I don’t have to extend my hand to greet you. A wink can reach across the room. And a wink in a telescope can stretch across the universe.

I’m learning sign language to be a better communicator and masturbator.

I’m a farmer of love. Just add water.

I just made some ice cream soup—for winter, or the next time you visit Antarctica. It’s freezable and reheatable, like my love.

I’ve always wanted to go out with a bang, that’s why I carry two bricks around with me wherever I go, so when I leave a room I clap them together.

Yes you can let a guy bite you but not on the first date! he has to pay for dinner ! But you can bite him on the first date at no cost that is...

Curious about these new entities, the elementals asked why the gods were in the shape they were.”We are bipedal,” Erebus said. “We wish to be distinguished from the animals.””What are animals?” an elemental asked.”We’re not...

I couldn’t take much more of this. Being the object two men competed for wasn’t as glamorous as it sounded in the movies. The two men who both wanted one hundred percent of my time...

I like a man who pauses to reflect, while pausing in the mirror to reflect. I can imagine that such a man would look exactly like my clone.

I always keep the weather in my pocket, so no matter where I go, I always have something to talk about. Sudden thunderstorms embarrass me.

He was chugging brown pop from a can Jack had handed him while he stuffed nacho cheese Doritos in his face. I was glad to see he looked lots better, almost completely like himself, which...

Military Wives—Sacrificing Months of Sex for the Country.

I once met a man who couldn’t think outside of the box. So one day, while he was thinking, I taped the box shut and mailed him to Maine. UPS reported that the box was...

Relationships are built on trust. If you don’t trust me, how can I ever hope to get close enough to steal your heart and sell it on eBay?

When I go to the bar, I never drink much. And to do that I avoid conversations, as silence reduces saliva and swallowing, which is drinking.

Who knew Demon Child would have such a normal name? I expected something exotic like Serena or Destiny or the Evil One That Comes in the Night to Make Us Chilly.

I don’t know what it is about the french language, it seems to be scared of coming out of the mouth so it comes out the nose instead.

I am no coward sir! I shall stand and fight!””Well, I am,” said Sal. “So can we go… please?

I don’t know what gave you the idea I’ve lowered my standards, but I assure you, I haven’t. I want no part of you.

Some of the higher-ups in the organization don’t know anything about the company—including which floor they are on (the top one). It makes me angry enough to go out and start my own elevator repair...

Sections in the bookstore- Books You Haven’t Read- Books You Needn’t Read- Books Made for Purposes Other Than Reading- Books Read Even Before You Open Them Since They Belong to the Category of Books Read...

The only good thing about all the radiation in the air is I can go on my nightly walk and wear my astronaut’s suit and not feel like an idiot. I also wear the astronaut’s...

It has been well said that an author who expects results from a first novel is in a position similar to that of a man who drops a rose petal down the Grand Canyon of...

You don’t need a search warrant to go through someone’s trash. Seriously. Once it hits the curb it is totally fair game-you an look it up.

Bet you’ve never had a bear down your pants before. Though I’m kind of a bear in bed. (Rick from Back to Basics)

I just acquired a choir. I bought it for a song.

Sounds have smells. Your father smells, and he’s noisy.

I put the all in allow. Well, I put in most. All the rest I forbid! If it pleases you, dinner will be ready as soon as you make it.

I just inhaled kimchi ramen. Nose on fire. Next chapter may be obscured by tears.

Try jogging when following your heart, it’s healthier

People love to love, but I love to sleep, and that is why cats are closer to God than bricks are to blankets. –Cap’n Kintz

I have a strong opinion on steroids.

Già nella vetrina della libreria hai individuato la copertina col titolo che cercavi. Seguendo questa traccia visiva ti sei fatto largo nel negozio attraverso il fitto sbarramento di Libri Che Non Hai Letto che ti...

When I was young, I was 13 going on 31. Then when I was 30 going on 31, I was 30 going on 29. Now I’m in love and I’ve lost all sense of time—and...

…writing Jeeves stories gives me a great deal of pleasure and keeps me out of the public houses.

I had a dream about you, you gave me a plant and sweetly said “This will grow with our love” upon handing it over to me the plant died. I started packing.

Mostly you love them and you cherish their milestones but occasionally you do want to tape them to a chair. That would be child abuse, DO NOT TAPE YOUR CHILDREN TO CHAIRS. If you want...

I’m a little more reserved in person than people expect. But I warm up quickly, like leftovers. Meatloaf, anyone?

My subconscious is like the ocean, only deeper and less polluted.

Nine times out of ten I left one out. But the one I leave out is never love. I always put love in—even when I put it in your butt.

Name the different kinds of people,’ said Miss Lupescu. ‘Now.’Bod thought for a moment. ‘The living,’ he said. ‘Er. The dead.’ He stopped. Then, ‘… Cats?’ he offered, uncertainly.

Iwouldn’t go that far,” muttered Tessa.

Y’all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.

I’m older now, which I can’t help, but I’m also fatter, thanks to all the extra helpings.

He was thoughtless, not because he was insensitive, but because I had just eaten his brain and his skull was empty.

Wrath: look at how their folklore portrays our species. There’s Dracula for Christ’s sake, an evil bloodsucker who preys on the defenseless. There’s piss-poor B movies and porn. And don’t get me started on the...

As much as I hate to interrupt the supreme satisfaction you’re taking in watching the mansion blaze to the ground, I’d reallylike to get out of here before the whole house collapses on top of...

When you’re writing a whodunit, the dead body is the most important character. It’s the pivot point around which the plot spins.

Gideon laughed. “I like to be direct.””Okay,” I said. “But I warn you, I like to be evasive, inserutable and generally send mixed messages.” “I doubt it.””Human interaction is not my strong point,” I told...

I weigh more than I used to. I’ve been eating a lot of fast food, so I must have put on some muscle—without even working out!