Clone One’s last name will be Martz. Clone Two I’ll call Martinez.

Disappointment came to me,and booted me,and bruised and hurt me,but that’s how people grow up.

Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I’m not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we’re doing here.

Women won’t sleep with me for the same reason that I don’t pay for sex—I don’t have any money. And if I did have money, I wouldn’t pay for sex, because women would sleep with...

Smartass Disciple: Master, what is the secret recipe of your happiness?Master of Stupidity: If I tell you, there is nobody left to be made fun of.

Secret 7591037. Anything they can do to you, they can do for you; and anything they can do for you, they can do to you.

Not only did I not win the sweepstakes, but I didn’t even bother to enter. I feel discriminated against.

If you try to buy my body, I’ll sell you my shadow. My shadow would make a great day laborer, because it’s solar powered.

It’s so shameful of me: I like you.

Her smile was like a Samuel Beckett play – easy to read but difficult to interpret.

Noble starets, tell me, are my high spirits offensive to you or not?” Fyodor Pavlovich suddenly exclaimed, gripping the arms of his chair with both hands and appearing ready to leap out of it, depending...

A few alligators are naturally of the vicious type and inclined to resent it when you prod them with a stick. You can find out which ones these are by prodding them.

What exactly did having needs mean, while he was on the subject? That Delaney needed to have sex? that she craved an orgasm? And if that were the case, why couldn’t she just take care...

Some people collect cars. I collect unemployment. Once my collection gets large enough, I’m going to start a country like the United States.

There’s sleep to be found here, and I’m going to find it—with my eyes closed. I’m like Sherlock Holmes meets Helen Keller. #Networking

Why don’t you find out for yourself?Then you’ll see the glass, hidden in the grass.

Then there are some minor points that strike me as suggestive – for instance, the position of Mrs. Hubbard’s sponge bag, the name of Mrs. Armstrong’s mother, the detective methods of Mr. Hardman, the suggestion...

I’m a person, you’re a person, and we should make love. That is, if you’re a person who’s also roughly , of the population known as women.

Don’t show me the before and after. Show me the before before and after after.

I loved her like I needed her. I soaked her up like a soup bowl made of bread. I’m hungry for her even as I write this now. Somebody get me a spoon!

I blink like a blanket. I’m not asleep—this extended motionlessness is how I make love.

A lecture has been well described as the process whereby the notes of the teacher become the notes of the student without passing through the mind of either.

With great hotness comes great responsibility.

I’m like a praying mantis, except not so devout. And I make love like a monk in meditation, which can often be confused with being asleep.

She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled, and the gun she was holding gave me a bad case of barrel envy.

I’ve had the paperwork sitting on my desk for the past nine months, waiting to be filled out and sent in. I feel like I’ve given birth to procrastination.

So this is it,” said Arthur, “We are going to die.””Yes,” said Ford, “except… no! Wait a minute!” He suddenly lunged across the chamber at something behind Arthur’s line of vision. “What’s this switch?” he...

He glared at Mr. Diddley’s yellow-toothed smile, and thought how he’d like to shove a toothbrush in his mouth and teach him how to use it.

Holy crap!” Xavier blurted

I am mad in love like fire, and I speak sushi after a night of fingernail sandwiches. Last night’s sex was so scratchy that this morning my throat is sore.

How about a compromise: everybody leave the toilet seat at 45 degrees.

I built my ex wife a Castle of Love, and she dug a moat and filled it with sharks and lawyers. Oh well, at least I got to keep the unicorn.

Are you French?’ I asked instead.’Oui!’Foreign. Foreign spy. French Communist Party acted on Stalin’s instructions during part of World War II. French Communist spy.Stop it stop it stop itI turned to Art, a black kid...

Men don’t ask other men if they’re getting home OK, they just assume that beneath the frail, weak exterior lurks a muscle-building kung fu master fearless of ever being mugged.

[Rayleen talking to Billy.] “Grace is thriving here, and I dare anybody to challenge that. Anybody who has a problem with that can come take it up with me.””Thank God,” Billy said, “because I really...

I’ll see a tree and be reminded of her. So I’ll have to go have sex with that tree.

What do you hope to get out of this meeting? – CIA Counterintelligence official, polling the audience before the start of a briefing on CIThat’s what I hope to get: out of this meeting. –...

I’ll start a threesome factory that also makes sex trees. How else am I supposed to grow coffee?

Good days are ahead of me. But so is the worst day of my life—my last day. I need a cup of coffee large enough to take a bath in.

I know how you feel about gears and mechanisms.

I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient’s friends.

Most guys confuse lust and love. I am in sex with you.

People often say that the English are very cold fish, very reserved, that they have a way of looking at things – even tragedy – with a sense of irony. There’s some truth in it;...

There’s urine on the couch, and the remote control is in the shower.” I would write it myself, but I’ve never been very good at writing love ballads.

The only moral it is possible to draw from this story is that one should never throw the Q letter into a privet bush, but unfortunately there are times when it is unavoidable.

Men are like dogs,” Stacy was fond of saying. And she usually went on to add that, like dogs, they all took up too much space on the bed, and they always went for the...

But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He’s one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice!

Due to unfavorable weather (or, rather, favorable), we couldn’t make love in the rain. So instead we had sex in the shower, despite grandpa taking a bath in it.

As a writer, you must truly possess a love for words.””Yes, that’s right,” I agreed.”I’ve noticed that some authors favor particular words, making frequent use of them. Do you have a favorite?”I nodded assuredly and...

Before grabbing a mythological creature, I’d recommend putting on oven mitts. Especially if you pick up a Phoenix.