New Rule: The Napa Valley is Disneyland for alcoholics. Be honest, you’re not visiting wineries in four days because you’re an oenophile, you’re doing it because you’re a drunk. It’s the only place in America...

Babies don’t come with instruction booklets. You’d learn the same way we all do — you’d read up on dinosaurs, you’d Google backhoes and skidders. And you don’t need a penis to go buy a...

I’m only saying what you won’t. He’s a hunk, admit it. A tall, dark, exotic hunk who wants to bed you, and you must be a fucking nun, because it’s been three weeks since you...

Haven’t you ever heard of the saying, “If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!”?’ –LinIf you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!’ –Ed

I’m probably the last person on earth who will tell you I want to be the last person on earth.

yes,” and only recently did I learn it’s spelled o-​u-​i and not w-​e-​e.

Enormous? Did you just call me FAT? I am not fat. – Jace

Damas y caballeros. Me temo que lo que voy a decir arruinará su apetito, pero la verdad es siempre bella, y debo declarar que: ¡las empanadas de la Sra. Lovett están hechas nada menos que...

Love and I have been a duo since empty banana peel.

I’m a great dancer, and you can tell because I need to wear a football helmet when I’m feeling the rhythm. It’s not only for my safety, but also that of the safety covering my...

I need to condense my adrenaline, carbonate it, sweeten it, and sell it as an energy drink.

I cannot bear to associate with the ordinary run of people. I have to surround myself with individuals who for the most part are more than a trifle insane

And seriously? No hands and knees. On his back, and go easy on the shoulder. Nothing strenuous—like the doc said, go easy.

I care. They bother me. And that’s why I’m stupid. That makes me exponentially more stupid than stupid. I’m stupid to the power of stupid.

Is that a trick question?

Sharks are so sleek and streamlined. I’d make a terrible shark, because my balls are so big and dangly.

The cool thing about vests is they have no sleeves. I guess their target market is people with no arms. Raise your hand if you disagree.

Uh, wait an hour?

Senior Republicans certainly expected the president to come clean over Miss Lewinsky.

Uh, maybe I could just get myself, you know, privately…?” I suggested. I regretted it immediately, and felt my faceflush with warmth. What the hell was I going to do? Ask Lonif he had any...

You’re apologizing? Seriously, what happened to you? Have you been taken over by a pod person?

I just made some ice cream soup—for winter, or the next time you visit Antarctica. It’s freezable and reheatable, like my love.

I don’t eat sweets because I’m trying to keep my boyish figure. That’s the way my priest likes it.

I can count all the lovers I’ve had on one hand…if I’m holding a calculator.

Yes you can let a guy bite you but not on the first date! he has to pay for dinner ! But you can bite him on the first date at no cost that is...

Yo Mama’s so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

I like you, and I, like you, love me.

I always keep the weather in my pocket, so no matter where I go, I always have something to talk about. Sudden thunderstorms embarrass me.

A brick could be used to keep thieves away from your house. Just set a brick outside your front door, and you won’t need any additional security. Years will go by and nobody will steal...

Never more than once.

Military Wives—Sacrificing Months of Sex for the Country.

But had I accepted the pickle juice, I would be drinking pickle juice right now.

My car would look better with a mustache for a bumper. Then pedestrians would know that I am a superior lover, just before I hit on them.

Who knew Demon Child would have such a normal name? I expected something exotic like Serena or Destiny or the Evil One That Comes in the Night to Make Us Chilly.

A brick could be shoved in your buttocks. You know, for your enjoyment.

I can’t go on, I’ll go on.

I am no coward sir! I shall stand and fight!””Well, I am,” said Sal. “So can we go… please?

Selbst wenn der Kahn sinken sollte, ich würde Karsten nicht in den Fluten ersaufen lassen wie Rose, diese selbstsüchtige Schlampe, die noch mehr als genug Platz hatte auf ihrer Scheißtür, oder was auch immer das...

Look what pressure(cooker) does to Rice. It makes the hard and tough rice go soft.

The only good thing about all the radiation in the air is I can go on my nightly walk and wear my astronaut’s suit and not feel like an idiot. I also wear the astronaut’s...

I was too sad to watch her dying, so I shot her. I couldn’t bear the pain of watching her go slowly like that, over the next 50 years.

I never asked my mother where babies came from but I remember clearly the day she volunteered the information….my mother called me to set the table for dinner. She sat me down in the kitchen,...

You don’t need a search warrant to go through someone’s trash. Seriously. Once it hits the curb it is totally fair game-you an look it up.

I was raised right — I talk about people behind their backs. It’s called manners.

I’d drink from a hose, but I wouldn’t drink from a horse. I have other ways of showing I love you.

I put the all in allow. Well, I put in most. All the rest I forbid! If it pleases you, dinner will be ready as soon as you make it.

A gun that shoots out rainclouds is a delayed water gun. I need to just pull the trigger and tell her I love her, but I’ll wait until her umbrella is open and her bathtub...

You don’t have to make something that people call art. Living is an artistic activity, there is an art to getting through the day.

Try jogging when following your heart, it’s healthier

I was just teasing,” I say. “I myself don’t like to eat plain butter, but hey, it’s a free world.