I make art and I make love, and I almost always do both at the same time. If the cops ask, I’ll tell them I was framed. Same goes for the museum.

The theist and the scientist are rival interpreters of nature, the one retreats as the other advances.

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

Mathematics education is much more complicated than you expected, even though you expected it to be more complicated than you expected.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

Watch over Honoria, will you? See that she doesn’t marry an idiot.

Punctuation, is? fun!

George Bush isn’t Hitler. He could be if he applied himself.

…but with the hours I sometimes kept at the coffeehouse I had to have learned to take naps during the day or die, and I had learned to take naps. Up until five months ago...

He’s doing you know what!

I admit I get the occasional headache,” I said. “I admit some of my hangovers are epic. But usually all it takes for me to bounce back is a sauna, cold-plunge pool, steam bath, massage,...

What a refreshing mind you have, young man. There really is nothing quite like total ignorance, is there?

I had a dream about you. You invited me to a picnic, so I brought two bottles of mustard—one for me, and one for the guy who always holds your leash. When I got there...

So. Monday. We meet again.We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.

A dam doesn’t try to reason with the water. Its main purpose is to hold it still for a while. When I lecture my kids I’m doing much the same thing. I’m not trying to...

Brains were no good to a working man; they only made him discontented and saucy and lose his jobs. She’d seen it happen again and again.

I saw the corpse, and I called the cops. But not before I called a 1-800 phone sex number with the dead guy’s phone and credit card.

Make love. I meant make love … of course. I would never just stick my dick in you. I would make mad, passionate love to this sweet, sweet body of yours for days, no, weeks....

I had a dream about you. Your face was puffy, like a puffer fish, only puffier, and I thought it was from crying. Nope, turns out you were just fat. But at least you were...

I’ve just finished reading some of my early papers, and you know, when I’d finished I said to myself, ‘Rutherford, my boy, you used to be a damned clever fellow.’ (1911)

Bishop was all done with the witty converstaion. ‘Will you swear?’And Myrnin said, shockingly, ‘I will.’ And he proceeded to, a string of swearwords that made Claire blink. He ended with, ‘—frothy fool-born apple-john! Cheater...

A blanket could be used to quell the rebellion. Wait until all the men are asleep before you kill them, rape them, and declare victory. Actually, it would be better to rape the men before...

She told me she’d never forget me as long as she lived, and I got offended, because what, as soon as she dies I’m forgotten? Gee, thanks. I see how much I mean to her.

{Summertime she speaks of winter, she eats ham, but speaks of beef, got a good man but, flirts with another. She might as well go to hell, cause she ain’t gonna be happy in heaven...

The people of the United States will do anything for Latin America, except read about it.

(I didn’t tell him that thediagnosis came three months after I got my first period. Like: Congratulations! You’re a woman. Now die.)

She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he’s not… you know, better.””Define BETTER with that guy.””Not all fangs and raaaaar.

A blanket could be used to say hello to all the goodbyes I was too blind to hear. I’m hungry for a bowl full of mute, but my favorite restaurant is out of the Helen...

When she broke up with me, I didn’t break down or break in to her apartment just to break out of my funk. I didn’t break any dishes either, but I did break dance.

‘Jane’s World’ has pushed the boundaries for mainstream comic strips: girls have kissed, punched each other, have been abducted by aliens, taken steamy showers together and turned into monkeys. Jane has been through a lot...

Mom actually said that?” Cassie’s face shown with happiness. “She always hated my math!””Nah,” Martin said. “She was just being that way for you. She thought it was what you needed to hear. If parents...

I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.

I’m going to have to give him shit for all this,’ Shane said, as he wandered around. ‘He lives alone and makes his bed? Who does that?”People who like things neat?”Its not natural.

A blanket could be used for selfish reasons. I would list those reasons, but they’re mine—all of them. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.

Dead men’s fingernails make lovely shallow-grave shovels.

Star, pillows don’t attack dogs,” Sam said.”Or anything else,” Turtle added.

A man grows weary of having no lovers but his fingers.

Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion… perhaps around their...

Then again, in some of our meetings, the Upyri bring cocktails, shaking both cocks and tails. Bitches. You can’t live with them, they can’t live without you. It’s a lose-lose situation.

A blanket could be used to alter the future. But so can setting your watch ahead five minutes. Trust me, I’ve been to the future, and I was late.

I may look like someone you know. I resemble an apple pie.

In another telling anomaly of the meat-grinding business, many of the larger slaughterhouses will sell their product only to grinders who agree to not test their product for E. coli contamination–until after it’s run through...

So much good, so much evil. Just add water.

Me and my readers, we’re on the same page. That page is one.

A fallow mind is a field of discontent.

I suppose I could get a job to have something to do, but working when I don’t have to work would be like pulling a straight and healthy tooth — pointless and extremely painful.”–David Palmer

A brick could be used to replace a flat tire. After all, you want to replace like with like, and what’s more flat than a brick?

A smile, a smirk, and a wink walk into a bar, and the bartender asks them what they’ll have to drink, and I didn’t hear what they ordered because I was onstage giving an exciting...

When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.

I’m English. We’re about as tactful as a hot poker up the bum, most of the time.