You have to figure that there is something seriously wrong with somebody who wants to enter a profession that deals with whether people are screwing enough. Dealing with spirits, spooks, and demons almost seemed normal.

I like undressing women with my eyes, but I just can’t quite figure out how to unstrap their bras with my eyelids.

I was very close to kissing her. The timing was right, and the mood was right, but the distance of two inches between our two mouths was just too far to traverse in the end.

I don’t know what I expected – no maybe I do, Al Pacino from Scarface- but this drug dealer is more like Al Pacino at the beginning of The Godfather reasonably bemused, untouched by his...

There’s an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is “performing the same action over and over, expecting different results.”… Now, I’m no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush...

I put the anal in analysis. Now don’t you go putting your dick in my work.

Sometimes I hate him. When he does the dishes, he shakes off each one before setting it in the drying rack. Water flies everywhere. A couple of drops always hit me in the face. I...

I need to dig a hole the size of the Grand Canyon to bury all of my problems.

What we have here is a war—the war of matter and spirit. In the classical era, spirit was in harmony with matter. Matter used to condense spirit. What was unseen—the ghost of Hamlet’s father—was seen—in...

Maple thought optimistically that human beings, on their good days, weren’t much dimmer than sheep. Or at least, not much dimmer than dim sheep.

If I can’t suck your milkshake through a straw, it’s not a milkshake–it’s a glass of ice cream.

We’ll meet at the theater tonight. I’ll hold your seat ’til you get there. Once you get there; you’re on your own.

When you stick a song on a tape, you set it free.

My knowledge is mine to use as I see fit. But I’m way too out of shape to see fit.

What what what?” and I didn’t respond because I fell in love with her.

So you’re the guy who did the no-no cha-cha with my baby sister.

To get him to agree, I put a gun to his head. To get him to not change his mind, I blew out his brains.

Consider this a fair warning.

Boxing gloves/oven mitts could be used to fight fires. My uppercut can knock you out cold, like melting ice. Sip it slowly.

He wasn’t my type — my type was more the skinny hipster boys in girl jeans and thick glasses, a.k.a. the first ones to go during the outbreak — but the sight still had me...

You use magic to start the fire.

What you call idiot points, I call awesome dollars. ~Seth

I hate patience. Slows everything down.

If an angry bull is running toward you, and your pants become wet despite holding the red cloth, make sure the other side of the cloth is white.

I didn’t go to the water park because it was raining, and I didn’t want to get wet.

The clouds are like marble in the sky, and I just want to make a kitchen counter out of the atmosphere. I can cook like a flock of birds.

[Hades] returned his attention to the playlist while I eased the car back on the road. His fingers flipped deftly over the screen. ‘Orpheus…Dusk…Orpheus…Dusk…do you have anything on here that doesn’t make people want to...

I thought you were dead.” Magnus smiled crookedly. “What, from that scratch?” He glanced down at the reddening jacket in Alec’s hand. “Okay, a deep scratch. Like, from a really, really big cat.

Okay, other than poets.

The Maker of the universe with stars a hundred thousand light-years apart was interested, furious, and very personal about it if a small boy played baseball on Sunday afternoon.

If you want me, you’d better hurry. Act now, supplies are limited.

Duty has a trick of behaving unexpectedly — something like a heavy friend whom we have amiably asked to visit us, and who breaks his leg within our gates.

Fat One” no matter how great he was, and even though they didn’t know at theirage that Lance Bass was gay outright, they sensed he’d make a better good friend and confidante. As for Justin...

People don’t read anymore. And, when they do, they don’t read books like this one, but instead read books that depress them, because those books are seen as important. Somehow, the Librarians have successfully managed...

I lean on my friends for support. It’s better than leaning on a crutch, because your friends won’t accuse you of chugging down all the water out of the goldfish bowl. My friends know I...

You’d tell the world what your best friend wore to sleep if you thought it made a good enough story.

Stupidity mixed with arrogance mixed with anger mixed with adrenaline is a deadly combination. Just as deadly as adding fries and a soda and making it a combo meal.

I put out the Gary call, but only two Gregs and a Susan came. Oh well, if they don’t want to snuggle, I suppose I’ll just sell my surplus supply.

Never get a mime talking. He won’t stop.

I froze, shocked. (And don’t try to claim that you did anything different the first time a government bureaucrat pulled a gun on you.)

Dr Urbino did not agree: in his opinion a Liberal president was exactly the same as a Conservative president, but not as well dressed.

Sometimes, though, you have to do things for family, even if you’d rather not.

The punishment for misbehaving in hell is a trip to Cleveland. Or maybe making love to the same person for eternity.

Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken!

What doesn’t kill you makes a good story.

Oh, Wax has always been solemn, but when he’s at his best, there’s a smirk underneath.

Networking is like fishing. Just give some beer and a boat and I’ll be in business.

How did you get so wise?

A gentleman, my Lord Father, is such whether he is on earth or on the treetops

You totally need to watch the news.””Can’t.””Why?””It’s too depressing.””Right, because hanging with dead people isn’t.