[the sheep] sidled up beside him and bumped him lovingly with its head. Val looked at it sadly. “I am sorry, you ugly creature,” he said. “I have not used my magic in a long...

Music enters through the ear, not the penis hole. This is probably a common mistake most deaf men make.

That year the Ribeiro’s daffodils seeded early and they seeded cockroaches. Now, ecologically speaking, even a cockroach has its place — but these suckers bit. That didn’t sound Earth-authentic to me. Not that I care,...

The light was only just visible – except of course that there was no one to see, no witnesses, not this time, but it was nevertheless a light.

I meander and wander, like a lazy river. Gosh, why are some rivers so damn lazy? What, are they teenagers?

People ask me all the time, “Where do your ideas come from?” So, to clear up this question…I keep my ideas inside the mind of a tiny man who is tied up in my closet!

Tea no more! Down with bustles!

In the nineteenth century, The Romantics viewed Nature as benign, a glowing reflection of God’s grace. Now we know better. Nature is brutal and, if it is feminine, she’s not the kind of woman you...

It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.

The sh*t’s gonna splatter, start buggin, yo…”Mencheres to Cat

It’s supposed to be raining Thank Yous on Thursday, after an ingratitude draught. Also, you’d better enjoy my love while it’s fresh, before it goes rotten and I have to sell it to McDonald’s as...

I have bumper stickers for my website all over this city. Some are even on bumpers.

Lunatics are writers whose works write them, Bat.” “Not all lunatics are writers, Mrs. Rey-believe me.” “But most writers are lunatics, Bat-believe me. The human world is made up of stories, not people.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

That’s brain tissue. How can you-?” Claire shut her mouth, fast. “Never mind. I don’t think I wanna know.””Truly, I think that’s best. Please take it.” He showed his teeth briefly in a very unsettling...

Between his dueling and military career, Jackson had been shot so many times that scholars says he “rattled like a bag of marbles” when he walked as a result of all of the never-removed bullets...

Ack!” I said.Fearless master of the witty dialogue, that’s me.

He said he came in second place, so I assumed there were only two competitors. But you never know with love, there may have been a third party involved.

office.” I like to think of my office as God’s cue ball. I’m calling in now, The Big Three’s hitting the two ball in the corner pocket.

The Brit’s face shares a heritage with a junkyard butt-sniffing mutt. It’s a hard-earned moonshine mug, dotted with a hairy mole that looks like a rat’s been gnawing on it. His beard looks like a...

The notion of children makes me ill. The thought of having one… when you see those guys in the supermarket, wheeling the trolley around while their brats whine and wheedle and some blundering sow questions...

Now,” said Brandons low, cold voice. “Lets not be rude eve.

I’m too horny tonight to be productive. Right now the only thing I could make is love. And then I wouldn’t be productive, I’d be reproductive.

I realized then what had happened.She had turned us–all of us, except for Mouse–into great, gaunt, long-legged hounds.Wonderful!” Lea said, pirouetting upon one toe, laughing. “Come, children!” And she leapt off into the jungle, nimble...

I’d row a gondola like a column is not a row. My coffee may be cold, but my love is warm. When are you going to wake up and drink it?

I didn’t win a championship, but I did pop some champagne bottles—and a few locks. Why bother training when you can just steal the trophy?

Those who say that I am being punished are saying that god can’t think of anything more vengeful than cancer for a heavy smoker.

Immy knocked on his open door. “Mr. Mallett?”The look on his narrow face was pained. “What’s with the Mr. Mallett? When you don’t call me Mike, it’s usually trouble.

I don’t know what it is about “magic happens”-stickers on cars but every time I see one I wanna get out my permanent marker and sneak over and write underneath it “so does cot death”.

When sex is Freon any occasion, it usually involves something dripping and toxic. At least that’s what my mechanic tells me.

No. See, when you throw up you’re vomiting, but when you throw down you’re starting a fight, as in throwing down the gauntlet.””Ohhhh,” he said. “I thought you were speaking literally.””I do beg your pardon....

I won’t wear my invisible cloak.

…there is a celebrated aphorism insisting that the best way to live is to ‘work like you don’t need the money, dance like nobody is watching, and love like you’ve never been hurt.’…After years of...

Your job is to focus on my personal happiness, she said, & I’ve got big plans, so break time is over.

Can’t live with ’em, can’t escape even by killing ’em.

This is not a funny moment. It’s not. I’m not laughing

There’s only one way you can appreciate me in the bedroom—call my wife and get permission for me.

Change is good. Enjoy change.By that I don’t mean change all the time, you’re not a fucking traffic light.

If I had a face like a clown mask, I’d be concerned people would see my face, associate me with a bank robbery, and then I’d be forced to kill them.

The culture without children is forever immature, self-obsessed and rightous. They cannot help the high opinion they have of themselves; there’s no kids around to show them otherwise.

Evil influence is like a nicotine patch, you cannot help but absorb what sticks to you.

Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run.No!If you save somebody’s life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more...

Don’t talk. You’ll just spoil my fantasy of rescuing an innocent damsel in distress as soon as you open your mouth.

We made love like two meows having their tails stepped on. There were three of us there, and I’ve always wondered: Who were those two other people?

One of the world’s most tiresome questions is what object one would bring to a desert island,because people always answer “a deck of cards” or “Anna Karenina” when the obvious answer is “a well equipped...

Whatever demon invented stiletto-heeled boots should roast in hell…

If love were a color, it would be green. At least for me. But her love is blue, and she’s too cool to see that my envy is just amped up jealousness, and a display...

It means that you two, precious father and son, would be a pair of knaves if you had sense enough; but, failing in that, you are only a pair of fools!

Like X-Box. And X-rated movies.

Throughout the course of the day, Bobby Tom’s irritation over his artificially oiled and dirt-smeared chest and his unzipped jeans had flared into righteous indignation. They were treating him like a sex object! It was...