Some girls want to be a princess when they grow up. I wanted to be in a bad bitch girl gang.

I’m always the last in love by exactly one person.

Desperate measures call for desperate times.

I’m not interested in driving a racecar, but I would love to cruise around in a palindrome.

Secret 4.1023020. War is politics by other meanies.

My girlfriend just bought me a portable toaster. And my birthday’s coming up, so I’m half expecting her to buy me a portable bathtub to go along with it.

Come the revolution, it’ll probably be a good idea to stop saying ‘Come the revolution.

If you’re going to hold a grudge, at least put on an oven mitt before you pick it up.

Classifications as JokesConfidential: snickersSecret: guffawsTop Secret: full belly laughsUnclassified: uproarious laughter and applause

I think all toys should be invisible. Not only would they improve children’s imaginations, but they’d also be really affordable. In fact, every toy would be free.

The statements I provided under oath were not false, they were substantially mispronounced.

I think it would be funny if some guy walked into a house and said he just stepped in shit. Then he’d ask other people to look at the bottom of his shoes as he...

And soon we were just rolling around on the ground, cursing and screeching and ripping out handfuls of hair. Without super hearing, I wouldn’t have heard Zeb whisper, “This is the coolest thing I have...

Your pants are unseasonably bitch. I beg your pardon. Excuse me, madam, but you are sitting on my erection.

Secret 46. Safe house, dangerous bedroom.

The only thing more honest than a politician is, well, EVERYTHING.

Those generic avatar images for uploading a personal photo are really convenient for me, because my face looks exactly like that.

Witnesses in my dream can place me in my bed, asleep, at the time of the murder.

All men are created Equal. Some just have more Splenda.

Love is a funny thing. It’s so funny it will make you laugh until you cry.

Cats are like walking brooms you can actually comfortably cuddle with.

Oh, there are so many ways to categorize and catalogue things. Alphabetically, numerically, by date, weight, height, color, monetary value, sentimental value, or by Orafoura’s spiritual index. For me, I order things to subdue the...

I want to do something spontaneous, like combust.

All human males were as fascinated with cars as they were with breasts.

I went to the mountains, but they were closed. Apparently I wasn’t on Mountain Time.

What was that guy’s problem?” The future is full of condescending jerks.

If you’re at the bar trying to pick up women, remember: bend at the knees.

A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman – the idea of her.

I want to merge running a marathon and doing a handstand into one action. It will look similar to how I’d make love to a mannequin.

I study men like I study books: I skim their midsections.

A brick can be used to represent a ruin, or the beginning of new construction. With a brick, the past is the future.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Renaldo once made a sex tape, and even fully erect, he still had to shoot it four times just to get some “footage.

You are an ass,” Julian muttered.

Stand-up comedy and poverty. Those were my two main endeavors.

It’s the biggest party in the world, and you have to keep the whole thing percolating, which is difficult because a lot of awards most people don’t care about.

Travis Maddox: Mr. Mom.

gray hair is gods graffiti

Indignation is often the best defense.

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can’t buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?

(True,) the white hole said. (My name is Khairelikoblepharehglukumeilichephreidosd’enagouni-) and at the same time he went flickering through a pattern of colors that was evidently the visual translation.

Memories make you sentimental, experiences make you smart.

Look how old you are and you’ve hardly made a dent in them. I’ll admit, you seem to have zeal nailed, as well as faith and temperance. Self control? I’ve got my doubts based on...

Can I see some ID?” “WE DON’T HAVE ID,” said Jay, loudly. “‘CAUSE WE’RE CANADIAN. WE DON’T USE ID…THERE. AND THAT’S WHY WE LOOK SO YOUNG. ‘CAUSE WE’RE CANADIAN.” Doug stiffened. Jay sounded crazy. Doug...

Walk Like A Pine Tree Day occurs on Stand Still Day. Orafoura and I observe both—and we observe whatever else we may be standing next to.

It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.

Love is like a river flowing through your heart. I’ll bring the boat, if you bring the bridge.

Take off your shirt.”Jace raised his eyebrows. “I’m not going to attack you,” she said impatiently. “I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning.””Are you sure?” he asked, obediently sliding the shirt...

A good story should provoke discussion, debate, argument…and the occasional bar fight.

The door buzzer sounded again. The two boys exchanged a single look before both bolting down the narrow hallway to the door. Jordan got there first. He grabbed for the coatrack that stood by the...