Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?””Yes,” said Harry stiffly.”Yes, sir.””There’s no need to call me “sir” Professor.”The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying.

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy day. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover.

Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with a car. Throw you off a bridge so high,Hope you break your neck and die.

I’m not in the system. I’m starting to question my own existence.

I never intended to become a zombie huntress; I had only intended to protest prom, high school’s last bastion of patriarchal society.

I mean. You put puppies in a store front, I will stop and giddily stare. Every. Single. Time.

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

The cucumber is just about the healthiest sex toy ever.

Quit analyzing me. My crazy needs no definition.

I’m now solidly in my mid-thirties. I turned thirty, three days ago.

He was my distant cousin. Not only was he 50 miles away and 50 years away, but he was just very aloof.

You — complete — arse — Ronald — Weasley!”She punctuated every word with a blow: Ron backed away, shielding his head as Hermione advanced.

You were wrong. She really is the new general in town.”I smiled back, hoping he wasn’t aware of my body’s reaction to us standing so close. “Maybe. But, it’s okay. You can still be colonel.”He...

A brick could be used as a measurement of time. Yes, just think how stylish you’ll look with a brick duct taped to your wrist!

If this is where you ask me to run around in my birthday suit, I’m not entirely comfortable with that,” I said, smirking.

Only the living can read. This means that when I write, my target market is people of the future. Greetings, people of the moon!

Normally I charge 60 cents on the dollar for stolen merchandise. But since it was my mother-in-law, and I stole it from her, I only charged her 50 cents on the dollar. That’s love.

She raised a sharp eyebrow at him. “Vlad, no offense, but look at you. If you’re not a vampire, you’re clearly the most anemic goth I’ve ever seen.”… “We believed you. Because that’s what friends...

You can’t save everyone, though God knows you try.

Toothpaste pie is no substitute for swishing around minty-fresh love in your mouth and then rinsing out with cold, refreshing reality. But don’t take my word for it, because I’m not a dentist.

Why go for something cold and dead, when you can have something hot and panting?

For the funeral I needed a plus one, so I rented a hooker. And then I rented a movie. Rest in peace Grandpa, or whoever you were.

Out of all the fathers in the world, I am the most like Mother Theresa. Also, I am childless.

Do I look stupid?” snarled Uncle Vernon, a bit of fried egg dangling from his bushy mustache.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?

I worry about identity theft. What’s to stop somebody from cloning me to drain the cash from my bank account? And it’d be just as easy for my clone to pretend to be me as...

I’m not going to wear a red dress,” she said.”It would look stunning, My Lady,” she called.She spoke to the bubbles gathered on the surface of the water. “If there’s anyone I wish to stun...

It took less than an hour to make the atoms, a few hundred million years to make the stars and planets, but five billion years to make man!

In the absence of a cat, I’d consider cuddling with a synthetic fur coat. Especially if your dead grandma was wearing it.

The poor things keep calling in those – those pumbles, I think they’re called – you know, the ones who mend pipes and things – “”Plumbers?”” – exactly, yes, but of course they’re flummoxed.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on theroad an hour.

A brick could be fired out of a cannon, in an attempt to bring down a brick wall, just as index fingers could be severed and flicked at politicians, to try to correctly redirect blame.

I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do — to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms,...

I’ve spent half my life searching for the truth. The left half of my life.

You won’t ever catch me wearing an oven mitt, because what’s wrong with a regular condom? If I’m wearing an oven mitt, I’m too late, because you’ve already got one in the oven.

I love having to attend the one class that is being taught by a professor who feels that their class is the only class being taught at the University and gives nothing but busy work.

I’d seen weirder things than a haunted shoe, but not many.

Handsome hero wanted.Brave in the face of certain danger.Must be willing to get naked with other species.At least six-inch penis required.Fee is negotiable.

Jealousy colors you black, Geoff. If you wanted to be a pretty princess too, I would have bought you a crown. I’ll be back soon.

I had a dream about you. I told you I wanted to start running, so you bought me some horseshoes and a saddle. Well, the saddle was more for you. I wish people would stop...

I am a leg of the death tripod that will destroy our foes.

Look!” said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, “Someone who cares!

I’ve seen daggers pierce the chest,Children dying in the road,Crawling things hooked and baited,Rapists bound and then castrated,Villains singed in public square.Yet none these sights did make me cringeLike when my Love cut all her...

The wind helps me unwind. I make love like Don Quixote windmilled into history.

annoying.” I guess I mean that most humans like to try to fuck up your plans.

People used to tell me that when I smile I really warm up the room. Well, the moment someone told me about global warming I frowned, and in that exact moment it started to snow....

Are you sure you weren’t adopted?””Mom would like to think so, but it was a natural birth, so her memory’s real clear.

[Artemis] returned to the aft bay for Mulch’s version of a briefing. The dwarf had drawn a crude diagram on a backlit wall panel. In fairness, there were more artistic chimpanzees. And less pungent ones....

The shortest distance between two people is a smile.