IMBECILE!” the chef shouted. “Next time why don’t you just put your whole HAND in the food, hey? Yes, your whole hand, or maybe your FACE! I arrange the food on plates with care, are...

You used to love me. Let me help jog your memory by buying you some running shoes. The shoes will be wooden, and nailed to the floor.

A Toyota is not a toy. At least not a sex toy. However, my driving is both erratic and erotic. Tickets are ten dollars per passenger. Senior citizen discounts not available.

Christ, how can our family be mankind’s best hope?

Ish #303 “It’s a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating.

Because this is another thing your average American man in crisis does: he tries to go home, forgetting, momentarily, that he is the reason he left home in the first place, that the home is...

A person isn’t an assortment of body parts. A person is a collection of habits and decisions.

I have a business appointment that I am anxious… to miss.

30% of the time I am successful 70% of the time. That’s 100% in my book—a book that happens to have a page count that’s 21% Reduced Fat.

A blanket could be split in two—divided in half, like hereditary territory one inherits. And once you’ve got half the blanket, you’d better stay on your side of the bed—or else I’m going to tell...

In Ruth’s view, they looked ‘like a couple’ because they seemed to possess some terrible secret between them – they appeared stricken with remorse when they saw her. Only a novelist could ever imagine such...

One last word,’ I said in my horrible careful English, ‘are you quite, quite sure that—well, not tomorrow, of course, and not after tomorrow, but—well—some day, any day, you will not come to live with...

Someone ought to be rude to him. He’s rude enough to everyone else.

Christianity and Buddhism are very much alike, especially Buddhism.

Don’t pick up hitchhikers!”- D. Adams

When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you’ve created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is...

I don’t like rejection. One jection is enough for me. No need to give it to me again.

☺☺ When a man gets to 99, he starts to think, he may only have another 10 years of sexy lovemaking left… Still Smiling At 99. ☺☺

Why can’t I just Google it like everything else?! I hate you public library system!

The more I see of the representatives of the people, the more I admire my dogs.

I wish I had money now. If only I’d saved my allowance growing up, instead of squandering it on balls, balloons, booze, and floozies.

The State Department said no American is proud of CIA interrogations. OK, so we’re not as good as the Syrians at it, but we’re not that bad.

Clone One’s last name will be Martz. Clone Two I’ll call Martinez.

Grab life by the tail, and then pet it.

Love is the canvas covering the furniture that you’ve become a part of

There are many things evil people can take from you. However, they can never steal your ability to laugh and laugh loud.

Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I’m not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we’re doing here.

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I reminded them of Orafoura’s shadow, I’d have a penny more than ninety nine cents. And even then that’s because I muttered it to...

The key to being a great agent is treating everyone like a celebrity and treating a celebrity like everyone else.

If you try to buy my body, I’ll sell you my shadow. My shadow would make a great day laborer, because it’s solar powered.

A blanket could be used to keep people warm. But take it from me: you want to freeze those dead bodies as soon as they’re cold and lifeless, because you don’t want the bodies staying...

Never love anybody who treats you like you’re normal…they’re just the psychiatric hospital staff

It is a wonderful thing to be liked by a stranger, but without respect it is pointless. It is like pulling the pedals off a rose and throwing the stem at the person you like....

Her smile was like a Samuel Beckett play – easy to read but difficult to interpret.

To a Vase”How do I break thee? Let me count the ways.I break thee if thou art at any heightMy paw can reach, when, smarting from some slight,I sulk, or have one of my crazy...

Chapter One of My Life. I walk down the street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It still takes forever to...

There’s sleep to be found here, and I’m going to find it—with my eyes closed. I’m like Sherlock Holmes meets Helen Keller. #Networking

Like I live with my clone: with many pats on the back, accompanied by high flattery.

You stand in front of an electric fence and whip your dick out to take a piss on it, it’s pretty clear you’re about to make a mistake. Other than that, you pretty much have...

When you’re in love with two people, always choose the second. The fact that you are constantly thinking of the second person makes it obvious that the first will never fulfill you, unless the second...

Then there are some minor points that strike me as suggestive – for instance, the position of Mrs. Hubbard’s sponge bag, the name of Mrs. Armstrong’s mother, the detective methods of Mr. Hardman, the suggestion...

If I had all the money in the world, I’d love seeing my name on billboards, buildings, and battleships. The only thing I wouldn’t like seeing my name on would be a credit card. Especially...

My conscience is cleared.

I blink like a blanket. I’m not asleep—this extended motionlessness is how I make love.

A blanket could be used to wrap up all the love I have to offer you, so it’ll be easier for you to carry it across the desert. You’d better get walking, because me and...

Penis is simply an anatomical appendage, as exciting as a finger or a phalange. A willy is something small and flaccid, and at least slightly humorous. Prick is the organ as viewed with distaste, perhaps...

If God lived on Earth people would stalk his Facebook page and leave nasty comments on his Pinterest site.” Then it sunk in- timing was everything and social media was the devil.

With great hotness comes great responsibility.

Orange juice so fresh it’s like a straw in an apple. Change for a twenty? Five fives, if you’ve got them.

X outlawed ⇒ only outlaws will X, where X ∈ {G : people who care about G aren’t all that interested in set theory anyhow}.