A brick could be used to satisfy your hunger—and satisfy my curiosity.

When I see a cop’s lights behind me at two in the morning, and I have my disco ball dangling from my rearview mirror, it’s like, Hey, a party! Especially if I’ve been drinking.

People don’t talk like this, theytalklikethis. Syllables, words, sentences run together like a watercolor left in the rain. To understand what anyone is saying to us we must separate these noises into words and the...

I feel pretty sure I know why the dinosaurs went extinct. They were waiting for Sam to pick out a cell phone case.

I’ll take the cemetery,” Kane said. He didn’t sound excited. Rather, he sounded resigned. “The club might collapse if I go.

I opened a storefront with a 6’ ceiling. I did it for the low overhead.

A blanket provides warmth. So does the joy a good joke brings.

Close enough.” And then he kissed me.

Gossip is just a tool to distract people who have nothing better to do from feeling jealous of those few of us still remaining with noble hearts.

A blanket is great for covering things, like the dead guy, I just killed with this brick.

On the corner of Cathedral Road a raven sat in a tree watching him. He knew it was Dorkus for two reasons. Firstly, he’d told Dorkus to stay there to keep an eye on Michael....

I’m in the movie business. I tear ticket stubs.

A brick could be licked, like a cat’s asshole. But obviously inversed, because your tongue is soft and the brick is rough.

I always carry a spoon in my pocket. You know, just in case it rains.

It’s difficult to see the glass ceiling because it’s made of glass. Virtually invisible. What we need is for more birds to fly above it and shit all over it, so we can see it...

The long run is a misleading guide to current affairs. In the long run we are all dead.

But, of course, you might be asking yourself, ‘Am I a feminist? I might not be. I don’t know! I still don’t know what it is! I’m too knackered and confused to work it out....

The urge to change my mind and not go at all is enormous. I’m absolutely terrified to leave on that boat. But, if I don’t go, there’ll be one more broken person in this world...

I think good advice for a father to give to his only son would be, “Don’t make the same mistake I made with your mother. Remember to pull out.

I fight with the strength of many lion meows. I love even more ferociously.

I took a deep breath and sighed in awe. My proverbial penis had just gotten a serious chubby.

Coffee and me are best friends. The only difference between Coffee and my other best friends is I drink coffee, and I ate all my other friends.

She tried to tear herself away from him. The effort broke against his arms that had not felt it. Her fists beat against his shoulders, against his face. He moved one had, took her two...

There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

A brick could be used to help you become the next Great American Novelist. Hopefully after you use it to crack your own skull, and not too long after your death, the public will realize...

She asked for the time, and I said that information is for sale—by the slice. 60 slices in a whole pie.

I’ve begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It’s there for me every day. And the things it...

The office is painted with green and red stripes. It’s not painted that way so my mom can experience Christmas 364 more days a year. It represents the stock market, with green symbolizing greed, and...

Cool people are only cool for the first thirty minutes of knowing them. After that, they just become annoying.

CONJUGATE THIS:I cut class, you cut class, he, she, it cuts class. We cut class, they cut class. We all cut class. I cannot say this in Spanish because I did not go to Spanish...

It was like there was some parallel universe we all vanished off to where we had all this sex.

Once she called to invite me to a concert of Liszt piano concertos. The soloist was a famous South American pianist. I cleared my schedule and went with her to the concert hall at Ueno...

I feel like I’m going to die,’ he says.‘Could we talk for a few minutes before you die?’‘Only if you do it quietly.’‘I met this girl last night. I need your advice.’‘Come back later.’‘No. You...

I am a believer in free will. If my dog chooses to hate the whole human race except myself, it must be free to do so.

If a couple has their picture taken at a wedding or other social gathering, and the woman looks hot, her guy could be blinking, chewing, or even mid-sneeze, and she’ll still display it on her...

I believe there is only one thing to say at this point.”What’s that?”Yee haw,” he said gravely, and took me down like a rodeo calf.

A brick could be used to cut things. The duller the object, the sharper the user has to be to make it work.

Stacks of vitamins in a soapy sink. Shh, don’t talk to me while I think. Don’t look while I stuff your yummy dinner down the drain. It was so good I couldn’t bear to eat...

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

The right people came along with the right tools (eyelids), and it was goodnight, war. Peace felt like such a dream, probably because it was.

Who embalms the Undertaker when he dies?

Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.

They served “Good Food” but only a G, an O and a D were lit up. Personally, I doubted God dined there. Unless God was keen on samonella poisoning and rat droppings in the hamburgers....

Kelly was not going to remove her glasses. No matter what the television said about it being safe to do during the ‘totality’. The television also told her she wouldn’t age if she bought expensive...

the smartest man in the room doesn’t visit many rooms.

He held out his hand to Sophie, just like Mrs. Pentstemmon, but a little less royally. Sophie levered herself up, wondering if she was meant to kiss this hand or not. But since she felt...

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Jake’s POV: It was just too bad that Chloe was freezing Ally out even though her family hadn’t been affected. Because otherwise Ally would be here and maybe I could be making out with her...

Dear Teens at Starbucks wearing ‘Abstain from Sex 2 Attain Ur Goals’ t-shirts: Doesn’t it depend on what my goals are?

I’ll eat this world like coffee-flavored bubblegum. I’ll chew thoroughly before I swallow.