If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

No one had ever accused Koko of being naughty. Perverse, perhaps, or arrogant, or despotic. But naughtiness was beneath his dignity.

I started out on a treadmill—and I just did my first marathon. And all while sitting in a wheelchair.

Kyra.” Fred caught Kyra’s eyes. “I’m not in love with Ariana and I don’t want half the kingdom.””You don’t?”He shook his head. “But I might stick around for a little while longer. There are some...

I rolled my eyes. “For defending my honor, you dullard.”He yanked me beneath a shadowed awning. I had a moment’s panic when I thought he’d spotted trouble, but then his arms were around me and...

I am the bathtub of desire, but damnit woman, I saw you eyeing that swimming pool.

Instead of hip hip hooray, how about hip hip replacement? Old age should be celebrated one wobbly step at a time until the top of the stairs topples down onto the topless crowd below.

The first rule of improvisation is AGREE. Always agree and SAY YES. When you’re improvising, this means you are required to agree with whatever your partner has created. So if we’re improvising and I say,...

If you’re optimistic, think of it as bronze.

I watch my feet as I walk along. Left, right, left, right, why is everything about politics?

The popular distinction between ‘constructive’ and ‘destructive’ criticism is a sentimentality: the mind too weak to perceive in what respects the bad fails is not strong enough to appreciate in what the good succeeds. To...

It is hard for one who has not had a similar experience to imagine the terror that still gripped Taeko and Mrs. Tamaki and Hiroshi, so intense a terror that afterwards it seemed almost funny.

Write your goals down on a sheet of paper. That way you can easily flip the page over and ignore them.

My phone rang a long time, so I answered. How long? Eight feet long. My last relationship was half that long. I should be taller in love.

After all, this was the place where I’d had my first meaningful conversation with a female, it was the site of a football’s first encounter with my groin, and above all, it was the location...

Jane’s stories are too sensible. Then Diana puts too much murders into hers. She says most of the time she doesn’t know what to do with the people so she kills them off to get...

Love, it’ll make you feel better before it’ll make you feel worse. So it’s like inverse medicine.

Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.

Don’t care for her tongue, do you? How strange. I find it one of my favorite parts.Bones to Gregor

A triangle has three points, just like the number of horns my ex had (she was 50% more evil than Satan).

When life hands you lemons say,”Lemons? What else have you got?”- bumper sticker

Your own brain ought to have the decency to be on your side!

The male frog, in mating season,” said Crake, “makes as much noise as it can. The females are attracted to the male frog with the biggest, deepest voice because it suggests a more powerful frog,...

Ah, the good ol’ days. I remember those days. That was before your time. It was before my time too, because I didn’t have a watch, and I hadn’t been born yet.

Tugs used to think that everyone’s name was in the dictionary, and when she had realized it was only hers, both Tugs and Button, she felt suddenly fond and possessive of it, as if this...

And what if that news anchor is creepy? He’s too smooth, and he has that hairpiece.

I never saw quite so wretched an example of what a sea-faring life can do: but to a degree, I know it is the same with them all; they are all knocked about, and exposed...

Funny thing about glass. When you broke the shit up, it got pissed and bit back.

I could use you—if you pass the tests, of course. There are three of them. You have passed the first.””What are the other—” Hrun paused, his lips moved soundlessly and then he hazarded, “two?

Pearls are congealed oyster spit.

I make love like an albino sings—softly, and from sunset to sunrise (except in Alaska).

‘Tell Suzie she’s a lucky cat.’ Have sexier words ever been spoken?

Heroism doesn’t pay very well. I try to be cold-blooded and money-oriented, but I keep screwing it up.

I’m taller in tolerance than I am in height. Barely. I’m only 6’3, so I apologize for not being more understanding.

After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It’s a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating.

Smartass Disciple: If there were two masters, which one should I listen to?Master of Stupidity: Use the ears to the one who looks so stupid, eyes to else.

Everybody looked at Sully suspiciously. A rumor that he had burned up in the blaze had been circulating, and people had quickly adjusted to the idea of profound human tragedy. They were reluctant to give...

I had a dream my house was on fire, and I tried to rescue all the cats—and none of the politicians. You can burn my house, but don’t you dare burn my coffee.

Always think in circles to get your ideas around

I’m the Doctor; I’m worse than everybody’s aunt!

Love has a sound, if you know what to listen for. It sounds like silence, surrounded by blindness. It’s the Helen Keller of emotions, at least for me.

I leave my door locked and unlocked. You know, for stopportunities. As a lover, I’ve been known—and unknown—to be like Zeno.

There are three things that none of the young men of the present generation can do.They can’t sit over their wine;they can’t play at wist;and they can’t pay a lady a compliment.

Basically, all women are nurturers and healers, and all men are mental patients to varying degrees.

Orafoura said to give love to the dragonflies. But only after you kill the dragons. And the flies.

I had a dream about you. You listened quietly as I told my idea for an invention that could dry your hair with in minutes of getting out of the bath. After giving you my...

On the whole, we’re a murderous race. According to Genesis, it took as few as four people to make the planet too crowded to stand, and the first murder was a fratricide. Genesis says that...

Even though I wore an eye patch, the Cyclops and I, we didn’t see eye to eye. We argued about the nature of love, and I hated it, so in the name of love I...

Eventually our whole world, every culture, will explode and we’ll all just be fucking cosmic dust. We’ll all dissipate. We’ll all be nothing and everything. What’s more spiritual than that?

I believe that the door was unlocked.