I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.

For me, boviscopophobia (=the morbid fear of being seen as bovine) is an even stronger motive than semi-agoraphobia for staying on the ship when we’re in port.

Arya did not dare [take a bath], even though she smelled as bad as Yoren by now, all sour and stinky. Some of the creatures living in her clothes had come all the way from...

You need to be more careful, or you could hurt yourself.”Right. Thank you, Mrs. Detweiler. I never would have come to that conclusion by myself. I was planning on incorporating a backflip into my next...

If I was in deep shit with Lilian before, I was snorkeling at the waste treatment plant now.

A lot of men tend to want “models.” I tell men unless they look like a model themselves, they can’t expect to land one.

There are billions of conversations happening every second, and it’s too bad I can’t listen to more than about half of them at one time. Most are just he said she said chatter, and I...

My number one fear is heights. Well, not so much the heights but the falling from heights. Actually the falling isn’t that bad (I have a strong heart), it’s the sudden stops that are painful....

To love someone as much as you love yourself, that is the ideal. Especially if that someone is your clone.

Dinner was good. The conversation was great, but the food was bad, so it averaged out. I wish I were as good in bed as I am in the kitchen.

That’s good. And speaking of spelling, tell me — do you wrap your head in a towel after you shower?

Fuck you and the paranormal horse you rode in on.

You will love me or I will sentence you to life in prison.

So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install, a lovely bookcase on the wall.

If you forget your lines, you had better mumble with conviction.

The word “sex” has no sex. It is androgynous and probably asexual. And even though I have sex (my sex is male), I have no sex, despite knowing willing females.

Morning is an important time of day, because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to have. For instance, if you wake up to the sound...

Adventures are never fun while you’re having them.

That’s when it hit me. I had to go through a lot of bad relationships first, but I’d finally found him. My very own Prince Charming. Turns out they do exist.Touché, Cinderella. Touché.

Since when did psychiatry become one big, fat Myspace survey?

In the eleventh century obese English king William the Conqueror took to bed and consumed nothing but alcohol to shed pounds, a practice many of his countrymen seem to continue to this day.

It was a dumb mistake, sleeping with her, and I learned from the experience. Still, I’d gladly make the same mistake tonight if she calls.

Hell’s bells, Susan, you don’t know what you’ve done. You’ve got to get outof here.”She snorted. “Like hell.””I mean it,” I said. “You’re in danger.””Relax, Harry. I’m not letting anyone lick me, and I’m not...

When the Washington Post telephoned me at home on Valentine’s Day 1989 to ask my opinion about the Ayatollah Khomeini’s fatwah, I felt at once that here was something that completely committed me. It was,...

I pet plants. Especially if they’re fir trees.

You mean you don’t want to come in and hold my hand while I piss?

08/14/1025h. Dessert Competitions.08/14/1315h. Illinois State Fair Infirmary; then motel; then Springfield Memorial Medical Center Emergency Room for distention and possible rupture of transverse colon (false alarm); then motel; incapacitated till well after sunset; whole day...

She has a body for years, and I have an astronaut tan. When we make love it will be like (x + 2)(2x -1) = 0, solve for x.

I don’t remember ever signing up for weird. It just sort of happened.

On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty...

I`ve got a black woolen hat and it`s got Pervert written across the front of it. It`s the name of the clothing label. And I was with my wife and my baby at the supermarket...

She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman.

I’m so glad my date doesn’t think I’m ugly. I love blind dates where the woman is actually blind.

I make love like hello, good to meet you. I would say hi, but I like to stretch it out and really make the sex last.

If I were pressed, I would admit that she was beautiful, in a dead bride sort of way.

Start here & go until you die, he said. What’s so complicated about that?

I keep my love in the fridge, next to my meat, because you simply can’t beat it.

Every day we’re told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it’s always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty...

love make us poets, and the approach of death should make us philosophers.

The whole point of straws, I had thought, was that you did not have to set down the slice of pizza to suck a dose of Coke while reading a paperback.

That´s the problem with planning a late night supper after the opera, not only does the hero or the heroine die singing, but you end up famished after the last notes of the finale.

The princess turns to him, serious. ‘You are the one my great-grandfather spoke of: a denizen of Earth wearing a dirty apron who falls down a shaft and lands in sticky goo to lead the...

Sometimes I feel like I am on top of the world. Other times it feels like the world is on top of me.

I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.

Gloves are condoms for the hands. My bare handshake might impregnate you.

Inside the room there sat a rocker, which she sat on, and which had rocked her while she sipped the beer, because in spite of herself she had become so giddy to have so quickly...

mr youse needn’t be so spryconcernin questions artyeach has his tastes but as for ii likes a certain partygimme the he-man’s solid blissfor youse ideas i’ll match yousea pretty girl who naked isis worth a...

Politicians, it’s like they’re competing to be the most incompetent. Well, guess what? They’re all winners to me. And by winners I mean losers.

Why can’t these American women stay in their own country? They are always telling us that it is the paradise for women.It is. That is the reason why, like Eve, they are so excessively anxious...

The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.