I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations.

CALVIN:As usual goodness hardly puts up a fight.

Hold it. You know what I’d like to see? I’d like to see the three bears eat the three little pigs, and then the bears join up with the big bad wolf and eat Goldilocks...

Hobbes: Jump! Jump! Jump! I win! Calvin: You win? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world! Aghhh! What a...

Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria!

Some days you get up and you already know that things aren’t going to go well. They’re the type of days when you should just give in, put your pajamas back on, make some hot...

I’m a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family.

Creating a life that reflects your values and satisfies your soul is a rare achievement. In a culture that relentlessly promotes avarice and excess as the good life, a person happy doing his own work...

I have all these great genes, but they’re recessive. That’s the problem here.

Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm’s Thermonuclear League of Liberty. Ms. Wormwood: See...

To invent your own life’s meaning is not easy, but it’s still allowed, and I think you’ll be happier for the trouble.

On gray days, when it’s snowing or raining, I think you should be able to call up a judge and take an oath that you’ll just read a good book all day, and he’d allow...

If you can’t win by reason, go for volume.

You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D’s in school. Well guess what, I get F’s!!!

As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You’ve taught me nothing except how to cynically...

Specifically, I’d like to debate whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders, since it’s less wasteful.

In a culture that relentlessly promotes avarice and excess as the good life, a person happy doing his own work is usually considered an eccentric, if not a subversive.

I say if a novelty Christmas song is funny one time, then it is funny every time. – Calvin

That’s one of the remarkable things about life. It’s never so bad that it can’t get worse.

In the short term, it would make me happy to go play outside. In the long term, it would make me happier to do well at school and become successful. But in the VERY long...

Cigars are all the rage, dad. You should smoke cigars!” – Calvin”Flatulence could be all the rage, but it would still be disgusting.” – Calvin’s mom

Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you’re just a reflection of him?

The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning and inhibit clarity.

Susie: Hi Calvin! Aren’t you excited about going to school? Look at all these great school supplies I got! I love having new notebooks and stuff!Calvin:All I’ve got to say is they’re not making me...

Reality continues to ruin my life.

I like maxims that don’t encourage behavior modification.-Calvin

If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don’t get asked to do it again.

I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.

HOBBES:Virtue needs some cheaper thrills.

Calvin: The more you know, the harder it is to take decisive action. Once you are informed, you start seeing complexities and shades of gray. You realize nothing is as clear as it first appears....

I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.

CALVIN:Our hero regains consciousness at the feet of a sarcastic alien.

Nowadays, ads don’t just sell a product. They sell an attitude! Look at this one! Here’s a cool guy saying nobody tells him what to do. He does whatever he wants and he buys this...

Sometimes when I’m talking, my words can’t keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.

Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess.

I wish I had more friends, but people are such jerks. If you can just get most people to leave you alone, you’re doing good. If you can find even one person you really like,...

You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.

Isn’t it sad how some people’s grip on their lives is so precarious that they’ll embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth?

I don’t think I’d have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I’d known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed.

Years from now, when I’m successful and happy, …and he’s in prison… I hope I’m not too mature to gloat.

I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.

Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer…. Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality...

I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.

Hey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a ‘possum stuck in your collar?

You know, maybe we don’t need enemies.””Yeah, best friends aree about all I can take.

I’m not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

HOBBES:If you don’t get a goodnight kiss you get Kafka dreams.

You know, sometimes the world seems like a pretty mean place.’ ‘That’s why animals are so soft and huggy.

[Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble.] Calvin: Ha! I’ve got a great word and it’s on a “Double word score” box! Hobbes: “ZQFMGB” isn’t a word! It doesn’t even have a vowel! Calvin: It is...

You can present the material, but you can’t make me care.