(…)best of luck, avoid roasted cabbage, don’t eat earwax, and look on the bright side of life!

I love petting trees. Especially if they are fir trees. Single lovers should be good with their hands. I admire Bigfoot.

Chubi, rhymes with booby, which you don’t have, or doodie, which your face looks like,” she said smugly, leaning back and making her chair squeak.

There’s cat feces in my Batman costume, and all the lines in my screenplay were snorted by the neighborhood cokehead. Ah, but that’s life, no?

People are so particular. Unlike animals, which can be lions, eagles, or sharks, people are only people. (Though some people can easily be mistaken for animals—namely politicians.)

Remember, man does not live on bread alone: sometimes he needs a little buttering up.

I’m not obliged to defend your dignity. Provided you have any.

[On famous Nobel Laureate Niels Bohr][Niels] Bohr’s sort of humor, use of parables and stories, tolerance, dependence on family, feelings of indebtedness, obligation, and guilt, and his sense of responsibility for science, community, and, ultimately,...

In the off chance I’ll be turned on, I keep a light switch in my pocket. (Who turned off the light in my pocket? Oh yeah, my erection.)

Simplicity may be simple, but like complexity it requires linguistic precision, and may therefore call for relatively obscure expressions at times.

My workout partner is a cat. We nap together. He spots me a place, and keeps it warm, and then as soon as I spot him I go to him and cuddle.

That water supply is lost revenue for my city’s utility company. The rain that falls on my neighbor’s land is city water, and whether they collect it in barrels or wastefully let it seep into...

Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are a subject to a good many different ailments, but I have never heard of one who has suffered from insomnia.

Best to flee now, before the pitchforks and torches and scientists come calling.

Aw, Sophronia, how thoughtful. You brought me a present!

Silence is equality.” I’m sure the deaf would agree too.

sobbing like a girl,” I guess so.

Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar with laughter. “That’s what you get for leaving your wallet on the kitchen table.

I make love like a flower sings. That’s hyperbole, because flowers don’t sing—they only play the guitar.

I had a very funny and depressing talk with my seventy-four-year-old mother. I decided, she doesn’t have a bucket list – she has a kick-the-bucket list.

The point I was trying to make before you interrupted with your inventoryof my personality is that neither of us is going to be able to stay celibate for the next six months.”She dropped her...

We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!

We both tried to speak at the same time, and ended up remaining silent the whole night. That’s when I realized we were in love.

Today I tried to pick up something I was standing on. It didn’t work out well.

Forty-two!” yelled Loonquawl. “Is that all you’ve got to show for seven and a half million years’ work?” “I checked it very thoroughly,” said the computer, “and that quite definitely is the answer. I think...

In the interview I was told that I’d be replacing Robert, who was a robot. The company thought they could save some money and automate the front desk position, because they didn’t have to pay...

The parasail’s winch turned, winding up the line, pulling Ally and Serena lower and closer to him in a steady pull. A funny feeling seized him as he watched her. Logically, he knew she kept...

Think I have made a terrible mistake going to college. Have decided to become a shepherd and spend my days tending to flocks of goats

Abignades or abegnadesA term used in te department of the Landes for the intestines of a goose cooked in its blood. Abegnades are found almost solely in the chalosse region, where they are eaten on...

Don’t tell me your name. If you don’t tell me your name, I can’t hurt your feelings by forgetting it.

I used to jog but it’s bad for the knees. Too much beta carotene turns you orange, too much calcium gives you kidney stones. Health kills.

I’m selling cat fur by the pound. It’s brand new—never been petted. (Meows sold separately).

I thought the movie was too short to pay for, and too long to be free. But I’d watch it again, if I were wearing a blindfold and stuffed in the trunk of a car....

It’s the only way anything will change. Because we are both mother and child, cause and effect, villain and victim

Hindi ako naniniwala sa fate, destiny at soul mates. Ang mundo ay binubuo ng mga pangyayaring random na kaganapan. Bahala ka sa buhay mo.

Dearest creature in creation,Study English pronunciation.I will teach you in my verseSounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.I will keep you, Suzy, busy,Make your head with heat grow dizzy.Tear in eye, your dress will tear.So...

Does it help if we’re so strong-willed, stubborn, ambitious, and selfish that we always overcome everything in our way no matter what?” asked Wang-mu.”I think those are the pertinent virtues, yes,” said Peter.”Then let’s do...

Is a picture really worth a thousand words? What thousand words? A thousand words from a lunatic, or a thousand words from Nietzsche? Actually, Nietzsche was a lunatic, but you see my point. What about...

I had a dream about you. You were washing your car, and I was washing my horse. You thought I belonged in the 19th century, and I thought you belonged in a zoo. I wasn’t...

Nobles with competent fathers perhaps. I spent my formative years at my aunt’s at Huffington Manor. She held a daily salon, where a dozen noble ladies came to discuss all manner of philosophical topics, like...

Zip it kiddo. Don’t ever admit you know a thing about cooking or it’ll be used against you later in life.

…socialism had somehow made time more flexible. There were often situations when 1 PM and 5 PM were interchangeable.

Um…Mercer? Haven’t seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, ‘Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my loins, how I’ve longed–

I want to win an award that doesn’t exist yet. Well, I want my clone to win it, and that’s almost the same thing—and he also doesn’t exist yet, so it’s perfect.

In seeking to severely penalize criminals society by putting the criminals away behind safe walls actually provide them with the means of greater strength for future atrocities glorious and otherwise.

The man once wrote: Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Tolkien had that one mostly right.I stepped forward, let the door bang closed, and snarled,...

I know, I know. I was there, remember?” I love my husband, but he’s such an Aquarian. Ask him the time, and he’ll tell you how to make the watch.

An Unbreakable Vow?” said Ron, looking stunned. “Nah, he can’t have…. Are you sure?””Yes I’m sure,” said Harry. “Why, what does it mean?””Well, you can’t break an Unbreakable Vow…””I’d worked that much out for myself,...

Erik Satie died on July 1, 1925; his last words were ‘Ah, the cows…

My father sacrificed his life for our family when I was growing up. He was one of the bravest, wisest, and most unselfish goats I have ever known, and I will miss his cheese dearly.