Twitter provides us with a wonderful platform to discuss/confront societal problems. We trend Justin Bieber instead.

A fan can be used as a listening device, pushing sound waves towards your ears, along with cool air. I listen harder than a hurricane, and that’s why I have a vacant and evacuated expression.

You had to admire a guy who called his own new book a classic before it was published and anyone else had a chance to read it.

She said she loved me, and I believed her, because she was looking directly at another man when she said it.

why can’t you see i’m a kid’, said the kid.Why try to make me like you?Why are you hurt when I don’t cuddle?Why do you sigh when I splash through a puddle?Why do you scream...

Would you like a cough drop Dolores?

He slouches,’ DeeDee contributes.’True–he needs to work on his posture,’ Thelma says.’You guys,’ I say.’I’m serious,’ Thelma says. ‘What if you get married? Don’t you want to go to fancy dinners with him and be...

If everyone in America started mailing empty boxes, we could boost productivity, profitability, and employment. Think like a politician.

When I die cremate me so I can finally fit into something small.

You always want to get a head in the game,” Raven added.

I had a dream about you painting the scene of a house fire. The clocks were melting and Salvador Dali was riding around in a clown car muttering something about irony.

Yes, I’m shallow, I don’t mind admitting it. Perhaps I should admit that there’s no end to the depths of my shallowness.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

They who suspect a Mephistophiles, or sneering, satirical devil, under all, have not learned the secret of true humor, which sympathizes with gods themselves, in view of their grotesque, half-finished creatures.

Just the way it never rains when you have an umbrella, you’ll never run into people if you look fantastic. But go outside in pajamas, and you’ll run into every ex you have.

Stop a drunk driver and you stop a murderer—even if he hasn’t killed anyone yet. In all the alternate universes, the odds are he’s already killed—and will kill again.

If I had followed every urge I ever had, I would have had much more sex and killed a lot more people

Foaly: Anyone see you come in here? Holly: The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, MI6. Oh, and the EIB. Foaly: The EIB? Holly: (smirking) Everyone in the building.

There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous andshallow: Yet it was the schoolboy who said ‘Faith is believing what youknow ain’t so’.

Women were created gullible. It they weren’t no babies would be born.

So I suggest you stick close, pay attention, and avoid breaking the Terrorverse’s only commandment: Thou shall not be stupid.

We made love, we drank coffee, and then we went our separate ways. I went west, and she went to hell. Or at least I hope she did.

Black clothing makes me look skinnier. If I wear all black at night, and turn out the lights, I look so skinny that I disappear.

I feel like a cup of tea with no milk. I just had one. It was disgusting.

Show, don’t tell.” Thanks for nothing, Mr. Cryptic.

The only difference between Hitler and Bush is that Hitler was elected.

And out came an insult with the velocity of a whisper. But I could see I offended, so I zipped up my pants and left the wedding reception.

Whenever Elliot Norther’s wife was nervous she baked. With the murder of Harriet Mason, her husband’s close colleague at the Faculty, she had been unable to resist a couple of Victoria sponges. During the frenzied...

You make me so happy I could frown. Let us dance like two rocking chairs at a KISS concert, and let us kiss like two people named Sam Asmas who’ve just discovered the meaning of...

I like talking about people who don’t have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and...

With the suggestion of a compromise Gawaine mustered up enough courage to speak.”What will you do if I surrender?” he asked.”Why, I’ll eat you,” said the dragon.”And if I don’t surrender?””I’ll eat you just the...

Who the hell calls at two in the morning?””Maybe it’s Matt Wilde, confessing his love,” Lindsay says.”Very funny,

I can draw like it’s nobody’s business. I use my door as a canvas, so don’t knock, because it’s nobody’s business.

I could end the deficit in five minutes. You just pass a law that says that anytime there is a deficit of more than 3% of GDP all sitting members of congress are ineligible for...

I was in love. Either that, or I was knocking on the wrong door. But it didn’t matter, because nobody answered.

I’m going to make love to you, Lanie. I’m not your first, but I will be the last.

Like all real heroes, Charley had a fatal flaw. He refused to believe that he had gonorrhea, whereas the truth was that he did.

I make art and I make love, and I almost always do both at the same time. If the cops ask, I’ll tell them I was framed. Same goes for the museum.

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

A brick could be used to build a house—or destroy it, one window at a time.

Normal people can become very annoying if put in annoying situations.

Punctuation, is? fun!

It’s kind of interesting you’re driving a car big enough for a wolfhound and a mastiff to get in the back of today,” I said.”And a greyhound, a dark brown bear, and a brindle utility...

I admit I get the occasional headache,” I said. “I admit some of my hangovers are epic. But usually all it takes for me to bounce back is a sauna, cold-plunge pool, steam bath, massage,...

A brick could be used to remind you. I would remind you of what you need to be reminded about, but that’s not my role—that’s the brick’s place.

You know, I’m not even sure how we ended up living together.””I am,” Jake said, turning back to the lake. “Sex. It’s a powerful force, my boy, and women use it.””Is that why you gave...

I had a dream about you. You invited me to a picnic, so I brought two bottles of mustard—one for me, and one for the guy who always holds your leash. When I got there...

I’m allergic to alcohol and narcotics, I break out in handcuffs”-Robert Downey Jr.

I saw the corpse, and I called the cops. But not before I called a 1-800 phone sex number with the dead guy’s phone and credit card.