She ran into the bathroom and powdered her face and the front of her dress, drew a surrealistic version of a mouth beneath her nose, and dashed into her bedroom to find a coat.

Mama has such cleverly timed headaches I wonder if she has any at all.

Well, I see you won. The fruit won’t be going anywhere anytime soon. Maybe the apples. Those look like they need some more killing.

He laced his hands behind his neck and propped his boots on the opposite arm of the sofa. If an artist were to capture this image, it would have been labeled,Smugness: A Portrait. She wanted...

I have two masters: laziness and ambition. Laziness is muscular, and ambition is brainy. When the two masters fight it out, guess who wins? That’s right, the slaves do.

I ejaculate confidence. My self-esteem might impregnate you.

Among the dragons, the prohibition against asking direct questions did not exist, and-as Harrier discovered immediately-dragons were even more outrageous gossips than sailors.

Hey, our hair’s the same color,” I said, eying us side by side in the mirror.”Sure is, girlfriend.” Eric grinned at me.

I’ve been to a horse farm, a magical place where jockeys grow on trees. That’s where we made love for the first time like it was the second time.

Songwriting is a bitch. And then it has puppies

Renaldo once made a sex tape, and even fully erect, he still had to shoot it four times just to get some “footage.

Guttenberg didn’t write the Bible—he just printed it. Gideon didn’t write the Bible—he just placed it into every nightstand in every hotel. And Orafoura doesn’t appear in the Bible—though he may have disappeared into it.

I mean, it’s just sex. It’s simple biology, right? You build up tension and stress– you need to open a valve somewhere and let it out, or you’ll explode. Nothing deep and emotional about it,...

I sorted my sordid sort ofs from my maybes. Then I made love like never before. Seriously, I’d never made love before, and I have to say, it didn’t cost me as much money as...

There are any number of magical creatures, mostly female, whose singing can bring about horror and death. Sirens, undines, banshees, Bananarama tribute bands…

I drink hot coffee in the summer, and iced coffee in the winter. I’m a contrarian, and contrary to popular belief I’m not a sellout. I rent.

Blood is like water, to a vampire. And coffee is like blood, to a tired mosquito. And my love is like an itch—and a scratch.

If I got upset every time someone beat me, or chased me, or tried to rape me, I’d be crying in my cereal every morning. No one likes a whiner.

You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.

What is pink, blurry, and always leaving when you’re arriving? Love.

Are you sleepwalking?’ A voice asked behind me. “I was testing dorm security,” I said. “It sucks.

Anything that doesn’t take years of your life and drive you to suicide hardly seems worth doing.

I keep a fish in each pocket, and one in my left shoe, so I don’t drown in your love.

My family tree spreads wide as well. I am a great ape, and you are a great ape, and so are chimpanzees and orangutans and bonobos, all of us distant and distrustful cousins.I know this...

Well, I’m not kissing the mundane,” said Jace. “I’d rather stay down here and rot.””Forever?” said Simon. “Forever’s an awfully long time.”Jace raised his eyebrows. “I knew it,” he said. “You want to kiss me,...

We’ll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers.

You used nunchucks on a moose?”Wolfe got a haunted look in his eyes. “I used all sorts of things on that bastard.

I’m so tired I could drink a cup of coffee as deep as the Grand Canyon. But I couldn’t take the first sip, because I’m too afraid of heights to get close to the lip.

Sarcasm is when you tell someone the truth by lying on purpose.

An uncomfortable marriage can not bear the strain of the death of a beloved donkey.

There’s no need to clarify my finger snap,” said Magnus. “The implication was clear in the snap itself.

I love her like a major holiday. You know, not enough people celebrate the joy that is Tax Season, with the High Holy Day coming on April 15th.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I want to start a band called the Band-Aids. Free coffee for all who come to our show. We’d perform for the deaf and the asleep.

When she told me to sit down, I didn’t know where I stood with her. Ah, love—it’s like a chair. It’s always sitting, yet standing on its legs.

Be kind to everyone, everyone is going through something

it’s okay if college isn’t your thing. I’m sure there’s a pole somewhere with your name on it, but next time you might not want to buy your tits off Craig’s List. Just sayin’.

Thinking ahead is like remembering the future. How about that time we made love? I’ll bet it will be amazing.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

Ask the police, and they’ll tell you I have a mug shot. They watched me take the picture before drinking the coffee out of the mug.

Writer’s Block is just an excuse by people who don’t write for not writing.

The dead know everything but they don’t give a damn.

I’m sure Will’s tried,” said Jessamine in a bored tone.

A woman wants all the men to love her, and a man wants to love all the women. And as for me, I just want to be a shepherd, though not for sexual purposes.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man”.

edit,” people will slow down and scour my words for errors. Did it wrok?

I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the...

So this is what men are like. Well, that’s it, then – I am going to be a lesbian.

You’re amazing,” she whispered hoarsely.He pushed back the hair from her face. “You too.””How? All I do is let you play me like a piano.”He chuckled. “You’ve got a great keyboard.

The passenger door was wide open, nobody was around, and a purse was inside. Was this a trap? It seemed too good to be true. Temptation overtook me, so I reached in the car, popped...