A title from the 1966 movie’ The Russians Are Coming, The Russians Are Coming,’ gives a new meaning toa phrase: ‘wait a minute, we’ve seen this movie before.’

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.

Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

I am the Today Monster, and I’m hungry for yesterday. And I’m thirsty for coffee, which is like drinking tomorrow.

With one blanket, you and I could wrap up like a burrito. Yum. And if you want melted cheese, just fart a bit.

If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.

He was a six and a half foot scowl.(on Rachmaninov)

He’d been an angel once. He hadn’t meant to Fall. He’d just hung around with the wrong people.

The amount of educational programming on television today is simply desensitizing. The only reason left to go to school is to see gun violence.

This nation is like all the others that have been spewed upon the earth–ready to shout for any cause that will tickle its vanity or fill its pocket. What a hell of a heaven it...

No idea how you figured out the riddle, but you scooped the first prize. Congratulations. You’ve just won a vacation to a big, relaxing place called a grave.

Eugene’s got a fake ID, and he actually gets away with using it because he looks like he’s thirty-six, thanks to his devotion to tasseled shoes and his ridiculous carpet of chest hair.

Well, enough of this introspection. It’s depressing, quite frankly.

Don’t lift my words without permission. It might lead to a hernia.

There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better.

Inhumanity, n. One of the signal and characteristic qualities of humanity.

It pleased Aliena that they were all together: she and Jack and their children, and Jack’s mother, and Aliena’s brother, and Martha. It was quite like an ordinary family, and Aliena could almost forget that...

I don’t do relationships because I don’t want to love and lose myself.

The poor toilet’s never had anything as horrible as your head down it — it might be sick.” Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he’d said.

All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don’t want to know what causes dew.

I’m an open book—an open book I’m still writing and editing. My book is a romance novel, sort of like The Secret.

Infant wart hogs resemble both sides of the family.

We’re like the couple on the sitcom that has good sparks but never get together for the sake of ratings.

There is a tragic flaw in our precious constitution, and I don’t know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president.

Be proud of your work week, not your weak work. Monday-Friday you can find me working out. I have the body of a fisherman.

A girl can still admire, can’t she? Even those who can’t afford to go in the store can still window-shop. Right? Knowing he wasn’t for me didn’t mean I couldn’t covet the merchandise.

Enjoy a life of poverty. Become a poet.

I was also going to give a graduation speech in Arizona this weekend. But with my accent, I was afraid they would try to deport me.

Why do all your brilliant ideas involve felonies?

Lots of stores have self-checkout lanes now. That’s clever. They get us to buy their goods—and do their work too. Instead of paying cashiers to check us out, it’s like they’ve enticed us to pay...

He could totally be your boyfriend,” [Angel] went on with annoying persistance. “You guys could get married. I could be like a junior bridesmaid. Total could be your flower dog.””I’m only a kid!” I shrieked....

Would you have references?””I’m awfully sorry but I haven’t. I just arrived in New York, and don’t know a soul. Except you.” I smiled but she didn’t smile back. She stood hesitating, and I said,...

That’s the trouble with cookbooks. Like sex education and nuclear physics, they are founded on an illusion. They bespeak order, but they end in tears.

Nothing but good times ahead.

Losing your mind is preferable to losing your woman, because if you lose your woman you will also lose your mind, and then you’re left with nothing.

How did you become blind, uh, Jeff is it?”Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened.

I want to open up a School of Cannibalism. It’ll be a feeder school for top law schools.

I may be taller than her on my knees. Does she need a man she can climb?

[…] I have a date this afternoon.” “Oh, Lord.” Jake closed his eyes. “Who are you going to destroy now?””I beg your pardon?””The hotel would appreciate it if you’d just throw back the men you...

All writers should be put in a box and thrown in the sea.

It’s hard to wear a Speedo and pose with an erection. Still, I’ve got to try, every Saturday from 9 am to 8:59 pm.

I’m as deadly as a marine, when compared to marine plant life. It took lots of water, sunlight, and standing still to get this badass.

(Da) “Sorry, Son, what was that? I was too busy ignoring you.”(Later) “Sorry, Son, I missed that,” Ma said. “Ignoring you can be a full-time job.

Curiouser and curiouser.

Her killer wrote a note on that stationary.””A note.” Now Renquist’s eyebrows lifted. “Well. That was rather arrogant of him, wasn’t it?

A brick could be used to help you keep your job. Just hold it down, man.

It’s just a dream, I told myself. I hate when I dream of alarm clocks going off.

Joe was so tired that he had slept through first hour Spanish, second hour history, and most of third hour English. The English teacher, Mrs. Lane, hadn’t taken a liking to that. She decided to...

Sometimes you must agree with someones opinion for the sake of being polite and modest, but within you, you know that you are not foolish and crazy.

If I had 31 minutes to live, I’d ask God to be there for me in my hour of need. I’m always like that, rounding up and needy.