I tried to mug a wealthy man, but was unsuccessful because I was out of coffee cups. I wish I was less poor and more pour.

Nothing but good times ahead.

Her sleep was enlivened by several dreams. One where Professor Wanstead’s bushy eyebrows fell off because they were not his own eyebrows, but false ones. As she woke again, her first impression was that which...

As I got closer to the fence, I held my shirt over my nose to block the smell. One stallion waded through the muck and whinnied angrily at me. He bared his teeth, which were...

I can smell a whisper from two secret admirers away. Of all the Men’s rooms, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into this one.

I’m not a treasure hunter—I’m a treasure farmer. I grow quotes, and each person like Tim Fargo who tweets me is a thrill no shipwreck can match.

I invented an invisible machine to help you get to sleep. It only works after your eyes stay shut for a length of time. It’s also so quiet that you won’t hear it.

[…] I have a date this afternoon.” “Oh, Lord.” Jake closed his eyes. “Who are you going to destroy now?””I beg your pardon?””The hotel would appreciate it if you’d just throw back the men you...

When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.

The alarm in the morning? Well, I have an old tape of Carlo Maria Giulini conducting the Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra in a perfectly transcendent version in Shubert’s seventh symphony. And I’ve rigged it up so...

Can I have a glass of water?” Her voice was hoarse, probably from screaming. She’d always sounded like that after they’d-He didn’t just force the thought aside. He clubbed it unconscious, threw it into a...

At five in the morning, I was half asleep. The whole left side of my body was taking a nap. Seems I’m also always half in love, from my waist down.

I sprained my ankle. I was asleep at the time. I rest restlessly.

Curiouser and curiouser.

The secret to humor is surprise.

Having a great intellect is no path to being happy.

If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn’t rub out even half the “Fuck you” signs in the world. It’s impossible.

For me to enjoy a salad, I need the right dressing. Vodka is salad dressing, right?

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.

Sometimes you must agree with someones opinion for the sake of being polite and modest, but within you, you know that you are not foolish and crazy.

I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.

Dude, that sucks for you.

Cat love is genuine, because it’s 10 percent devotion and 90 percent frustration and betrayal. – 67 REASONS WHY CATS ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

Love is a thunderstorm, and I am the desert.

I want to find myself as a person, and I’ve enlisted the help of my clone to aid me in this. It’s like finding Waldo, except I’m only half wearing the red and white sweater,...

I feel pretty sure I know why the dinosaurs went extinct. They were waiting for Sam to pick out a cell phone case.

Soak blanket in gravy and make a delicious brick wrap. Serve in All Gravy Room at the Mandrake Hotel.

I’ll take the cemetery,” Kane said. He didn’t sound excited. Rather, he sounded resigned. “The club might collapse if I go.

Regweld is really a fine wizard,” he continued, patting the shoulder again. “And his ideas for crossbreeding a horse and a frog are not without merit; never mind the explosion! Alchemy shops can be replaced!

She would walk through the kitchen at any hour, whenever she was hungry, and put her fork in the pots and eat a little of everything without placing anything on a plate, standing in front...

It’s hard to find friends I can trust. Most end up either getting shot, stabbed, or I have to tie them up and toss them overboard in the Atlantic Ocean.

It’s a shiny tin can of a day, bright but gray. Welcome to one of Florida’s two overcast days per year. A Florida winter can last a brutally long 48 hours, and in that time...

A blanket is great for covering things, like the dead guy, I just killed with this brick.

Years from now, when I’m successful and happy, …and he’s in prison… I hope I’m not too mature to gloat.

On the corner of Cathedral Road a raven sat in a tree watching him. He knew it was Dorkus for two reasons. Firstly, he’d told Dorkus to stay there to keep an eye on Michael....

Shark!” But I’m telling you—as the Egyptian Queen careened to one side, its paddle wheel lifting completely out of the water, and I saw that monster emerge from the deep, I nearly discovered the hieroglyphs...

Alert me if you’re attacked by a rabbit.

I love meatloaf.” Of all the things I could have said, that summed up what I hoped our relationship would one day become.

The ultimate dead end is murder. My house is on a dead-end street, and it’s killing me. My house is so small it’s trying to suffocate me.

The long run is a misleading guide to current affairs. In the long run we are all dead.

I raise my head and see a red illuminated EXIT sign and as my eyes adjust I see tigers, cavemen with long spears, cavewomen wearing strategically modest skins, wolfish dogs. My heart is racing and...

Well, well. You might just be my soul mate.

We need to gather everyone we can.Damien scoffed. Uh, boss, hate to be a pall, but I think everyone we can gather is currently in this room.Sin paused to look at Simi, Xirena, Damien, Kat,...

I met a guy who had an interesting job. He was a meat cutter, or a meat slicer, something like that. I probably butchered his job title.

When I’m in the ocean, I swim alone, because I’m a shark-eating man. I’m also a man-eating man, though to be fair I thought that one surfer was a seal when I bit into him.

We agreed to meet at 4. I meant AM and she meant PM, so we both just stood around thinking we’d been stood up.

There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, ‘Do trousers matter?'””The mood will pass, sir.

Men circle like bees around honey, buzzing to communicate their sexual despair.

A brick could be used to unite two long-lost brothers. They’ve been apart for six inches, and that’s entirely too long, and I think it’d be good to bring them back together.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why god? Why me?” and the thundering voice of God answered, There’s...