Goodbyes, they often come in waves.

I love coffee like I love making love. It’s like liquid sex, except you don’t want to spill it all over your crotch.

I need a victim and no offense Yuki, but your carrot sticks are lacking in controversy.

Whoever said “The hand that holds a book cannot hold a gun” never worked for CIA Tech Ops.

He lies on the couch all day watching television. I admire his classic American ambition. He’s probably a better lover than me.

So what did you do, drug me, stuff me in the trunk, then dump me like a sacrificial offering into that vampire’s coffin? – Shella

I was so offended I wanted to light his face on fire. But I restrained myself, because he was wearing my cat on his head.

I like my women like I like my sugar—refined. Actually, I like my sugar natural, like my mannequin sex.

It’s because I’m pregnant, Christian.”He snorts, and his mouth twists into an ironic smile. “If I knew getting you knocked up was going to make you eat, I might have done it earlier.

The next afternoon I left work to find that my car had been broken into and ransacked — but that not one thing had been stolen. I was so insulted that I left a note...

You know you’re in love when you reach out to hold your woman’s hand, without remembering that her hands are full because you insisted she carry all the groceries out to the car.

Alone-sex didn’t count. It’s like the difference between thinking to yourself or having a good conversation with someone—-the pleasure is in the exchange.” -Liberty Jones

I have hair on my chest. And it’s purring.

Irony is just honesty with the volume cranked up.

Barzûl!

Virtue should always be colmingled with humor.

I got offended when she laughed, because she was showing pleasure, but she was also showing displeasure—in all the previous moments where she hadn’t laughed.

Write it. Shoot it. Publish it. Crochet it, sauté it, whatever. MAKE.

I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think it’s simply called Job.

The government should either force the population to get healthy, or tax them for not complying. If the people still refuse to shape up, they should be imprisoned. Nothing is healthier for society than more...

Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the Midol.

Something inside me shuts down and I’m too numb to feel anything. It’s like watching complete strangers in another Hunger Games. But I do notice they omit the part where I covered her in flowers.Right....

That’s where I went to buy my last watch.

Yeah, I get that. Johnny Depp came in and fixed my faucet then told me he wanted to try my pizza that would freak me out too. But I’d still make him my freaking pizza.

I was just struggling with my inner vachette and pondering the depths of my own inhumanity.

A whore Ailean may have been, but a loving, caring whore who adored his offspring and mate.

I’m a Skeptic. And I’m a Journalist. I look up things in the library—a lot! I believe in the motto of Missouri, the ‘Show-me, don’t just blow me’ state. I need evidence. I need demonstrations....

Maybe he likes the look of Mae,” Nick drawled.”Don’t be ridiculous.”Nick raised his eyebrows. “Does he like the look of Jamie?

All men have their frailties; and whoever looks for a friend without imperfections, will never find what he seeks.

Compromise is low class. I don’t have anything against the poor, but being low class is the root of all evil

I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best.

I’m male. I have no idea what you females are thinking.

Sir Beldevere: What makes you think she’s a witch? Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt! Sir Beldevere: A newt? Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] … I got better. Crowd: [shouts]...

As Melissa got closer, the taste of school began to foul her mouth.

I am becoming morbidly obese as we speak. So what’s the solution? To stop talking.

Much better.

Oh, for Christ’s sake,’ I hear. ‘Can we please just try to have a good time?’ This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn’t work. I’ve tried it.

Now that I think of it—I don’t know why I would besurprised.

In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.

If I facepalm myself too much, maybe the pimples will go away.

His voice was so gravelly I could drive a truck on it. And I would have, but I came carrying my bicycle.

Huxley: “Tell me something Bryce, do you know the difference between a Jersey, a Guernsey, a Holstein, and an Ayershire?”Bryce: “No.”Huxley: “Seabags Brown does.”Bryce: “I don’t see what that has to do…”Huxley: “What do you...

I’m not sitting around doing nothing. I’m busy petting the cat. Why hasn’t anybody told the philosophers that this is the meaning of life?

I keep my heart in my hope chest. Other items in there are clothes, towels, silverware, and all the love I have to offer my future wife. I must specify that my love is hand...

This social worker lassie turns round n gies us a stroppy look. Ah jist smiles bit she looked away aw fuckin nippy likes. Disnae cost nowt tae be social. A social worker thit cannae be...

There’s a reason why your toes are forward and your heels backward.It means, step on your past with your heels and approach your furute with your toes.

I’ll be 30 in March, and it feels just like yesterday that I thought tomorrow will soon be today.

Islam expect every Muslim to do this duty, and if we realise our responsibility time will come soon when we shall justify ourselves worthy of a glorious past.

Would women find vampires even sexier and more romantic if instead of fangs they had rose thorns? It’s thoughts like these I think of when digging in my garden, looking for my one true love...

My love is a good neighbor—there is a fence around my heart. I’m not cold-hearted, despite having a touch of Frost in there.