The lunchmeat fell on the floor, and I didn’t know what to do, so I wiped it off on the bottom of my shoe and served it to my boss. Ah, but that’s life, no?

Pelos ossos de Deus, Tom, o diabo fez um serviço ruim quando trepou com sua mãe.

Adam pressed his hand to his face. Sighed. “Right. It’s just that… He died. And I’m so freaking pissed off, I swear I’d punch him in the face if he were standing right here.

Earwax is nothing more than sound boogers. I’m too congested to hear anything but I love you. Not that I expect you to flick it at me lightly.

It’s fun!” I only hope it didn’t take a government grant to achieve this scientific breakthrough.

I mean, if you had been so kind as to paint me with black and white stripes, I would’ve been a zebra!

If love had its limits, and those limits tasted like lasagna, could you see yourself dating a can of chicken noodle soup? I only ask because I’m in the mood to spoon. After all, I...

Jace snorted so loudly that she turned on him with a frown. He wiggled his mud-caked fingers at her. His nails were black crescents. “Filthy inside and out.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

At night all cats are grey.

Searching through Monster.com while on the clock feels like being on Tinder while still married.

You could start a fire with the heat between you two.””You’re mistaking bitter animosity for heartfelt affection.

I have a “Waiter, there’s a hair in my soup” dance. It involves platform shoes, a mustache, and a hair net.

I love to read. My favorite thing.

When I was laying there in his arms nothing else mattered. My parents, my lack of funds, everything just seemed to melt away as I was lost in his lips”- Bentley Evans

Female Mercenary. This will be a companion on your Tour. She is usually tall, thin and wiry, silent, and neurotic. Sex scares her. This is because she either came from a nunnery or was raped...

Weetzie could see him–it was a man, a little man in a turban, with a jewel in his nose, harem pants, and curly-toed slippers. “Lanky Lizards!” Weetzie exclaimed.”Greetings,” said the man in an odd voice,...

I’ve been very lucky in my life in terms of people who are able to tolerate me.

I don’t eat breakfast, but I do drink it. Coffee, it’s the most important meal of the day.

The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor with adult content.

it never really occurred to her that literary men, if they like women at all, do not want literary women but girls.

There were yogurt-colored clouds that afternoon, and I was there, blotting out your sun with a spoon.

After about eight hours, I lose my focus and all of the sudden I find myself not being able to sleep at all. It’s as if I’ve temporarily lost my skill for laying still and...

Tell the truth, or someone will tell it for you.

Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humor. He will always use it in evidence against you.

If you want to save your child from polio, you can pray or you can inoculate. … Choose science.

Sometimes I worry about this country.

Walking is so monotonous. Left, right, left, right, it’s also all so political.

Love is seeing her smile as if it’s a sunrise. It’s beautiful, but geez, I wish she’d quit grinning at me while I’m trying to sleep.

The Catholic wisdom of the people… provides reasons for joy and humor even in the midst of a very hard life.

I collect the most valuable thing in the world—free time. But unlike other priceless things, I don’t need a safe to keep it safe, because I keep all my free time in the past, where...

It kind of struck me how great it would be to go out with a guy that size. And if you, you know, got tired of dating him, you could always use him as a...

It’s Sanjit. It’s a Hindu name. It means ‘invincible.'””That’s great,” Lana said.”Invincible. I can’t be vinced.””That’s not even a word,” Lana said.”Go ahead: try to vince me,” Sanjit said.

I have a terrible memory; I never forget a thing.

It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression, ‘As pretty as an airport.

I will not let the non-knitters of the world decide how normal I am.

Language is the proper way to communicate, followed closely by five balled up fingers forming a fist and flying at a face. Violence is never the answer—unless the question is: What the fuck are you...

Normal….What the majority of people look, act, and talk and like.So what if the majority became what we see as wierd now?Would our normal, become our new wierd?

That was a very formidable woman,” Caisa said.”I seem to know a good many of those.””And you have a terrible habit of angering them,” she said.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so?There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

Love tip # 29: Increase your chances of getting to second date by not having stinky garlic breath during the end of the first date. Especially if you’re dating a vampire.

If we get a 3D printer at the office, the first thing I’m printing with it is a new 3D printer just for me!

I have a penis like a fire hose, and I’m here to put out the flames of desire.

He has a very nice face and style, really,” said Mrs. Kenwigs.”He certainly has,” added Miss Petowker. “There’s something in his appearance quite–dear, dear, what’s the word again?””What word?” inquired Mr. Lillyvick.”Why–dear me, how stupid...

It’s amazing–my parents call everything a discussion. If I were standing across the street, firing a bazooka at my mother, while my father was launching mortar back at me, and Jeffery was charging down the...

Love is like a beautiful summer day in the middle of winter. I’ve got shorts on, so it seems like a good time to invade Russia.

There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says “Morning, boys. How’s the water?” And the two young...

Has all the trappings of a mystery novel, doesn’t it?

Miss Morland, no one can think more highly of the understanding of women than I do. In my opinion, nature has given them so much that they never find it necessary to use more than...

I’ve got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.