For a woman, intellectually stimulated is sexually aroused. For a man, sexually aroused is—well, I don’t know, I can’t think right now, because I have an erection.

We?” Simon looked at him in disbelief. “Are you ever going home?””What, bored with my company already?” “Let me ask you something,” Simon said. “Do you find me fascinating to be around?””What was that?” Jace...

Jesus was a good guy, he didn’t need this shit.

There’s a saying,” Aeneas said: “Keep an eye on Greeks when they offer gifts.” He spoke wryly. “Horses, particularly.

There’s a new wine I want to try. I heard about it through the grapevine.

Je me rends parfaitement compte du desagreable effet que produit sur la majorite de l’humanité, tout ce qui se rapporte, même au plus faible dègré, á des calculs ou raisonnements mathematiques.I am well aware of...

Polly had arrived in the world outraged to discover that her sisters had gotten there before her.

M.

The cord pulled taut and she rebounded, flying back up before falling again. As her velocity slowed, she opened her eyes and found herself dangling at the end of the cord, about five feet above...

Orphans? Would you really? Adopt children?””There are advantages. If they turn out badly, we can blame their natural parents. We can also choose our own assortment of ages and genders. We can even get them...

My dad used to say that life’s a journey, but somebody screwed up and lost the map.

If you’re going to hold a grudge, at least put on an oven mitt before you pick it up.

You don’t need to windup the wind to keep it going. It’s the same with my erection. All you need is two AA batteries and one I love you.

A woman without a past is like a fruitcake without brandy—insipid!” Aunt Augusta in Aunt Dimity and the Family Tree.

I am a jealous husband wife, and I feel your pain. All of it, for all of you.

Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that.

It rather goes without saying that Katherine drank her coffee black. Katherines do, generally. They like their coffee like they like their ex-boyfriends: bitter.

Trolls have a longstanding animosity for goats–“Who’s that trip-tapping across my bridge!?”–and this led me to think that perhaps trolls are related to goats, since it seems a lot more plausible to me that your...

Coffee, it’s not my cup of tea. Being in love isn’t really my cup of tea either, but when it’s steamy I’ll sip it dutifully.

I am not into nudity on camera, but I would love to wear a banana peel over my penis and eat cat food from a little saucer while you snap off a few pictures of...

‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ ‘Oh God. That’s exactly what my last three boyfriends said when they dumped me. Is it in the Y-Chromosome User’s Manual or something?’ He grinned. ‘On page five. But, you...

Confession was the emotional equivalent to puking, Riley supposed. Something bad went down, bits of it came back up, you felt better.

All girls are like fishes needing feeding and a net. Trap them lest you are trapped.

We journalists love writing about eccentrics. We hate writing about impenetrable, boring people. It makes us look bad: the duller the interviewee, the duller the prose. If you want to get away with wielding true,...

My heart battered against my ribs, my breath stalled and I gazed up into his laughing, smiling eyes…eyes that suddently glowed crimson and cruel.

Should I go up one flight of stairs and then come back down, or should I go down one flight of stairs and then come back up? Same destination, same distance, same amount of work,...

Seriously. I’m not saying five-star… I’m saying go on Expedia and find a place that actually has stars… any stars.

Yuki (in a standoff with Zero): We’re going to stay like this until vol. 10? Why…don’t we sit down…Zero?Zero: I can’t. If I sit down, I won’t be able to get up again. (I’ve reached...

And forced me to kill my own brother.

Excruciating agony makes me cranky.

My instincts told me that death would somehow be…different. But my rational mind reminded me that I had probably tempted fate one too many times. At least, I thought it was my rational mind. It...

Shut up, Kenji,” he repeats in a whiny voice, mocking me.

Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow.

I bought a faucet, but water wasn’t included. That’s like when you buy my love—it’s dirty and used, but soap isn’t included.

Teeth were created to be shown.

Very easily, Lady Difficult. I find myself quitecharming.

If we can expect another journey tomorrow, we should secure horses,” Ferrin went on. “And if the sun will be shining, perhaps a goat for Aram.””Keep it up,” Aram dared him through clenched teeth.”Is a...

Which of us is happy in this world? Which of us has his desire? or, having it, is satisfied?

You know you’ve drunk too much when you run out of booze. It’s the same with love. Also, I’m drunk.

I cross country ski on conveyer belts covered with shaved ice. People trying to check out at the grocery store need to show more respect for serious athletes.

Your smile can becomes a quote for a change

I put my heart in a paper cup, so she’d be more likely to drink it up.

People can do great things. However, there are some things they just CAN’T do. I, for instance, have not been able to transform myself into a Popsicle, despite years of effort.

They sounded like intestines, only on the outside, and the men in the Bible were always having them cut off and not being able to go to church. Horrid.

This tree, though, had not been fed on, so it was apparent that the culprit was a bull (elephant) who was filled with testosterone but no outlet for it, so he pushed over trees. It’s...

I’m not a ref, but I assigned her the penalty of clipping, and I told her to drop the scissors and step away from the newspaper ads.

I make ridiculous like I make damn sure nobody sees me when I do. I make it by hand and then I sell it on Etsy. Buy local.

Just want to be prepared.

I sell Jarod-shaped earplugs that just may plug up the hole in your heart. My earplugs are modeled after a nude Helen Keller.

I’m sorry that your mystical, godlike powers do not instantly work as you would like them to.