As an aspiring fashion designer, and lover of human anatomy, I always wonder why nipples don’t appear on the outside of shirts.

A brick can and should be used as a telephone, because that way I won’t feel so bummed out that she never calls me.

I had a dream about you. You were being hung. I had a sword in one hand and a stool in the other. I couldn’t decide which one to use, so I stood on the...

I thought we were going to take a 20-mule team out to the Grand Canyon and get a Bunsen burner and a bow and arrow, and whatever you can catch you cook. And it’s gotta...

I was going to say.”— Krysta and Étienne

Really, I protest–what is left for the satirical mind to invent when reality so surpasses it?

The bottom of a cup of coffee is not as good as the bottom of her body—which is actually in the middle of her body.

Neighbours complaining about someone’s dog making an awful racket. You could hardly blame the poor beast, its owner had died in her bed at least a fortnight before and there hadn’t been much left of...

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?

When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.

Imagine there is a balloon tied to a severed human hand. As it floats into the sky it flaps in the breeze, and whether you perceive it to be waving hello or goodbye determines whether...

Who are you and how did you get in here?” “I’m a locksmith. And, I’m a locksmith.

A brick could be used to decorate a house. And not just one brick, thousands could be stacked and affixed together and really make your house not only feel like a home, but less drafty...

A blanket could be used to cause global warming. If you don’t want to future generations to die, I’d recommend shivering in your bare bed.

I had officially joined the cacophony of sick mother fuckers.

Would you buy potato chips that listed potato by-product or potato digest as an ingredient

There’s a marked difference between Mark Ed and Ed Mark. Same as the difference between making love and loving make—and I do both, for a very reasonable price.

preemptive strike n.A blow or punch delivered by military aircraft to a target who is suspected of being adverse to one’s plot for world domination.

A brick could be used to tell how hard the wind is blowing. If the wind blows the brick around, I’d get out of there immediately.

A brick could be used to teach men how to dance, by learning balance. But a blanket could also teach men how to dance, by providing motivation to get good so they can get some...

With hand gestures, you can fill in a lot of gaps, and the words thing and stuff and -ness also help: patientness instead of patience, fastness instead of speed, honestness instead of honesty. With these...

There is not a man of common sense who would not chuse to be agreeable in company; and yet, strange as it may seem, very few are

Clouds are high flying Fog

You poor dear! Imagine having to wear Mark’s trousers! He’s a lovely lad, but I wouldn’t wish that fate on anyone. God only knows who’s been in them!

I don’t care who you hang out with, so long as it’s either me or my clones. See, I’m not a jealous type.

Drunken men give some of the best pep talks.

The Democratic Party supports criminals and Islamic terrorists but has no sympathy for taxpayers.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

I invented a Love Machine. You should buy two, one as a backup—or to run both simultaneously while you masturbate.

I tried all kinds of approaches: sexy, friendly, intimidating—nothing worked. I’m starting to think there’s an invisible force field that prevents honest communication between X and Y chromosomes.

I could either buy one missile, or 88,000 cups of coffee. Both would wake me up, but the coffee would also wake up North Korea. I’ll go with the coffee.

You know, in some cultures, when you save someone’s life, you’re then responsible for it.”Allison thought about telling him she’d seen the same movie and was pretty sure the claim was bogus. Instead, she offered...

If she can’t spell, why is she a librarian? Librarians should know how to spell.

Here Mickey, smell this and see if it’s still good,” and I open it and take a whiff before noticing the fuzz. Like that.

Obviousism—I would give you a definition, but the definition would only be an example of the word.

Really? Why don’t you call your local comedy club and ask for the Saturday night lineup? I guarantee you the male to female ratio is going to be about nine to one. You dick-wad.

I love Blue Ribbon coffee, and she loves Red Ribbon coffee. I don’t love her, because how could I love someone who loves losers?

Live the message, don’t just read about it and preach.

It’s hard to imagine talking to Lucy. But I can imagine sleeping with her. I have been imagining it quite regularly. I can’t stop imagining it. Maybe it’s time for my first Lucy Branch, my...

Quotes are echos of voices transporting wisdom, humor, and love. Returning again to the human condition, fleeting once more as a dove.

I frankly felt like the reception we received on the way in from the airport was very warm and hospitable. And I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave — with...

Ethan: “You think I’m a hero?”Beth: “Yes.”Ethan: “But lousy husband material?” Like that really mattered to him.Beth: “Don’t sweat it. So was Superman.

You can’t put water back in a cloud after a rain like you can with a sponge. Coffee flows out of my penis, and though it’s less caffeinated, it’s just as drinkable.

I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache, they’d take me seriously. #catch22

Aku telah mengidap sakit gila nomor enam belas: yakni penyakit manusia yang membuat dunia sendiri dalam kepalanya, menciptakan masalah-masalahnya sendiri, terpuruk di dalamnya, lalu menyelesaikan masalah-masalah itu, sambil tertawa-tawa, juga sendirian.

I surround myself with books when I write, thus surrounding myself with writers… only they don’t critique me and then get up for coffee.

Aside from myself, there aren’t too many people trying to be me. That may change in the future, when all my clones arrive.

What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.

I eat east and west, and I eat them at the same time. But I drink my coffee north to south.

Shoot, you’re a smart one, you are. Then how ‘bout I jes say that a feller can get pretty lonesome by hisself in a strange country and he’d like to keep compn’y with you fer...