a dream about you. We were running on the beach, holding hands. It was a nude beach, but we were the only ones wearing clothes. You wore a bikini, and I wore my...

Without thinking about it at all, Harry stepped in front of Hermione.There was an intake of breath from behind him, and then a moment later Hermione brushed past and stepped in front of him. “Run,...

A brick could be used to cut things. The duller the object, the sharper the user has to be to make it work.

Question (from a reader) : Will the Wise Goddess Athena overthrow Zeus and become the ruler of Olympus?Athena’s answer : What an interesting idea . . . No, just kidding, Dad. Put away the lightning...

How’re we getting to King’s Cross tomorrow, Dad?” asked Fred as they dug into a sumptuous pudding.”The Ministry’s providing a couple of cars,” said Mr. Weasley.Everyone looked up at him.”Why?” said Percy curiously.”It’s because of...

Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.

I want to spend less time talking about myself, and more time listening to what other people have to say about me.

When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

They served “Good Food” but only a G, an O and a D were lit up. Personally, I doubted God dined there. Unless God was keen on samonella poisoning and rat droppings in the hamburgers....

BARBARIC!

Because I’d already done it… does that make sense?

Jake’s POV: It was just too bad that Chloe was freezing Ally out even though her family hadn’t been affected. Because otherwise Ally would be here and maybe I could be making out with her...

I’ve aged more this past week than I did in all six days that preceded it. Will you still love me tomorrow, when I’m an older man?

What if I got hit by lightning while walking with an umbrella? Ban umbrellas! Fight the menace of lightning!

Dear Teens at Starbucks wearing ‘Abstain from Sex 2 Attain Ur Goals’ t-shirts: Doesn’t it depend on what my goals are?

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Someday, my young friend, you’ll find out that girls are actually people too. Just like you and me.

It is just as foolish to complain that people are selfish and treacherous as it is to complain that the magnetic field does not increase unless the electric field has a curl. Both are laws...

I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I’m going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable.

I keep my socks in a filing cabinet, if that tells you what kind of lover I am.

When God Created Mothers”When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of “overtime” when the angel appeared and said. “You’re doing a lot of fiddling around on this one.” And...

We have our own language. Christianese… We don’t say ‘He’s out of his mind,’ no, we say ‘That’s our youth pastor.

Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Different people have different ideas. We need to kill them—the ideas, not the people. The people we just need to torture.

Also, I think I felt something come loose back there. I’m not trying to overreact or anything but I think it was my uterus. Honest. I think my uterus jiggled free. My uterus is just...

I wouldn’t advise making a four-year commitment to eventually land an $8.00/hour job. Skip college. Read Wikipedia for free instead.

I remind you that I have no faith. If I sought God, I find myself.

It was stealing her breath, imbecile. Go get a towel.” -Christophe, Strange Angels by Lili St. Crow

Unpaid internships are worse than slavery,” Gabby said. I looked at her, unsure of what she meant. “They make us work ridiculous hours, for free, and they make us do things an employee would do....

Five more points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable know-it-all.

Where’s Izzy?” cried Alice. “I’m right here!” Izzy was heard, but there was no sight of her floating friend. “Izzy’s invisible!” yelled Melanie.”Invisible and flying!” Colleen added nervously.

Rhode Island knows, but is Del aware?

Help me, I can’t breathe, your ego is pushing all the air out of the room.

In second grade my second love wrote “I love you” on a scrap of paper and dropped it on my desk as he passed by. He was very shy and sullen. When he moved to...

If your leg is in a cast, it’s really dumb to sit in front of your computer doing unnecessary stuff with it hanging down. Your leg will swell and heal slower, if at all. When...

Artemis: (shocked) Why, Doctor? This is a sensitive area. For all you know I could be suffering from depression. Doctor Po: I suppose you could. Is that the case? Artemis: (head in hands) It’s my...

Love is the gap between the blackness and the emptiness. Of course, there are also times when love isn’t so cheery and gets really dark and lonely.

You get work however you get work, but keep people keep working in a freelance world (and more and more of todays world is freelance), because their work is good, because they are easy to...

My feelings for her faded from black to red. Was I in love—or in hell?

The world is my canvas, and my ponytail is my paintbrush. Helen Keller probably had a ponytail too, though my art has more vision. Barely.

You’re probably wondering what’s going to happen to you. That’s easy. The same thing is going to happen to you that has happened to every other human being who has ever lived. You’re going to...

Some people have a way with words, and other people…oh, uh, not have way.

…There are too many idiots in this world. And having said it, I have the burden of proving it.

I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that ‘the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is...

He was a peculiar sight. Tears rolling down his face, shouting to drown the sound of the singing rabbit; he said he needed help, pointed to a chicken, handed over some money, grabbed his parcel...

As an artist, I’m aspiring for a Triple George—being compared to George Orwell, George Carlin, and Curious George.