You’re funny.’ Phoebe passed me the last chocolate cupcake. ‘And I always thought your friends were laughing over their own farts.”Ninety percent of Eastwood’s male population laughs over their own farts. Present company excluded, naturally.

There’s a new wine I want to try. I heard about it through the grapevine.

You don’t need to windup the wind to keep it going. It’s the same with my erection. All you need is two AA batteries and one I love you.

Octave staggered to his feet, his stick swinging back to point toward Nicholas. He felt a wave of heat and saw spellfire crackle along the length of polished wood, preparing itself for another explosive burst....

Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that.

M.

She’s kidding, Mom.

A Man who has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feeling.

If you’re going to hold a grudge, at least put on an oven mitt before you pick it up.

I am not into nudity on camera, but I would love to wear a banana peel over my penis and eat cat food from a little saucer while you snap off a few pictures of...

That’s rich, coming from you, Hellcat, I would’ve thought it was impossible for a Vampire to get grey hairs until I met you! (Alexander)

All girls are like fishes needing feeding and a net. Trap them lest you are trapped.

I am a jealous husband wife, and I feel your pain. All of it, for all of you.

Anyone can spin a victory, it’s a total loss that demands creativity

There’s a friendly tie of some sort between music and eating.

Coffee, it’s not my cup of tea. Being in love isn’t really my cup of tea either, but when it’s steamy I’ll sip it dutifully.

Seriously. I’m not saying five-star… I’m saying go on Expedia and find a place that actually has stars… any stars.

Every great summer song was recorded the previous winter.

Excruciating agony makes me cranky.

Confession was the emotional equivalent to puking, Riley supposed. Something bad went down, bits of it came back up, you felt better.

The moment was surreal. A sometimes-autistic young man with two identities lecturing a room full of zombies on feelings and realities.

Stars in the night,’ he said. ‘Something something something something, some delight

Should I go up one flight of stairs and then come back down, or should I go down one flight of stairs and then come back up? Same destination, same distance, same amount of work,...

I bought a faucet, but water wasn’t included. That’s like when you buy my love—it’s dirty and used, but soap isn’t included.

Energy equals staff times the speed of life scared.

If we can expect another journey tomorrow, we should secure horses,” Ferrin went on. “And if the sun will be shining, perhaps a goat for Aram.””Keep it up,” Aram dared him through clenched teeth.”Is a...

And forced me to kill my own brother.

Only the good die young, the bad petite-mort

If you don’t make enemies, you’re just not trying.

Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow.

I cross country ski on conveyer belts covered with shaved ice. People trying to check out at the grocery store need to show more respect for serious athletes.

Please don’t die.

People can do great things. However, there are some things they just CAN’T do. I, for instance, have not been able to transform myself into a Popsicle, despite years of effort.

Very easily, Lady Difficult. I find myself quitecharming.

It’s me,” a deep voice rumbled.The hands released me and I turned. There stood Derek, all six foot of him. Maybe it was just the thrill of seeing him, but he looked better than I...

Now, Woolf calls her fictional bastion of male privilege Oxbridge, so I’ll call mine Yarvard. Even though she cannot attend Yarvard because she is a woman, Judith cheerfully applies for admission at, let’s call it,...

You know you’ve drunk too much when you run out of booze. It’s the same with love. Also, I’m drunk.

I make ridiculous like I make damn sure nobody sees me when I do. I make it by hand and then I sell it on Etsy. Buy local.

Motivational Secret of the Week. When the dancing starts, don’t worry about what others will think of you, just get up and leave.

I’m sorry that your mystical, godlike powers do not instantly work as you would like them to.

I put my heart in a paper cup, so she’d be more likely to drink it up.

I’d seriously contemplated a real collar – a sparkly green one – if only because I was sure it would offend his dignity.

Chlamydia, today´s most common cause of venereal disease, does the equivalent of hiding in the police station.Schistosomes of the mansoni type go a step further and essentially steal police uniforms. These parasites, a serious cause...

I’m not a ref, but I assigned her the penalty of clipping, and I told her to drop the scissors and step away from the newspaper ads.

I named my ovaries, too, but they don’t get out as much.

In fact, now you mention the subject, I have been very bad in my own small way.I don’t think you should be so proud of that, though I am sure it must have been very...

I like visiting people in prison. I can say whatever I want to them, and they can’t do anything about it.

I sell Jarod-shaped earplugs that just may plug up the hole in your heart. My earplugs are modeled after a nude Helen Keller.

When I am alone, my table manners are rather piggish, but i suppose that’s because I don’t eat at a table, I eat at my desk. Which could be considered a table, except we tend...

I had a dream about you last week. It was October 31, 2002 and we met at a Halloween party. You came dressed as yourself; I knew you’ve been hiding your true self all this...