I’m drinking your reply. Maybe isn’t too hot or cold, so I’m chugging it.

Anyone that looked like that wouldn’t need to tie up girls and imprison them in order to get them to marry him

…slow and drunk is no match for fast and scared shitless.

The best reason to fall in love is because you’re alive, your heart is open, and your wallet is empty. I prefer women with lots of money.

Reading good books ruins you for enjoying bad books.

Yeah, the execution

I prefer kissing over dinner. Not that I prefer kissing to dinner, but I prefer kissing over the plate containing my dinner, especially if my dinner consists of something romantic like monkey brains.

Isn’t Hollywood a dump — in the human sense of the word. A hideous town, pointed up by the insulting gardens of its rich, full of the human spirit at a new low of debasement.

New Rule: You can’t force the ATM to do something it doesn’t want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of me at the Citibank ATM, but you’ve been standing there punching buttons for ten...

My therapist told me that I over-analyze everything. I explained to him that he only thinks this because of his unhappy relationship with his mother.

Who’d win in a fight of love? A shark in the desert, or an eagle in the ocean? My money’s on the stripper’s ass.

This is the sixty-nine,” I told him, presenting the magazine in front of him. I put my fingers — two of them — on the action, so that he would not overlook it. “Why is...

Etiquette, or dog in the original Coptic, means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely essential.

I’m going to get ‘I’M NOT FUCKING DEAD’ tattooed on my chest.””That will become inaccurate at some point, ” Omar pointed out.

I was able to preserve my integrity, in jars along with strawberries.

For months in the fall of 2001, our highways looked like a county fair on wheels. “Look out, Al-Qaeda—patriot on board!” I once saw a guy with five flags tell a guy with four flags...

Never postpone until tomorrow what you can postpone until the day after.

Then the small man suddenly ran after them and said:”I want to get my haircut. I say, do you know a little shop anywhere where they cut hair properly? I keep on having my hair...

If I had my way no one should be taught to read until after he had passed his hundredth year. In that way, and in that way only can we protect our youth from the...

Nobody taught me to be like this. I was born this way. Since I opened my eyes to the world, I have never slept with a man. Never. Just imagine what purity. I have nothing...

I feel like someone who has a parade named in their honor, and doesn’t get invited.

I’ve got daughters. Nine years old and six years old. First of all, I’m gonna teach them about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don’t want them PUNISHED with a baby.

If you’d just learn to do as I say from the beginning, I wouldn’t have to follow up your errors with reproving smirks and repeated ‘I told you so’s’.

Don’t worry about it; only worry about how people like her breed.

The Amulet of Samarkand. It was Simon Lovelace’s. Now it is yours. Soon it will be Simon Lovelace’s again. Take it and enjoy the consequences.

Nobody would use scissors to mow a golf course, I need a haircut, and I’ve only got 18 holes to do it in. If I had a wheelchair, maybe I could improve my handicap.

A string of burglaries is a crime necklace. Everything I have can be stolen except love, because I give it all away.

I asked Hillary why she had chosen Yale Law School over Harvard. She laughed and said, “Harvard didn’t want me.” I said I was sorry that Harvard turned her down. She replied, “No, I received...

Look, Laszlo. I’ll have the dentist with me, and I don’t want to alarm her any more than necessary. So take Vanna out of the backseat and stick her in the trunk.”Shanna halted. Her mouth...

Writing is my life. Life is my hobby.

We considered behaving, but it’s against our nature.

A clock is a pie, and my piece is between 1 and 12. It’s always time to love—especially if it’s filled with cinnamon apples.

I had a dream about you. We were in a band. I was the lead singer, guitar player, saxophonist, harpist, violinist, bassist, cellist, harmonica player, pianist, and drummer. Oh, and I played the trumpet. And...

Don’t do anything stupid.”Don’t worry,’ I whispered over the line, ‘I’m an expert on stupid.”You’re…”Like, I can spot stupidity, because I know it so well. The way an exterminator knows bugs really well, and can...

If you meet an angel, you will have not peace, but a fever.

it will be generally found that the popular joke is not true to the letter, but is true to the spirit. The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the...

Seriously, I ‘ve got to know if I need to protect you from people running with pencils.” ~ Laney

Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. —T-SHIRT

I’ve got a great body. It’s got four wheels under it and I drive it to work. I would give you a ride to work, but what am I, a camel? No, I’m the Love...

She’d run over Dankyo in an instant to get to Theo. Be a darn big bump in the road, but she’d do it.

As an American, I’d like to apologize-for everything.

When one is two, it is love, and one plus one equals three.

You have naked angels running around your house,” Jenna continued through her laughter. Gabby laughed louder.

In a moment of sheer terror, I realized I couldn’t feel my brain. It was there just a minute ago. Maybe I really was dead. “Do I look dead to you?

J is the sexiest letter, followed closely by a,r,o,d, and then k,i,n,t,z.

One day, we will live in a world without salads. It is a dream I have.

Things on the essential list: vodka, Nine Inch Nails, a steady supply of mortal men, and an all-purpose bitchy attitude.

I drank my lava lamp to get the party started. Later on I made love like a volcano, while I watched TV alone.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

Are you there vodka? It’s me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start...