I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Look what pressure(cooker) does to Rice. It makes the hard and tough rice go soft.

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree……unless that tree’s growing on top of a hill.

The only good thing about all the radiation in the air is I can go on my nightly walk and wear my astronaut’s suit and not feel like an idiot. I also wear the astronaut’s...

I was too sad to watch her dying, so I shot her. I couldn’t bear the pain of watching her go slowly like that, over the next 50 years.

You don’t need a search warrant to go through someone’s trash. Seriously. Once it hits the curb it is totally fair game-you an look it up.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

I’d drink from a hose, but I wouldn’t drink from a horse. I have other ways of showing I love you.

…..and it is generally understood that a party hardly ever goes the way it is planned or intended. This last, of course, excludes, those dismal slave parties, whipped and controlled and dominated, given by an...

I put the all in allow. Well, I put in most. All the rest I forbid! If it pleases you, dinner will be ready as soon as you make it.

A gun that shoots out rainclouds is a delayed water gun. I need to just pull the trigger and tell her I love her, but I’ll wait until her umbrella is open and her bathtub...

Compromise is a stalling between two fools.

Try jogging when following your heart, it’s healthier

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

Rhiannon’s Law #16: If it looks like a rabbit, and it hops like a rabbit, run the other way and fast. That shit is liable to tear you arm off.

I saw myself driving through Eternity in a timeless taxi.

When I was young, I was 13 going on 31. Then when I was 30 going on 31, I was 30 going on 29. Now I’m in love and I’ve lost all sense of time—and...

So you went from one reader to two readers?” you’d be absolutely correct. And after I had congratulated you on your keen guess, I’d thank you for being 50% of my reading base.

I’m not a psychopath, I’m a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.

I had a dream about you, you gave me a plant and sweetly said “This will grow with our love” upon handing it over to me the plant died. I started packing.

When I was poor and complained about inequality they said I was bitter; now that I’m rich and I complain about inequality they say I’m a hypocrite. I’m beginning to think they just don’t want...

If your breath smells like coffee, I might try to drink our conversation. Wake me up with the words you’re speaking.

I cringed as the band oozed into the next chord. If notes were cars, I think there was a D major under the wreckage.

Nine times out of ten I left one out. But the one I leave out is never love. I always put love in—even when I put it in your butt.

Satire is enjoyable compensation for being forced to think.

I like to think of this little [newspaper] column as a brassière, or do I mean brasserie? Brazier, possibly. All three! A column that lifts, separates, supports, serves excellent cappuccino and crackles merrily with sweet-smelling...

Iwouldn’t go that far,” muttered Tessa.

I believe more in the scissors than I do in the pencil.

Sometimes I pretend I’m from the 19th century. Then I drive around and say, Wow! So this is what the future’s like, huh?

We drove out of New Paltz heading due north. Squeezed into my tiny hatchback, among our boxes and bags, were my dog, Nico, the hens, and the humming hive of bees, its openings covered over...

Wrath: look at how their folklore portrays our species. There’s Dracula for Christ’s sake, an evil bloodsucker who preys on the defenseless. There’s piss-poor B movies and porn. And don’t get me started on the...

Love is a lot like coffee in that I can never seem to get enough of it, and hers is hot and mine is iced.

On the porch were the still-smoking remains of long-stemmed roses, evidence that someone angry and passive-aggressive didn’t know Peter was out of town.

When you’re writing a whodunit, the dead body is the most important character. It’s the pivot point around which the plot spins.

I’m off to make war, so that you may have love.

Price per man has shot up, because so many men were shot up that we need many more men.

Sopping, and with no sign of stopping, either- then a breather. Warm again, storm again- what is the norm, again? It’s fine, it’s not, it’s suddenly hot: Boom, crash, lightning flash!

He’s got the curly Irish hair. You can’t eat him because he might be your father, and you’ll spoil your dinner.

God, don’t laugh!” Jamie said, alarmed. “I didna mean to make ye laugh! Christ, Jenny will kill me if ye cough up a lung and die out here!

…O-suzu left whatever work she was doing at her sewing machine and dragged Takeo back to O-yoshi and her son.How dare you behave so selfishly! Now tell O-yoshi-san that you are sorry. Get down on...

How is it?” I ask as we stroll towards the dressing rooms. “Working at the playground. That must be fun.””Sure, they’re just adorable,” she says, “For the first five minutes. And then I want to...

NO PDA,school rules. And besides she’s my partner dickhead.” said Alex.

I am not.” Jaccob took his hand out of his coat pocket, where he’d been reaching to check his police scanner or music player (he hadn’t decided which to use first).

I wrote the story myself. It’s about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead.

Jasmine believes in a prophecy that says she is destined to love a man named Josh Toby. Okay, fine. He could believe that. Hell, he had friends who believed carbohydrates were the work of the...

My life is like a Kevin Smith movie.””Zany and unpredictable?””Mildly humorous but ultimately not worth the effort of paying for a ticket.

A daffodil bulb will divide and redivide endlessly. That’s why, like the peony, it is one of the few flowers you can find around abandoned farmhouses, still blooming and increasing in numbers fifty years after...

Noah shifted on the bed, and the oddest crunching sound came underneath him. I looked, really looked, at the bed for the first time.”What,” I asked slowly, as I eyed the animal crackers strewn all...

Can you drop me off at work? Just pull up to the front and pop the trunk and I’ll hop out.