A blanket cold be used as truth. At least it’s so warm, it must be used that way.

If I asked God to see into the future 50 years, and I couldn’t see myself, I wouldn’t assume I was dead. No, I’d assume I was simply hiding.

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do on your behalf, if I could just get my hands on it

All right, all right, you go right on thinking you an act of God created in his image, and I’ll go right on thinking I’m descended from an ape. When you look in the mirror...

Everybody! This is my cousin right here, and he just dethroned God’s gift to Women – Griffin

Free pyramids! Buy one, get one half buried.

A brick could be used to dink like a dunk, if the thunk of the think has enough verticalocity to it.

Justin, honey, you were my very first kiss. My very first hand to hold. But you were nothing more than an average guy. And I don’t say that to be mean- I don’t. There was...

Have some carrots. They’re good for your eyes.””Then you have some fries. They’re good for your… I don’t know. They’re just good.

In dog years I’d be dead.

I am your Prince and you will marry me,” Humperdinck said.Buttercup whispered, “I am your servant and I refuse.””I am you Prince and you cannot refuse.””I am your loyal servant and I just did.””Refusal means...

Clearly it’s not all that pacific on the Pacific Ocean

A blanket could be used as a warm topping on a hamburger, sort of like processed cheese, only tastier and healthier.

Are you any good at it?””Pulling idiots out of the snow? I’m the best.

If there’s a place for me in Hell I hope it’s next to someone like you

But then it was over too quickly and they pulled away. She knew they couldn’t stand there and kiss like a couple on the run in a thriller.

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

I had a dream I bought a popcorn maker that would pop pennies into cornuts, so I bought stock in corn wow was I nuts. That’s what my therapist said. He is just plain nuts...

A brick could be covered in black fur, cradled, pet, and called Mr. Fizzlebush. The best part is that since it’ll sit still and silent on the bed, it won’t meow or run away when...

I’m as much a lover as a cumulous cloud is a beard of God. My mustache can’t make rain the way I make love.

How well I know you by your deeds and how invariably you succeed in living down to what one expects of you!

MOMB – noun – One who can deal with all of the INSANITY of being a MOM… Because she’s the BOMB!

You know where we got stuck? We were looking for faithfull, loving and perfect relationships-males who were always glad to see us.” “So?” “We already have that!” “What do you mean?” “We’ve got dogs!

Wisteria hangs over the eaves like clumps of ghostly grapes. Euphorbia’s pale blooms billow like sea froth. Blood grass twists upward, knifing the air, while underground its roots go berserk, goosing everything in their path....

Women won’t sleep with me for the same reason that I don’t pay for sex—I don’t have any money. And if I did have money, I wouldn’t pay for sex, because women would sleep with...

Bricks could be used to stock vending machines. You may be out of a home, but I’ll never be out of bricks to sell you.

Not only did I not win the sweepstakes, but I didn’t even bother to enter. I feel discriminated against.

Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.

Alan: “I had terrible stage fright.”Sin: “I’m not familiar with the concept of ‘stage fright.'”A: “It’s pretty awful. You end up having to picture the entire audience in their underwear. Phyllis was in that audience,...

Liraz snorted, caught off guard, and the tension between them ebbed away. “I’m sorry of my almost dying interrupted your almost kissing.

Change is inevitable – except from a vending machine.

Noble starets, tell me, are my high spirits offensive to you or not?” Fyodor Pavlovich suddenly exclaimed, gripping the arms of his chair with both hands and appearing ready to leap out of it, depending...

Angels are good not simply because they see bad as bad, but also because they see bad as corny.

Some people collect cars. I collect unemployment. Once my collection gets large enough, I’m going to start a country like the United States.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.

I had a dream that I was perfect…I woke up and was still perfect. Aw.

Defender of the Laws of Time, Protector of the Galaxy, and the biggest back-rub slut she’d ever seen. [Sam Jones, on the Eighth Doctor]

Father, we come to You, Father, in the name of the Father, Father we come to You, Father, Father, just, just, Father, Father…’ You don’t talk to you friends like that. ‘Ed, Ed, come over,...

I’m a person, you’re a person, and we should make love. That is, if you’re a person who’s also roughly , of the population known as women.

A blanket could be used to alert your guest when he’s overstayed his welcome. But what’s even more effective would be a flying brick at his forehead. Subtlety can be a bit soft, and can...

I loved her like I needed her. I soaked her up like a soup bowl made of bread. I’m hungry for her even as I write this now. Somebody get me a spoon!

Making love to a person in their sleep is the only guarantee they’ll wake up with a smile on their face.

Does it stand, but not straight enough? Is there a bend in the tool? Leaning left like the Marxist-Leninist Party? To the right, like the Jan Sangh fascists? Or wobbling mindlessly in the middle, like...

Get me outa here. F*ckin’ creepy cheerleaders.

He spoke in a trembling voice that didn’t seem to be entirely in sync with the movement of his lips. That’s because sound travels slower in halitosis.

I’m like a praying mantis, except not so devout. And I make love like a monk in meditation, which can often be confused with being asleep.

A blanket could be used to say I’m sorry without using words, gestures, body language, facial expressions, or telepathy. I’ve always thought it was better to show than tell anyway, so I hope you can...

I’ve had the paperwork sitting on my desk for the past nine months, waiting to be filled out and sent in. I feel like I’ve given birth to procrastination.

ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

I love seeing other channels counterprogram the Super Bowl. PBS: “DAMN RIGHT we’re airing a new ‘Masterpiece Classic’! Fuck off, sports!