The following information is classified Third Eye Only.

This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I swerved at the last second, and even...

The greatest gift you can give to posterity is a good kick in the posterior.

As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves.

People who need people who need people need the luckiest people in the world.

Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering a refill at any price.

What meteorologists refer to as a ‘polar vortex’ I call God getting his swagger back.

About adultery: Don’t go looking for pancakes when you have flapjacks at home.

The photoshopping of female models is sending precisely the right message to young girls: Learn image editing software!

Politicians, it’s like they’re competing to be the most incompetent. Well, guess what? They’re all winners to me. And by winners I mean losers.

Am I the only person who thinks the theory of solipsism is totally stupid?

[When asked about his thoughts on gods]I think it’s like a movie that was way too popular. It’s a story that’s been told too many times and just doesn’t mean anything. Man lived on the...

The Seven Habits of Highly Cleared People1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. , or refer to Habit 7.7.

If I owned a house that had a bathroom with no toilet, only a urinal, I’d call that the number one room, and I could easily both describe it and point to it with one...

All my memories seem to happen to music. Memories of my mother and father; waking up early on Christmas morning; the little apartment we lived in above the disco.

Always write your signature move in disappearing ink.

My father went AWOL the day I got dishonorably discharged from his penis.

WINE!Because these problems aren’t going to forget THEMSELVES!

Get the point?” I asked, offering the boys a triumphant smile.Gabriel, Zeb, and Dick stared at me, aghast. “What? Sarcastic postkill comeback. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do in situations like this?Too harsh?

A blanket would be a great surface to print my new book on, so you could read it in bed while you’re having boring, obligatory sex with your spouse, who’s as dry and exciting as...

A milli-Helen is enough beauty to launch exactly one ship

Our boss announced that we’re implementing a self-managing team concept. From now on, we’ll be the team, and our boss will be the self.

I make love like I make lasagna: with extra meat.

You’d be surprised how expensive it costs to look this cheap.

Eh, Whappaaaa!

That kiss you gave me was the hottest kiss i’ve ever had. I pulled away because i was afraid i wouldn’t be able to stop myself from ripping off your clothes. And that didn’t seem...

I want to leave a legacy. I’ll leave him in the trunk, tied up, at a parking garage on the campus of the university where he graduated.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

When I’m lonely I stand in the corner and play my saxophone and feel sorry for myself. I would ask you to accompany me on the piano, but if I did that I wouldn’t be...

An idea hit me so fast I didn’t pause to analyse it. I just acted. My body might be constrained, but my head and neck had just enough freedom to shift up-and kiss him.My lips...

Agatha was a woman. All women are mortal. Therefore, Agatha must be dead.” -Orafoura

Maybe.

A blanket could be used as a water purification device. Place it between a flowing water source and your storage barrel and let the blanket filter out impurities. Then after your water is pure, drop...

I do miss Saturday Night Live, that’s for sure. There’s nothing like it. I just hosted, and I felt I’d only been away for a week.

If you would have asked me a year ago if I believed in aliens, I’d have laughed and said no. But that was before the abduction. I don’t laugh as much anymore, mainly due to...

Brother Wolf gave Anna an amused look and then went back to being scary.

A mother’s love: the sacred relationship of affording a nanny so as to be tolerated as a granny.

Orafoura paid me in pajamas, and I let him because the pajamas matched his plaid mustache.

The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA.

We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.

We made love like we made dinner. We had leftovers.

Elizabeth.”I feel my smile on my face as I understand what she is doing. Though it’s a strange one, she has a name-sound just like I do, and she’s telling me what it is. I...

Your leftover meatloaf makes me horny. Let us make love like the first squirt from a new bottle of ketchup.

The waitress walk away. Everyone look’s at each other and then laugh. The laugh it feel so cathartic. It break the ice and sudenly the mood feel like old times. They may not have money...

The only way to be completely self-consistent is to be constantly uttering paradoxes.

A brick and a blanket need a logo, and I’m just the designer to hire to sit around idly as I ideally charge you by the hour.

Gentle reminder, Smile please.

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

It’s hard to type with gloves on. It’s also hard to type with just an erection. It’s basically like typing with one finger, and in my case, a pinky.

My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.