When I was still quite young I had a complete presentiment of life. It was like the nauseating smell of cooking escaping from a ventilator: you don’t have to have eaten it to know that...

My alarm went off. My sleep went on. Dreaming about coffee is not the same as drinking down coffee.

A stab had clearly once been made at de-uglifying these public spaces by painting a corridor a jaunty yellow. This was because, it turned out, babies come here to have their brains tested and someone...

I don’t know what it is about “magic happens”-stickers on cars but every time I see one I wanna get out my permanent marker and sneak over and write underneath it “so does cot death”.

My date couldn’t make it to dinner, because at the last minute I backed down from asking her.

I made an agreement with the fish. They’d give up their lives, if I’d eat every one that died for me.

I’m not sure if there’s one right place I’m supposed to be, he said, but I know a couple of wrong places I’d give a second try in a heartbeat.

Kaien Cross: You both entered the room in the same pose! Ooh! If Yuki had seen it, she’d have been so happy! The mystique!Ichiru: Zero, is he always like this?Zero: Yeah…he doesn’t act anything like...

Some people read books on musicians, while I read music books. Not books on music, but literally books full of sheet music. Fascinating reading.

Anger can be quite rewarding…at least for those of us who have the option of blasting our enemies to oblivion.

This is not a funny moment. It’s not. I’m not laughing

If there are two witnesses to a murder, you and the guy you killed, I’d say your secret is safe. I won’t say nothing to nobody.

Your book is nonsense.

There is much to discover that’s not on the back cover!

Never go shopping for kiwis in a shoe store.

Reading isn’t quite loud, but it’s quiet and loud—quiet on the outside, loud on the inside. Sort of like a mime orgy.

As heirs to a legacy more than two centuries old, it is understandable why present-day Americans would take their own democracy for granted. A president freely chosen from a wide-open field of two men every...

Don’t talk. You’ll just spoil my fantasy of rescuing an innocent damsel in distress as soon as you open your mouth.

I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight.

My plan to live from 65 to forever is to simply keep showing up. I also don’t want to retire at the same age as a road’s speed limit—unless that speed limit is 35. Live...

flies can’t help eatin’ shit cause that’s where their tastes lead ’em

Personally, I think sex should be like math.At school.No one really cares if they’re crap at math. They even proclaim it. They’ll say to anyone, “Yeah, I don’t mind science and English, but I’m absolutely...

Simon’s brain tried to comprehend the situation. ‘Was an international supermodel really holding Doc Gutson, leader of the infamous Bloodworth Gang, captive?

I’ve been praying to Jesus and the Holy Ghost for patience and I have also mentioned that it would help if I did not have frizzy hair.

Throughout the course of the day, Bobby Tom’s irritation over his artificially oiled and dirt-smeared chest and his unzipped jeans had flared into righteous indignation. They were treating him like a sex object! It was...

I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.

I want to do something different, and make a difference in people’s lives. If everyone jumps off a bridge, I’ll be the guy who built that bridge.

There’s some heinous fuckery goin’ on mon.

Next time we commit crime, we’ll make sure to include him.

People don’t know I have a checkered past. I used to be a picnic table cloth.

Your problem is a serious lack of imagination. You can’t imagine being different than you are.

So where’d you park the car, Max?”I don’t know. I couldn’t see over the wheel.”That’s okay. I think I can smell it.

hurry up and wait.

Sure, I’d fake my own death. But only if I had the following items: duct tape, seven slinkies, a parachute, and a mannequin that looked like me.

If I had loved you less or played you slyly, I might have held you for a summer more, But at the cost of words I value highly, And no such summer as the one...

Boy needs to get a good night’s sleep. Otherwise, he’ll be lucky to get accepted at SUNY-So Far Upstate You Might As Well Be In Canada, eh?

Some people should have stopped singing in the 60s, even if they were born in the 80s.

It takes real planning to organize this kind of chaos.

One of the first things we teach medical students is to listen to the patient by taking a careful medical history. Ninety percent of the time, you can arrive at an uncannily accurate diagnosis by...

Cats have the curiosity of a genius, while dogs have the intellect of a sack of manure covered in hair and mulch made from bark (so loud). Actually, that assessment isn’t quite fair. Sacks of...

God ordered the world and all things in it, and I ordered a pizza and all things on it.

If the president and the Vice President dies who becomes President” “Thats easy Arnold Swartzanager

As the doctor treated the wound, Mazer said, ” I don’t care how much you eat, Ender, self-cannibalism won’t get you out of this school.

I’m here today because of my decisions yesterday. So I can change my tomorrow today, but I can’t change my today today. This makes the me of yesterday offensive to the me of today.

Are you always a smartass?’Nope. Sometimes I’m asleep.

I don’t see how it’s doing society any good to have it’s members walking around with vague memories of algebraic formulas and geometric diagrams, and clear memories of hating them.

Zaphod did not want to tangle with them and, deciding that just as discretion is the better part of valor, so was cowardice is the better part of discretion, he valiantly hid himself in a...

I sometimes lie awake at night wishing I had all the answers. But I guess only God has all of them, while I only have one answer: I do. Now I just have to wait...

…that was Bud Caldwell’s Rules and Things to Have a Funner LIfe and Make a Better Liar Out of Yourself Number 83…If a Adult Tells You Not to Worry, and You Weren’t Worried Before, You...

You know, I can see more than just the future or the past.””Really?” I asked, paging through through the papers in the file. “Can you also see the present? Because I can do that, too....