To a Vase”How do I break thee? Let me count the ways.I break thee if thou art at any heightMy paw can reach, when, smarting from some slight,I sulk, or have one of my crazy...

Marriage would change hardly anything between us, except that we would end our arguments in a much more satisfying way. And of course I would have extensive legal rights over your body, your property, and...

Like I live with my clone: with many pats on the back, accompanied by high flattery.

A brick could be renamed something clever and cute, like President, and repackaged and resold to a solid base of sheep consumers every four years. The sheeple will never even notice that every new model...

Some things are fairly obvious when it’s a seven-foot skeleton with a scythe telling you them

Many moral advances have taken the form of a shift in sensibilities that made an action seem more ridiculous than sinful, such as dueling, bullfighting, and jingoistic war. And many effective social critics, such as...

As my father always used to tell me, ‘You see, son, there’s always someone in the world worse off than you.’ And I always used to think, ‘So?

If I had all the money in the world, I’d love seeing my name on billboards, buildings, and battleships. The only thing I wouldn’t like seeing my name on would be a credit card. Especially...

I don’t think Harry cares about being forgiven,” Poppy said glumly.”Of course he does. Men love to be forgiven. It makes us feel better about our inability to learn from our mistakes.

A blanket could be used to wrap up all the love I have to offer you, so it’ll be easier for you to carry it across the desert. You’d better get walking, because me and...

A brick could be used as a PRA, or Person Replacement Apparatus. Just give the brick a name, start talking to it, and before you know it you’ve got a friend for life. Say, do...

It’s not that there is more stupidity. It just has more intrusive ways of presenting itself. It used to be, you could be near an idiot and you wouldn’t know it. With today’s advances, that’s...

I’m afraid to see a psychiatrist about the voices in my head. She might know who they are.

But I think I scraped off most of the burned part,” she would add, overlooking that this included every bit of it that had once been flesh. Happily, all this suited my father. His palate...

Orange juice so fresh it’s like a straw in an apple. Change for a twenty? Five fives, if you’ve got them.

I’d eat a picnic in Hades with him.

I might be 30 years old, but a girl never outgrows the need for her mother.

A brick could be used to make the world safer for our children. Well, not our children, as I don’t actually have any kids—but certainly your children. Skeptical? A brick could better protect your children...

The figures looked more or less human. And they were engaged in religion. You could tell by the knives (it’s not murder if you do it for a god).

I don’t lie to you,” Alan said. “I lie WITH you.”Sin stopped looking up at him from under her eyelashes and burst out laughing.Alan went red. “So I’ve just realized how that come out. Uh.

A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.

Enjoying a cup of coffee and a good book, is there anything better? Only if literature were liquid and drinkable.

Walking into a bookshop is a depressing thing. It’s not the pretentious twats, browsing books as part of their desirable lifestyle. It’s not the scrubby members of staff serving at the counter: the pseudo-hippies and...

My clones just honored me with the 2012 Man of the Year Award. But I wasn’t fooled—I knew they were really honoring themselves.

A blanket could be used as Concealment Revealer. It both conceals and reveals, like great dialogue. Here’s some great dialogue I wrote for two characters, Mr. Brick, and Ms. Blanket: Mr. Brick: I like your...

There were only three times in your life when it was proper to come through the front door, and you were carried every time.

Presenting a rational argument to a person who has forsaken the use of reason is like asking a vegetarian to eat a cheeseburger.

I try to make my comments like a woman’s skirt: long enough to be respectable and short enough to be interesting.

It’s best to locate the mind first before launching the ‘missiles of contention’.

Now, there are things I like just fine about church, and I don’t just mean making money. The notion of getting together as a community to remind ourselves why we shouldn’t behave like animals is...

If I were deaf, I’d wear loud clothing. My clothes would also be covered in coffee stains, because Helen Keller is my hero.

You know…acting like a dick…won’t make yours any bigger.

Pride is all very well, but a sausage is a sausage.

Look deep into your own eyes so you may see your greatness and recognize the gifts that you were uniquely placed on this planet to learn from, to share, and to teach.

They say that if you’re good at something, never do it for free. But who would pay me to make bad jokes?

What’s a feminist?” Julie asked.”Someone who thinks women are fish,” Barton replied. He was smiling at Lily. “And that men are bicycles, which makes us basically useless to anyone of the fish persuasion. But it...

The only reason I’m friends with any of you is because I outgrew the von Trapps, one annoying Austrian at a time.

A brick could be exchanged for a bar of gold. But be sure you wait until the owner of the gold isn’t looking before you make the switch.

A brick could be used in the same manner as a magician’s hat could be used as a basketball. I’m not suggesting a brick replace a basketball, because that’d be silly. But not as silly...

Well, Hell was worse, of course, by definition. But Crowley remembered what Heaven was like, and it had quite a few things in common with Hell. You couldn’t get a decent drink in either of...

No. No, I’m fine. It’s not blood. The militiamen were adjusting Sir Lewis’s trebuchet, and there was a mishap. You took a melon for me.” She smiled, even though her lips trembled.

He who laughs last … just didn’t get the joke.

I didn’t have time to grow out a beard, so I glued a wig on instead. I make love like a hare in a tortoise shell.

It was Nathaniel’s boundless capacity for stating the obvious that made him so charmingly human.

A blanket could be used to represent the Rectangle of Desire. In nine out of ten cases, it was more effective than Viagra. The tenth case was found to contain a lot of cash, and...

A brick could be used to balance work and play. Just place the brick on the top of your head, and don’t let it drop. This will ensure you don’t play too hard—or work too...

Gossiping’s part of witchcraft,’ said Tiffany. ‘They’re checking to see if they’ve gone batty yet.

It’s lonely up in the top

There is only one amount of money – just not enough.

I’ve got a lot of love to give you. And by you I mean your clone.