Stop” as you hold out a stiff arm and just stand there. It might feel like you’re waiting your whole life for that train to stop, and quite possibly you will wait your whole life...

Handsome hero wanted.Brave in the face of certain danger.Must be willing to get naked with other species.At least six-inch penis required.Fee is negotiable.

Even those fortunate ones among us who get sex right don’t necessarily feel compelled to talk about it. For all they know, everybody else is having the same experience. Sex being a naturally private act,...

Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren’t these the same questions as last year’s [physics] final exam?Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different.

Yes, men are pigs. Except your brother, of course. He’s actually a decent human being. Almost a woman.-Jillian’s mother

You make me smile like the sun, fall out bed, sing like a bird, dizzy in my head. Spin like a record crazy on a sunday night. You make me dance like a fool, forget...

I am a leg of the death tripod that will destroy our foes.

A brick could be used to determine whether you are really in love or not. But you’re never going to be able to tell for sure if you try to run the experiment with the...

The wind helps me unwind. I make love like Don Quixote windmilled into history.

A brick is a biographical film in which a young orphan brick from the wrong side of the track grows up to be one of the most important bricks in all brick kind, as it...

Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.

I’ve done this sort of thing before. Not prophecies so much, but you’d be surprised how many people want to realign their ancestral lines to seem nobler, or rewrite their family history to remove more...

Artemis grit her teeth. “I need a favor. I have some hunting to do, alone. I need you to take my companions to Camp Half-Blood.” “Sure Sis!” then he raised his hands in a “stop...

Are you sure you weren’t adopted?””Mom would like to think so, but it was a natural birth, so her memory’s real clear.

Bye,” but to me it means food. Of the greetings, goodbye is the desert.

A brick could be a politician, if you attached strings, taught it to dance, and allowed it to read a teleprompter. Remember: whether it’s Republican or Democrat, it’s still a brick, and it will do...

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

I’m not sure who invented dodgeball, but I can almost guarantee you that it wasn’t the shortest kid in the class.

The three now faced the moving wall. Trapped, like the last fries in a box with a hungry kid ready to pounce. They had no way to escape.

A lot of the world seems to repeat itself

A brick could be used as a weight to keep the cardboard cutout of the Federal Government from blowing over. Well, at least unless a hurricane gets here, which would mean the government knocked down...

Wrap your hand in toilet paper before you meet someone. It’ll change how much people respect you.

Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir. It merely mummifies its corpse.

You must have been going very fast.””I was, until I hit the fence.

Oh, look at that, he’s heard of me. My fame grows.

The ultimate downfall of the computerized holographic receptionist was that there was no amount of flattery, flirtation or chocolate that could convince one to lie for you.

The temperature in the room seems to have gone up about ten degrees. My armpits are sweating and I notice myself vigorously massaging my left hand with my right hand. I am clenching my jaw...

A blanket, no matter how thin, could be sliced thinner, and in this way one blanket could be used to keep a multitude of people warm. But not that warm.

Aside from the fact that you’re not my son, and I’m not a woman, do you think I’m a good mother?

I tossed my shoulders and swaggered away, whistling with pleasure. In the gutter I saw a long cigaret butt. I picked it up without shame, lit it as I stood with one foot in the...

I handed him a beaker and toyed with the pleats of my skirt. The folds kept rippling against my knees in a distracting way. It was one of Naomi’s additions to my wardrobe. I quickly...

Evelyn: There’s nothing wrong with embracing one’s emotions.Brittany: Mom, You don’t just embrace your emotions, you make love to them hard-core.

If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell

[Truman] didn’t want to fight the guy, whatever he was—alien, vampyr or douchebag.

Lovely Arra Sails,nectar to all males,how I’d like to spear you like a whaler spears a whale!

I’ll take a brick in a blanket, hold the ice.” What the bartender started, the Finnish guy finished, and the brick and the blanket thought they’d better to drink elsewhere. * A brick in a...

I suppose half the time Shakespeare just shoved down anything that came into his head.

Say ‘provoking’ again. Your mouth looks provocative when you do.

No. In fact, he was hard to shake. He, uh, stalked me, that kind of thing. I had to pretend he didn’texist.”Nicolai kissed her temple and relaxed against her.

They ought to make it a binding clause that if you find God you get to keep Him.

Rage is a big part of courage. So is cou.

Now, Max, I think we both know your parents aren’t missionaries.”I opened my eyes wide. “No? Well, for God’s sake, don’t tell them. They’d be crushed. Thinking they’re doing the Lord’s work and all.

I’m thinking of moving my cloning factory to someplace less visible, like in front of a fogged mirror.

As Shakespeare says, if you’re going to do a thing you might as well pop right at it and get it over.

Jehovah’s Witness are welcomed into my home…You gotta respect anybody who gets all dressed up in Sunday clothes and goes door-to-door on days so hot their high heels sink a half-inch into the pavement.The trick...

A brick could be used as another brick, as they all look the same. So yes, I am for human cloning as a means to build the future.

Sometimes I think I must have a Guardian Idiot. A little invisible spirit just behind my shoulder, looking out for me…only he’s an imbecile.

My dad used to tell me that laughter was like a cough or a sneeze – the body’s way of trying to expel something. But instead of some phlegm in your throat, or some dust...

Listen, street punk. You’re a guy, and you’re a couple inches taller, and maybe forty pounds heavier, and ooh, you’re in a gang. But I’ve survived ten years of Catholic school, and I will cut...