This is the funniest book I’ve ever held in my hands. –Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical

Can America get back to a point where politicians are honest? Not unless that point is the tip of a sword.

Today someone asked me if that old stereotype about hot-headed Italians is true. I answered this way: About 2,000 years ago, there was a guy running around hollering about peace & love … and we...

Explanations exist; they have existed for all time; there is always a well-known solution to every human problem—neat, plausible, and wrong.

I had a dream about you. You were the lead guitarist in a band with no voice, and you were holding auditions for lead singer. Everybody in line in front of me and behind me...

Oh my!! How you’ve grown. Soon you’ll be catching the Lord’s balls.

Nothing says I love you like the gift of a half-eaten candy bar. I ate my half two weeks before I remembered to give it to her.

It’s impossible for me to applaud your successes when my hands are too busy patting myself on the back. But if I clap for you, and you pat my back, we can both feel like...

I should think a dead language would be rather boring, sociallyspeaking.

They’ll torture you for months before killing you if you run” Otis shrugged, as if this was an everyday occurrence.

Her name is Brienne,” Jaime said. “Brienne, the maid of Tarth. You are still maiden, I hope?”Her broad homely face turned red. “Yes.””Oh, good,” Jaime said. “I only rescue maidens.

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying ‘flee at once – all is discovered.’ They all left town immediately.

If politicians lived to be only 30-years-old before dying, that’d still be 30 years too long.

I went to a potluck. I brought my own pot—and luck. The pot was empty, just like my promise to bring food the next time.

They said you can’t go to the moon. They said you can’t put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

Some people say he engineered his own arrest to gain an insight into modern methods of policing for a thriller he had planned. But you know what happens to artistic rats in prison: they have...

The Beast Lord walked out of the warehouse. The screen went dark.My knight in furry armor.Saiman opened his mouth. “This is why I didn’t. Personally, I think your smile is inappropriate.

She needs you, Dad,” Julia says. “She has unfinished business in this world.””What is the matter with you?” Charlie asks his daughter. “Any sane person would have told me to go to the doctor. I’m...

I don’t want to step on anybody’s toes, particularly not mine. Especially not when I am dancing alone.

Leave me with my leftover meatloaf and my Yesterday Sandwich. I’ll be in love tomorrow, if you come back with the ketchup.

Congress should make it so that all sex scenes in all films should be provided with a screaming baby sound track. That should help take away all the fun and may show a major decrease...

I had a dream about you. You were drinking apple juice, and I was drinking horse piss, though the spectators in the stadium couldn’t tell who was drinking what, even though one million dollars for...

I’ve changed my mind, Tory. This is the perfect place to hold someone prisoner. I’m keeping this on file.

I told the tree it was going nowhere in life. It was hurtful, but true. Now, maybe in death it will go somewhere, as furniture.

I fed her a placebo, a sugar pill, and then tried to sugarcoat the truth. The truth was I was lying when I said I loved her. Oh, I it was true I loved her,...

Total non-retention has kept my education from being a burden to me.

She never saw the point of making fun of strangers – how could you possibly know enough about them to hit below the belt?

It would be, like all of Pammy’s parties, hot and crowded and filled with impossibly glamorous people with hip bones so sharp they could qualify as concealed weapons.

A fish called Gilbert. But I just call him Gil to save some breath, so I can spend more time underwater petting him like I used to do to grandpa before he drowned.

Feeling depressed? Lift your chin up, pull your shoulders back, raise your arms, walk with a spring in your step, smile, and very soon your spirits will rise, just like your posture. It works. My...

If I could fly, I would soar all the way up to the window of a plane carrying a suitcase in my hand, then I’d motion toward the plane’s door and make an annoyed face...

I fell in love with a beautiful girl, got her pregnant, and then I got married. I wonder whatever happened to that beautiful girl I got pregnant.

At eleven, Kate woke Jake up when she went searching in the cooler for juice.”You know, you used to be peaceful,” he grumbled.”I can’t believe you were ever married.” Kate said, as she cracked the...

My favorite unit of time is the hour, because I collect them and store as many as 10 new and unused ones each night to use after I’m dead. The best time to make love...

A quick smile, a nod of recognition, a hearty laugh, these are the sorts things you can do to make people feel welcomed as you keep them locked up in your torture dungeon.

I often think publishing a book is like doing a poo. Once it’s ready for the world, you have to relinquish that control and let nature take its course. A few will be impressed by...

His clothes were clean, but his mustache was dirty. He must have used it as a brush to scrub his pants. I’ll bet his coffee tastes like freedom.

Why is it so sexy when hot guys stare each other down like that? Why do I feel like licking the air? Am I ovulating?

My ex girlfriend and I, we had chemistry together. And right after that, we had biology.

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

Music is inaudible to deaf people, just as dancing is invisible to me.

People with disabilities are sometimes very humble and approachable, if you want a seasoned reputation, then behave like one of the handicaps.

My #love stories have happy endings, because I stop the tales before dejection, dementia, and death occur.

If I fail to succeed, I have succeeded in failing.

A brick could be traded for a soon-to-be abandoned baby. Let’s build a better future together.

I had a dream last night I was awake through the pregnancy but I fell asleep at birth when I awoke I was Pinocchio and stuck inside a tree, does that mean I don’t have...

For chocolate’s sake!

By all accounts Rafe’s life had been shattered by the loss of his brother Peter. But whereas she turned away from drink when Draven died, Rafe had simply upended a barrel of brandy on his...

The country with the most writers is ironically probably the country with the least readers—USA. And once my parents die, my entire reading base will disappear.

Goddammit! How does the world keep spinning with women on the planet?”Ian St. John in THE POMPEII SCROLL