Employers are like horses — they require management.

He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.

The principle I always go on in writing a novel is to think of the characters in terms of actors in a play. I say to myself, if a big name were playing this part,...

Water!’ cried Marie.’Vinegar!’ recommended the bell-boy.’Eu-de-Cologne!’ said Bill.’Pepper!’ said Lord Tidmouth.Mary had another suggestion.’Give her air!’So had the bell-boy.’Slap her hands!’Lord Tidmouth went further.’Sit on her head!’ he advised.

…writing Jeeves stories gives me a great deal of pleasure and keeps me out of the public houses.

Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy’s Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day’s work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city’s...

I mean to say, I know perfectly well that I’ve got, roughly speaking, half the amount of brain a normal bloke ought to possess. And when a girl comes along who has about twice the...

Into the face of the young man who sat on the terrace of the Hotel Magnifique at Cannes there had crept a look of furtive shame, the shifty hangdog look which announces that an Englishman...

The storm is over, there is sunlight in my heart. I have a glass of wine and sit thinking of what has passed.

This was not Aunt Dahlia, my good and kindly aunt, but my Aunt Agatha, the one who chews broken bottles and kills rats with her teeth.

Stimulated by the juice, I believe, men have even been known to ride alligators.

You won’t mind my calling you Comrade, will you? I’ve just become a socialist. It’s a great scheme. You ought to be one. You work for the equal distribution of property, and start by collaring...

She looked like something that might have occured to Ibsen in one of his less frivolous moments.

Red hair, sir, in my opinion, is dangerous.

…there was practically one handwriting common to the whole school when it came to writing lines. It resembled the movements of a fly that had fallen into an ink-pot, and subsequently taken a little brisk...

Excuse me, I must go and putt

The voice of a donkey braying in the neighbouring meadow seemed like the mocking laughter of demons.

There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

There is no pathos more bitter than that of parting from someone we have never met.

It is the bungled crime that brings remorse.

Luck is a goddess not to be coerced and forcibly wooed by those who seek her favours. From such masterful spirits she turns away. But it happens sometimes that, if we put our hand in...

He’s such a dear, Mr. Garnet. A beautiful, pure, bred Persian. He has taken prizes.””He’s always taking something – generally food.

Squiffy, have you ever felt a sort of strange emptiness in the heart? A sort of aching void of the soul?”Oh, rather!”What do you do about it?”I generally take a couple of cocktails.

Cosy Moments cannot be muzzled!

It was one of those days you sometimes get latish in the autumn when the sun beams, the birds toot, and there is a bracing tang in the air that sends the blood beetling briskly...

There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, ‘Do trousers matter?'””The mood will pass, sir.

The awful part of the writing game is that you can never be sure the stuff is any good.

If you don’t want me to attend the patient I’ll go.”But she can’t see a doctor now.”Why not?”She isn’t well.

Captain Bradbury’s right eyebrow had now become so closely entangled with his left that there seemed no hope of ever extricating it without the aid of powerful machinery.

In a series of events, all of which had been a bit thick, this, in his opinion, achieved the maximum of thickness.

Suiffy, have you ever felt a sort of strange emptiness in the heart? A sort of aching void of the soul?”Oh, rather!”What do you do about it?”I generally take a couple of cocktails.

When you have been just told that the girl you love is definitely betrothed to another, you begin to understand how Anarchists must feel when the bomb goes off too soon.

I’m bound to say that New York’s a topping place to be exiled in. Everybody was awfully good to me, and there seemed to be plenty of things going on, and I’m a wealthy bird,...

I just sit at my typewriter and curse a bit.

It would take more than long-stemmed roses to change my view that you’re a despicable cowardy custard and a disgrace to a proud family. Your ancestors fought in the Crusades and were often mentioned in...

It was a nasty look. It made me feel as if I were something the dog had brought in and intended to bury later on, when he had time.

Half a leagueHalf a leagueHalf a league onwardWith a hey-nonny-nonnyAnd a hot cha-cha.

I’m not absolutely certain of the facts, but I rather fancy it’s Shakespeare who says that it’s always just when a fellow is feeling particularly braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind...

She was, in short, melted by his distress, as so often happens with the female sex. Poets have frequently commented on this. You are probably familiar with the one who said, “Oh, woman in our...

I couldn’t have made a better shot, if I had been one of those detectives who see a chap walking along the street and deduce that he is a retired manufacturer of poppet valves named...

It was my Uncle George who discovered alcohol was a food well in advance of modern medical thought.

What’s the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don’t yield to them?

The ideas of debtor and creditor as to what constitutes a good time never coincide.

What George was thinking was that the late king Herod had been unjustly blamed for a policy which had been both statesmanlike and in the interests of the public. He was blaming the mawkish sentimentality...

[A]lways get to the dialogue as soon as possible. I always feel the thing to go for is speed. Nothing puts the reader off more than a big slab of prose at the start.”(Interview, The...

She gave me another of those long keen looks, and I could see that she was again asking herself if her favourite nephew wasn’t steeped to the tonsils in the juice of the grape.

And so the merry party began. It was one of those jolly, happy, bread-crumbling parties where you cough twice before you speak, and then decide not to say it after all.

I mean, imagine how some unfortunate Master Criminal would feel, on coming down to do a murder at the old Grange, if he found that not only was Sherlock Holmes putting in the weekend there,...

What ho!” I said.”What ho!” said Motty.”What ho! What ho!””What ho! What ho! What ho!”After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation.

Morning, Bill,’ said Lord Tidmouth agreeably.’Go to hell!’ said Bill.’Right-ho,’ said his lordship.