There’s always someone we’d love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident

Or just one with a boner.

It wouldn’t necessarily be tongue in cheek if a woman told me I kiss like a toothbrush. And I do. In fact, 9 out of 10 dentists recommend kissing me right before bed. Oh, and...

Not only is my lover invisible, but she’s also nonexistent. Talk about a cheap date!

They say power corrupts, but most of the time it’s actually faulty storage media.

One piece of wisdom a writer quickly learns ~ typos keep you humble.

The length of people I love is too long to list. But if you were to do it, it would look like a phone book.

There’s a fine line between stuff, and if you stare at it long enough it’ll drive you insane or to genius

I had this vision of the two of us holding hands or getting into some light petting behind shower curtains or up in the fencing aisle or some shit.

Strawberries are so red they make me feel 33% patriotic.

I’ve got a way with love. Away with love.

Wanna analyze my pocket litter?

If that’s the case, waiter, please bring me another piece of cake,” Gramps said as lunch was brought to the table, “I’m all for fighting tyranny and oppression.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been a cat guy. Every night as I go to sleep, I have this particular fantasy I indulge in. Most men dream about naked women, but...

Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to lose…. and when you revel in victory, make like it’s a dirty win

To the stupidity of men, ” Dakota said, raising a glass. “And my brother, who is their king.

Be confident because the odds are in your favor.’ He clears his throat, like talking this much hurts him. ‘Not because you’re a special snowflake.

The police thought she tried to kill me, and that’s what I thought too, so I tried to kill myself, so my attempted suicide would take away their suspicious of her attempted murder. Now that’s...

The baloney weighed the raven down, and the shopkeeper almost caught him as he whisked out the delicatessen door.

Threat Level Fuchsia. Fuchsia!

Thomas: Is it [my brain] fixed?Brenda: It worked, judging from the fact that you’re not trying to kill us anymore…

I might be half Derek’s size, but I was the one who sounded like a two-hundred-pound beast plowing through the woods.

Did you know that man had the nerve to lasso me while I was out in the woods?

She has a sexy radio voice, which is perfect because I have a sexy radio body. Trust me, it’s sexy.

It’s not that I want you to go, it’s just that I don’t want you to stay.” – China Sorrows –

Secret 4.1023020. War is politics by other meanies.

Joshua’s ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times a day, and although there were some high and low points, I could never remember the sermons word for word, but here’s the gist of...

Miss Edmonton: I don’t even know where to start. It’s too horrifying to even speak of.Jenny: Nonsense. Let’s start with the basics. What did your aunt tell you?Miss Edmonton: My aunt said that my husband...

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst.

Is Lisa going to the prom?’I shelved my worries for the moment. ‘I don’t know, Mom. We don’t talk about the You-Know-What. We made a pact.’You could go together, if you didn’t want to mess...

In every possible instance Saint Paul begged Christians to restrain themselves to contain their carnal yearnings to live solitary and sexless lives on earth as it is in heaven. “But if they cannot contain ”...

A car’s gas tank should be see-through, so I don’t have to rely on a possibly faulty gauge to tell me it’s approaching empty. The human heart should also be see-through, so I can tell...

What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger…unless it instead snaps your spine. Then it makes you a paraplegic.

Well, in Shades’ Hill you may be able to eat cold bacon and dirt pies off one another’s asses for all your old master cares. But now you’re a Gentleman Bastard, emphasis on the Gentleman....

I don’t know where my ideas come from. I will admit, however, that one key ingredient is caffeine. I get a couple cups of coffee into me and weird things just start to happen.

I know. That sounds like a lie. But Presbyterians know that every so often a lie isn’t all that bad, and I figured that this was about the best place it could happen.

No easy answers? I know plenty of answers that’ll do it on the very first date.

You’re not celibate, then?” I breathe. Amusement lights up his eyes.”No, Anastasia, I’m not celibate.

Her name was Melody, and she was like a song. A song on mute—because she was mute. Music to my heart.

It’s often said when a baby is born so is a grandparent; well, for me it turned out that when I was born it was also the birth of a Ding Dong.

When it comes to your self-esteem, it is best not to value the opinions of deluded psychopaths.

Last night I stayed up late talking about tomorrow, and today I regret it because I was way off (by about 24 hours).

What’s the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyone in possession of a penis? I’ll tell myself that a sandwich is masculine because if left alone for...

On the directory map in CIA Headquarters lobby, it says ‘You Aren’t Here.

He’s acting as foolish as a kitten… but then, everyone’s entitled to a little foolishness once in a while.

With the money I spend on alcohol, I could support a family of four, assuming they are all heavy drinkers.

I know by now you think I should have straightened myself out – Thank you, drop dead!

And there was this sweet-looking little old lady with her white hair in a bun and everything, the typical grandmother type, and she was swearing her head off. I guess Alzheimer’s had brought out her...

Driving is better than walking, because hitting is better than being hit.

The way I saw it, if my students were willing to pretend I was a teacher, the least I could do was return the favor and pretend that they were writers.