I like girls who eat Carrots. ~ Louis Tomlinson

Rollie Fingers called. He wants his fingers back. And his mustache. Too bad I sold them to 1969 to buy some free love. Wait, if it was free, why did I buy it? 1969 ripped...

They’re really into it, laughing and teasing each other, and I am looking at Pam and thinking once again how she is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen and that if we were...

I write what I want to read. If I were to write what I know, I’d be staring at a blank page forever.

Writing is turning life’s worst moments into money.

New Rule: If an Evangelical tries to use Halloween to pimp Jesus to kids, they get to egg his house. On Halloween, the president of the American Family Association urged his flock to hand out...

As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight.

If you are involved with the intensity of crescendo situations, with the intensity of tragedy, you might begin to see the humor of these situations as well. As in music, when we hear the crescendo...

There’s and entire world outside these bleak pages, one full of SUNRISES and KITTY-CATS and late-night BURRITO RUNS and the horrible, creaking amble of us all towards DEATH. It is to that world that I...

Waking up each day, is like you are in the Basketball Court dribbling the ball, its up to you.. If you wan’t to pass the ball or passed through the wall.

In a world of full of manipulation, half-truths and lies, the conspiracy theory is often a safer bet than the official story.

My God, the corruptions of literature. It put all these notions into our heads.

Great. I’d been dumped in Hell’s waiting room.

My ambition is as deep as your pockets. I’m an aspiring politician.

A skyscraper is to a brick as a pyramid is to____________A) a vagina, B) a particular vagina, or C) your mother’s vagina.

I’m going to tell you something once and then whether you die is strictly up to you,” Westley said, lying pleasantly on the bed. “What I’m going to tell you is this: drop your sword,...

My bedroom is a fridge with a window, because I can’t sleep unless it’s cold. I cuddle like warm meatloaf, but hardly ever with warm meatloaf.

Wayne’s a little attached to that hat,” Waxillium said. “He thinks it’s lucky.”Wayne: “It is lucky. I ain’t never died while wearing that hat.” Marasi frowned. “I … I’m not sure I know how to...

I don’t know if you have had the same experience, but the snag I always come up against when I’m telling a story is this dashed difficult problem of where to begin it.

It’s only a problem until you ignore it. Come on, that’s Politics 101.

until death do us part” is faster and cheaper than a divorce.

Looks like I missed a party. Good. I wasn’t really in the mood to off demons this evening. Haven’t had my coffee yet. (Jared)You drink coffee? (Stryker)No, but it was my pathetic attempt at humor....

Raw vegetables leave me overjoyed with raw emotion. My love for her can best be summed up with one carrot and a cheese grater.

Yes Yeswhen God created love he didn’t help most when God created dogs He didn’t help dogs when God created plants that was average when God created hate we had a standard utility when God...

I know that David Tennant’s Hamlet isn’t till July. And lots of people are going to be doing Dr Who in Hamlet jokes, so this is just me getting it out of the way early,...

I shot a cactus like a politician. But I didn’t care, because I didn’t vote for it.

What the hell is that?” I laughed.”It’s my fox hat.””Your fox hat?””Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat.””Why are you wearing your fox hat?” I asked.”Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.

Behold, my children!” she said. “The instrument of my revenge. I will call it a scythe!”The Titans muttered among themselves: What is that for? Why is it curved? How do you spell scythe?

At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she’d fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew...

My objection to war was not that I had to kill somebody or be killed senselessly, that hardly mattered. What I objected to was to be denied the right to sit in a small room...

I don’t think the heavy stuff is gonna come down for quite a while!” ― Bill Murray character in Cadyshack

I sell yawns. So when you see me yawning, and you then yawn, just know that’s me giving you a free sample of my product.

Angela, I really like you, but there’s something you need to know: when we go to my house and hook up, we’ll be watched by the twenty-four hundred eyes of twelve hundred black Santas.

The good thing is Jason and I both outrank you so we can both tell you to shut up.

Blameless people are always the most exasperating.

…She says with that mistyfar-away look in her eyes. Like conjunctivitis.

It was suicide, wasn’t it?””In an involuntary sort of way,” said Vorob’yev. “These Cetagandan political suicides can get awfully messy, when the principal won’t cooperate.””Thirty-two stab wounds in the back, worst case of suicide they...

What if those weren’t ear hairs, but cockroach antennas, and that’s why your grandpa loves listening to political rhetoric so much?

I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food

There’s my baby!” I cried, quite carried away, “There’s my poochiekins!”…”Sadie,” My dad said firmly, “Please do not refer to the devourer of souls as ‘poochiekins’.

BDB on the board-Knitter’s AnonimousMay 8, 2006Rhage (in his bedroom posting in V’s room on the board)Hi, my name is V.(“Hi, V”)I’ve been knitting for 125 years now.(*gasping noises*)It’s begun to impact my personal relationships:...

Instant gratification is like instant coffee, only it won’t keep you up all night.

Whatever it is, don’t do it!” said Catarina. “It’s a bad idea.” “And why do you say that?””Because they’re the only kind you have,” she said. ” I have known you a long time, and...

He was having more fun than a barrelful of monkeys.**Several years earlier Spider had actually been tremendously disappointed by a barrelful of monkeys. It had done nothing he had considered particularly entertaining, apart from emit...

Growing up, the only class I didn’t doodle in was Art class, because there I’d get to spend the whole time drawing.

You can’t do that, it makes too much sense.

In matters of religion and matrimony I never give advice, because I will not have anybody’s torments in this world or the next laid to my charge.

In my pants is where you need to look to find out everything you want to know about love. I got the magic formula from your grandma.

Are you happy here with me? Because if not, we can scoot over a few feet.

If you ever put a student at this school in danger again-”Oh, I thought you Gallagher Girls were immune to danger.’Despite the hundred girls the filled the foyer, no one moved or gasped or tried...