We made eyes at each other, and then we made love. We also made other things too, like meatloaf.

If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are dead and rotten, either write things worth reading, or do things worth writing.

MS. THOMPSON, it said in heavy block letters, PLEASE KEEP YOUR FELINE OFF MY PROPERTY. IF I SEE IT AGAIN, I WILL EAT IT.

The conversation was one-sided. She was doing all the talking, and every time I opened my mouth it wasn’t to reply—it was to yawn.

His eyes widened just a bit, his lips flexed. I realized he was trying not to laugh. I hate it when people find my threats amusing.

All that separated our love lives was one wall, and I was peeping through it. I was wearing Tom’s nametag, so why shouldn’t I act like him?

Farmers grow on the land. I suppose farmers grow farmers, rather than using sex to reproduce.

Entomologists use that word ‘foul’ often when referring to the flavor of a caterpillar. They are rarely more specific than ‘foul’ or ‘tasty.’ I expect that is because they are leaving the assessment up to...

We have a whole garage worth of tools — pry bars, tire irons, and even a hammer or two. There’s got to be something better than my torque wrench he could have grabbed.

You must overcome failure to succeed, and champions know how to lose. That’s why I don’t need to win to know that I’m a champion.

Aquello está sobre las brasas de la tierra, en la mera boca del infierno. Con decirle que muchos de los que allí se mueren al llegar al infierno regresan por su cobija.

If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal. I would pour you a large glass of Michael Phelps, but I don’t have that much water.

I made love to a woman on a boat once. It was still on the showroom floor, but the way I rocked it made it feel like the ocean. Ah, but that’s life, no?

To think that Icouldn’t manage it on purpose if I wanted!

Hello smart girl. Would you like to talk to me about Great Expectations?

A feather taped to a vibrator is a tickling machine to induce hunger, and NOT a sex toy. So you won’t have to ask if you see it in my fridge.

The Decision…I wiped my hands on my pinaforenow sullied and stainednot crisp or pressedas it had been before…

Last night I didn’t sleep for a solid eight hours. No, it melted a little. Damn global warming.

My mom is all about risk vs. reward. So for example, if I were to go out on a date and have unprotected sex, the risk/reward would be possible STD for me vs. possible grandchild...

They all laughed when I said I’d become a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.

French name, English accent, American school. Anna confused.

I will call bullshit on that so many times that the word bullshit will lose all meaning. -Milo

Lucian. She’s not normal. She’s got the sex drive of Ursula. I’m so ashamed to say I’ve faked illnesses and gone to the doctor just to have a doctor’s excuse! ~Steve~

I’m going to talk to her.””And how’s that going to go? You’re just going to walk up to her and say, ‘Hey, I know you’ve never seen me before, but I’m your dad. Oh, and...

Not getting laid can be a crippling experience, but then I don’t go looking for sex along the interstate.

I’m going to become a beat poet and a lesbian!

Hey!” I turned, crossing my arms and glaring. “I was talking to him!”Tybalt eyed me with amusement, which just made me glare harder. “No, you were inciting him to stab you with a toothpick. Again,...

But the main reason you should read this is that I don’t see why I should have to know all these terrible, terrible things and you should get off scot free.

Well? Is it true? Did she?””Did she what?””You know. Fall outta the crazy tree and hit every branch on the way down?

You know you’re a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

I used to want to be a missionary, but I don’t believe that’d be the best position for me to be in.

Good news is, we’re annoying him. Bad news is, we’re all going to die painfully.

I’m a writer. I’m a Christian. I like sex. But I haven’t had it. I believe in waiting until marriage. But that doesn’t mean I want my characters to.

If trees had feathers instead of leaves, then they wouldn’t fly, they wouldn’t run, and they’d be my favorite thing to hunt.

Skin color doesn’t make you different,’ Melody said. ‘We’re all the same on the inside.’ ‘The only people who ever say that,’ Raymon replied, ‘are white.

I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I’d have no friends.

We made love like a goat has four legs like a table. If your dining room table can walk, it’s best to eat while sitting in wheelchairs.

If your dreams seem to be drifting away, wake up!

If you are going to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

The only time I like traffic lights turning yellow or red is in the fall.

Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.

It was Valentine’s Day and I had spent the day in bed with my life partner, Ketel One. The two of us watched a romance movie marathon on TBS Superstation that made me wonder how...

We made love like two trees on a breezeless day. Neither one of us moved for hours.

Wintry it ain’t- no complaints! Snowier: Storefronts are showier, light displays glowier. Shoppers are prowling, blizzard howling! Drifts a-heaping, lords a-leaping, Yule logs burning, gifts returning. Winds are keen for 2015!

Go ahead, stick it in my butt.” Love is much more than that. Love is also a logo. I know, because I have it tattooed on my ass.

I’m glad she’s so smitten with her new huntsman boyfriend and all, but venison-wurst? Gag me with a harpsichord.

I haven’t shaved in days. There are literally thousands of peaches waiting for me. I’ve been so busy loving that I haven’t been able to assist the Official Barber of Georgia.

I always have safe sex. I lock the door.

Novels and gardens,” she says. “I like to move from plot to plot.

If you don’t leave room for the unexpected to express itself in your life, you close yourself off from the possibility of miracles.