It’s my new best friend, Claudius Templesmith, and as I expected it, he’s inviting us to a feast.

She’s so small, yet she contains so much evil.

With sex, I’d recommend practicing a lot. But remember, have fun with it. After all, you do want to get your money’s worth.

I love Earth Day, when once each year people of different backgrounds and faiths gather together to bury an environmentalist alive.

I’m a competitor, and I welcome competition. My ideal matchup would be the best versus the best, or more concretely, me versus my clone. I don’t know if he’d beat me or if I’d beat...

You’re under arrest for multiple counts of murder. You have the right to not much at all, really. Do you have anything to say in your defense?

What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger…unless it instead snaps your spine. Then it makes you a paraplegic.

The marketing people are always talking about something called ‘consumers’. I have this image of a fat little man in baggy Bermuda shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, and a straw hat with beer-can openers dangling from...

When presented with a member of the opposite sex, some of us get numbers and some of us throw up.

A candle that smells like asshole would be an instant hit in prison.

No easy answers? I know plenty of answers that’ll do it on the very first date.

The only questions I’ll ask my clone, are ones in which I already know the answer. This is the path to self-discovery.

When 1:45 came, half the class left, and Danny Hupfer whispered, “If she gives you a cream puff after we leave, I’m going to kill you” – which was not something that someone headed off...

It’s often said when a baby is born so is a grandparent; well, for me it turned out that when I was born it was also the birth of a Ding Dong.

Death: ‘There are better things in the world than alcohol, Albert. Albert: ‘Oh, yes, sir. But alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them.’

Nathan, how can you stand playing the same piece over and over again?” And Grandpa Nate answered, “Why don’t you ask me how I can stand making love to the same woman over and over...

I’m as efficient as a fish ant, I’m as mythical as a productive government employee, and I’m the kind of lover your mother would approve of. Ask her—she’ll tell you how good I am in...

On the directory map in CIA Headquarters lobby, it says ‘You Aren’t Here.

It’s not true that selling stolen goods has no overhead. Prison’s got a ceiling.

Cats are the best. They don’t need haircuts, and they love to cuddle, unlike certain celebrities who’ve issued restraining orders against me.

I know by now you think I should have straightened myself out – Thank you, drop dead!

The sun rose slowly, as if it wasn’t sure it was worth all the effort.

He was so drunk that he would have stubbornly denied that he was.

Me mating with a midget is like a skyscraper having sex with a cathedral. But still I’d like to try. Just not while mass is in session.

Nature” doesn’t really have intentions, per se. Nature is a drunk waking up from a weekend bender, ambling through a messy kitchen in a pair of mismatched slippers, seeing its car in the neighbor’s pool...

At first I thought my wife and I were made for each other. It was as if we came out of the same factory. I think we were made in the USA, because things quickly...

This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep.

You say: ‘Oh, please forgive’You say: ‘Oh, live and let live.’But sorry doesn’t help us.Sorry will not save us.Sorry is just a word you find so easy to say (so you say it anyway).Sorry doesn’t...

Gabe realized he was standing there alone, with a goofy smile on his face. Limping inside, he closed the door behind him, her words still lingering in his mind. Gabe wanted more than anything to...

Is he mad? Anyway there’s something on his mind, as sure as there must be something on a deck when it cracks.

I gaped at what I saw next. She yanked his arm off and ate it. Gross! I knew she was hungry, but that was just…well, against the school rules for one thing.

Did you just quote Green Eggs and Ham?

I want to write a book called, ‘Bonfires and Bras,’ which follows around a young, braless feminist who struggles to adopt in air conditioned rooms, as her hardened nipples cause her excess embarrassment.

Maybe I could hear better if my ears weren’t flipped inside out. Unlike a cat’s ears, you can’t tell mine are flipped over. But they must be, because I only seem to listen to myself.

Nature has a pretty sick sense of humor.

The trick. . .is to find the balance between the bright colors of humor and the serious issues of identity, self-loathing, and the possibility for intimacy and love when it seems no longer possible or,...

The cat arrived with a bottle of Scotch.

I make love like my afternoon shadow is long. I’ll bring the foreplay, if you bring the guacamole. (Yes, I know there is a 99-cent upcharge.)

If the criteria was whether it demanded a cash bribe, what data wouldn’t be considered corrupted?

Would you rather have sight, or insight? I’d rather have a double cheeseburger.

Do I have cat hair on my face? I was trying to grow out my beard. Let’s make love like two meows trapped in a Ziploc bag.

Wisdom of the Ages: “The Pope and Congress” It looks as if confidence in the American voter to exorcise the demons in the Capitol has completely fallen through.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

There’s something to be said about drinking a carafe of wine by yourself … I just can’t remember at the moment what it is! (said after drinking a carafe of wine by himself)

We made love like there was no tomorrow. Looking back, we should have made love like there was no yesterday.

Those generic avatar images for uploading a personal photo are really convenient for me, because my face looks exactly like that.

Because even among contrarians, I’m a contrarian. But all of this is just words of bronze, third place rhetoric. What do I really mean when I say we want to shock society into awareness? Do...

Women, who understands them? Not men—and certainly not women. Perhaps only cats do. But who understands cats? Perhaps only Orafoura, the last remaining Cupid and sole savior of earthly love.

Our dream is parallel to the realitySlumber’s one platform for perpendicularityBut it always went contrary to the plan takenWaking us from sleep to sleep back again

…Whenever someone says to me, ‘Jerry Lewis says women aren’t funny,’ or ‘Christopher Hitchens says women aren’t funny,’ or ‘Rick Fenderman says women aren’t funny… Do you have anything to say to that?’Yes. We don’t...