I don’t know. I don’t understand how boys think. If I knew that I’d be a millionare.

After being videotaped, I found that I talk a lot with my hands. Especially if my hands are covered with socks. I guess I get really nervous on first dates.

The other shoppers were too well behaved to stare at the green-headed stoner and the tear-streaked lady zigzagging up the aisles with a chubby bearded guy scurrying behind them picking up the things they dropped.

Personal branding is more important today than ever. Today is today, right? If today is tomorrow, and it soon will be, then personal branding is even more important. If you haven’t started branding yourself, what...

Civilization is vastly overrated.

The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.

But the goal of the arts, culinary or otherwise, is not to increase our comfort. That is the goal of an easy chair.

Here’s your first problem,” he said, pointing at a sentence. “‘Religion is the opium of the people.’ Well, I don’t know about people, but I think you’ll find that the opium of pirates is actual...

Graffiti is one of the few tools you have if you have almost nothing. And even if you don’t come up with a picture to cure world poverty you can make someone smile while they’re...

You and me-we’ve whored together. We’ve fought together.And I still dunna understand how ye always seems to know where the money is hidden and the liquor is stored and the scandals are richest.’It’s a gift.

Vampire politics make the very complicated dance of manners that is werewolf protocol look like the Hokey Pokey.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she’s strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

I shook my head. “I’m good, Nicky helped.”Nicky looked at Edward. “She’s having one of those what-if-killing-feels-really-good, doesn’t-that-make-me-a-bad-person moments.” Edward nodded as if that made perfect sense. “Then it feels good. We can’t really control...

Oh, you’re a picky sort, huh?” He laughed. “That takes balls, being choosy at a time like this.

And what about us? Do you want a vampire boyfriend?” He laughed bitterly. “Because I forsee many romantic picnics in our future. You, drinking a virgin piña colada. Me, drinking the blood of a virgin.

You know what you are, Sam Brody?” she whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck. “A big, fat tease.” They both knew there wasn’t an ounce of fat on him. They also both knew exactly...

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.

If it is what it isn’t, it must be love. And I must be in it.

Babies don’t come with instruction booklets. You’d learn the same way we all do — you’d read up on dinosaurs, you’d Google backhoes and skidders. And you don’t need a penis to go buy a...

It was raining, so I handed her a spoon. If God had wanted man to stay dry, He wouldn’t have invented soup.

aptitude” for math, but all you got in the end was a B minus. The truth is you weren’t even trying. But then you got low Cs and Ds in all your other classes and...

Out of love I made you a cake. Also out of milk, eggs, flour, sugar, and vanilla.

yes,” and only recently did I learn it’s spelled o-​u-​i and not w-​e-​e.

The beauty of the ocean, it takes your breath away. Especially if you’re underwater. She also took my breath away. She suffocated me with her love.

Damas y caballeros. Me temo que lo que voy a decir arruinará su apetito, pero la verdad es siempre bella, y debo declarar que: ¡las empanadas de la Sra. Lovett están hechas nada menos que...

My pants pant like a dog, and they drool at the zippered mouth. When I go for a walk, they go for a walk. Now, if only they could play fetch.

If you have to worry about a man, he’s not worth worrying about.

You can have your cake, but you can’t eat it. You have to sit there and watch me scarf it down.

I cannot bear to associate with the ordinary run of people. I have to surround myself with individuals who for the most part are more than a trifle insane

The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families.

I care. They bother me. And that’s why I’m stupid. That makes me exponentially more stupid than stupid. I’m stupid to the power of stupid.

I got arrested for driving naked. I guess I shouldn’t have put four wheels, an engine, and a steering wheel on my bathtub. I’m a do-it-yourself kind of lover.

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

She gave me the cold shoulder, so I heated it up in the microwave. Sometimes #love is leftovers.

Uh, wait an hour?

I think ghosts think I think they taste like cheese. I also think ghosts think I love cheese more than any other food. That’s why I’ve never seen a ghost. They’re afraid of me, afraid...

Uh, maybe I could just get myself, you know, privately…?” I suggested. I regretted it immediately, and felt my faceflush with warmth. What the hell was I going to do? Ask Lonif he had any...

Want coffee?” I asked, as I headed that way.”It’s three thirty in the morning.””Okay. Want coffee?

He offered to make-out with Hunter if it would prove that he’s ok with me being gay.””Hmm,” said Adam. “Yeah I think I need to see proof.””Shut up.””Tell him it has to be shirtless. Wait,...

I know that big people don’t like questions from children. They can ask all the questions they like, How’s school? Are you a good boy? Did you say your prayers? but if you ask them...

I can count all the lovers I’ve had on one hand…if I’m holding a calculator.

In the future, I’ll be furniture. Step on me now or sit on me later, but either way let me know how I can make you feel comfortable.

Yo Mama’s so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

I knew that Sundays in England aren’t just ordinary dull Sundays, the same the world over, which demand that one simply tiptoe through without disturbing them or paying them the least attention, they are vaster...

It’s called being antisocial.

The Getsmart PrayerI do my laundry and you do yours,I am not in this life to listen to your ceaseless yammering,And you are not in this world for any discernable reason at all.You are you,...

Never more than once.

Kill all the prisoners, because they’re costing us too much money. Wait! No, kill all the politicians, because they’re spending too much money.

But had I accepted the pickle juice, I would be drinking pickle juice right now.

My mother told me that life isn’t always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her...