I’m not going to wear a red dress,” she said.”It would look stunning, My Lady,” she called.She spoke to the bubbles gathered on the surface of the water. “If there’s anyone I wish to stun...

Mein gutes altes kroatisches Herz beschleunigte von Walzer zu Death Metal.

I’d like to build a boat out of those little wooden planks that Starbucks provides to stir your coffee. The boat will be dedicated to our love, and it will take a lifetime to complete.

Ah man. I remember the days of lying to my mother about a boy. Once I had a boy hidden in the closet and of course Mom wouldn’t leave, so I finally had to pretend...

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on theroad an hour.

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do — to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms,...

When I get married, I’m gonna register at Bank of America.

Well, I’m ready for a long patch of boredom.

When the only exorcise you get is running for a bus, get more buses!

I’d seen weirder things than a haunted shoe, but not many.

I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully.

Jealousy colors you black, Geoff. If you wanted to be a pretty princess too, I would have bought you a crown. I’ll be back soon.

I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you’re pregnant…if you’re planning on giving the baby up for adoption?

A peaceful refuge in which to rediscover each other, we thought,, not realizing that, while golf and fishing are Scotland’s most popular outdoor sports, gossip is the most popular indoor sport.

Julian tried to keep a pleasant smile on his face, though already it felt strained. He was uncomfortable with people who used the word blessed as a part of their everyday speech. The implication was...

I’ve seen daggers pierce the chest,Children dying in the road,Crawling things hooked and baited,Rapists bound and then castrated,Villains singed in public square.Yet none these sights did make me cringeLike when my Love cut all her...

some smart alecs of those days after World War I used to say: “The French fought for liberty, the British fought to control the seas, but the Americans fought for souvenirs.

annoying.” I guess I mean that most humans like to try to fuck up your plans.

I won’t tell you my name, but I will give you a number that describes me: 4. One a 1-10 scale, I love you like my numerical identity.

Her name was Ashley, but I called her Ash, because she looked like the burnt remains of a cigarette. But she smelled like coffee, and I thirsted for her affection.

Our nannas are losers.

The shortest distance between two people is a smile.

I eat cereal with a hammer, because I operate with a government-level efficiency. Let’s build a smarter tomorrow—with a spoon.

What is Time, O sister of similar features, that you speak of it so subserviently? Are we to be the slaves of the sun, that secondhand overrated knob of gilt, or of his sister, that...

Our love was separated by time—and six feet of dirt. Still, I had to keep digging, because that’s just who I am, a romantic.

When rain comes down, the chance of rainbows goes up. Likewise, when my coffee goes down, I wake up. Hopefully I wake up in your bed.

Calculus was not math. It was a fucking science experiment gone wrong.

Tacos will grow on Christmas trees before I learn to carry a tune. Fortunately, it doesn’t matter. In karaoke, talent means nada; enthusiasm is everything. What I lack in talent, I make up for in...

There’s a very mean girl down the hall who’s trying to get me fired. I’m no good with confrontation, so whenever I say, “Have a wonderful day,” to her out loud, I’m really saying, “Be...

The na at the end of banana annoys me as much as it would you if it were bananana.

An author named Arthur Arthurson would write about art, love, and road kill in Kenya. And I’d read him because I’m a meat eater and car enthusiast.

A writer edits his thoughts more thoroughly the more readers he has. You can tell I only have two readers, myself included.

People who say, ‘Let the chips fall where they may,’ usually figure they will not be hit by a chip.

Sorry, Ms. Terwilliger. I’m flattered that you think I’m such an upstanding person, but I’m already caught up in one epic battle of good versus evil. I don’t need another.

The cool thing about unemployment is every day is Saturday.

Oooo wee! You see that chump go flying? Look’eah, nothing like charred demon to make a brotha feel right. – Calvin Freeman (Sineaters‬:Devotion Book One)

The reason I rob nursing homes is because the residents in nurseries don’t have any wealth yet to steal. How can I steal from babies? What do you think I am, a Central Banker?

Mustaches are so cool that I not only have one—I have two. I wear both of mine above my eyes.

My ‘people skills’ are ‘rusty.’ Pardon me but I have spent the last year as a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent.

The room fell silent. I frankly didn’t know what I was going to do to help Eduardo, but I had the sense that he was right- no one else could help him, and without help,...

I am the Wheelbarrow of Love. Let me get back to work.

For those who like that sort of thing,” said Miss Brodie in her best Edinburgh voice, “That is the sort of thing they like.

I like cream and sugar in my sleep.

I’m divorced, so I know what it takes to make a marriage work. My love is like an empty box of desert. Just add water.

There is something stunningly narrow about how the Anthropic Principle is phrased. Yes, only certain laws and constants of nature are consistent with our kind of life. But essentially the same laws and constants are...

A good night sleep, or a ten minute bawl, or a pint of chocolate ice cream, or all three together, is good medicine.

Coffee has a way of waking me up like no alarm clock can. Not only do I sleepwalk, but I sleepdrink, and I often don’t wake up until 5:00 PM, when I leave work.

When I was little I bragged about my firefighting father: my father would go to heaven, because if he went to hell he would put out all the fires

Would a boring machine drill holes—or put you to sleep? I make love like a robot, so maybe I do both.