I was raised the old-fashioned way, with a stern set of moral principles: Never lie, cheat, steal or knowingly spread a venereal disease. Never speed up to hit a pedestrian or, or course, stop to...

If you’re a cannibal, an Olympic sprinter would be considered fast food.

I can’t go on, I’ll go on.

I do.

Selbst wenn der Kahn sinken sollte, ich würde Karsten nicht in den Fluten ersaufen lassen wie Rose, diese selbstsüchtige Schlampe, die noch mehr als genug Platz hatte auf ihrer Scheißtür, oder was auch immer das...

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

Lend me your ears and you can borrow my mind

Maybe one day I could fly all over the world and meet other interesting birds.

I never asked my mother where babies came from but I remember clearly the day she volunteered the information….my mother called me to set the table for dinner. She sat me down in the kitchen,...

Let’s all roll up our sleeves and get back to work. Or let’s create jobs where other people roll up other people’s sleeves, so these other people can get to work helping other people get...

I was raised right — I talk about people behind their backs. It’s called manners.

I gave her all the love I had to give—which wasn’t 100%, but rather 10%. The other 90% either evaporated or got stolen in the name of war reparations.

A brick can be used to represent the zero probability of this book being any good.

I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.

You don’t have to make something that people call art. Living is an artistic activity, there is an art to getting through the day.

What you’d call stealing, I’d call a mistake. Or, if I were a politician, I’d call it an opportunity, and my privilege.

I was just teasing,” I say. “I myself don’t like to eat plain butter, but hey, it’s a free world.

Of all the fish, in all the bars in the world, she had to not walk into mine. Maybe my love isn’t evolved enough for her.

When I was a boy, I would read those postcards and know exactly why my father was doing what he was doing: he was taking a stab at greatness, that is, if greatness is simply...

I had a dream about you. You were on a bike going 70 miles an hour, I could see you approaching my car in the mirror. You were trying to say something so, I jumped...

I’m creating a self help show called Self Talk. I’ll insult myself for an hour then open phone lines to a fitness coach & my mother-in-law.

A finger point plus a thumb’s up is a handgun. Don’t worry, it’s not loaded. Now the mashed potatoes, they’re loaded. Dangerously delicious.

Late twenties, single, female. Do the math.Flirty flings were fabulous until you hit the big three-O, all downhillfrom there. Biological clocks started ticking like time bombs waiting todetonate, gravity exerted more force on your life...

Okay, okay, okay … go to your corners, boys. This is a nice Aubusson carpet you’re standing on. You get blood on it and I’ll have Fritz so far up my ass I’ll be coughing...

Is this a game? We just blurt out whatever word comes next to mind? In that case mine’s ‘genuphobia’. It means an unreasonable fear of knees.” “What’s the word for a perfectly reasonable fear of...

I’m so shy I make Bigfoot look like a socialite. Networking’s not a mystery to me—but I’m mythical to networking.

You know, drinking milk doesn’t make your boobs get any bigger.

If our limbic system betrays our true intentions, and it’s beyond our conscious control, then only a fool would consider lying a wise course of action. Politicians are full of such wisdom.

Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.

There is nothing more romantic than candles and flowers, except candles that smell like flowers and flowers that can be burned, as they flicker light while you dine alone and ponder how much of a...

An artist is somebody who produces things that people don’t need to have.

I have been meditating on the very great pleasure which a pair of fine eyes in the face of a pretty women can bestow.’ Miss Bingley immediately fixated her eyes on his face, and desired...

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.

I Voted” sticker on it, so perhaps it’s as disgusted with politics as politicians are disgusting.

No wonder kids grow up crazy. A cat’s cradle is nothing but a bunch of X’s between somebody’s hands, and little kids look and look and look at all those X’s . . .””And?””No damn...

…What do you do with all your money?””Me and the French hoard gold.

And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.

My friends call me Two Socks Kintz. They used to call me Barefoot Orafoura, but then someone gave me some socks. That was mighty kind of them.

The simple act of sitting here sipping this cappuccino is its own testament to my commitment to living the writer’s life. Which is to say: doing nothing but doing it exceedingly well.

A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.

Were you born this infuriating?””It’s taken me years of practice.

They say there are twelve steps to quitting something. But what if that something is playing with a slinky? Seems like you should be able to quit playing with a slinky using no steps.

On a good day, my style is librarian chic. On a bad day, it’s frumpy mother.

He’s being silent again. Tell him to be quiet.

A lie makes up 3/4ths of life.

I never felt so fervently thankful, so soothed, so tranquil, so filled with a blessed peace, as I did yesterday when I learned that Michael Angelo was dead.

I sleep on my side. And if you’re not on my side, you’re against me.

Close your eyes and picture it. Can you see it?”I nod, eyes closed.”Imagine it right there before you. See its texture, shape, and color—got it?”I smile, holding the image in my head.”Good. Now reach out...

My voice smells like a shout. Especially when I eat silence.

Don’t talk sign language and masturbate at the same time. Not unless you’re translating a Presidential State of the Union address.