The next visit I paid to Nancy Brown was in the second week in March: for, though I had many spare minutes during the day, I seldom could look upon an hour as entirely my...

My heart beats to the rhythm of the windshield wipers. I’d better never drive in the desert, unless I want to die. Our relationship has one too many cactuses in it to be deserving of...

The longer and more carefully we look at a funny story, the sadder it becomes.

I shit bricks, because I’m a constructive pooper.

The girl who did my oil change was so sexy that after she was done, I drove nonstop 2500 miles one way, just so I could immediately turn around and drive back with a reason...

A woman has to look good, but a man—a little bit nicer looking than a monkey is enough.

Nobody think about that broken heart… life goes on, broken heart never join together but it tries very hard to get joined again. That;swhy may be it said “Heart is like a mirror, if its...

It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.

What is life without death? That’s like asking what is peanut butter without jelly? Or a baseball game on TV and changing the channel? Or government without taxes? Actually, I like those last two.

Going to take it up as a hobby?

A blanket could be used as a tablecloth, and a brick left as a tip.

I cried during my wedding, but my wife did not. That’s natural, because I was losing my freedom, and she was gaining a slave.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Ignorance is not linear, it’s exponential.

But Piglet is so small that he slips into a pocket, where it is very comfortable to feel him when you are not quite sure whether twice seven is twelve or twenty-two.

Of Course!: Helping the Oblivious Realize the Obvious.” Nobody showed up to class, probably because the time and location weren’t obvious enough.

I don’t see why ogling same-sex kissing should be the exclusive domain of frat boys whacking off to lesbian action, that’s so sexist. Feminism should be all inclusive- it should be about sexual liberation, equal...

Literary detection and firearms don’t really go hand in hand; pen mighter than the sword and so forth.

I had a dream about you. A stadium full of children in glowing white robes were singing your name like little angels, and I wondered who you were to be deserving of such praise. Then...

Before we go, I gotta know: If mind-reading abilities are real, there’s something else I wondered if fiction got right about vampires-“”Ask me if I sparkle and I’ll kill you where you stand,” Bones cut...

Pleasure to meet you, Prince Larden. The name is Lady Thaddea from House of Wright.” “Yeah, I think I remember you, by the other name. You once kicked my royal ass.””Oh, so you decide we...

Everything is, the way it is, for a reason. Or it isn’t. Or neither. Or both. It’s so hard to tell. It’s so hard to tell you’re a mile away by the Luke in your...

Certain people, people who are certain, are always wrong—and that itself is certainly wrong because it’s always always.

You told me I was the best sex you’d ever had in your life…You couldn’t get enough…At one point you were so loud I thought sure hotel security was going to beat down the door.

If the government really wanted to stimulate the economy, it should distribute Viagra and coffee.

I had a dream last night I was on tinder and all the picks were me in make up I was like she’s hot I’d do her. I just walked into my therapist office.

bad guy” anymore, he’s the BAD GUY!

There are two Venices I know about and one of them is a hotel in Vegas. The other is an L.A. beach where pretty girls walk their dogs while wearing as little as possible and...

They say revenge is a dish best served cold. This isn’t correct. Revenge is a dish best served lukewarm or at room temperature (depending on the room) with a side of sauerkraut lightly sprinkled with...

He said he thinks he’s God, and I said, In that case, I’m an atheist.

But this room looked like it had been decorated by the unholy lovechild of Barbie and Strawberry Shortcake.

I saw a nipple and I got an erection. It was a man’s nipple, and I was standing alone in front of a mirror.

I’m the Director of Redundancy. I’m also the Director. I make love like I make love, and that is why I am the Director of Redundancy.

Hell’s holy stars and freaking stones shit bells.

Well,” he said, “I think we’ve found our way in. We just wait until they’re duking it out, but trust me, these Humans First types don’t have a lot of staying power or they’d have...

THE NEXT DAY WAS RAIN-SOAKED and smelled of thick sweet caramel, warm coconut and ginger. A nearby bakery fanned its daily offerings. A lapis lazuli sky was blanketed by gunmetal gray clouds as it wept...

I sell Ziploc bags. They’re not empty—they’re full of hope.

So what is it really like? What happens when people die?” Noor asks Alice Bhatti, who after finishing her shift has changed into a loose maxi and is lying down on a wheelie stretcher, her...

The other thing you can do is write a strong personal essay which lets admissions people inside your life, your heart, and your world….Anyway, it can be hard to figure out what to write about,...

Watching two cows have sex is the most magical experience at Cereal Land.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

That’s when it happens. Maybe it was my argument. Maybe it was my scary zeal. Whatever the reason, as soon as Megan whistles, the crowd is on its feet.They’re blowing bubbles. They’re raising their lighters...

…human history is full of depressing things like colonization, disease, racism, sexism…inventions of things which they had no idea how to handle (the atomic bomb, the Internet, the semicolon)….And through it all there has always...

Love is a winding mountainous road. Do you have an extra unicycle and handlebar mustache I can borrow?

Having kids and making kids are two different hobbies. I don’t have any children, but I do have lots of sex. It is an expensive hobby, but well worth the money I spend on it.

Goose neck is a delicacy. You have to at least try it. In fancy restaurants people pay up to fifty dollars a plate for this stuff.’ And at our house we were force-fed it for...

Ah, Morganville. Where dressing to hide blood stains was just good daily planning.

You kids were all planned, you were just planned really, really quickly.

I’m hungry to win. I should enter a hotdog eating contest.

No, that’s easy, too. I just choose not to practice it.