A blanket could be split in two—divided in half, like hereditary territory one inherits. And once you’ve got half the blanket, you’d better stay on your side of the bed—or else I’m going to tell...

I’ll wipe a booger on your living room wall, not only to show I was there, but also to say thanks for having me over.

Not to be judgmental, but one thing I frankly find offensive is people who stand on street corners shaking cups with coins in them. … I mean, hey, I have money too, but you don’t...

Carisoprodol. Comes in a white tablet like a big-ass vitamin, 350 mg of muscle liquefier for those tense, recovering athletes and furniture movers. Too much, and those relaxed muscles include your diaphragm, then your heart.

Christianity and Buddhism are very much alike, especially Buddhism.

I shouldn’t be surprised. Catholicism is the ultimate loophole religion (sin, confess, repeat), so it makes sense that a priest would know better than anyone how to work the angles. Still, when you go to...

The boldest of the three (thieves) moved suddenly, grabbed Angua and pulled her upright. “We walk out of here unharmed or the girl gets it, all right?” he snarled. Someone sniggered. “I hope you’re not...

I don’t like rejection. One jection is enough for me. No need to give it to me again.

I often find myself in a room full of strangers, and very often it’s a tough crowd. But I’m a master networker, so for me, prison isn’t such a big deal. A smile extends much...

Mr. Acme comments that the new foodservice professionals in the cafeteria are two-headed carnival escapees and probably also wanted convicts. He expresses his deep conviction that the names they gave him are aliases and promises...

You know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.”And yet it is still extremely funny.

I wish I had money now. If only I’d saved my allowance growing up, instead of squandering it on balls, balloons, booze, and floozies.

Her chances of a decent marriage were about to be dashed-and all because of a ferret.

All right, shadow-priest, you’ve been spying — on what? What state secrets have you learned watching me groom these horses?”Only that they hate you, Daru. Every time your back was turned, they got ready to...

Grab life by the tail, and then pet it.

Hide things everywhere. Forget about them. Find them randomly and feel surprised like a pirate finding buried treasure. Avoid scurvy. Love more.

Somewhere in a galaxy far, far away there’s a person with more Twitter followers than you.

When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I reminded them of Orafoura’s shadow, I’d have a penny more than ninety nine cents. And even then that’s because I muttered it to...

There’s a fine line between support and stalking and let’s all stay on the right side of that.

The guys who play it [soccer] are kinda dumb. Why don’t they just kick the crap out of the guy in front of the net? Then they could score all they want.

A blanket could be used to keep people warm. But take it from me: you want to freeze those dead bodies as soon as they’re cold and lifeless, because you don’t want the bodies staying...

I’m running from the very person I’m chasing, and this is how I know I’m in love.

Over time, parents have barnacled the most routine activities in infancy with their own preoccupations. It’s sometimes hard to see the baby for all the barnacles.

I am an artist you know … it is my right to be odd.

To a Vase”How do I break thee? Let me count the ways.I break thee if thou art at any heightMy paw can reach, when, smarting from some slight,I sulk, or have one of my crazy...

Shigure: “That’s lovely. She’s so… how shall I say it? By putting it into words I’m afraid the nobility of it all would only be obscured.”Yuki: “Of what?”Shigure: “You know, she’s so spunky!”Kyo: “You sick...

Smartass Disciple: Master, I’m going to change the whole world.Master of Stupidity: It changes within you. It changes without you.

Like I live with my clone: with many pats on the back, accompanied by high flattery.

will be at noon.” I’d better write and mail all my love letters in my mannequin handwriting.

Well, speaking as a feminist, I’m glad that women can lead–uh, groups of unspeakable magical evil.””Yes,” Alan said gravely. “It’d be shoking if the evil magicians were sexist. For one thing, that would mean they...

Feelings are like chemicals, the more you analyze them the worse they smell.

If I had all the money in the world, I’d love seeing my name on billboards, buildings, and battleships. The only thing I wouldn’t like seeing my name on would be a credit card. Especially...

When I was extremely young and shockingly stupid, I thought you weren’t supposed to ever get angry at anybody you cared about (lest you suspect I’m exaggerating the “shockingly stupid” part, I also thought Mount...

I paid the cabman exactly his fare. He received it with an oath; upon which I instantly gave him a tract. If I had presented a pistol at his head, this abandoned wretch could hardly...

A blanket could be used to wrap up all the love I have to offer you, so it’ll be easier for you to carry it across the desert. You’d better get walking, because me and...

Old habits die hard. Especially if those old habits involve murder and death.

Oatmeal Face, Jawless, and the other revenants dragged me out of the van by the zip tie between my hands. The sharp plastic bit painfully into my wrists.”All right, all right, I’m coming,” I said....

He was a gentle and sensitive soul, and therefore had a short temper, which is why he went straight after everything with an ax…

Orange juice so fresh it’s like a straw in an apple. Change for a twenty? Five fives, if you’ve got them.

I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you this”, he begins. He doesn’t blush, and his eyes don’t dart away. Instead I find myself staring into a pair of oceans – one perfect, the other...

I might be 30 years old, but a girl never outgrows the need for her mother.

There was fried chicken in the litter box, so I helped myself and took a shit. I am a cat lover and a fan of KFC. I always take mine to go.

I said that additionally, since I was planning to nurse, it be best if you were off the breast before I came back to work. My boss just looked at me dreamily and said, ‘That...

He was a writer and words were his weapons.

Enjoying a cup of coffee and a good book, is there anything better? Only if literature were liquid and drinkable.

It is a fool of a shepherd who culls his dogs.

My clones just honored me with the 2012 Man of the Year Award. But I wasn’t fooled—I knew they were really honoring themselves.

I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?

You go Picasso!