Well, speaking as a feminist, I’m glad that women can lead–uh, groups of unspeakable magical evil.””Yes,” Alan said gravely. “It’d be shoking if the evil magicians were sexist. For one thing, that would mean they...

[The materialist] thinks me a slave because I am not allowed to believe in determinism. I think [the materialist] a slave because he is not allowed to believe in fairies.

Okay you guys, pair up in threes!

It’s a shiny tin can of a day, bright but gray. Welcome to one of Florida’s two overcast days per year. A Florida winter can last a brutally long 48 hours, and in that time...

When I was extremely young and shockingly stupid, I thought you weren’t supposed to ever get angry at anybody you cared about (lest you suspect I’m exaggerating the “shockingly stupid” part, I also thought Mount...

You’re a very odd man,” said Bert.”I get that more often than you’d think,” replied Charles.

Years from now, when I’m successful and happy, …and he’s in prison… I hope I’m not too mature to gloat.

Oatmeal Face, Jawless, and the other revenants dragged me out of the van by the zip tie between my hands. The sharp plastic bit painfully into my wrists.”All right, all right, I’m coming,” I said....

I was short staffed. But that’s what happens when all your employees are midgets. I make love like spicy rice.

You can’t fight hatred with hatred and expect anyone to listen to you. You can only try to lessen it with humor, wit, truth and commonsense. If that doesn’t work run like hell, while they...

The ultimate dead end is murder. My house is on a dead-end street, and it’s killing me. My house is so small it’s trying to suffocate me.

I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you this”, he begins. He doesn’t blush, and his eyes don’t dart away. Instead I find myself staring into a pair of oceans – one perfect, the other...

My girlfriend is as reasonable as Lady Justice, and just as blindfolded. She’s tied up in the trunk this very moment.

I raise my head and see a red illuminated EXIT sign and as my eyes adjust I see tigers, cavemen with long spears, cavewomen wearing strategically modest skins, wolfish dogs. My heart is racing and...

I said that additionally, since I was planning to nurse, it be best if you were off the breast before I came back to work. My boss just looked at me dreamily and said, ‘That...

I called her Nebraska, because she was from Iowa. We made love like the Midwest. Well, not all of it. More like the Midwest minus Kansas, if you know what I mean.

He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.

We agreed to meet at 4. I meant AM and she meant PM, so we both just stood around thinking we’d been stood up.

It is a fool of a shepherd who culls his dogs.

I drink coffee like other men play basketball. I drink like a woman, and that’s why I use a slightly smaller ball.

Men circle like bees around honey, buzzing to communicate their sexual despair.

You go Picasso!

Writers don’t make any money at all. We make about a dollar. It is terrible. But then again we don’t work either. We sit around in our underwear until noon then go downstairs and make...

Pelit itu payah! Hemat itu jenius!

I sat next to a salmon on the sofa. After ten minutes of bear-like conversation, it was dead. Oh well, at least surrealism is still alive.

Come forward as servants of Islam, organize the people economically, socially, educationally and politically and I am sure that you will be a power that will be accepted by everybody.

I wrote a coded love note in my report for work. All the letters you need to read what I wrote are there—you just have to find them and rearrange the order until you’ve arrived...

I am prone to envy. It is one of my three default emotions, the others being greed and rage. I have also experienced compassion and generosity, but only fleetingly and usually while drunk, so I...

I have made a lot of mistakes falling in love, and regrettedmost of them, but never the potatoes that went with them.

My cat is ignorant of the law. But then so am I. That means I am not his master, because we are both slaves.

He thought he saw some horses, too, and a clown, but it was the faces of all those dead raptors that really bothered him. And maybe that clown a little bit.

If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I’d say, “Now.” But you’d also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes...

If you make a deal with a fool, don’t be surprised when they act foolishly.

There’s nothing I like more than rewards. Well, other than awards. I also love coffee a lot too. Being rewarded with a coffee award would be the ultimate euphoria for me.

Where are you from? New York?””Weird you picked up on that,” she said, “I’ve been gone from there for so long.”Like a couple of decades could dilute that accent.

Earrings are like orgasms. You can never have too many.” ” I never thought about it quite that way.” Well, you’re a man. ” She gave his knee a friendly pat.

I am the Today Monster, and I’m hungry for yesterday. And I’m thirsty for coffee, which is like drinking tomorrow.

The shrieks were coming from two quite naked girls, who were pursued by a pair of apes snapping at their bottoms. […] So he now raises his double-barrelled Spanish rifle, fires and kills both apes....

Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times.

When she emerged, Keith was watching the tiny round window of the under-the-counter washing machine. “Put your clothes in for a wash,” he said. “They were disgusting.”Ginny always thought that the only way of getting...

He was a six and a half foot scowl.(on Rachmaninov)

Life is like a DVR recording. The story goes on, but you cannot see it until you fast forward through the commercials

I wasn’t fooled. He was avoiding looking at me. “There’s nothing to talk about.””I knew you’d say that. Actually, it was a toss-up between that and ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.'”Dimitri sighed.

No idea how you figured out the riddle, but you scooped the first prize. Congratulations. You’ve just won a vacation to a big, relaxing place called a grave.

There’s no accounting for the opinions of old ladies. They think everyone is cute.

I collect human skin. I keep it all on the bumper of my car.

Oh, don’t be so dramatic,” I said cheerfully, getting in touch with my inner smartass.

Don’t lift my words without permission. It might lead to a hernia.

Any civilization where the main symbol of religious veneration is a tool of execution is a bad place to have children.

When we were almost to the other campus, I felt the weird nausea hit me. I called a warning to Christian, just as a Strigoi grabbed him. But Christian was fast. Flames wreathed the Strigoi’s...