If Twinkies grew on trees, as nature intended, then I would like to irrigate your fertile valley. When we make love, bring your own knitting equipment.

Now I feel like James Bond. Suave and intelligent, breaking all the codes while looking fabulous.

…but I’d learned a long time ago that the worse things are, the more people lie about them.

Wow Kelsey!” Kishan whistled. “I’m going to have to beat the other guys of with a stick!

When the clock reads 3:00, I don’t call it three o’clock, I call it three hundred, and I remember the Spartans. At 3:01, however, I remember what I was doing at 2:59, and I get...

When you grow up the way I do, and the biggest thing in your life so far has been getting dunked in a glass tank by a man who acts like he’s mugging you but...

how romantic.

Life goal: Swim in a lake full of soup, and instead of bathing suits we’ll wear Ziploc bags while we make love like we’re feeding the homeless.

Stirred with passion, laced with fun, spiked with laughter & served with a smile. On the road. No sugar, no mil. Horn OK Please. Buy my books or maythe wrath of a thousand locusts infest...

Her lips taste like mint from toothpaste or gum, or sometimes like cherries or grapes from her lip gloss. She’s soft when I hold her, with curves where my hands rest, and when I touch...

A blanket could be used to make you laugh, and a joke could be used to keep you warm inside.

His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up.

Length of smile get reduced as people grow up!!!

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Bah, Alzheimer’s. The reason my grandma can’t remember anything is because she’s always thinking about dick.

The story of how I left Huckleberry begins — as do all worthy stories — with a goat

Yes Headwoman Azaze. But I never lie to Rosethorn. She, um, discourages it.””Evvy and I have an understanding.” She grabbed the teakettle and poured hot water into the mug. “She tells me the truth, and...

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

We were in Paris. We were in love. We were with other people at the time and wouldn’t even meet for two years.

Gilded palace of Flying BurritosExcellent Nouveau Mexican CuisineWe all got to wear Swank-Ass Nudie SuitsI should have known it was a lousy pipe dreamOhhh, Ohhh, what an awesome jobOhhh, Ohhh, what do I do now??Ohh,...

This morning I took out a comma and this afternoon I put it back again.

Why would anybody want dick for free?” What kind of lover would that make?

I’ve had great success being a total idiot.

He was stupid. If I killed everyone who was stupid, I wouldn’t have time to sleep.

A brick could be used to make life easier. Start carrying one around with you everywhere you go, and you’ll see what I mean.

If you hear voices, you’re a lunatic. If you write down what they say, you’re an author.

And of course, when you see your brother in the toilet bowl…there’s a little voice that say, ‘I wonder where he would go…’…if it hadn’t been for his head…

To be really mediæval one should have no body. To be really modern one should have no soul. To be really Greek one should have no clothes.

Pregnant women need dick too. And I’m here to sell it to them. I charge by the inch and by the hour.

Holy fu-” he starts then catches himself.”Yes,this tithe will be most pleasing to her Goodness.” Me and Magnus exchange amused glances.

Who knows himself a braggart, let him fear this, for it will come to pass that every braggart shall be found an ass.

I’ll weave the waves into a sea blanket of goodbye.

I really want to see you tonight, so I hope you leave your blinds open.

So why did poor artists originally hang around in cafes?””I don’t know. Inspiration from the atmosphere.””Ha! No, you’ve been tricked, too, just like the rest of us. Cafes didn’t have inspirational atmosphere at first. That...

When things are at their blackest, I say to myself, ‘Cheer up, things could be worse.’ And sure enough, they get worse.

I think trees should bloom earlier in the spring. They act like they are on a schedule. It’s not like they have anywhere to go.

Intelligence is the ability to avoid doing work, yet getting the work done.

Ironically, the only way to see clearly is to stand at a distance. You might be focused, but that doesn’t mean you are seeing correctly. Sometimes, you have you to grab the camera from the...

What you feel for me, is it caused by your vampirism, or do you yourself feel that way? Because, I mean, I guess I AM, technically, like a walking hamburger. Who wouldn’t want a free...

If I had a vulva, I’d let you drive it like a Volvo. It’s all about safety. You could probably park on the street, but you might get a ticket.

I can’t say for sure if I’m better off, since I have no way of knowing what would have been. I could have traveled to exotic places and kissed exotic men in the moonlight. Or...

The FDA has announced that women deserve the same sexual rights as men. Insert ironic comment into any willing orifice.

It’s not until the break of dawn that the darkness gets to take a break. That’s also when the pain of losing yesterday’s love begins to lift.

Target your random acts of kindness, to keep a tally of who owes what

Interns, unite: you have nothing to lose but your unpaid positions!

A blanket could be twirled in the air, like a new idea in your mind, and then either discarded or folded up like a wearable memory.

When the fog lifts on this economy, I think we’ll find a lot of people refusing to ever turn off their caution lights.

Today I feel like I did tomorrow.

The universe is a million billion light-years wide, and every inch of it would kill you if you went there. This is the position of the universe with regards to human life.

Well you won’t talk to him…and he’s feelingawfully lonely. And I think you hurt his feelings.” Then he made itbounce twice in agreement.Talaith covered her face and sighed. What exactly did hermother tell her the...