Listen, Peaches, trickery is what humans are all about,” said the voice of Maurice. “They’re so keen on tricking one another all the time that they elect governments to do it for them.

The butcher died, and he requested to be cremated. But I don’t want to burn him, because I like my meat medium rare.

My mustache can be your toothbrush for the one-time low cost of $1.23. Each mustoothbrush is made from 100% recycled material.

I’m wearing my political mustache today. If you want to see it, you’ll find it on the pubic region of a lobbyist.

Then came the Christmas party. That was December 24th. There were to be drinks, food, music, dancing. I didn’t like parties. I didn’t know how to dance and people frightened me, especially people at parties....

She was murdered by rebels.’ He took in her unconcealed look of shock. ‘So there you go. Something for you to celebrate.’ Magnus turned away from her, ready to find solace in his chambers, but...

You know, you’re rather amusingly wrong.

We live in the moment and they think about what’s coming. If they didn’t keep us in check, we’d fuck up the planet”.

Terrific. A bisexual dominant vampire with kidnapping expertise.

Boy, when Grandma Wrinklebottom comes to town, you’d better hide your underwear. I know I’ll be hiding my political perspectives.

In cyber espionage, the cloak and the dagger are one and the same.

I’m seven hundred years old, Alexander. I know when something isn’t going to work. You won’t even admit I exist to your parents.” Alec stared at him. “I thought you were three hundred! You’re seven...

In fact we put so many things in our mouths we constantly have to be reminded what not to eat. Look at that little package of silicon gel that’s inside your sneakers. It says DO...

Things that try to look like things often do look more like things than things.

I say yes, turn the other cheek, and let me slap your butt again. Forgiveness can be oh so naughty.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable...

Running, it runs in my family. Wheelchairs also run in my family. Is it possible to race in a marathon while sitting down?

FORTUNECOOKINT of the Week: The paper this fortune is printed on contains more nutrients than the cookie it came in.

there is a fine line between sarcasm and hostility, you seemed to have crossed it. What’s up?

There is truth in wine, but you never see it listed in the ingredients on the label

The Fool held his breath. On long nights on the hard flagstones he had dreamed of women like her. Although, if he really thought about it, not much like her; they were better endowed around...

In real life I was alone, but in my dream I was in a crowd, and that’s why I farted. But being the gentleman that I am, I blamed it on your dad.

I’ll make birthday to you like turkey on wheat. Hold the mayonnaise—and hold me tightly. My love candle burns bright for you like a black hole.

Even if I worked in the corruption capital of the world, Washington DC, I wouldn’t be a whistleblower. I’m more into flutes.

Secret 1.93. The professional intelligence officer assumes nothing. The successful professional intelligence officer assumes less than that.

I suppose that’s one of the ironies of life doing the wrong thing at the right moment.

Darwin says people like you need to die.” (Carrow)

A dutiful wife enables a good man to add her hands to his own for self-applause.

As a fan of Agatha Christie, I think a brilliant mystery novel would be trying to identify the meat contents in a McDonald’s hamburger.

Even if times are tough and you’re enduring a terrible heartache, it’s important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

I’m a gopher. If I see something I want, I go for it, Orafoura said .And I’m a shepherd. If I see a sheep I like, I fuck it, I replied. I mean I would,...

The official spokesperson is the most anonymous source of all.

A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

The first way not to shake hands is executed by receiving someone’s hand in yours and proceeding to squeeze it tightly, hurting the other party as if they were responsible for a past death in...

I steal cracker packets. I hoard them. Once my collection is large enough, I’ll take them to the flea market and try to sell them to discerning lovers.

For dessert I ate a desert. It was sandy, and so was the name of the woman I ate dinner with. She had a dry sense of humor, and that is why I wore a...

Most men want sex, without the kids or commitment. I want sex, but I don’t want to have to pay any money. But is that possible? I should invent a vending machine that dispenses sex....

The photoshopping of female models is sending precisely the right message to young girls: Learn image editing software!

Boys say they don’t mind how you get your hair done. But then they leave you for someone with really great standard girl hair and the next thing you know you’re alone with a masculine...

A friend comes over with a Ouija board.It spells out: Bourbon. Where’s the band?Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean you can’t have fun.

Me parece que no lo entiendes. Las vidas de las personas pasan por delante de sus ojos antes de que mueran, y el proceso se llama ‘vivir’. ,Te apetece un camarón?

All through the night, men looked at the sky and were saddened by the stars.

I am not who I pretend to be, even when I act like myself.

We’re all artists. It’s just most people keep their inner artist locked behind their rib cage.

A problem isn’t a real problem till you decide to make it a problem… so what’s the problem again?

I don’t use a crap camera, I don’t eat junk, and I’m not going to a dance where the boys are bores

With the world’s fate resting on your shoulder – you’re gonna need someone on your side.You can’t do it by yourself any longer – you’re gonna need someone on your side.

It was the kind of storm that suggests the whole sky has swallowed a diuretic.

I would tell you to be quiet, but The Silence prohibits me.

Just because I wear a size 14 shoe does not mean I’ll take it off when I go to shake your hand.