Some people are happy to exist, and other people are happy to exit. If you’re wondering why everyone is running, it’s because I just pulled the fire alarm.

For instance, this new idea that You-Know-Who can kill with a single glance from his eyes. That’s a basilisk, listeners. One simple test: Check whether the thing that’s glaring at you has got legs. If...

Not that it isn’t great to see you. But it’s not so great for you. What’d you do wrong? Laugh at his dick?

Your words are energy. If you don’t speak them, then you will drink them. Swallow that thought, but do not gargle it.

When I’m out of politics I’m going to run a business, it’ll be called rent-a-spine

I chug coffee—for fun and for love.

Tonight when she came down to the front desk she was wearing neon green hot pants and a pink leopard print jacket. But the best part was that her boots almost matched her jacket. I...

Truth would quickly cease to be stranger than fiction, once we got as used to it.

She didn’t know what Liam made his coffee with, but it had to be magical sparkles and crack beans, because it was the most delicious stuff she’d ever tasted.

Coffee excites my mind in ways not describable my words. The closest approximation is a sperm whale in orgasm, only silent and bubblier.

Abraham Lincoln did not shoot John Wilkes Booth. Titanic did not sink a North Atlantic iceberg. And Fox News is neither fair nor balanced. These are simple historical facts intelligible to all adults, most children,...

I drink coffee the way most men tie their shoes, and I’m liable to slip on a sip if I don’t follow their lead.

Tennis should be played with a canoe paddle. And 30-love isn’t just a score, it was my age and feeling. Hand me a creek, because my eyes are dry.

Hallucinations are bad enough. But after awhile you learn to cope with things like seeing your dead grandmother crawling up your leg with a knife in her teeth. Most acid fanciers can handle this sort...

…indeed, with the Radletts, you never could tell. Why, for instance, would Victoria bellow like a bull and half kill Jassy whenever Jassy said, in a certain tone of voice, pointing her finger with a...

I am a forward thinker with nostalgia. I dream of the past, and daydream of the future.

No, I do my torturing in the dungeon like any other respectable castle owner,

It’s 3:33 am as I’m writing this down on loose sheets of printer paper. I’m in the back office sitting behind the manager’s desk, just enjoying the good life. In essence, this job enables me...

Nothing’s really changed since then, except that now any children we have might be wizards themselves, and I’ll be hopelessly outnumbered.

Oral Roberts is a greed-crazed white-trash lunatic who should have been hung upside down from a telephone pole on the outskirts of Tulsa 44 years ago, before he somehow transmogrified into the money-sucking animal that...

Cats don’t need to be possessed; they’re evil on their own.

His name was Skip, but I didn’t. I waited patiently in line behind him. But do not be confused. I am not the kind of lover who lets other men go first.

Regardless of what I think about Islam or Wicca or any other religion, the fact is that it’s a group of people. Every faith has its ceremonies. And since it’s made up of people, every...

… Play the age as comedy if you want to get away with murder.

Riding a bicycle makes you impotent. That’s why I carry a bicycle seat in my pocket—because it’s better than wearing a condom.

The world is indeed a cold, hard stone.

Ci sono divergenze di natura teologica su… Vediamo, per esempio sulla raffigurazione latina del purgatorio. – C’è qualcuno a cui frega una cippa di minchia della raffigurazione latina del purgatorio? – reagisce Dio, versandosi dell’altro...

Sissy Mae Smith…stumbled into the room loaded down with even more bags. “You pack like a woman,” she snarled when she finally dropped the luggage to the floor. “How can one man have so much...

I often wonder what I’m doing.

My job is to scream cockle-doodle-doo. Don’t blame me if the sun doesn’t rise.

Sometimes writing is easy. Other times it’s as hard as trying to eat a whole whale, after the whale has just eaten you.

The days float on like a feather in the wind, but at the end of the week, I’m still a chicken. Taste my truth.

Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them. There’s many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

That’s it, Uncle Huey!” Imogene Duckworthy whipped off her apron and flung it onto the slick, stainless steel counter. “I quit!” If only her voice didn’t sound so young.

There was no Disney World then, just rows of orange trees. Millions of them. Stretching for miles And somewhere near the middle was the Citrus Tower, which the tourists climbed to see even more orange...

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Peace be with you,” I said, and as I turned to resume my journey with Coyote, I added under my breath, “and asskicking be with me.

Things are always funnier when you have someone to laugh with. That’s why I laugh alone, in the mirror.

How do new watches catch up with old watches that have had more time to get a head start? This is what I pondered while I waited on her to fall in love with me.

How rude of me, we haven’t even introduced ourselves. We’re the Andersons. I’m Evan, the lovely size-zero lass in the floppy sun hat is my wife Amy, and these are our best friends/children, Evan and...

A lot of who you were in middle age was determined before you had a chance to manipulate, control, or eve understand the things around you. It was no mystery, he thought, why some old...

Duct tape can’t fix stupid,” Bas growled. “Maybe not,” Red replied, “but it can hold it down and muffled the screams.

I always like to see people working. Makes me feel good because I’m not.

Magda was reading a book by a Trappist, in a better mood, and I was sitting on the edge of the bed, fingering my useless map.

If I walked in on two of my clones having sex, I’d think it was gay, incestuous, and just plain rude to have not invited me.

If I aged twice as fast and lived twice as long as a normal person, would I be Wisdom Man?

Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you’d expect to be involved in anything strange...

You bastard, stop that whistling and fight me like a man!

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I’ve got a nickle in my pocket.

Nice to meet you, Dick,” Drew retorted.