As an animal lover, I don’t like zoos. I feel the only creatures that should be caged behind bars are politicians, lobbyists, and lawyers. And rapists, but I’ve already listed that three times.

Remember to remember: sometimes your adversary is your biggest asset. Where would David be without Goliath? Jesus without Judas?

I bet you’ve seen the fundamentalist bumper sticker that says, “God said it! I believe it! That settles it!” It must be a typo because what the driver really means is, “I said it! God...

Maybe I will buy my nephew an aquarium for his next birthday. It’s got to be better than the bathroom sink, which is where my brother is keeping him now.

His joy was a release of Paul’s conversion, not the heavy backslapping practical-joking humor of the Victorians, nor the cynical satire or the flippancy of the twenty first century mass media, just the gift of...

It is clear that men accept an immediate pain rather than an immediate pleasure, but only because they expect a greater pleasure in the future. Often the pleasure is illusory, but their error in calculation...

My wife is younger. At one point, I was twice her age. Of course, I was six at the time.

I have a good ear for music, just like Van Gogh had a good ear for art.

Great,” I mumbled, walking back behind the counter.

For two years I was seeing a sex therapist. I’m now seeing a sex therapist.

My dad always used to tell me __________________. My dad never told me anything. He had nothing to say, and even less to say to me.

Life is a pigsty.

I never said nothing… I know you never! I could hear you not saying anything! You’ve got the loudest silences I ever did hear from anyone who wasn’t dead!

My kitchen sink has no truck attached. My love needs a waterproof suitcase in these Days of Desert and Dessert. Who are you going to come running to when the Ice Cream Man melts?

I honk at protestors to show my support, and also tell them to get the fuck out of my way.

I have been quiet today because fear in my heart has been fighting with frustration in my brain, leaving little energy for my mouth.

CIA. Global, mobile, with a cause that’s noble.

My mom died. Then my dad died. I’ll try to do better next time.

It’s cloaked in cultural mumbo jumbo, but I assure you that it is very hard science.

The Americans, who are the most efficient people on the earth, have carried [phrase-making] to such a height of perfection and have invented so wide a range of pithy and hackneyed phrases that they can...

I am marvelously absurd in my cloudless thought formation.

A blanket isn’t the solution, a blanket is the problem. I say we burn all the blankets, along with the bodies of the unbelievers.

Your friend’s poetry is terrible,” he said.Clary blinked, caught momentarily off guard. “What?””I said his poetry was terrible. It sounds like he ate a dictionary and started vomiting up words at random.

Secret 4081312. Every bullet’s magic if you’ve got a magic gun.

The smell of silence looks like the ghost of my grandpa. My love is deeper than six feet of dirt, and considerably easier to shovel.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Soylent Green” No matter how many times I see that movie, I still get a hankerin’ for a Big Mac.

But we left camp after a while and we was driving in a real spooky place cause all the roads up near camp are dark and in the woods and we had to drive for...

In the absence of a cat, I’d consider cuddling with a synthetic fur coat. Especially if your dead grandma was wearing it.

People go to church for the same reasons they go to a tavern: to stupefy themselves, to forget their misery, to imagine themselves, for a few minutes anyway, free and happy.– Circular Letter to My...

Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.

I’m thinking of killing everyone whose name is a palindrome

A brick could be fired out of a cannon, in an attempt to bring down a brick wall, just as index fingers could be severed and flicked at politicians, to try to correctly redirect blame.

Then you’re aping him. Valentine was one of the most arrogant and disrespectful men I’ve ever met. I suppose he brought you up to be just like him.””Yes,” Jace said, unable to help himself, “I...

Secret 1.4. The real question isn’t whether you’re cleared for top secret, it’s whether you’re cleared for unclassified.

You won’t ever catch me wearing an oven mitt, because what’s wrong with a regular condom? If I’m wearing an oven mitt, I’m too late, because you’ve already got one in the oven.

A well-read woman is a dangerous creature.

Supposing an emperor was persuaded to wear a new suit of clothes whose material was so fine that, to the common eye, the clothes weren’t there. And suppose a little boy pointed out this fact...

I buy my clothes large, so I feel comfortable gaining weight. When I love, I do it in two sizes—extra large, and refill.

Handsome hero wanted.Brave in the face of certain danger.Must be willing to get naked with other species.At least six-inch penis required.Fee is negotiable.

He looked back at her, and when she saw the look on his face, she saw his eyes at Renwick’s, when he had watched the Portal that separated him from his home shatter into a...

Some parts of the Bible I find a little troubling. For example, if Jesus really believed in nonviolence, why did He destroy the Death Star?

I am a leg of the death tripod that will destroy our foes.

Yes, I will.

It’s a terrible thing for a man when his woman gangs up on him wi’ a toad

I was too late to be early. Good thing I was on time. And though my I love you was said at the right moment, my aim was off and I hit the wrong person.

The wind helps me unwind. I make love like Don Quixote windmilled into history.

Nerd love. It is a beautiful thing, while also being an object of mockery and hilarity for those of us who are more sophisticated.

Unfortunately when I’m on my death bed I believe I’ll be like most people and still looking for Jesus. And yes I’ve checked my sock drawer.

Are you sure you weren’t adopted?””Mom would like to think so, but it was a natural birth, so her memory’s real clear.

When did you become a woman?”-HatoriHow dare you ask that after you have seen me naked so many times…”-YukiGASP! No it cant be! Yuki-kun, does that mean…” fan club girlsNO! He’s my doctor…”Yuki