I suppose that’s one of the ironies of life doing the wrong thing at the right moment.

[On writing Jeeves and Wooster stories]:You tell yourself that you can take Jeeves stories or leave them alone, that one more can’t possibly hurt you, because you know you can pull up whenever you feel...

Oh, this is going to be fun; he actually thinks he’s teaching me something.

A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat’s rough tongue.

Even if times are tough and you’re enduring a terrible heartache, it’s important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

When I go house hunting, I use a rather large gun. You should see me fish for the best tasting Starbucks coffee. Oh, and can I borrow your plunger?

Even I realized that money was to politicians what the eucalyptus tree is to koala bears: food, water, shelter, and something to crap on.

I love writing, and the feeling it brings me can’t be described by words. So here are a few grunting noises that capture my mood when I write: ugh, eek, umph, and ahh!

Serpentfire can burn for a very long time if the bagic is strong,” said Aldric. “It’s hard to handle, that kind of fire, it seems to have a mind of its own, but it can...

You make me smile like the sun, fall out bed, sing like a bird, dizzy in my head. Spin like a record crazy on a sunday night. You make me dance like a fool, forget...

Novels are written word by word. If you can write a word, and then another word, you can write a novel—assuming your novel will be two words long. Here’s a two-word romance novel: I do....

Every child needs a father. Even if he turns out to be Darth Vader.

I didn’t understand how. But the toilets had responded to me. I had become one with the plumbing…

My book has no plot. Wait, yes it does—in the cemetery. It’s a love story where one character is dead, and the other is a dirty pervert.

The code of the coward is to run away. I know, because I wrote the manual.

Because the rest of us all are hideous, are we?” Jem inquired, looking amused.

Enjoy yourselves. And Hap: Don’t let Umber near the arrows and bows; he’s liable to shoot himself in the nose.” Dodd grinned and snapped the reins, and the carriage rolled away. Umber sniffed. “One of...

In the future.” But how’d I know I’d show up, and not my clone posing as me?

Steal not this book for fear of shameFor on it is the owners nameAnd when you die the Lord will sayWhere is the book you stole awayAnd when you say you do not knowThe Lord...

Kids are baby goats. They’re cute and they have redeeming social value. You are definitely not kids.

Love is to beer as I am to drunk. And you say I’m not romantic. Shoot, I’m so romantic I could just puke.

I prefer to urinate standing on my feet, rather than doing a handstand. You should see me enjoy a cup of coffee.

Here comes a pair of very strange beast, which in all tongues are called “fools”.

I loved you way before you ever had a chance to put a spell on me. I loved you at ‘I’ve never been to Long Island,'” Zach said.I couldn’t keep a big goofy grin from...

I frequently observe that one pretty face would be followed by five and thirty frights.

If we adopted Jack,” I quip, “we’d have to give him combat pay for an allowance

The musical equivalent of St Pancras Station.(on Elgar)

I could fuck on my back like 4:44. But I don’t. I do it like 3:33.

Air conditioning is indoor winter. Coffee is liquid wakefulness. And my love is like For Sale, only it’s not on sale. I’m afraid there is no discount.

An Airstream is a lot like a first love: you are lured by her charm, seduced by her beauty, and once bitten, you are forever chasing after her mystique.

Men. They don’t ask for directions, but they’ll ask a demon for a favor.-Nina

Yesterday was my last day at work. My coworkers were so sad they all pitched in and bought me a one-way ticket to Seattle, and a bottle of cyanide in case I get thirsty.

I think you polished that one off after last week’s date.” His voice is low right next to my ear, very nearly causing a shiver.

Guys don’t want women with good taste, guys want women who taste good.

My internal voice raised its decibel level. Sam O. Same

When I write I am an avocado, and in a team sport setting, I am guacamole. And not to sour cream on your dreams, but with my love life, I am a nacho.

and, unlike the celebrated herd in the poem, they were not forty children conducting themselves as one, but every child was conducting itself like forty.

I made the sympathetic face, and the interested face, and even the impressed face. I did not say, ‘In the name of all that is holy, cease this incessant drivel, you pretentious ass.

I water my driveway, and I drive a hard bargain to work (it gets great gas mileage).

You remember having friends who used to lampoon the world so effortlessly, crouching at the verge of every joke and waiting to pounce on it, and you remember how they changed as they grew older...

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

When I get to heaven, and I see a being of light, I’m going to ask him if he’s the urologist.

I need camouflage that works in such a way that when I wear it, you disappear.

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But...

Blake took a small roll from the tray on the table, then put it back in favor of a larger one. And maybe a little butter. It certainly couldn’t hurt. And jam…no, he drew the...

So I just got a call from the hotel, and they want me to start work tomorrow. I’m excited to have a job, but bummed out about working.

Finally! You’re here!”Uh….Do I know you?”Well, no….But you’re here, all the same…

…truly loving someone is making that person happy even if you’re not the reason behind it.

You’re as likely to see me sleeping on the job as a snooze is liable to grow legs 26.2 miles long and run a larm. What’s a larm? A buzzing sound the length of a...

Go naked. Trust me, if you don’t have a thing to wear, that’s the obvious choice.