Kill all the prisoners, because they’re costing us too much money. Wait! No, kill all the politicians, because they’re spending too much money.

I tried to mug a wealthy man, but was unsuccessful because I was out of coffee cups. I wish I was less poor and more pour.

If possible, try to avoid pushing each other over the edge, as that would cause me extra paperwork.

Her sleep was enlivened by several dreams. One where Professor Wanstead’s bushy eyebrows fell off because they were not his own eyebrows, but false ones. As she woke again, her first impression was that which...

If you’re a cannibal, an Olympic sprinter would be considered fast food.

If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.

I do.

I invented an invisible machine to help you get to sleep. It only works after your eyes stay shut for a length of time. It’s also so quiet that you won’t hear it.

But if you don’t remember me, that means I can reuse all my old jokes…!

When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.

Maybe one day I could fly all over the world and meet other interesting birds.

Environmentalists generally object to battery-powered devices and for good reason: batteries require mined minerals, employ manufacturing processes that leak toxins into local ecosystems and leave behind an even-worse trail of side effects upon disposal. Though...

Let’s all roll up our sleeves and get back to work. Or let’s create jobs where other people roll up other people’s sleeves, so these other people can get to work helping other people get...

I sprained my ankle. I was asleep at the time. I rest restlessly.

Apparently, dancing for him and throwing herself at him weren’t enough. Apparently, she had to nearly commit murder to arouse him enough to attack her.

Sip tea and coffee with those who say you can, politely stuff with cookies any who say you cannot. Because the stuff they are feeding you, be it the latter,looks strangely a bit like the...

The secret to humor is surprise.

I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.

Bricks are independent but can work well with other, tough to crack, fiercely loyal and put in the right spot will hold anything and everything that you’ve ever held dear with the greatest of ease.

What you’d call stealing, I’d call a mistake. Or, if I were a politician, I’d call it an opportunity, and my privilege.

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.

While Maddox now believed the demon did not want to hurt Ashlyn, he wasn’t willing to take a chance. He would talk about flowers and moonbeams – he cringed – if it meant maintaining this...

The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away.

I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.

I had a dream about you. You were on a bike going 70 miles an hour, I could see you approaching my car in the mirror. You were trying to say something so, I jumped...

While McMurphy laughs. Rocking farther and farther backward against the cabin top,spreading his laugh across the water. Laughing at the girl,at the guys, at George,at me sucking my bleeding thumb, at the captain back at...

A finger point plus a thumb’s up is a handgun. Don’t worry, it’s not loaded. Now the mashed potatoes, they’re loaded. Dangerously delicious.

I want to find myself as a person, and I’ve enlisted the help of my clone to aid me in this. It’s like finding Waldo, except I’m only half wearing the red and white sweater,...

You’re tough when you need to be, and you can charm the pants off men who have three times your experience. Well, yes. Although I try not to take advantage of that too often. Very...

Of all the crap, crap, crappy nights I’ve ever had in the whole of my crap life. On a scale of one to 10, we’re talking…a minus 6. And it’s not like I even have...

Soak blanket in gravy and make a delicious brick wrap. Serve in All Gravy Room at the Mandrake Hotel.

I’m so shy I make Bigfoot look like a socialite. Networking’s not a mystery to me—but I’m mythical to networking.

Rich children are always blond, Jocelyn goes. It has to do with vitamins.

If our limbic system betrays our true intentions, and it’s beyond our conscious control, then only a fool would consider lying a wise course of action. Politicians are full of such wisdom.

It’s a shiny tin can of a day, bright but gray. Welcome to one of Florida’s two overcast days per year. A Florida winter can last a brutally long 48 hours, and in that time...

Billy Pilgrim had a theory about diaries.Women were more likely than men to think that their lives had sufficient meaning to require recording on a daily basis. It was not for the most part a...

Oh, what a lovely owl!” Cried the Wart.But when he went up to it and held out his hand, the owl grew half as tall again, stood up as stiff as a poker, closed its...

Years from now, when I’m successful and happy, …and he’s in prison… I hope I’m not too mature to gloat.

I have been meditating on the very great pleasure which a pair of fine eyes in the face of a pretty women can bestow.’ Miss Bingley immediately fixated her eyes on his face, and desired...

From my earliest years I had always wanted to be a writer. It was not that I had any particular message for humanity. I am still plugging away and not the ghost of one so...

I Voted” sticker on it, so perhaps it’s as disgusted with politics as politicians are disgusting.

The ultimate dead end is murder. My house is on a dead-end street, and it’s killing me. My house is so small it’s trying to suffocate me.

A brick could be used to show you how much I love you. Well, maybe not a whole brick, but certainly a half a brick would be an accurate measure for the amount of love...

Also unfortunately, Congress is far too busy asking if baseball players are really as strong as they seem and trying to choke bankers with wads of cash to grant more funds to such trifling matters...

I raise my head and see a red illuminated EXIT sign and as my eyes adjust I see tigers, cavemen with long spears, cavewomen wearing strategically modest skins, wolfish dogs. My heart is racing and...

My friends call me Two Socks Kintz. They used to call me Barefoot Orafoura, but then someone gave me some socks. That was mighty kind of them.

Lord Emsworth belonged to the people-like-to-be-left-alone-to-amuse-themselves-when-they-come-to-a-place school of hosts

A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.

We agreed to meet at 4. I meant AM and she meant PM, so we both just stood around thinking we’d been stood up.

A blanket could be used to help my career. Things have gone cold in this economic depression, so anything to help warm things up would be most welcomed.