Agatha, what do you see when you look in the mirror?””I don’t look in mirrors.””Why is that?””Because horses and hogs don’t sit around ogling their reflections!

My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.

I’d much rather a monkey throws a blanket instead of a brick.

We fell in love like two medium pizzas in one large stomach. I wish dad would have saved a few slices for us.

Sleepwalking is the perfect exorcise for lazy people

I invited a few people to help celebrate your birthday,” Cameron said sheepishly. She threw up her hands. “Surprise.””We sort of come with the package,” Collin explained. “Think of it as a collective gift from...

My hair isn’t as white as snow, because it’s not old enough—or cold enough.

The sexiest advice:Dear humans, stop role-playing in your lives; these sort of things are meant to be explored only at times you won’t mention in public.

After a geological epoch passed in which single-celled organisms evolved into talk show hosts, Mr. Coffee was still holding out on me.

The ocean swells around us. Sometimes, we are in a bowl of water and sometimes on the top of the lip. The horizon curves.We are sitting on top of the world.In theory, anyone is on...

When I have children I want an even number of boys and girls, and that’s why I want 15 kids—7 boys, 7 girls, and one hermaphrodite named Sam.

Don’t you know it?

I don’t mind hot and spicy. Actually find that appealing in a girl. And chicken wings.

Apparently loved did weird things to a girl’s practical decision-making skills – Matilda

I am so awesome. That’s five syllables!” He bowed, looking very pleased with himself.

I am who I think I am, or I probably am, and a test I conceive and answer about myself isn’t a way to test if I’m another person pretending to be me, because no...

You would not enjoy Nietzsche, sir. He is fundamentally unsound.

I’m not just a guy’s guy. I also have a mom.

…If you’d like to go back in there and try kicking him, I recommend aiming upward and a bit to the left–

It’s like smoking compost through a raccoon.

This morning I ate a hamburger for breakfast, and then wept like a baby into an open jar of mayonnaise. I guess that’s just the champion in me.

Almost everything strange washes up near Miami.

Stop!” Don’t stop loving me—stop and love me.

Boyhood, like measles, is one of those complaints which a man should catch young and have done with, for when it comes in middle life it is apt to be serious.

Two former students of mine are getting married. Congrats, grandpa and grandpa!

Remember what happened last time with the ‘cuda.

fresh” chicken noodle soup through a 20-foot straw that runs from the basement up to the attic, where she found the soup.

There’s not a lot of food on the moon. Not unless you’re into cannibalism.

Grover wore his fake feet and his pants to pass as human. He wore a green rasta-style cap, because when it rained his curly hair flattened and you could just see the tips of his...

You know Quinn?” Macaulay asked me.”Ten minutes ago I was putting him to bed.”Macaulay grinned. “I hope you keep his acquaintance like that – social””Meaning what?”Macaulay’s grin became rueful. “He used to be my broker,...

One of the Georges,” said Psmith, “I forget which, once said that a certain number of hours’ sleep a day–I cannot recall for the moment how many–made a man something, which for the time being...

I am somebody’s son, and I know a guy I call “Dad.” Those two things are unrelated.

Fact is just fiction with different storytellers

A blanket could be used like a cat, if it were furry and purred.

It’s Wednesday, and I just made a fresh batch of Thursdays. Buy one while they’re still hot! They go on sale Friday.

You can’t believe that AIDS is a curse from God against Gays without accepting that Lyme Disease is a curse from the same God against Deer Hunters…

And no one was ill, and everyone was pleased, except those who had to mow the grass.

We had a choice between Democrats who couldn’t learn from the past and Republicans who couldn’t stop living in it…

Peanut butter and jelly is like the older, more serious brother to egg salad sandwich. I’m an only child, so I eat both with incredible sadness.

If we choose to behave differently, we are considered ‘Mad’ or ‘immature

Pop, please, it’s hideous,” Trick said.

You ever flown something before?” (Christopher)”I hold the highest score at A.S.U. for Star Wars: Starfighter.” (Kitty)”I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I’m going to regret this.” (Christopher)

The mind can’t delete what the heart won’t let go of.

I don’t sleep naked, because that’s not proper beach etiquette.

Jake’s POV: Meanwhile, Ally was here with Marshall Moss, who she was obviously going to hook up with later. They’d barely stopped touching each other all night. Even now, they were out in the middle...

My father was a man, and I know the sex pretty well.

If you were to gather all the minutes wasted on insignificant, immaterial yik yak spent throughout the day and add them up, how much misspent time do you think you’d have? One hour? Two hours?...

Every child needs a father. Even if he turns out to be Darth Vader.

My hobbies include urinating in empty apple juice bottles and then pouring the contents into kitty litter and trying to get the clumps to form shapes of historical figures.

As a general rule, I preferred not to have my soul reaped.