A milli-Helen is enough beauty to launch exactly one ship

I never read the whole Zen koan – I just skip to the end to find out if the monk attained enlightenment.

Agatha loved military men. Actually, she loved men in uniform. And my bowling league outfit used to drive her wild with desire.

You’d be surprised how expensive it costs to look this cheap.

Why do we assume space aliens will be less emotional than us? What if they’re more emotional? All that hugging could get old pretty quick.

Can’t you see? I am making all sorts of friends.

That kiss you gave me was the hottest kiss i’ve ever had. I pulled away because i was afraid i wouldn’t be able to stop myself from ripping off your clothes. And that didn’t seem...

Secret 737160022162. It’s unthinkable only to the extent it’s doable.

It’s been said that 1 in 4 people have herpes, and everyone has 4 grandparents, so let’s be honest, your grandmother is probably a dirty skank.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

CIA analysis: the too soon joke that predates the event.

Mr. Fizzlebush.” He will need his litter box changed daily, the finest dry cat food, and fourteen bottles of your finest champagne (he is royalty, after all). His Majesty Juan Carlos is not to be...

An idea hit me so fast I didn’t pause to analyse it. I just acted. My body might be constrained, but my head and neck had just enough freedom to shift up-and kiss him.My lips...

Mama operated under the assumption that I was eight years old and incapable of feeding myself. It was physically impossible for her to cross my threshold without some form of nourishment. She once offered me...

I’m surprised there isn’t a jet airplane designed in the shape of a brick. Some people (aeronautical engineers) might say that’s because bricks aren’t aerodynamic. Yeah, right. I’d like to see someone make that claim...

Maybe.

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were Leibnizian monadic reflections of the One Thing.

I had a dream about you. We were fishing in the Utah desert. You caught a dinosaur, but due to Federal regulations, we had to release the bones so Ted Kennedy could drive back to...

I do miss Saturday Night Live, that’s for sure. There’s nothing like it. I just hosted, and I felt I’d only been away for a week.

I know her note said she was leaving me, but there is some positive in it. At least she cared enough to tell me she didn’t care.

Brother Wolf gave Anna an amused look and then went back to being scary.

Money is seen as a great evil. But I’ve never seen a pile of cash stab someone.

The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA.

One brick could be used to do the work of two men, if both men are dead. In this case, a blanket could be used to cover up their decomposing corpses.

Elizabeth.”I feel my smile on my face as I understand what she is doing. Though it’s a strange one, she has a name-sound just like I do, and she’s telling me what it is. I...

I admire your mustache madam, but I wonder, what’s for dessert?” Knowing her and knowing me, she probably thought I meant I love you.

I surround myself with books when I write, thus surrounding myself with writers… only they don’t critique me and then get up for coffee.

I’ll tell you what love is. Love is walking up and down Archer Road in Gainesville, Florida and feeling like Cupid. Too bad the cops took issue with me hitch hiking with a bow and...

How could I not fall in love with him,” she asked. And on the tail end of her words, her bedroom door flew open and closed just as fast.Jen bent over, panting heavily as she...

I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a...

Falling in love is like falling into the arms of a starving cannibal. It’s the only time when dinner for two is dinner for one.

I have lightning and wind powers,” Jason reminded him. “Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You’re no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too....

Artists are the serfs of a leisure society.

Science.” I don’t believe in it. Science has yet to validate my disbelief in Bigfoot.

Travis: The Aphrodite kids were ripping each other’s clothes and throwing lipstick and jewellery. It was like a rabid herd of wild Bratz.

I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally I actually come up with one myself.

I am Kid Awesome, I kid you not. But I don’t think making love is childish—or for children, unless you’re doing it for children (to produce them, not to entertain them).

Normally ghosts didn’t scare him. (Assuming, of course, Gaea hadn’t encased them in shells of stone and turned them into killing machines. That had been a new one for him.)

To die famous is the goal of the immortal. To die young is the goal of the healthy. To die memorably is the goal of the survivor.

A brick should decide who gets to rule the people, and I should decide what rules determine whom the brick favors.

If you’re passionate about your work, it makes the people around you want to be involved too.

You can’t leave footprints in the sands of time if you’re sitting on your butt. And who wants to leave buttprints in the sands of time?

It’s sad to see old friends have to move away, but at the same time, you know the retirement home is the best place for them.

Guess we’re going north,” Dev said slowly.”Everyone, follow Lassie.Timmy’s in the well.

I stared at the phone in disbelief, then ripped a clean sheet of paper from my notebook. I scribbled ‘ Jerk ‘ on the first line. On the line beneath it I added, ‘ Smokes...

And the last thought he had that morning as he closed his eyes was: I hope the tornado hit the moose.

The Duchess looked at Chloe with a look that said, You had the chance to tell him, but you chose to carry on the lie.How do I know that the Duchess’s look said this? Because...

Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.

Assumptions are unopened windows that foolish birds fly into, and their broken bodies are evidence gathered too late.

Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.