He has a passport,” my classmates would whisper. “Quick, let’s run before he judges us!

Her lips taste like mint from toothpaste or gum, or sometimes like cherries or grapes from her lip gloss. She’s soft when I hold her, with curves where my hands rest, and when I touch...

Clouds are high flying Fog

Well, enough of this introspection. It’s depressing, quite frankly.

People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn’t.

I don’t care who you hang out with, so long as it’s either me or my clones. See, I’m not a jealous type.

It pleased Aliena that they were all together: she and Jack and their children, and Jack’s mother, and Aliena’s brother, and Martha. It was quite like an ordinary family, and Aliena could almost forget that...

I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights.

Yes Headwoman Azaze. But I never lie to Rosethorn. She, um, discourages it.””Evvy and I have an understanding.” She grabbed the teakettle and poured hot water into the mug. “She tells me the truth, and...

I invented a Love Machine. You should buy two, one as a backup—or to run both simultaneously while you masturbate.

All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don’t want to know what causes dew.

Immortality like this is about as useful as sunscreen on a submarine.

I could either buy one missile, or 88,000 cups of coffee. Both would wake me up, but the coffee would also wake up North Korea. I’ll go with the coffee.

There is a tragic flaw in our precious constitution, and I don’t know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president.

I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I’ll overhear people say things like, ‘At least he’s not a complete boob.

He was stupid. If I killed everyone who was stupid, I wouldn’t have time to sleep.

Obviousism—I would give you a definition, but the definition would only be an example of the word.

I never gossip. I observe. And then relay my observations to practically everyone.

I love Blue Ribbon coffee, and she loves Red Ribbon coffee. I don’t love her, because how could I love someone who loves losers?

Why do all your brilliant ideas involve felonies?

The walking tour guides one through the city’s various landmarks, reciting bits of information the listener might find enlightening. I learned, for example, that in the late 1500s my little neighborhood square was a popular...

Who knows himself a braggart, let him fear this, for it will come to pass that every braggart shall be found an ass.

I frankly felt like the reception we received on the way in from the airport was very warm and hospitable. And I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave — with...

the book I was reading turned out to be crack

You can’t put water back in a cloud after a rain like you can with a sponge. Coffee flows out of my penis, and though it’s less caffeinated, it’s just as drinkable.

Nothing but good times ahead.

Hugh consoled me, saying, “Don’t let it get to you. There are plenty of things you’re good at.”When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come...

Ironically, the only way to see clearly is to stand at a distance. You might be focused, but that doesn’t mean you are seeing correctly. Sometimes, you have you to grab the camera from the...

Aside from myself, there aren’t too many people trying to be me. That may change in the future, when all my clones arrive.

I thought about writing the character as male, but then I would be forced to portray him as a woman in a man’s body.

I eat east and west, and I eat them at the same time. But I drink my coffee north to south.

[…] I have a date this afternoon.” “Oh, Lord.” Jake closed his eyes. “Who are you going to destroy now?””I beg your pardon?””The hotel would appreciate it if you’d just throw back the men you...

Ahhhhh!

Interns, unite: you have nothing to lose but your unpaid positions!

I put the men in mental. Well, me and my clones do. Alone I just put in the man.

We had an unspoken love for one another. Probably because she’d never talk to me or return my phone calls or texts.

My high-performance hair is shaped like a sports car, and when I chug coffee it sounds like a jet engine. Women don’t find me attractive, but only because women don’t find me (I’m living off...

Curiouser and curiouser.

Tonight I’m on Meow Patrol. Do you have a fur coat I can borrow?

Good madonna, give me leave toprove you a fool.

You freaking bit me,” I said, my voice hoarse. “You’re lucky I don’t call animal control.

A new doctor had been sent for, Lazzaro of Pavia, who had administered to Lorenzo a pulverized mixture of diamonds and pearls. This hitherto infallible medicine had failed to help.

I need my tropical square boots, and a fish that when it swims looks like my squiggly signature. Also, I could go for a cup of coffee.

Sometimes you must agree with someones opinion for the sake of being polite and modest, but within you, you know that you are not foolish and crazy.

He has a name.””Oh yeah. Skulduggery isn’t it?” Fletcher responded. “That’s an unusual one. Tell me were you born a skeleton or were your folks just disturbingly hopeful?

Ain’t No Drama Like Bedroom Drama

I have dozens of loyal fans! Baker’s dozens! …they come in thirteens.

Why were you lurking under our window?””Yes – yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our windows, boy?””Listening to the news,” said Harry in a resigned voice.His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of...

There are certain books in the history of the world that should never have been written. This book makes all those look like masterpieces.

I feel pretty sure I know why the dinosaurs went extinct. They were waiting for Sam to pick out a cell phone case.