Zombies can’t believe the energy we waste on nonfood pursuits.

If someone like this were to like me, to like my comedy, and to like the way I conduct myself professionally, it would mean that I suck as a person.

I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out of me with steel pipes.

People will find transformation and transcendence in a McDonald’s hash brown if it’s all they’ve got.

I’ve been very lucky in my life in terms of people who are able to tolerate me.

I had to go back and reread the page a few times. As I read it, I kept drifting out of the book, out of the booth, and coasting on the green crest of the...

I want to experience as many different tastes, sights, emotions, conflicts, and cultures as possible, so that I can expand the canvas of my memory and enrich my comedy.

hobos’ (a slang term that combines the words ‘hope’ and ‘bowl of beans given to me for free by a woman who then initiated intercourse’)