If we’re friends, I’m only the funniest guy you know because you don’t know John Cleese. Or Steve Martin. Or Jack Handey. Or, or, or, I could go on for Orafoura.

Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.

A brick could be used to foretell the future. But I’m the only one alive who knows how to make it work, and my occult knowledge can be rented out to you for $9.99 per...

SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.

A brick could replace your window, if your window’s opaque, and you throw the brick hard enough.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I need to hire a babysitter for Friday night. I also need to buy myself some adult diapers.

No, this trick wont work…How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?

Getting into a fight with a popular senior. Pissing off a school teacher and the local chief of police. Hanging with two major-league losers.” She slapped my back. “Welcome to high school.

Wait a minute, hold on… The dude dies, and the girl cries so hard that she gets turned into a fountain?

Yesterday I donated blood. It wasn’t my blood—I found it in a discarded tampon.

Cooking without wine is like sex alone. You may get the job done, but you don’t really care once it’s over.

You’re right, my problems are the biggest problems ever,” George said. “No, honestly, it’s horrible to be me. I’m rich, talented, and I make girls cry.””How do you make girls cry, exactly?”George turned to her....

Its Batteries! I just know it!

I had a dream about you. The king decreed we could only speak one word, and that word would be assigned to us. Your word was hello, and my word was goodbye. You made me...

Money, Gun and Lie can solve almost all the problems.

WHY did she do this? She was a terrible drunk texter. All the things she wanted to say to people during the day came out at night, like a vampire.

I snuck a look to see how Eric was taking this, and he was staring at me the same way the Monroe vampires had. Thoughtful. Hungry.”That’s interesting,” he said. “I had a psychic once. It...

I love the sound of it,” Trina whispers, as if speaking too loudly might interrupt the drumming patter of the rain outside. “It makes me want to sleep. Snuggle my head right up in your...

Love is as we will it to be.” ~ Amunhotep El Bey

I want to be a dad. Sorry, I’m dyslexic. I meant to write dad.

Will suspected Jem was in fact cleverer than he was himself – but he lacked Will’s tendency to assume the absolute worst about people and proceed from there.

If I ever get a 20-dollar bill, I like to convert it into 20 singles, because women like guys with lots of money.

It was an emergency!” Seth blurted. “Read my lips – emergency reading – not some demented idea of fun. If I was starving, I would eat asparagus. If somebody held a gun to my head,...

I knitted a sweater to look like a swimming bird, and pretty soon the whole world looked like it tasted like duck soup. My love is coffee-shaped and without chug.

I lied. I do that, you know, when it suits me. I would have thought you’d realized that by now.

The ice cube melted slowly like a candle, and I thought about my love for her and how it was like an ice cube candle and that I’ve always wanted to drink fire and make...

It can be rebuilt if other countries with selfish interests will not meddle, as has been done in the past.

I am passionate about creating, not about procreating. My love for art is greater than my love for making love.

A brick and a blanket together create a blick. That’s it. That’s all I got.

I need a tube-shaped bathtub, to play the tuba in. I make love like I make music—in a shower that’s in a phone booth that’s in 1981, the year before I was born.

The x-ray of your skull shows a large, flobby mass floating inside. I have to consult my colleagues to be certain, but it looks like a long sausage snarled into a lump.

Yep those are goosebumps. Or a bad case of arm acne. Or as I call it, armcne.

The doctor seemed especially troubled by the fact of the robbery having been unexpected, and attempted in the night-time; as if it were the established custom of gentlemen in the housebreaking way to transact business...

Don’t be rude!” Boomer protested. As if the cookie might be offended.

Miss Vida” Liam said “has anyone never told you that you are positively the whipped cream on the sundae of life?”She glared at him.”Anyone ever told you your head is shaped like a pencil?””That is...

Sheep hurt my father, and through my father, sheep have also hurt me.

I have to return some videotapes

She had no idea how long they kissed—and kissed—but she didn’t think about stopping until she ran out of air. Breathing hard, she slowly opened her eyes and stared directly into his.They’d heated. Darkened. And...

I thank God daily for the good fortune of my birth, for I am certain I would have made a miserable peasant.

I asked my girlfriend, ‘Will you marry me?’ She said, ‘We’ll have to ask my father.’ So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, ‘Hello!’

…it’s just another one of those things I don’t understand: everyone impresses upon you how unique you are, encouraging you to cultivate your individuality while at the same time trying to squish you and everyone...

If you’re a cannibal, an Olympic sprinter would be considered fast food.

What are you two gay boys doing in there?”Aaand done.–Dex

I had to admit it was adorable. You know, in a unicorns-farting-out-rainbows kind of way that made me want to hurl.

If the retreat house was a trap, it was a very nice one.

I’ve done this sort of thing before. Not prophecies so much, but you’d be surprised how many people want to realign their ancestral lines to seem nobler, or rewrite their family history to remove more...

Ukitambua vitu vya muhimu katika maisha yako hapa duniani na kuvipa kipaumbele cha kwanza, ukatumia kipaji ulichopewa na Mungu na ukafanya kazi kwa bidii na maarifa, halafu ukashindana na wenzako kuwa juu zaidi katika tasnia...

A brick could be used to create a new society, a perfect society, where there is no inequality, there are no laws, and most importantly, there are no people.

We had an unspoken love for one another. Probably because she’d never talk to me or return my phone calls or texts.